Department of Homeland Decency

The warm fuzzy feeling of 9/11: How to keep it alive for the next 10 years

2011-09-15T13:18:00.003-05:00

The 10th anniversary of 9/11 has come and gone. And while The Department of Homeland Decency is pleased with how much more decent the Homeland became in the years following 9/11, much still has to be done. For instance, we have not yet claimed a complete victory in protecting traditional marriage from those who would make it indecent and perverse; there are still activist judges out there letting anyone marry anyone! Nor can we state that our schools are back to teaching just the facts; they still teach that we come from apes, they don't allow prayer, and some teachers actively recruit kids to gayness! So we still have much to do in our proud march backwards to our future.

No doubt you want to know what you can do to help. There are many things, but here are a few to get you started. Feel free to contact us and let us know anything else you may be doing for the cause of Homeland decency.

Make a 9/11 resolution. We do it on New Years. Why not for 9/11? Are the 10 Commandments in front of your State Capitol? If not, why haven't you done something to put them there? Are you represented in Congress by a liberal? Or by a woman? Or by a (children should read no further) homosexual? You must resolve to help correct these things; that's how we will find our way back to the future.

Eat more meat. Most Homelanders take meat for granted, but it is an important part of our Homeland tradition. It's what the pioneers who tamed this great land ate, and we honor them by eating more meat in one sitting than they ever imagined possible. Meat gave them strength and character. So if you are trying to decide whether to have meat or vegetables for dinner tonight, think about this: If your life or the life or your children depended on a decent, god-fearing Homelander fighting an indecent terrorist to the death in an airplane spiraling out of control because the terrorists shot the pilot, who do you want in that fight? A meat-eating, SUV-driving, Fox News-watching Homelander? Or a vegan who drives a hybrid and quotes NPR? Eat more meat! It's what decent people do.

Report a neighbor. We are always happy when a Homelander reports another Homelander; it tells us you are alert and aware of the dangers of indecency in the Homeland. Does a neighbor subscribe to Mother Jones or belong to Public Television? Do they argue late at night about civil liberties? What's in their recycling bins? We need to know. Report these or any other suspicious activities today and help us march proudly back to our future!

Buy our “Condoms Can Explode” refrigerator magnet and put in on your refrigerator at work. The Department of Homeland Decency has a full line of refrigerator magnets that everyone should have on their refrigerator. Some of our favorites are: “Be wary of folks who visit France too often;” “Aggressive women who initiate 'it' make men nervous;” and “Poets who don't rhyme should go back to where they came from.” These magnets provide a daily reminder of what is important and decent and why so many have gone to war to protect our way of life. So put this magnet up at work and save a young woman from a life ruined by indecency. Someday she will thank you.

Rent a big SUV and tailgate a hybrid. Remember how decent the Homeland was when everyone drove gas guzzlers? The bigger the engine, the better. Homelanders scoffed at electric cars. So tailgate that hybrid. Flash your lights. Rev your engine. Let that indecent hybrid owner know what the score is. And don't walk to the grocery store for that bottle of milk your forgot. Drive a big car there. And then leave it idling while you run into the store.

Finally, write your Congressman and tell them to make the poor pay more in taxes. No one ever became decent by taking handouts. That just makes them want to stay home and watch TV which leads to hedonism, liberalism, atheism and anti-Americanism. On the other hand, if they pay more in taxes, they will have to get a second job (or maybe just a first!). That will keep them busy, too busy to be indecent.

As always, it helps to buy The Department of Homeland Decency's Rules and Regulations Manual for you, your family and your friends. It's the only way you can be sure you truly understand 9/11 and remain a decent and pure Homelander.

HELL IS FOR KEEPS!

2011-03-28T13:33:00.002-05:00

Hell is For Keeps
by Billy Anderson
Reviewed by DOHD staff

DOHD gives this newest entry in relig-lit a read-it-or-else recommendation. It is a very moving yet very terrifying story of a young boy who went to the dentist for a routine checkup. But, unfortunately, he got an infection, died and went to hell before doctors revived him and brought him back to life.
Literally to Hell. That's why this story is so remarkable. Almost all the near-death stories you hear tell of someone who dies and then goes to heaven where they see God, Jesus, Gram and Gramps, some angels, and maybe even their pet dog that died years before. It's a warm and cuddly experience for everyone, and they always eagerly relate it because so many people find so much hope in these stories.
But this is the opposite: a young, innocent child suffers a horrible accident, for some reason goes to Hell and comes back with horrifying stories of smells and fires and smoke and evil dope-smoking hippies and all kinds of indecencies that we hope to rid the Homeland of. And we know young Billy Anderson's story is true, because there is no way such an innocent child could know any of these things without actually experiencing them all firsthand.
That's why there is so much we can learn from this book. What is remarkable is that here in this brief book, Billy answers so many questions that people have wondered about since time began. What is Hell? Who goes there? What do you have to do to go there? Is everyone there Christian? Where is it? Are there any nice cats and dogs in Hell? Or just mean pets?
We at the Department of Homeland Decency have long supported decency initiatives because we know they will improve the quality of life for everyone in the Homeland and make our great land a beacon of hope for people in benighted lands — which is just about everywhere else.
Those familiar with our goals are familiar with these initiatives: share a sandwich with an immigrant co-worker, because “Nothing says Homeland like a good sandwich.” Neighborhood Decency Patrols. Our studies that prove that medical marijuana weakens people and makes it easier for indecency to enter their lives, even if just for a week or two before they die..
But now young Billy proves we were right and shows that those who don't do what we tell them to do will end up in Hell. Who did he meet while there? His grandfather, for one, who warned Billy: “Billy, I was a vegetarian my whole life, so I was not strong enough to resist temptation. That's why I am in Hell. I probably recycled too much, too – that's too European.”
There's also Billy's best friend's mother, who died drunk at the wheel of her car. “I was so proud to be the boss at work. I had it all and thought I could do it all. But I'm just a woman and I shouldn't have tried to live a man's life. I ordered men about, which is unnatural and wrong. Women shouldn't do that. We need to be submissive and obedient to men. Then the world works better and we won't go to Hell. My husband will probably go to Hell, too, for letting me speak with other men and go to work.”
Hell is a terrible place for a young boy. There are no cute animals or pets, only means ones. Same with old people: they are all old and cranky and overweight – none of the sweet old people with eccentric habits most of have learned to love. No one is having fun or a nice conversation or playing games, either.
And Hell stinks, because everyone there has gas. That gas, in fact, fuels the fires of Hell. Only vegetables and bran are served, so there will always be gas in Hell and terrible smells. Never any good food. Never any good pancakes or donuts to bring joy to the morning.
Billy's story has a happy ending, however. Doctors worked furiously on him and were able to revive him and now he is healthier than ever. His grades are better, too, and his whole neighborhood has responded to his story by doing everything it can to be the most decent neighborhood in the Homeland. To honor him, all his neighbors have sprayed for dandelions and crabgrass. No one on his block listens to NPR anymore. And you won't find any NY Times being delivered in the neighborhood anymore. Nope. Everyone just is happy to listen to Fox News all day, because that's one place where decency begins.
Read Billy's book. Learn from it. And then be sure to buy “The Decency Rules and Regulations Manual.” Read it and make everyone in your home understands it. Discuss decency issues with your family and friends.
Because won't you feel bad if, on the day of judgment, you end up in Hell? For keeps? Especially for something stupid like visiting France too often and thinking their indecencies are probably OK?
Remember: we are marching proudly backwards to our future. It's never too late to choose decency.

DOHD answers your questions

2011-03-16T12:22:00.002-05:00

Q: I agree with the DOHD’s insistence that English should be the language of everyone that lives in this country. So I am uncomfortable with my children having to learn another language in school. If they are forced to take French, I worry they will start talking only in French and then start behaving like French people – like joining unions, demanding free health care, and taking naps during the afternoons. If there is no way I can stop my child from having to learn another language, is there one language that is better and safer to learn than another?

A: DOHD is adamant that English be the first and preferred language of the Homeland. If you wish to speak another language, you are absolutely free to go live in the country where that language is spoken. That’s what makes our Homeland such a great place.
DOHD intends to sponsor an “I Only Talk English” bill that will require all citizens of the Homeland to speak English at all times, even in their own homes. The bill will also relieve all those agencies/businesses – governmental and private – of the burden of having to cater to non-English-speaking residents. It will also put an end to multi-lingual instruction manuals.
You are right to be concerned about your child being forced to learn a foreign language. The rest of the world must become accustomed to the idea that the Homeland is still the leader of all that is moral and decent. Until things change, schools can still require your children to take a second language. You may not have a choice in the language they study. If you are given a choice, try not to choose French – for obvious reasons that have been expressed many times in this handbook.

Q: What should I do about a neighbor who never buys anything new? While I am not against recycling (even though it seems like a liberal idea), isn’t it possible that too much recycling is not a good thing for the Homeland? My neighbor – who, by the way, has a good job and makes quite a bit of money – always buys used cars, shops at second-hand clothing and furniture stores and even brings back her grocery bags to the grocery store so they can be used again. What, if anything, should I do about this?

A: While recycling was probably started by liberals, we at DOHD have always been on board – until recently. Recycling cans, bottles and newspapers is fine. Buying used cars is dangerous. One reason our Homeland is strong is because we produce new things and people buy them. If people stop purchasing new things like SUVs, the backbone of our Homeland – large manufacturers – becomes brittle and weak. Without a strong backbone, the Homeland becomes prey to large foreign manufacturers with strange and unhealthy ideas about morality. You can see what a slippery slope this can be. If you buy a lot of used merchandise, people in other countries (like France where doing “it” is a normal part of the day, like drinking wine) start to look more stylish, drive better cars and sit on nicer couches than we do. A strong Homeland is a brand-spanking new and sparkly Homeland, not a rusty, threadbare Homeland. We suggest you continue to buy new things and make a point of showing off your new things to your neighbors. If you fail to impress them, we have ways of impressing them that, while maybe not legal, are relatively painless.

