For instance, when you buy a candy bar at your local Quick Mart, how do you know those people behind the counter are real capitalists who want to become like us? How do you know that some of the money you give them for that candy bar is not going to some atheist humanist Muslim terrorist organization intent on destroying life as we know and enjoy it? How can you be sure? More importantly, how would you find out?
Or suppose you take your family to a blockbuster movie. What would you think if, in so doing, you were unwittingly funding a porno liberal Homeland-hating cabal of gay hedonists whose goal in life is to make our country into Europe or Canada? Do you want to live in Europe or Canada? Do you want your kids to? So ask yourself before you go to that next blockbuster: What can I do to help ensure the safety of my kids and my Homeland?
Speaking of your kids, what about the school your kids go to? Unions, of course, are OK to an extent. But what happens to your kids when they hear teachers spouting anti-freedom union propaganda that is socialist one-world nonsense? Young minds are not hardened against such indecencies and believe everything they are told. That is how unscrupulous union teachers shape and distort young eager innocent minds. Is that happening to your kids?
These are just a few of the many dangers in the Homeland these difficult days. That is why The Department of Homeland Decency is working to give Homelanders the tools they need to fight these evils. We have commissioned a study group made up of real American patriots that will design study questions to help everyone recognize all the extreme dangers around us. We call this program Problems in Evil, or PIE.
Join us today as we fight back to reclaim our country. Make the study of PIE a family or neighborhood event. Bring your family and friends together to study and discuss these problems.
And then you will be prepared when you are out there alone and evil comes after you. The following is the first phase of of our PIE home-study session. You will be tested on this, so be sure to spend as much time as you need on it.
It's Thanksgiving and one of your young relatives is eating Tofurkey. In simpler times, this might not be a problem, but we do not live in simple times so Tofurkey is a major problem. Here's your dilemma: You like this young relative and want to help and support him but at the same time you know Tofurkey is wrong and shouldn't be served on a holy day like Thanksgiving. But you don't want to embarrass him in front of the whole family. What do you do?
B: Ask to try it and smile and support your young relative, even though you hate Tofurkey and know it is evil and should be banned.
C: Put it all on the table and point out that real Americans got to be real Americans by eating meat, and it is our great tradition to be able to eat more meat than our ancestors ever dreamed could possibly be eaten in one lifetime. Our continent was tamed by meat-eaters, and if we don't honor that by serving and eating meat, the evil atheist tofu-loving Muslim terrorists will win.
Correct answer: C. If you are going to fight evil, who do you want on your side: a weeny tofu-eating liberal who drives a weeny looking car? Or someone who had a solid meat and potatoes dinner, owns a big pickup, and is ready to fight anytime, anywhere? We think the answer is pretty obvious.
You're in line at the airport and someone ahead of you doesn't want to be searched. It's holding up the line. What would a real American do?
B: Look annoyed and then look for a shorter line.
C: Read aloud for everyone's sake the DOHD motto: “You have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide. You have nothing to hide if you have nothing to fear. So fear nothing and you need not hide. Hide nothing and you need not fear.” This will help everyone deal with these issues in the future and keep them from getting scared in these situations.
Correct answer: C. Most people have nothing to hide, so they should be happy to show the evildoers out there what goodness and decency looks and acts like. Those who are hiding things are by definition evildoers who take advantage of our freedoms to try to destroy us. One of these people could easily be standing next to you in any airport line. That's why we need to look under everyone's clothes, frisk them, go through their bags just in case something bad is in there, and ask lots of questions.
The last discussion item for this PIE session: You're at work and you notice that there are more and more weird, foreign-looking foods in the lunch room refrigerator. There are so many yogurts and salsas and rice dishes and even tofu that you can barely find room for your sandwich. So what do you do when you sit down at lunch and someone who barely speaks English sits next to you because there is no other space available?
B: Eat your sandwich quickly and silently and look annoyed at their food.
C: Offer them a bit of your sandwich because you know that nothing says Homeland like a good sandwich and once they taste a Homeland sandwich they will give up their evil-doing, learn English and become a regular Sunday morning church-goer.
Correct answer: C. When they are eating friend rice or salsa and chips, they are living without hope. That means they are more likely to become a terrorist. So offering them a bite of your Big Mac is as great an anti-terrorist action that anyone can take. Ever. Plus, if they are wearing a scarf over their head and mouth or a turban, show them your ski cap. Let them try it on so they will know how warm it can be and how good it can look on anyone. That's the kind of culture sharing that shows others how great the Homeland is. It also may very well stop another 9/11 before it begins!
So remember: it's up to you to find evil. We can't be everywhere. In the meantime, always remember our motto, because it will keep you and your family safe:
You have nothing to hide if you have nothing to fear.
So fear nothing and you need not hide.
Hide nothing and you need not fear.”