You have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide. You have nothing to hide if you have nothing to fear.
So fear nothing and you need not hide. Hide nothing and you need not fear.

The motto of the Department of Homeland Decency

Monday, October 25, 2010

The Tea Party's first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest

Here is some great fun, courtesy of The Tea Party and our own Department of Homeland Decency! (Kids --you'll love this, too!!) We offer this as a courtesy to readers to help them understand what the next few years will be like.

Dear Great Americans Everywhere,

To celebrate our great moral victory in the November election, the newly formed Tea Party in conjunction with The Department of Homeland Decency's Office of Homeland Heresy is sponsoring its first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest!

Look around you. Who are the heretics in your neighborhood? Point them out to us and with your help, we will once again make America safe for the 19th century.

The rules for this contest are simple. Write in 50 words or less why your neighborhood heretic should be sent up the river. Do they stay home on Sunday morning when you go to church? Do they believe in global warming or the death tax? Do they think they are entitled to government riches? Do they want to tax the rich to pay for their sense of entitlement? Worst of all: Do they think we all come from apes?

Heresy can take many different forms, and the deeper you can develop your essay, the easier it will be for our analysts and judges to decide who deserves to go to prison. To help you start out, try to think of things heretics do or say that you don't want your kids to know about, even when they are 30 or 40 years old and have kids and jobs of their own.

To get things rolling, we had several of our good friends write short essays. We hope these give you a clear idea of how we, with your help, can once again make America safe for the 19th century.

Dear Office of Homeland Heresy,
A neighbor said at our neighborhood block party last summer that he thinks Al Franken is funny. Some children heard him talk about the books Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot and Stupid White Men and they cried all night. Nothing I said could make them understand why anyone would say such mean things. Please send Al Franken to prison for his obvious lack of virtue. Thank you.
Virtuously yours, Norm Coleman

Dear Homeland Heresy people,
I was shocked to discover that my girlfriend has to watch CNN at work just because her boss likes it. This is what I mean when I say liberals hate America. Send that boss to a prison where he has to listen to me and Bill and Sean and Oliver North and all the great American ditto-heads and that'll show him how great America is!
Sincerely, R. Limbaugh

Dear Homeland Heresy,
Canadians cook funny foods! And does anyone understand their English accent? I think they speak some French up there, too! I'd like you to investigate our Canadian neighbors and send them all away. Or shoot 'em. Whatever works best for you works for me.
Sincerely, Drudge

Dear Office of Homeland Heresy,
I miss GW Bush! I dream about him at night. I'm tired of peace signs in my neighbor's front yard. If Obama had been around in 1940, we'd all be speaking German. Or maybe Russian. The other day I saw a teenager down the street buy a condom. He'll never be a decent Christian. And let's not even talk about his teachers!
And those Arab-Canadians out there - aren't they just a combination of the worst of the worst?
I just can't make up my mind who to pick. Can we send them all to prison?
Sincerely, Michele Bachmann
PS: I'm going to burn up that peace sign down the street and you better not say anything about it.

Dear Office of Homeland Heresy,
Anita Hill. Get her to apologize!
Thank you.
Sincerely, Ginni Thomas

First prize in our first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest is something special: the winner gets a front row seat when we sentence their neighborhood heretic to that all-expense paid trip up the river.

Second and third prizes are equally special: DVDs of your neighborhood heretic being interrogated. When will they break? How much can they take before sobbing? Will they be a jittery mass of quivering blob within a week? You and your family can spend many nights enjoying these suspenseful views of how we get heretics to talk to us.

We also plan to give away about 100 consolation prizes, including front row seats for you and your whole family to any heresy trials in your neighborhood! The winners will be announced at a special edition of the No Spin Zone on Christmas Eve, hosted by Bill O'Reilly. There will be many surprise guests, including Tea Party favorites, Juan Williams, Norm Coleman, and our favorite: Joe the Plumber.

So send your essay off to us at The Office of Homeland Heresy. Just write that on the envelope and it will get to us, even without a stamp. That's how important it is to get this first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest out there. With your help, we will make America safe for the 17th century!

The family that has fun together, stays together. Learn more about family fun and how to raise decent children by ordering "Department of Homeland Decency: Decency Rules and Regulations Manual" from and bookstores everywhere.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

You are what you eat!

The Department of Homeland Decency wants you to know: “Nothing says 'Homeland' better than a sandwich.”

You should also know the corollary to that: “Nothing says terrorist better than a cup of Campbell's new line of 15 halal-certified soups.”

That's the new Muslim-approved soup that complies with the dietary regulations of the two percent of the American population that follows Islam, soup which some real Homelanders may have been ingesting unwittingly.

Scary? You bet. So what can you, a real Homelander, do about this? The Department of Homeland Decency suggests the following: let a sandwich be your weapon.

When your coworkers from foreign lands sit down in the lunchroom with their rice or salsa and chips or even now that bowl of jihadist soup, they are living without hope. That's what that kind of a diet does, and hopelessness means they are more likely to become a terrorist.
This is where your sandwich comes in. Offer them a bite of your Big Mac. You will be surprised at how effective an anti-terrorist blow that can be. A simple sandwich shows them how great our Homeland is.

Plus, now that you have opened a line of communication with your foreign coworker, you can do more to make them love the Homeland. For instance, if they are wearing a scarf over their head and mouth or a turban, show them your ski cap. Let them try it on so they will know how warm it can be and how good it can look on anyone.