Please contact DOHD at info at homelanddecency.com with your questions. Together we can all march proudly backwards to our future!

2011-03-11T11:49:00.000-06:00

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Changes

2011-01-03T13:35:00.001-06:00

The Winds of Change are blowing. First, Tea Partiers in the House of Representatives are going to do what they have never done: read something not written by Glenn Beck. In this case, the Constitution. They are going to do it to start this session of Congress. Of course, maybe they are hiring someone to read it, so they might not actually be reading it. But close enough.

Second, someone in the Obama administration actually criticized Republicans. Really. Said it would be insane of them to let the U.S. Default. Of course, that's not the same as calling them insane, but it's not a bad start. Can Obama keep this up? The suspense will be intense.

And the last thing we want to bring up: our favorite Supreme Court Justice Of All Time, A. Scalia, will be educating House members on the Constitution. He will be giving Michele Bachmann's colleagues in the Constitutional Tea Party Caucus To Save The Constitution And The American Way Of Life From Atheists, Scientists, EPA Bureaucrats, and Liberals, or whatever she's calling her group, important insights into the Constitution, ones that they might not have gotten just from reading it during the opening House session.

And here's what's really exciting: We were lucky enough to find in the trash a copy of A. Scalia's draft notes for this important talk. Really!! That's another big change this New Year has brought: we actually got up, went outside, looked around and found something important to write about.

Of course, some of Scalia's notes were torn and others were covered with food stains, so we can't reproduce these draft notes with complete accuracy. But we think we came close. We used the best methods known to reproduce these and believe in our heart of hearts that the following is what Scalia actually wrote in his draft.

We are very proud to print them here. We all can learn from this learned judge. So read it, think about it, and act accordingly.

SPEECH TO CONSTITUTIONAL CAUCUS SCHOLARS ON CONSTITUTIONALITY OF CONSTITUTION, ETC.
by Anton Scalia,

PERSONAL THOUGHTS ON CONSTITUTION
What is constitutional? What makes something constitutional?
Judges do. Judges get paid very well to do this. It makes us important. It's why we are called “judges.” Man judges, that is. Important to stress that. Constitution does not mention women. Screw Kagan. Why doesn't she have kids? And Sotomayor . . . I still can't pronounce her name.
Why wasn't I appointed Chief Justice. Should I bring that up? I'm the man. Damn frat boy president. I should have laughed at his fart jokes way back in the 90s, when his dad was prez. That's why I'm not Chief Justice. How was I to know he'd get so far? Should've laughed at his fart jokes. Damn. I hated frat boys in college. Still hate em, even if they do get to be prez.

HOW DO YOU WRITE A CONSTITUTIONAL LAW?
Make it short. Short is good. Easier for judges to figure out and understand long things. Or remember what was on page 1084 or whatever. Roberts and Alito are always missing things on any page after 10. They can't keep up. Damn pretty boys, not an original thought in their heads. Their eyes glaze over as soon as lawyers start using those Latin terms. Or big words. They hate big words. In fact, most judges do and just use them because people expect it. But we hate them.
So keep laws short and use small words.

WHAT ABOUT THE INCOME TAX?
Is income tax constitutional? Everyone wants to know this. Is the 16th amendment constitutional? The original constitution didn't let you tax income the way we do now. We should go back to that.
Why should an amendment take precedence over the original Constitution? That doesn't seem right. The founders wrote the original, not the amendment. Shouldn't we honor that?
Plus: tax discrimination comes into play. We don't give equal protection to different rates of pay. Do we want to live in a world where discrimination is OK, even discrimination against billionaires? I don't know if I do. Equal protection for high income tax payers -- I hope to make that happen. Damn. I'm the man.

THE PROBLEM OF WOMEN
We have to man up and face this. Women aren't special, why treat them special? If you stop and think about it, there's one reason and one reason only: we're thinking with our Johnsons. Nothing says they get equal protection, not even the equal protection clause. It never says “Women” in it; it doesn't say “all women are created equal” in the Constitution, either, so why does everyone think they are special?
It's onerous, that's what it is. A burden on good people everywhere to have to put up with women at work, play, school, even the bench here. Sotomayor never shuts up. Maybe some of you have noticed that. I can barely get a word in!

IS CONSTITUTION ACTUALLY CONSTITUTIONAL?
Really important point here, one my whole career is building toward: is the constitution itself unconstitutional? I've been waiting for something like the Tea Party for help here. Bring me a case and let's call it unconstitutional and start over. I'm sick of doing it bit by bit. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not getting any younger. So let's go after it and really make liberals mad. There goes their free speech, their separation of church and state, their voters' rights, equal protection, clean air and water, everything. I can't wait! Bring me the case!!
Hey, there aren't any reporters here, are there? I better make sure. Can't let this get out before I'm ready.

The Tea Party's first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest

2010-10-25T10:09:00.001-05:00

Here is some great fun, courtesy of The Tea Party and our own Department of Homeland Decency! (Kids --you'll love this, too!!) We offer this as a courtesy to readers to help them understand what the next few years will be like.

Dear Great Americans Everywhere,

To celebrate our great moral victory in the November election, the newly formed Tea Party in conjunction with The Department of Homeland Decency's Office of Homeland Heresy is sponsoring its first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest!

Look around you. Who are the heretics in your neighborhood? Point them out to us and with your help, we will once again make America safe for the 19th century.

The rules for this contest are simple. Write in 50 words or less why your neighborhood heretic should be sent up the river. Do they stay home on Sunday morning when you go to church? Do they believe in global warming or the death tax? Do they think they are entitled to government riches? Do they want to tax the rich to pay for their sense of entitlement? Worst of all: Do they think we all come from apes?

Heresy can take many different forms, and the deeper you can develop your essay, the easier it will be for our analysts and judges to decide who deserves to go to prison. To help you start out, try to think of things heretics do or say that you don't want your kids to know about, even when they are 30 or 40 years old and have kids and jobs of their own.

To get things rolling, we had several of our good friends write short essays. We hope these give you a clear idea of how we, with your help, can once again make America safe for the 19th century.

Dear Office of Homeland Heresy,
A neighbor said at our neighborhood block party last summer that he thinks Al Franken is funny. Some children heard him talk about the books Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot and Stupid White Men and they cried all night. Nothing I said could make them understand why anyone would say such mean things. Please send Al Franken to prison for his obvious lack of virtue. Thank you.
Virtuously yours, Norm Coleman

Dear Homeland Heresy people,
I was shocked to discover that my girlfriend has to watch CNN at work just because her boss likes it. This is what I mean when I say liberals hate America. Send that boss to a prison where he has to listen to me and Bill and Sean and Oliver North and all the great American ditto-heads and that'll show him how great America is!
Sincerely, R. Limbaugh

Dear Homeland Heresy,
Canadians cook funny foods! And does anyone understand their English accent? I think they speak some French up there, too! I'd like you to investigate our Canadian neighbors and send them all away. Or shoot 'em. Whatever works best for you works for me.
Sincerely, Drudge

Dear Office of Homeland Heresy,
I miss GW Bush! I dream about him at night. I'm tired of peace signs in my neighbor's front yard. If Obama had been around in 1940, we'd all be speaking German. Or maybe Russian. The other day I saw a teenager down the street buy a condom. He'll never be a decent Christian. And let's not even talk about his teachers!
And those Arab-Canadians out there - aren't they just a combination of the worst of the worst?
I just can't make up my mind who to pick. Can we send them all to prison?
Sincerely, Michele Bachmann
PS: I'm going to burn up that peace sign down the street and you better not say anything about it.

Dear Office of Homeland Heresy,
Anita Hill. Get her to apologize!
Thank you.
Sincerely, Ginni Thomas

First prize in our first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest is something special: the winner gets a front row seat when we sentence their neighborhood heretic to that all-expense paid trip up the river.

Second and third prizes are equally special: DVDs of your neighborhood heretic being interrogated. When will they break? How much can they take before sobbing? Will they be a jittery mass of quivering blob within a week? You and your family can spend many nights enjoying these suspenseful views of how we get heretics to talk to us.

We also plan to give away about 100 consolation prizes, including front row seats for you and your whole family to any heresy trials in your neighborhood! The winners will be announced at a special edition of the No Spin Zone on Christmas Eve, hosted by Bill O'Reilly. There will be many surprise guests, including Tea Party favorites, Juan Williams, Norm Coleman, and our favorite: Joe the Plumber.

So send your essay off to us at The Office of Homeland Heresy. Just write that on the envelope and it will get to us, even without a stamp. That's how important it is to get this first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest out there. With your help, we will make America safe for the 17th century!

The family that has fun together, stays together. Learn more about family fun and how to raise decent children by ordering "Department of Homeland Decency: Decency Rules and Regulations Manual" from amazon.com and bookstores everywhere.

You are what you eat!

2010-10-13T10:43:00.001-05:00

The Department of Homeland Decency wants you to know: “Nothing says 'Homeland' better than a sandwich.”

You should also know the corollary to that: “Nothing says terrorist better than a cup of Campbell's new line of 15 halal-certified soups.”

That's the new Muslim-approved soup that complies with the dietary regulations of the two percent of the American population that follows Islam, soup which some real Homelanders may have been ingesting unwittingly.

Scary? You bet. So what can you, a real Homelander, do about this? The Department of Homeland Decency suggests the following: let a sandwich be your weapon.

When your coworkers from foreign lands sit down in the lunchroom with their rice or salsa and chips or even now that bowl of jihadist soup, they are living without hope. That's what that kind of a diet does, and hopelessness means they are more likely to become a terrorist.
This is where your sandwich comes in. Offer them a bite of your Big Mac. You will be surprised at how effective an anti-terrorist blow that can be. A simple sandwich shows them how great our Homeland is.

Plus, now that you have opened a line of communication with your foreign coworker, you can do more to make them love the Homeland. For instance, if they are wearing a scarf over their head and mouth or a turban, show them your ski cap. Let them try it on so they will know how warm it can be and how good it can look on anyone.

That's the kind of culture sharing that shows others how great the Homeland is. It also may very well stop another 9/11 before it begins!

And it all started with a sandwich!

This announcement is a public service. For more information on keeping the Homeland decent, refer to "The Department of Homeland Decency's Decency Rules and Regulations Manual." We are marching proudly back to the future. Join us.

The Department of Homeland Decency Hero Of The Week

2010-10-12T11:22:00.000-05:00

Carl Paladino, the New York candidate for Governor of New York, is this weeks Department of Homeland Decency Hero Of The Week. He represents everything we at the Department of Homeland Decency hold dear and in his short campaign he has taken on gays, Muslims, the media, and who knows what else. He is an inspiration to decent Homelanders everywhere.

We believe he agrees with our efforts to return decency to the bedroom. As we have always maintained, our Intelligent Designer designed “it” to be done by a Mommy and a Daddy, which is why the very intimate and private parts of Mommy and Daddy fit together perfectly when they do “it.” This is why they can finish “it” quickly and quietly without moaning or screaming and then get up and go about daily life as if nothing had happened.

On the other hand, if two Mommies do it together, or two Daddies, the parts don't fit, causing pain and anguish, which leads to moaning and screaming, bed squeaking, sweating, joint pain, falling property values, urban blight, STDs, cancer, and increased vulnerability to terrorist attack.

With people like Mr. Paladino on our side, we believe our vision of a better and more decent Homeland will soon come to pass. So, congratulations, Mr. Paladino. And good luck in New York!

FAQ: Raising taxes on rich whiners

2010-10-07T13:27:00.000-05:00

We're #1!!!

Well, maybe not in everything. We don't know if we have the smartest people in the world or if we make the best cars anymore. We probably aren't tops in engineering anymore. But we do know where we are #1 and will continue to be #1 for decades to come: we produce the best whiners in the world. It's our really rich people: No one anywhere in the world can beat a good old American billionaire when it comes to whining. We're #1! Our team can't be beat. Let's push for whining to be an Olympic sport. Our billionaires would would easily win the gold! Go USA! We're #1!!

In normal times, you'd think a country we bombed and destroyed like Iraq might lead in this category. Or maybe a country like Mexico that we ruined with our drug habits and gun sales to drug gangs.

But they can't come close to the sophisticated whining of our own home-grown rich whiners. That's why we put together this FAQ. We don't want to lose our competitive edge in this area, but we need money. Should we tax these rich whiners and maybe lose them to some other country? Or should we lower their taxes and keep them around, even if means our roads, schools, etc., will fall apart.

A few points on this important issue follow. We just report, so you can decide.

The Tax-The-Rich Whiner FAQ

I'm sick of listening to them. If we lower taxes on rich whiners, would they stop whining?
No, because it is in their nature to whine. Just as grasshoppers must hop, rich folk must whine about taxes. It's how they let the rest of us know they are rich beyond our wildest dreams. They want the rest of us to know we are just freeloaders since we can't pay anywhere near what they pay. In other words, they want our gratitude.

I don't care – I'm still sick of listening to them. Why not just drive them out to the middle of some desert and leave them there without a GPS or phone or Blackberry or anything? If they can walk out alive, fine. I'll listen to them whine.
No, that would be inhuman. Instead, think about enacting a whine tax: the more they whine, the more they pay. It would solve a lot of problems.

What if the rich decide to go on strike because their taxes go up? You know, not work until we stopped taxing them, just to show us how important they are? Would that destroy life as we know it?
Well, you are assuming they work really hard to start with. But lots of their days are spent golfing or at the club or meeting up with lovers for affairs. So if they went on strike, they would run the risk of having the rest of us find out they really don't produce much. Even worse, if they did go on strike, wouldn't they have to picket something, something their taxes are paying for? Like a daycare center? Or a homeless shelter? And they'd be doing it rain or shine. Could they really do that? Probably not without whining a lot.

But wouldn't higher taxes on the wealthy put us on a slippery slope to becoming more like France or Italy?
Yes, it would. But whatever you might think about rich whiners, they do have pride. And one thing they are proud of is being #1. And if we became more like France or Italy, well, it would make their whining even better, richer, more profound. Their whines might become so profound that they would sound like French philosophers. They would like that, because they do think the French are sophisticated. So, yes, we would be on a slippery slope, but where it would lead, we don't know yet.

One last question: I'd like to try my hand at being a rich whiner. What's a good entry to this field?
Sorry, but there are no openings. First, rich whiners are born, not made. It's in their genes, which they make sure none of the rest of us will ever have by not marrying people like us. And second, the rich whiners are saving any openings for their children. As we said, they are born, not made, and there is a ready supply coming up through their country day school system everywhere.

Department of Homeland Decency and Medical Marijuana

2010-10-05T09:39:00.001-05:00

Will we see medical marijuana legalized in more states this year or in coming years? Unfortunately, the culture wars are returning and this is but one battle. Plus, The Department of Homeland Decency is opposed to it and its spokesperson, Mrs. Flue, explains why in the following video. We found this video and post it here so voters can make informed choices. View it. Tell your friends. Then do the right thing.

If the Republicans win big, Mrs. Flue will become the norm again. Let's hope that doesn't happen.
And if you wish to know more, please buy The Department of Homeland Decency's Rules and Regulations Manual (information is listed in the right hand column). It will prepare you for the return of the Age of Decency.

Safety Tips From The Department of Homeland Decency

2010-09-15T13:33:00.001-05:00

In these dangerous days, we all must be prepared for anything. It is our patriotic duty. Evil is out there, waiting to strike, waiting to take your country from you and turn it into something foreign and alien.
For instance, when you buy a candy bar at your local Quick Mart, how do you know those people behind the counter are real capitalists who want to become like us? How do you know that some of the money you give them for that candy bar is not going to some atheist humanist Muslim terrorist organization intent on destroying life as we know and enjoy it? How can you be sure? More importantly, how would you find out?
Or suppose you take your family to a blockbuster movie. What would you think if, in so doing, you were unwittingly funding a porno liberal Homeland-hating cabal of gay hedonists whose goal in life is to make our country into Europe or Canada? Do you want to live in Europe or Canada? Do you want your kids to? So ask yourself before you go to that next blockbuster: What can I do to help ensure the safety of my kids and my Homeland?
Speaking of your kids, what about the school your kids go to? Unions, of course, are OK to an extent. But what happens to your kids when they hear teachers spouting anti-freedom union propaganda that is socialist one-world nonsense? Young minds are not hardened against such indecencies and believe everything they are told. That is how unscrupulous union teachers shape and distort young eager innocent minds. Is that happening to your kids?
These are just a few of the many dangers in the Homeland these difficult days. That is why The Department of Homeland Decency is working to give Homelanders the tools they need to fight these evils. We have commissioned a study group made up of real American patriots that will design study questions to help everyone recognize all the extreme dangers around us. We call this program Problems in Evil, or PIE.
Join us today as we fight back to reclaim our country. Make the study of PIE a family or neighborhood event. Bring your family and friends together to study and discuss these problems.
And then you will be prepared when you are out there alone and evil comes after you. The following is the first phase of of our PIE home-study session. You will be tested on this, so be sure to spend as much time as you need on it.

It's Thanksgiving and one of your young relatives is eating Tofurkey. In simpler times, this might not be a problem, but we do not live in simple times so Tofurkey is a major problem. Here's your dilemma: You like this young relative and want to help and support him but at the same time you know Tofurkey is wrong and shouldn't be served on a holy day like Thanksgiving. But you don't want to embarrass him in front of the whole family. What do you do?

A: Say nothing in the belief that tolerance and diversity are great national virtues and that your young relative will like you more for smiling and supporting veganism.

B: Ask to try it and smile and support your young relative, even though you hate Tofurkey and know it is evil and should be banned.

C: Put it all on the table and point out that real Americans got to be real Americans by eating meat, and it is our great tradition to be able to eat more meat than our ancestors ever dreamed could possibly be eaten in one lifetime. Our continent was tamed by meat-eaters, and if we don't honor that by serving and eating meat, the evil atheist tofu-loving Muslim terrorists will win.

Correct answer: C. If you are going to fight evil, who do you want on your side: a weeny tofu-eating liberal who drives a weeny looking car? Or someone who had a solid meat and potatoes dinner, owns a big pickup, and is ready to fight anytime, anywhere? We think the answer is pretty obvious.

You're in line at the airport and someone ahead of you doesn't want to be searched. It's holding up the line. What would a real American do?

A: Support this stranger by pointing out that they are right in the belief that privacy and individual freedom are great national virtues. Mention that government doesn't get to search people willy nilly. Join in with the person in refusing to be searched.

B: Look annoyed and then look for a shorter line.

C: Read aloud for everyone's sake the DOHD motto: “You have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide. You have nothing to hide if you have nothing to fear. So fear nothing and you need not hide. Hide nothing and you need not fear.” This will help everyone deal with these issues in the future and keep them from getting scared in these situations.

Correct answer: C. Most people have nothing to hide, so they should be happy to show the evildoers out there what goodness and decency looks and acts like. Those who are hiding things are by definition evildoers who take advantage of our freedoms to try to destroy us. One of these people could easily be standing next to you in any airport line. That's why we need to look under everyone's clothes, frisk them, go through their bags just in case something bad is in there, and ask lots of questions.