That's the kind of culture sharing that shows others how great the Homeland is. It also may very well stop another 9/11 before it begins!

And it all started with a sandwich!

This announcement is a public service. For more information on keeping the Homeland decent, refer to "The Department of Homeland Decency's Decency Rules and Regulations Manual." We are marching proudly back to the future. Join us.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The Department of Homeland Decency Hero Of The Week

Carl Paladino, the New York candidate for Governor of New York, is this weeks Department of Homeland Decency Hero Of The Week. He represents everything we at the Department of Homeland Decency hold dear and in his short campaign he has taken on gays, Muslims, the media, and who knows what else. He is an inspiration to decent Homelanders everywhere.

We believe he agrees with our efforts to return decency to the bedroom. As we have always maintained, our Intelligent Designer designed “it” to be done by a Mommy and a Daddy, which is why the very intimate and private parts of Mommy and Daddy fit together perfectly when they do “it.” This is why they can finish “it” quickly and quietly without moaning or screaming and then get up and go about daily life as if nothing had happened.

On the other hand, if two Mommies do it together, or two Daddies, the parts don't fit, causing pain and anguish, which leads to moaning and screaming, bed squeaking, sweating, joint pain, falling property values, urban blight, STDs, cancer, and increased vulnerability to terrorist attack.

With people like Mr. Paladino on our side, we believe our vision of a better and more decent Homeland will soon come to pass. So, congratulations, Mr. Paladino. And good luck in New York!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

FAQ: Raising taxes on rich whiners

We're #1!!!

Well, maybe not in everything. We don't know if we have the smartest people in the world or if we make the best cars anymore. We probably aren't tops in engineering anymore. But we do know where we are #1 and will continue to be #1 for decades to come: we produce the best whiners in the world. It's our really rich people: No one anywhere in the world can beat a good old American billionaire when it comes to whining. We're #1! Our team can't be beat. Let's push for whining to be an Olympic sport. Our billionaires would would easily win the gold! Go USA! We're #1!!

In normal times, you'd think a country we bombed and destroyed like Iraq might lead in this category. Or maybe a country like Mexico that we ruined with our drug habits and gun sales to drug gangs.

But they can't come close to the sophisticated whining of our own home-grown rich whiners. That's why we put together this FAQ. We don't want to lose our competitive edge in this area, but we need money. Should we tax these rich whiners and maybe lose them to some other country? Or should we lower their taxes and keep them around, even if means our roads, schools, etc., will fall apart.

A few points on this important issue follow. We just report, so you can decide.

The Tax-The-Rich Whiner FAQ

I'm sick of listening to them. If we lower taxes on rich whiners, would they stop whining?
No, because it is in their nature to whine. Just as grasshoppers must hop, rich folk must whine about taxes. It's how they let the rest of us know they are rich beyond our wildest dreams. They want the rest of us to know we are just freeloaders since we can't pay anywhere near what they pay. In other words, they want our gratitude.

I don't care – I'm still sick of listening to them. Why not just drive them out to the middle of some desert and leave them there without a GPS or phone or Blackberry or anything? If they can walk out alive, fine. I'll listen to them whine.
No, that would be inhuman. Instead, think about enacting a whine tax: the more they whine, the more they pay. It would solve a lot of problems.

What if the rich decide to go on strike because their taxes go up? You know, not work until we stopped taxing them, just to show us how important they are? Would that destroy life as we know it?
Well, you are assuming they work really hard to start with. But lots of their days are spent golfing or at the club or meeting up with lovers for affairs. So if they went on strike, they would run the risk of having the rest of us find out they really don't produce much. Even worse, if they did go on strike, wouldn't they have to picket something, something their taxes are paying for? Like a daycare center? Or a homeless shelter? And they'd be doing it rain or shine. Could they really do that? Probably not without whining a lot.

But wouldn't higher taxes on the wealthy put us on a slippery slope to becoming more like France or Italy?
Yes, it would. But whatever you might think about rich whiners, they do have pride. And one thing they are proud of is being #1. And if we became more like France or Italy, well, it would make their whining even better, richer, more profound. Their whines might become so profound that they would sound like French philosophers. They would like that, because they do think the French are sophisticated. So, yes, we would be on a slippery slope, but where it would lead, we don't know yet.

One last question: I'd like to try my hand at being a rich whiner. What's a good entry to this field?
Sorry, but there are no openings. First, rich whiners are born, not made. It's in their genes, which they make sure none of the rest of us will ever have by not marrying people like us. And second, the rich whiners are saving any openings for their children. As we said, they are born, not made, and there is a ready supply coming up through their country day school system everywhere.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Department of Homeland Decency and Medical Marijuana

Will we see medical marijuana legalized in more states this year or in coming years? Unfortunately, the culture wars are returning and this is but one battle. Plus, The Department of Homeland Decency is opposed to it and its spokesperson, Mrs. Flue, explains why in the following video. We found this video and post it here so voters can make informed choices. View it. Tell your friends. Then do the right thing.

If the Republicans win big, Mrs. Flue will become the norm again. Let's hope that doesn't happen.
And if you wish to know more, please buy The Department of Homeland Decency's Rules and Regulations Manual (information is listed in the right hand column). It will prepare you for the return of the Age of Decency.