The last discussion item for this PIE session: You're at work and you notice that there are more and more weird, foreign-looking foods in the lunch room refrigerator. There are so many yogurts and salsas and rice dishes and even tofu that you can barely find room for your sandwich. So what do you do when you sit down at lunch and someone who barely speaks English sits next to you because there is no other space available?

A: Shake your head “No” as if to suggest that someone is going to join you, even though you know that they know this is a lie.

B: Eat your sandwich quickly and silently and look annoyed at their food.

C: Offer them a bit of your sandwich because you know that nothing says Homeland like a good sandwich and once they taste a Homeland sandwich they will give up their evil-doing, learn English and become a regular Sunday morning church-goer.

Correct answer: C. When they are eating friend rice or salsa and chips, they are living without hope. That means they are more likely to become a terrorist. So offering them a bite of your Big Mac is as great an anti-terrorist action that anyone can take. Ever. Plus, if they are wearing a scarf over their head and mouth or a turban, show them your ski cap. Let them try it on so they will know how warm it can be and how good it can look on anyone. That's the kind of culture sharing that shows others how great the Homeland is. It also may very well stop another 9/11 before it begins!

So remember: it's up to you to find evil. We can't be everywhere. In the meantime, always remember our motto, because it will keep you and your family safe:

“You have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide.
You have nothing to hide if you have nothing to fear.
So fear nothing and you need not hide.
Hide nothing and you need not fear.”

HATEFEST 2010! A few more things Republicans could easily hate if they just their minds to it.

2010-08-23T12:34:00.000-05:00

Republicans: You're not working hard enough! There are still many hateful things out there you are not foaming at the mouth over. Don't just sit there and expect others to do it! It's up to you to. Accept responsibility. If you work hard, yes, you can teach us all to hate and do it just as well as you do!

You need some examples to get yourself worked up so you can hate as well as other Republicans? Well, pick something, anything. Sidewalk sales, for instance. So far Republicans haven't expressed any strong hatred for Sidewalk Sales, but that doesn't mean they couldn't. Suppose Newt, the guy with the Ph.D. and all the great ideas, got up one day and said: “Who goes to sidewalk sales? What do they buy there? Did you know that Sidewalk Sales have roots in Arab markets? The shoe bomber bought his shoes at Arab markets.” Then Fox News starts investigating: “Terrorists buy phones and wires at Sidewalk Sales that blow up our troops.” Then McCain: “What's wrong with your local mall? Malls are American, run by Americans. Plus they have guards there to keep terrorists and other brown people out. People who go to Sidewalk Sales hate America.”

If you work hard and practice, you can learn to hate just about anything. Here's more stuff you could hate, if you just put in a good honest effort! (And just so everyone knows: there's still plenty of time between now and November to hate a lot more things. You're just going to have to work really really really hard at it. . . .)

Tofu Eaters. Mitt Romney, so afraid of being seen as a cultist Mormon liberal big government type, starts it off: “Tofueaters don't go to my Country Clubs. We eat steaks and chicken and good American foods at my Country Clubs!” Fox News sportscasters point out: “Brett Favre avoids tofu. And he doesn't let his lineman get near the stuff. That's why he's lasted so long. Who do you want defending you from some 350-pound defensive end: Some Ph.D. football player from Harvard who eats tofu? or someone from Oklahoma who eats raw steer meat for breakfast?” And finally Palin chirps in: “Obama loves tofu.”

Men With Cats. Cokie Roberts starts it off by pointing out: “A dog is a man's best friend. Cats are exotic and if you think about it, they are aloof like Obama. They act like they hate America.” Maureen Dowd displays her knowledge of men with cats: “Men with cats don't know how to load a gun. They don't want to know. If a burglar terrorist were breaking into your home to steal your TV and your daughter's honor, what's a man with a cat gonna do? Cook up some tofu for the terrorist burglar and negotiate? Men: Don't let your daughters fall for a man with a cat. I know. I've been there.”

Foreign Countries. Bill Kristol finally says it: “Let's just admit it: Foreign countries have no reason to exist except as another place for the U.S. to invade.” Steve Doocy expresses how poorly he was treated in foreign countries: “Have you ever been to one? First, you have to learn their language. Then you have to deal with their cabbies who are trying to cheat you out of a few pennies and try to get them to give you the right change. Then figure out their currency.” Gretchen Carlson gets really excited at this: “And have you ever eaten dinner in a foreign country? Those foreign chefs look down their noses at hamburgers and such.” David Brooks makes it sound intelligent: “Plus foreign countries are just sitting there taking up space and sitting on who knows how many billions – or even trillions – of dollars worth of resources. Someone should mine or harvest all that and then put to good use here in the Homeland.” Finally, Dick Cheney rises from the dead and says: “Liberals like to travel to foreign countries. That's why we hate all foreign countries. So, we need to invade all the foreign countries that we haven't yet invaded, convert everyone there to capitalism, take their good stuff, and then have a steak for dinner.”

Broccoli. Michele Bachmann, who probably never serves broccoli, says: “It's hard to spell. It's a vegetable. And it just leads to harder socialist stuff. If you serve it to your kids, before you know it they will be eating tofu!”

Old Thin Men. Rush Limbaugh starts this one off: “Who are they trying to impress? Do they think that because they are thin they will get more sex than all of us fat old men? There's nothing worse than getting on a plane, sitting across the aisle from an old thin man, and watching him eat. The bag of peanuts fills him up. Then he has a glass of water.” Mika Brezinski chimes in: “Have you ever noticed how thin old Muslim men are? Just something to think about . . .” And Michele Bachmann brings the hatred home: “And, by the way, have you noticed how thin our Muslim president is? Just thinking out loud here. . . .”

Bike lanes. Talk radio in any town is always on top of this issue: “They take up space that cars could use. They get in the way. Cyclists wear funny clothes. And they don't pay for that space. That's what Communists did. So give all that space to cars and keep bikes off the roads, on sidewalks or elsewhere. (And don't get me started on buses!!!!)”

You go, Republicans! Work on it. The rest of us are feeling left out.

The NEW IMPROVED U.S. Constitution!

2010-08-16T09:36:00.000-05:00

It's been a long, hot summer, made hotter by all the people who don't understand the U.S. Constitution. So to avoid all this strife in future years, The New and Improved U.S. Constitution is now in force. It will guarantee an end to all these pointless discussions on things like religious freedom, torture, and same-sex marriage that just waste our time and keep us from taking our country back from those who have made it into a European, Muslim suburb.

So, coming soon to a courthouse and school near you is:

The New and Improved U.S. Constitution (YAY!!)

We the REAL Americans, in order to form a more perfect union (“Perfect Union” by definition outlaws labor, teachers', government employees', or same-sex unions under this new and improved constitution) establish justice for all REAL Americans, promote the welfare for those who truly DESERVE it (and can prove they deserve it by showing pay stubs, tax forms and a bona fide birth certificate), and secure the blessings of liberty for us, our kids and neighbors (who were born in the U.S. of A. of REAL America mothers, not some foreign woman here on vacation or here working illegally).

Section 1: Congress can only pass laws that meet common sense, which is a law that is no more than two pages in length and comprised of words no longer than six letters. That means: no Cap and Trade, no Health Insurance Reform, no Bank Reform, no Campaign Finance Reform, and no Helmet Laws!

Section 2: If any law passes that isn't common sensical and a REAL American (which by definition is someone born herein the U.S. of A. of a REAL American mother) doesn't like it, immediate elections will be held for all those who voted for it. If not enough bums are thrown out in said election, new representatives shall be appointed by a board of respected Tea Partiers who are appointed to one year terms annually at the annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention.

Section 3: Taxes can only be cut, never increased.

Section 4: Corporations are people, too, and have one vote per each million dollars in profits.

Section 5: Only REAL Americans can run for president. No Kenyan can be president. If one is elected accidentally, a new election will be immediately held with all Kenyans removed from the ballot.

Section 6: The judicial branch shall consist of non-activist judges who have displayed in their writings and lives a keen interest and understanding in taking the country back from those who have made it unrecognizable. Judges with more than six children shall be given preference in appointments and salaries.

Section 7: Praying loudly is allowed in schools.

Section 8: Evolution and sex education aren't.

Section 9: In the interests of maintaining a well-regulated and well-prepared militia, everyone will be required to own three guns and two boxes of ammo for each.

Section 10: Only those born in the U.S. of REAL Americans can be citizens. All others will need to go to the closest immigration office and apply and learn all about how great we are.

Section 11: Tofurkey cannot be served on Thanksgiving, Christmas or Indepence Day but it can be served on lesser holidays.

Section 12: This document can be changed only at the annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention and only by a majority vote. The Annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention will be held each year on the weekend after Independence Day and lots of fireworks will be lit.

GUNS GOD AND BOOZE: what's the problem?

2010-05-24T09:23:00.000-05:00

We found this in a local Tea Party newsletter. We reprint it here without any comment.

Hi everyone. Just wanted to shoot off (ha ha) a few rounds here to update you on what we're dong to bring freedom, guns and god to everyone, even those who say they don't want them.

ROUND ONE: We've told you last time about our new gun-giveaway program for schools; they give away condoms in schools, so why not guns? We liked the idea, because, well, guns are safe when used right, and condoms when used right are sinful and disgusting. Well, that one didn't go over so good, thanks to the usual secular socialist liberals who hate our freedoms and thought maybe it would be a better idea if we just donated some computers to the schools.

And then there was the guns-for-babies program that really excited us, where every legally married couple would get a nice pink little gun, the kind that gals love and want to carry with them to protect them when they are walking alone at night. But, again, commie socialist atheist pinkos said this was extremely politically incorrect and maybe it would be better if we just gave every couple a nice gift certificate to Baby Gap instead.

This just shows how hard it can be to be a good patriotic citizen. Our liberties are being taken from us and nobody seems to care and every time we come up with something to make things better, the PC police show up and tell us to go back to the drawing board and come up with something else. Idiots, all of them!

ROUND TWO: And what are our liberal commie activist judges doing? Well, they are hard to work giving every jihadist Tom Dick and Hussein their Miranda rights, a lawyer and probably a map to all our nuclear generators. And they force the rest of us real Americans to buy health insurance or pay big fines! When they kill your granny, they are going to send you the bill?

ROUND THREE: If God didn't want us to shoot each other, he would not have made some of us such good shots. God doesn't want you to waste what he gives you. He gives it to you for a reason. So he made some of us expert marksmen so the herd can be culled to celebrate his glory.

What that means is: those who can, do. Those who can't, well, they miss the target and then everyone sees that they are no good at much of anything. Then no one wants to marry them and have kids with them. So they get depressed and feel sorry for themselves. Then go do something dumb like vote for Democrats and Commies. It happens all the time.

But here's the good news: their chances of having kids and passing those anti-gun genes on to the next generation are next to nothing. I figure that in a couple more generations, all those genes will be gone and we'll have guns everywhere, even in pre-schoolers' backpacks. I just wish I could be there to see it!

ROUND FOUR: God likes guns and he wants all of us to own a few and carry them wherever we go.
We know this because up where they found Noah's Ark up there in Turkey, they found some other important things. (There haven't been too many reports about this because of the atheists who run the media in our country.) What they left out, because it scares them: there was a draft of the 10 Commandments that mentioned guns up there! Of course, there were no guns way back then then, which makes you wonder why this was in the 10 Commandments and if it is real. But think of it this way: God likes guns so much that he was dropping hints way back then about them so that when they were around, we would know they came from God, just like freedom.

In fact, guns are freedom. They are a part of liberty and freedom and justice that God wanted us to have. That's why this commandment almost ended up as one of the 10. It read: “Thou shalt not have any trigger locks or any other impediments on thy guns, lest the intruders who fall upon your house and home in the darkness have time to draw upon thee and harm thee and thine before thou can gettest thy gun and shoot the aforesaid perpetrators of thuggery.” It's kind of a long commandment, too, so it's probably better that it was left out. But, still, doesn't that mean that government should keep its hands off our guns?

It just goes to show you, God really likes guns.

PAYOFF ROUND: What's wrong with carrying guns into bars? I know, I know, it's a touchy-feely thing with the above mentioned commies and liberals that real Americans can't handle guns when we've had a few. Well, I just want to say that I have been shooting guns my whole life, and I've been drinking my whole life, too. And I have all my toes, fingers, ears, legs, arms, etc., except for one thumb, but that was a gun-cleaning accident, not a booze and guns accident. And I have all my family members, except for my favorite dog that ran off into the woods where we were shooting at shadows and, well, maybe that old hound was one of the shadows. But we know we aren't angels. We like our booze and we like our guns. And we like the two of them together even more.

That's it for now. I gotta go reload and I'll shoot off a few more rounds when I'm ready.

Are You Smarter Than A Texas 5th Grader?

2010-03-26T14:06:00.001-05:00

The Texas 5th grader is the new standard of excellence in Homeland edication now that the Texas Board of Edication has rewritten the curriculum for Texas schools.

Gone are historical figures like Thomas Jefferson. (He apparently irritated Texans by coining the phrase “separation of church and state” so they dumped him.) Instead of larnin' about him, they will larn about other historical figures like Phyllis Schlafly (huh?). And the National Rifle Association. Also out of the curriculum: the word “capitalism.” It's being replaced in Texas with the term “free enterprise system” in all the textbooks. (So take that, all you capitalist pigs out there! Even Texas hates you!)

And, by the way, the Homeland is a Christian nation. And Sen. Joe McCarthy was right; the U.S. Government was filled with Commies and he would've rooted them all out and sent them to Kingdom Come, except that liberals and atheists and all the usual suspects who hate America stopped him. That's what they'll be larnin' down in Texas school houses in the 21st century.

Unfortunately, since Texas purchases so many textbooks, textbook publishers ship the same textbooks with the same larnin' to other states. So we'll all be larnin' that personal responsibility is the only surefire way not to get pregnant. (But you already knew, didn't you? And that condoms can explode for no reason at all?)

So, are you smarter than a Texas 5th grader? Take the following quiz, which is based on our understanding of these new and important curriculum standards, and find out.

(Answers are either True or False and are provided at the bottom of the page.)

SCIENCE
Adam and Eve had a pet dinosaur named Princess.
Men who are weak and effeminate had moms who were feminists.
Abstinence education works because the horrors of sex before marriage are fully explained.
The world is too big to run out of oil.

GUNS
Nowhere in the Second Amendment does the term “Separation of Church and State” appear
The right to bear arms is why the Homeland is the greatest place ever in the world.
The Second Amendment was originally the First Amendment, but the liberal media and Hollywood didn't want guns to come before free speech or the right of assembly because they hate America.

HISTORY
We lost in Vietnam because women in the 60s were all feminists who would only date men who got in touch with their feelings.
Men in touch with their feelings can't shoot straight.
Sen. Joe McCarthy was destroyed by a cabal of liberals and secular humanists who hate America.
The Homeland's founding fathers didn't want a government that taxed their Big Macs, soft drinks or health care plans.
The 40s and 50s were great for the Homeland because everyone worked hard and those who didn't didn't eat.
The 60s was a sad time for the Homeland because God was kicked out of schools.

The answers are below. So are you smarter than a Texas 5th grader? If you aren't, don't worry. You can study, work hard and apply yourself. (Which you should be doing anyway.)

By the way, if you are at work or school reading this, that's why you're not smarter than a Texas 5th grader (and may never be). They're not reading this. They probably don't have computers in Texas, either. They're all at home or school, reading the Bible and larnin' all about science. Then they'll graduate and get your job. Then they'll be your boss. Then they'll fire you for being so ignorant. And then they'll be everywhere!

(Uh oh. we're in trouble, too. Quick, help us out here . . . what's the answer to the first question again?)

Answers: all true.

Decent news for Decent folks! Glen Beck wins Rapture rights!

2010-03-15T10:48:00.000-05:00

It's now official: God hates the liberal media, churches that do social justice, progressives, Obama, gays, lesbians, and New York City, LA, San Francisco, Europe, Africa, and much of South and Central America.

We know this now because Beck just won the right to broadcast the Rapture.

In a surprise to everyone (except the decent folk everywhere who listen to Beck all day long and were praying for this), Beck now has exclusive rights to the Rapture, including the name, book rights, movie rights, and product tie-ins. No one else can even use the word Rapture without saying “The Rapture Brought To You By Glen Beck.”

"We went after this because we know Beck is a decent, upright, liberal-bashing, true believer, as are his fans, and the other networks aren't," a Beck spokesman said. "We want decency to return to the Homeland and to televisions everywhere. That's why Beck is the one to broadcast the Rapture. Who wants Anderson Cooper or Keith Olbermann to broadcast it? Maybe a secular humanist pinko Homeland hating college professor!"

One problem that has not been ironed out, however, is who would be around to watch a telecast of The Rapture Brought To You By Glen Beck if this event occurs and the world truly ends then. Or who would want to read the books, watch the movies, or buy T-shirts and coffee cups with pictures of Glen Beck on them with a background of The Apocalypse?

Despite that problem, however, Beck producers are very upbeat, as are Fox stockholders. Fox stock went up 50 percent on news of this once-in-a-lifetime telecast.

"We are proud to show this event because we expect it to surpass the combined popularity of the Super Bowl, World Series, Masters Golf Tournament, and Florida 2000 vote count," Beck said. "Viewers should be extremely excited about this. Nothing like this has ever been on TV before. Not even The O'Reilly Factor, as important as that show is, could hope to be this big."

Exactly when this will be on TV is uncertain. Whether this deal is legal is another stumbling block. Regardless of that, however, Fox wants to broadcast at least one more run of American Idol, so if The Rapture comes a little earlier than expected, the the Rapture Brought To You By Glen Beck will not be seen live.

Ask The HMO Accountant

2010-03-15T09:35:00.000-05:00

With health care reform on the ropes and everyone sick to death of hearing about it, we decided to once again open our doors to those who need medical help. The clinic is open and the HMO Accountant is in to help you with your medical problems. Remember: this might be the best medical care available to any of us in the very near future future.

Dear HMO Accountant,

I slipped on some ice and ended up buried in a snow drift for three hours before someone walking their dog saw me. If it hadn't been for them, I might have died! As it is, I suffered severe frost bite and am just lucky that nothing had to be amputated. Anyway, you denied my claim and I don't get it. I got hurt, went to the ER and got healthy. Why won't you pay?

Sincerely, Freezing in Fargo

Dear Freezing in Fargo,

It's very important that we work hard to keep the health insurance industry healthy and vibrant so that it will be there when people need it. That means we have to turn down many claims that just don't pass the smell test. In your case, if you stop and think about this, slipping on ice is kind of a pre-existing condition. People in Southern California, for instance, don't slip on ice, whereas people in Fargo tend to. That makes slipping on ice a pre-existing condition that you have. So for us to pay for that pre-existing condition would put us on a slippery slope to financial ruin. Profits would drop. Our stocks would tank. And we'd have to cut the salary of the CEO, which, of course, he won't allow us to do. So, you should probably move to Southern California, where, if you do happen to slip on ice, we'll cover it. But, of course, if you are down there and get bit by a snake, well, that's a pre-existing condition down there, because that probably wouldn't happen in, say, Alaska. It's all in that new booklet we just sent out a couple days ago. Did you get a chance to read it over? Take a look at it, and good luck! Stay healthy!

Dear HMO Accountant,

This health care reform debate is driving me nuts. I've got a nervous twitch in my neck that throws my head back and makes me grit my teeth, which not only hurts a lot but makes it really hard for me to get dates. I look like I'm about to assault someone. On top of that, I'm always angry. I eat and drink too much and am getting really fat. And my digestion is terrible – I keep passing gas and that also makes it really hard to get a date. Why don't you all just get behind reform and let's get on with everything and I'll be healthy and fun to be with again. And maybe someone will date me. I'm really kind of nice and smart. And I want to have kids, hopefully before health insurance stops covering child birth. Please.

Sincerely, Lonely in Louisville,

Dear Lonely in Louisville

Maybe it's a good thing you have these problems. Has that occurred to you? Because if you have good health care, there are devious, manipulative people out there who will date you and then marry you for your health insurance. And is that the kind of relationship you want? I bet not. What will happen to that relationship if you lose your insurance? Or if we deny them coverage for something? Well, they'll blame you, and there you go. So you're actually better off with a nervous twitch, staying home and eating and drinking too much than getting into a relationship like that. Believe me. I've been there. So every time I get a letter like yours, I say: Stick with your own kind. Ask to see someone's health insurance card before you go out and buy them dinner. Ask what if covers. And even if they have health insurance, is it as good as yours? Probably not, because we pride ourselves on satisfying our customers. So stay home. Don't watch the news and you'll be better off. And so will we, because you won't meet someone that you marry who we have to provide coverage for. That's a win-win. So good luck. Stay happy. Stay healthy.

Death HMO Accountant,

Can I make an appointment to see a shrink? I have terrible headaches and am nervous all the time and sometimes hear voices telling me to eat Big Macs until I throw up. I think I really need to talk to someone. Will you cover this?

Sincerely, Tired of burgers in Buffalo

Dear Tired of Burgers in Buffalo,

If you go the shrink route, you might get better for a little while, but you'd soon run up against the lifetime limit on your policy. So we don't think you should do that, although you could. Instead, what has worked for others with similar problems, is for you to just talk back to those voices. If you think that would embarrass you, put a cell phone to your ear when you hear them and talk into it. Loudly. No one will suspect anything, and you'd be empowering yourself at no cost to us. That way, we will always be there for you and others when you need us.

Goodluck! Stay healthy! We're all in this together, so let's all row in the same direction!!

Milestones in curling

2010-03-02T14:26:00.000-06:00

During the 2010 Winter Olympics in Canada, you couldn't throw a broom without hitting a television channel beaming curling into every living room in the world. What was that about? Since when did pushing a disk with a handle down a sheet of ice with two guys or gals with brooms helping it along qualify as must-see TV? Never mind the questions of how it qualifies as an Olympic sport.

For people who don't know the first or last thing about curling but who watched anyway, we asked someone who would know. Sore Bender. Sore, sidelined by a curling injury and now retired, was a seasoned 30-year veteran of the curling circuit. After his final end, he was instrumental in getting the funding for the first (and only) Museum of Curling and Its History, where he is curator and occasional lecturer on the sport.

Q. Mr. Bender, we don't want to say all – but for most people curling is big mystery. Can you give a brief history of the sport? I think most people would wonder how anyone in their right mind would think a rock and a couple of brooms might mean a fun time.

A. Well, you're not far from the truth when you put it like that. He wasn't in his right mind, the guy that thought it up. Curling started in the north where the winters never ended it seemed. And there was no television and people got bored and depressed and stir-crazy and sometimes downright murderous and drunk at the same time. The first rock that led to curling was thrown in a rage, outdoors on a really cold night. One guy throwing a rock at another guy, a guy so fed up that he just picked up a rock and threw at the first guy that came along. And he felt better.

Q. You mean the guy that threw it felt better.

A. Well, yeah. The other guy who didn't. He fell down and he slid on the ice and he didn't get up. And that was that. But it started kind of a bad trend and all these crazy cooped-up men would come out of bars at closing time, grab rocks and start throwing them at each other because the first guy felt so good after he did it. And they did feel good, but they had to tone it down because too many guys weren't getting up after they got hit. And they toned it down by drawing a bullseye in the middle of a lake and started aiming at that instead and then you know when you get a bunch of guys together, there's going to be some “I throw it better than you,” or I can hit the bullseye in three tries.” And some betting. And then there were teams and the rest is history.

Q. What about the brooms? Were they used to sweep up the bodies that didn't get up?

A. Yeah, I get the joke. No. There were no brooms at first. But, see, after a game, some teams were so sore – there was a lot of drinking so that didn't help – they threw there beer bottles or whiskey bottles or what have you right at each other and there was broken glass and somebody had to sweep it up before the next game. And, course, before you knew it, someone figured out that made the ice slicker when they threw the rock – well, you take it from there. And then the sweeping helped them stay warm, too, because it was so damn cold when they were out rock-throwing.

Q. There are two schools of thought on sweeping: The “Yes, Sweeping Makes a Huge Difference” school, and the “No, Sweeping Is Stupid” school. Curlers generally fall into the first school, while everyone else in the world falls into the second. What about you?

A. I don't know. You'd look pretty stupid just walking the rock down to the bullseye and not doing anything to help it. You might as well be walking along and having a chat or a drink with your team mates.

Q. What is a skip?

A. There was a guy named Skip. Skip Rollie. Skip Rollie was the first player to make the nearly impossible Triple Strike Crossover Block Roll Switch. It scored seven points on one stone. When he did this, he and his teammates jumped up and down because they just beaten Canada for the very first time. They jumped so hard, they wen right through the ice. Everybody survived OK, except Skip, who got bad frostbite and it just went from there until he couldn't grip the stone or a broom and he just went off and died the way a dog goes off when he knows there's no use anymore.

Q. That's sad.

A. Course it was. But good things came of it. They moved curling off the lakes and into the indoors where you have bathrooms and a place to get drinks and it's a place the whole family might want to go after church on Sunday. And Skip got honored, too, because the head of every team is named after him.

Q. Does curling use coaches? Who are those middle-aged guys that come down to the curling sheet once in awhile and talk to the players? Is he talking strategy?

A. Sort of. He's someone who heads up things and gives advice. I guess you could call him the coach. Usually, he just comes down and tells us a joke or takes our drink orders. But he really doesn't know anything more than we do. He's kind of an honorary barkeep coach. A guy who can listen to your problems, pick up your spirits.

Q. I don't know anyone who knows the rules of curling. Is that because they are so difficult?

A. Well, it used to be they made them up as they went along, just to keep things relaxed since, remember, this was something to do blow off steam instead of throwing a bottle or shooting off your gun. But now there are two rules: get it down there and hit the other guy's rock while you're getting it down there. Nothing fancy.

Q. Are curlers like other athletes? Do they have to train? Is there a diet regimen?

A. No, that's how we're better than most athletes. Training is almost like cheating to a curler, almost like taking those steroid drugs. If you can't get yourself up and curl anytime, anywhere, no matter what shape you're in, there's something wrong with you. We don't take vitamins and we eat whatever we want. Most curlers like a big pot roast before a big game and they like to have a drink before they get on the ice. There's no rules about drinking during the game either. But it's not a good idea because you can get wild with the stone or your broom and, more likely than not, someone gets hurt.

Q. Have there been a lot of curling accidents?

A. Not that many. Like I said, people tend to keep their drinking to before and after the games. There are some wrist injuries from over-sweeping, or sweeping the wrong way. Mostly the injuries come from bus accidents. Bus sliding off the road on our way to a game. Bus tipping over. Bus rolling into a lake. Bus jumping lane into incoming traffic. Bus spinning out and hitting a billboard. That kind of thing. We always used to worry about our away games. Icy roads are a problem for curling teams.

Q. Are you married?

A. I was, but curling kind of got in the way. You gotta be married to curler if you're a curler. It's too hard to explain to someone who doesn't curl. She thought it was a joke. She used to hide my broom when she was mad. And you meet women on the road.

Q. You mean, like curling groupies?

A. There were some. A guy with his own broom and who knows how to use it attracts a lot of women.

Q. So, there are star curlers just like there are star football players and soccer players?

A. Why not?

Q. Now that you are retired, do you miss it?

A. The women? Nah, not that much. And I was getting clumsy. I got bifocals and those lenses - you see double – and I dropped a stone on my foot about ten years ago and it never really healed up. And, of course, when you get older, you don't like being on ice so much. You're already cold all the time. And I've got the museum to keep up.

Q. What can people see if they go to the Curling Museum?

A. Well, it's pretty small, but it's good. There's trophies and different curling rocks and brooms and their history. There are wax figures of famous curlers they might recognize. Big charts showing the important dates in curling history and descriptions of curling milestones. Like the Brawl of '37 and how that changed curling. And there are oral histories, stories told by the old-timers, that you can listen to.

Q. Well, thanks, Sore Bender. I'm just relieved I didn't make one crack about shuffleboard.

A. You're welcome. Me, too.

Ask the HMO Accountant

2010-01-22T14:18:00.000-06:00

Good news, America! Health care reform is not dead!!!

The famed Group of Six, the six senators led by Sen. Baucus who delayed things so long that everyone thought nothing would be done, felt so bad about that that they came up with a plan everyone can get behind. It won't cost much or add to the deficit. Unemployed people can afford it. It's not complicated. And it will allow insurance companies to stay in business and do what they want to do: help people get well.

The plan is very simple: just Ask the HMO Accountant! It's cheap. It's effective. It's quick. And it's reform that is American, not French or Canadian or, even worse, French Canadian! Sign up today and you'll soon be asking yourself: Why didn't we think of this before?

The following shows you how it works.

Dear HMO Accountant,

I've lived a very healthy life but I can't get health insurance. The plans I called said I was a little nutty because I never drank or smoked, I exercise regularly and always go to bed early. I also eat only locally-produced organic foods. And I am slim and mentally sharp. All these plans said that means I'm just going to get depressed in a few years when I figure out that everyone dies eventually – even healthy people. Then they said that I will cost them lots of money because I have a pre-existing condition. This doesn't seem right. I've never been sick a day in my life. What kind of pre-existing condition are they talking about? Why can't a health person like me get a good insurance policy?

Sincerely, Uninsured in Utica

Dear Uninsured in Utica

You are more than a little nutty. Do you know what the essence of insurance is?Not nuttiness, that's for sure. The essence of insurance is rationality. And rationality means rationing. No one likes to use the world “ration” when discussing health care, but it's a good word. In fact, it's the root of the word “rational.” So to ration is actually very rational, which means that it makes perfect sense not to give you health insurance at this point. Maybe we can do it some day in the future, but only if we are convinced that your pre-existing condition -- that massive depression that is awaiting you if you continue being more than a little nutty – won't cost us money. Rationing now will mean lots more people can get help in the future, possibly. Including you. Call us again in a few years, and if you're still healthy and not down in the dumps, there might be enough resources left to get you covered without causing the whole system to collapse. In the meantime, relax, have a burger, watch some trashy TV, and lighten up.

Dear HMO Accountant,

I had a bad accident the other day. I was doing some post-surgical physical therapy at home because my health plan is really bad and won't pay for any rehab. So I did some research on the Internet and found a simple machine that could help me. I ordered it and put it together myself. But I'm not much of a handyman, so a heavy piece of metal fell off and hit me on the head. I went to the emergency room, but my health plan won't pay for that either. And now I hear nothing but ringing in my ears and my health plan doesn't cover ears. They say I was in essence practicing medicine without a license with my home therapy so they aren't going to pay, and that nothing warrants an emergency room visit except . . . well, they couldn't think of anything that warrants one. And ear coverage is only for really, really old people who only need to go the ear doctor one time so the doctor can tell them they are going deaf because they are old. This is nuts. What should I do? And what the hell am I paying these high rates for?

Sincerely, Ringing off in Reno

Dear Ringing Off In Reno,

We have the best health care in the history of the world, at least we think so. Occasionally, some will have to pay more, but that will help keep our system as great as it is. Isn't that a small price for you to pay? I think others will thank you someday for your sacrifice. And have you tried dropping that piece on your head again? I've read somewhere on the Internet that sometimes doing the same thing over can reverse some of the unwanted consequences of our actions. Try Googling that and good luck!

Dear HMO Accountant,

We just sit around the house all day. We don't see well or hear well. Our joints hurt. We're tired all the time. And none of our kids have offered to help us out around the house. In fact, they don't call or visit us at all anymore. We did what you suggested from the last time we contacted you. We got some exercise equipment, but unfortunately we can't read the directions because the print is so small. And we eat lots of oatmeal like you told us to, but sometimes we forget and leave the stove burner on and so there have been a couple of small fires. And we tried to cheer up like you suggested – that fact you told us about how it takes more muscles to frown than to smile was really interesting! But nothing helps. We're still tired and our joints still hurt and we still can't hear anything. What should we do?

Sincerely, Mom and Dad in Miami.

P.S. Will you be able to get home for mom's birthday?

Dear Mom and Dad in Miami,

It's really important for the elderly to continue with their walks and workouts (even if they can't see where they are going) or they will end up using way more than their share of our precious health resources. And if that happens, we have to raise the rates on all the seniors, even the ones who don't see doctors anymore either because they don't have the money to or they forgot where their doctor's office is. So please stay in shape and stay healthy. Which I am really tired of telling you. And I'm sorry I can't make mom's birthday. But I will be needed in Washington, where politicians are trying to gain popularity by attacking us. They want to take our business away from us, if you can believe that. If that happens, I'd have to move in with you guys and no one wants that less than I do. So, good luck! And happy birthday, mom!! And have you thought about not using the stove and just using the microwave? Maybe there would be less fires.

Dear HMO Accountant,

I called my health plan the other day just to ask a simple question and was put on hold for an hour listening to Celine Dion music! I got to the point where I thought I might kill myself if I had to be on hold any longer. When someone finally came on, I accidentally - in anger, but I think with justification - uttered a profanity. So they hung up on me. They stopped taking my calls. And then they terminated me! I was so desperate I bought a plane ticket and flew all the way to my insurance company's headquarters where some insurance honcho told to wait in the waiting room while they looked up my records. The music they pipe into the waiting room is Celine Dion! So, just as I was about to go postal (can a person go “insurance-al”, cause I almost did! - the insurance guy comes back out and says that I was terminated because I didn't list everything on my application that was wrong with me. As far as I know, there's nothing wrong with me. Except now I'm so anxious and stressed that I can't go to work and my wife thinks I am insane and is thinking about leaving me. Help me, please! Shouldn't I be able to get my insurance back?

Sincerely, Freaked out in Florida

Dear Freaked out in Florida,

I was able to find your application and the reason you were terminated was that you are getting older and you didn't specifically state that on your application. Having said that, I'm sure you will understand that we are trying to conduct a business here. Growing older is a pre-existing condition that must be stated clearly on your application. And before you say that's ridiculous, believe me we know it's ridiculous. But then, again, maybe not! We can't insure every single person in the whole world, can we? We couldn't stay in business if we did that. We had to figure out some way to turn down people and dump others. That way, we stay in business and help a few people, which is better than going out of business and helping no one at all! We do this by using a very complicated mathematical random quantitative forumula thingie which is too complicated to explain here. So now you have every reason to take care of your health because we certainly can't do it for you.

PS. I just wanted you to know that I made a few calls and we will be changing our hold and waiting room music to Kenny G. So know that all of your anxiety has turned into something good. Say hello to your wife! And good luck!

What if everyone were like our current Democratic leaders?

2010-01-21T12:54:00.000-06:00

It's easy to imagine what would happen.

Life and commerce in big cities would come to a standstill, because drivers would stop at green lights everywhere and motion the drivers stopped for the red light to go through. “Go on through. I don't want to slow you down!” they'd shout. “We'll all get along better this way!”

And can you imagine what reality shows would be like? Dullsville. Everyone would be nice. They'd share food and help each other in the competitions and wouldn't say nasty things about other competitors. “No reason we have to be that way,“ these new contestants would say. “We can all win! And have lots of fun, too! Let's just get along here!”

And juries would have to acquit all defendants. How could a jury member who is like Harry Reid believe that anyone could do anything as horrible as whatever the defendant was charged with? And, of course, if someone did happen to do something as heinous as whatever it was they were charged with, everyone would believe that they have learned their lesson. So why punish them further? “Let's get along here! To judge and punish them is to look backwards, not forwards.”

That would mean prosecutors wouldn't have much to do, either. But they wouldn't want to do much, if they were like Harry Reid, because they just would be totally unable to believe that anyone would lie to them. “Why would anyone lie to me? We're just trying to get along here and help each other build a better life for everyone!” is what they would say. So after asking their suspect a few questions about some double homicide or a bank robbery or embezzlement and listening to the suspect say over and over, “I don't know anything about that!” they'd let them go.

Lots of other things would change, too. News shows would be filled with even more stories about miracle weight-loss treatments. Major league pitchers would make sure every batter they faced got a good pitch to hit – “We'll get along so much better if we all hit the ball hard and far!” Bosses would give everyone raises. Meteorologists would never predict rain or hail or even cold weather. And scientists would side with food companies and chemical corporations and say it's all good for you, eat what you want, no reason to be moderate in anything.

All in all, it would be a good life. Even the Republicans would be fun to talk to, except, of course, they'd still be insane.

Our holiday letter to all (six of) our fans

2009-12-02T10:52:00.000-06:00

Hello, friends, family and everyone else out there. What a hectic year! “No rest for the wicked” as they say. Right from the start of the year we were busy. On New Year’s Day Bill lost a finger in a ham slicing incident. And he's always thinking of others first -- that's why I love him. All the way to the ER he worried about his bowling team -- could they win without him? Well, he just went on and on until finally he went into shock and passed out. The good news: The doctors reattached his finger. The bad news: He is still rolling a lot of gutter balls.

In March, an addition to our family -- a dog. I know I’ve talked about this in other years, but this year we did it. A big frisky mutt! It just runs around and barks and eats and barks and sleeps and barks some more. Bill says it barks in its sleep, too, and one night when it was making noises in our bedroom, Bill tried to push it down to the basement. Well, it didn’t like that and before you knew it, it had Bill on his back and its jaws around Bill’s neck. So the dog still sleeps in the bedroom and Bill wears ear plugs. Bill also doesn’t go near the dog when it’s eating.

A low point of the year: Our car blew up in Nebraska. We were visiting friends over the Fourth of July and the men were shooting bottle rockets out of beer bottles. Well, one went a little astray and flew under our sport utility vehicle. I don’t know what it hit under there, but it had to be the biggest fireworks in Nebraska that weekend. It was a sad moment -- Bill really loved to tailgate hybrids on the freeway and flash his lights at them -- but the kids were really impressed. They wanted to see another car blow up. Bill still chuckles about that, but I can see in his eyes that he misses that car.

In August we began seeing a marital counselor. We’ve had some money and sexual issues for several years now, and I’ve been trying to get Bill to do this. Finally he did and you would all be proud of the way he opened up. He talked at length about a young secretary at work he “dated” a few times. I suspected as much, but I thought it was with Tina down the street. She always looked a little too hard at Bill. I enjoyed this at first because it made me feel good that others were interested in Bill and his middle-aged plumpiness, but then I grew to dislike it. All in all, I’d say the marital counseling helped. We still have money and sexual issues, but I feel better. I don’t know about Bill, though. He hasn’t said much about this since.

Both Bill, Jr., and Lisa are in high school this year and it is very trying for us. They are into liberal politics and veganism and they got their noses pierced and then volunteered to work at a food shelf. School is going well: Their teachers say they get along well with other kids and that they have very good handwriting. But we really aren’t sure what to do about having liberals and vegans in the family. Don't you have to eat meat to be big and strong? I don't know. I just hope they will outgrow all this and start drinking beer and wearing baseball caps backwards like we used to -- and we turned out fine. Nothing wrong with a little normalcy, I always say!

And Thanksgiving was an exciting holiday in our household. Bill cut another finger off in another ham slicing incident. We were very lucky this time that it wasn’t his bowling hand, because the dog was right there ready to grab anything landing on the floor. I swear, it looked like it inhaled that finger before it was even halfway to the floor! Bill was very upset, of course, but there wasn’t much we could do. We just hopped in the car and drove to the ER. He, of course, now thinks its a hound from hell, but I still love it. And I couldn’t get a word in edgewise, so I was just glad when he went into shock and shut up. Whoever first said silence is golden is a true poet.

Our Christmas tree is up. No accidents to report -- it was a very normal family event. We went to the tree lot, bought a tree and brought it home. Bill is always very good at sawing the stump even so the tree stands straight. Even with his hand still in a big bandage, he got the job done and now the tree is up and decorated. Bill, Jr., and Lisa sit around it with us and sometimes even talk to us. Yesterday, they asked for advice about sex! It’s been such a long time since I’ve been on a date that I had nothing to say. So I made Bill say a few words since he was “dating” that young secretary recently.

In other news, the dog seems to get along with Bill, Sr., much better since it ate his finger -- it even obeys him occasionally. It’s almost as if it knows Bill is going to have another accident and wants to be there for it.

So after this difficult year, we are one happy family now. There truly seems to be some magic at work during this holiday season.

Happy Holidays, everyone. We’ll send you another report next year!

Dump Bernanke

2009-12-01T09:00:00.001-06:00

Check out this exchange between Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke and Rep. Alan Grayson (D-FL) about unaccounted-for loans the Fed made:

GRAYSON: So who got the money?

BERNANKE: Financial institutions in Europe and other countries.

GRAYSON: Which ones?

BERNANKE: I don't know.

GRAYSON: Half-a-trillion dollars and you don't know who got the money?

In total, over a trillion dollars are unaccounted for. Reps. Grayson and Ron Paul (R-TX) propose an audit of the Federal Reserve, but Bernanke opposes it.

Hearings to confirm Bernanke to another four-year term are this week. If that offends you, go here to sign a petition to deny him another term.

America's biggest victim of the year

2009-11-21T11:42:00.000-06:00

Screw that hogwash about getting up early and working hard to get ahead. Scrimping. Saving. Teaching your kids to be honest and upright and live moderately. Screw all that. Here's the truth: the early bird doesn't get the worm. And if you think about it, who wants to get up early and get a worm anyway? You're a sucker if you do. Life's tough, and eating worms just isn't much of a reward, so you might as well sleep late. Get a little satisfaction and pleasure before you have to get to your crappy job, anyway.
Especially these days. Do bankers get up early and eat worms? Not unless they are cooked at the French Laundry or are prepared personally by Mario and cost about $200 for a plate of three worms imported fresh from the steaming volcanic soils of Asia. Then they'll eat them. Plus, they'll love them even more because the rest of us can't afford them. Otherwise, hell no, they're not going to eat worms. The early bird gets the worm? It's a nice saying that might have helped build America, but it's kind of an unfortunate expression today.
These days, if you want to get ahead and be rich, famous and powerful, be a victim. That's the way to go. That's the route to riches. Palin's a victim. Prejean's a victim. McCain's a victim. So's Fox News. And let's not forget the whole Republican party and anyone who waits in line at a Palin book signing. So are bankers and everyone making big bucks on Wall Street. They are victims because we don't like them, want to slap regulations on banks, want to take their bonuses away and tax the crap out of them. We want to tax their country club memberships, take away their corporate jets and make them fly coach. We want to tax their estates when they die so their kids don't get anything. Poor victimized bankers.
America loves its victims. Victims get ahead because America is a nation of victims. We are all victims here in America. America itself is a victim. We suffered the tragedy of 9/11. We were just sitting here driving our SUVs three blocks to McDonalds for breakfast or watching Fox News, minding our own business, when out of the blue, we're attacked. Damn terrorists! What'd we ever do to them? Nothing! Then we take the fight over there so we don't have to fight them over here in our streets and the world hates us. We didn't do anything. We're the victims here, not the terrorists.
The question now is: who, in a country of victims, is America's biggest victim? Health insurance companies? Lou Dobbs? Carrie Prejean? It's a good question. Here are some suggestions and explanations for their choice. If you have others, send them in.

John McCain. Lost the presidency because ACORN thugs stuffed the ballots and robbed him. And then Sarah Palin went rogue and didn't do what she was told and made him look stupid. And George Bush ruined the economy for him, not to mention Bush ruining America's love of war. Whoever would've thought America would stop loving war? There we were in two glorious wars and McCain is a red-blooded real American warrior itching to be commander-in-chief, and Bush ruined it for him. He made America dislike war!!! Can you believe it? Liberal hippy war protesters have been trying to do that for 40 years and couldn't. Bush did it in, like, six. Only a hugely powerful incompetence could accomplish that. Which makes the argument for McCain being America's biggest victim very meaty.

Sarah Palin. Bloggers say the nastiest things about her. So do reporters. And liberals. And pundits. And Democrats. And Katie Couric. And Charlie Gibson. And anyone who hasn't shot and field-dressed a moose has probably said bad things about her. And how can anyone stay in office with all those bad things being said? Can't. They made her quit being governor. When God told her He wanted her to go to Washington and put prayer back in schools and abortionists in prison, He didn't tell her it would be so difficult on her and her family. It's all in her book. Buy it and weep for her. (And if you don't buy it, you're victimizing her!) Fortunately, now that she's on a book tour, she doesn't have to talk to Couric or Gibson or folks like that. Just friendly Fox people. And, by the way, what's wrong with asking Iowa Republicans for $100,000 or so to show up there to give speeches to Republicans? Why are they victimizing her? Just because no Republican has done it before doesn't mean it's not a good idea. It's Iowa, for God's sake. Have you ever been to Iowa? If you have, you'll know why she wants $100,000 to go there.

Carrie Prejean. How dare anyone say anything about her sex tapes and topless photographs and breast jobs and walking around in a bikini on stage? Don't those people have lives? They shouldn't be prying into hers. And who is Perez Hilton and why is someone like that even allowed to be in the same room with her? Or on the same planet as her? It's just not right that someone like him could destroy her beauty career just when she's in the prime of her beauty and everyone wants to see her in a bikini. If God didn't want people to look at her in a bikini, God wouldn't have created bikinis. And why did Donald Trump fire her? Who's he to criticize her? Just being in the same room with his hair made one of her breasts sag! It was all just too much! And now they want her to pay for her fake breasts! What's the world coming to when a good Christian beauty queen is made such fun of?

And the Republican Party. They don't get to pray in schools, and secular humanist atheist liberals want to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance and off all our coins and soon everyone will get damned to Hell, even good Republicans, who didn't do anything but work hard and get good jobs in their dads' banks and take money from poor undeserving sinners so that it could be put it to good hard work in the banker's portfolios and their children's education funds. And prayer is gone from the public square. That's why we're all going to hell and it's the liberals' fault. But God's a Republican, so He will understand. He won't send us to Hell, once we explain it to him. And Bush wasn't so hot, either. He was never a real Republican, not like Palin or tea baggers. Bush let us down. We'll tell God and God'll send Bush to Hell for that!

Goldman Sachs and the one-man one-boat principle

2009-11-10T09:12:00.003-06:00

Here's a little known historical fact that makes it easier to understand how Goldman Sachs scored 200 doses of H1N1 vaccine: Goldman Sachs execs traveling on the Titanic got the first 10 lifeboats off the ship. And not just seats; each exec got one lifeboat all to himself. One man, one boat: the founding principle of our Wall Street democracy. Even back then they were special, probably because even then they were doing God's work.

But when a ship like the Titanic sinks, sending lots of commoners to a cold and watery grave, you don't want a story about your leaders abandoning a ship like rats. You have to come up with something. So the Goldman Sachs PR department went into its full damage control mode, and they were awfully good at this, even in those early days of PR. Back then, PR departments were new and the public had no idea people might lie to them about these things. But he Goldman Sachs PR department, well, they knew they had to get ahead of this story and stay there. Even for decades, if necessary.

So as soon as rumors started spreading that 10 executives survived the sinking of the Titanic because they had their own private lifeboats, the PR pros went into seclusion to resolve this. They worked long hours, long into the night, arguing back and forth about what to do to preserve the good name of Goldman Sachs. But they couldn't come up with anything. Too many people lost lives, and the public was viewing it as a great tragedy. Then out of the blue, when they were about to give up and go look for other careers, it came to them: Blame the Titanic.

It was brilliant,and at the time only the Goldman Sachs PR department could conceive of an idea like this. Blame the Titanic and its builders. They didn't build a strong enough ship. They cut corners. They were smug and arrogant. They shouldn't have been going so fast through fields of icebergs. Plus, there weren't enough lifeboats on the ship. And the captain was kind of craven; was he looking for a promotion? A book deal? The adulation of men and women everywhere? Blame the ship. Who could ever argue that? The ship was miles below the surface, as was any evidence that might prove the Goldman PR department wrong.

And that wasn't all. They also would weave stories of brave men who gave up their seats on lifeboats so women and children could survive. And the crowning glory of this PR effort: a brave orchestra that continued to play, even as the ocean swirled around their feet and legs. Again, who could argue that this never happened? A bunch of women and children in lifeboats who were cold and grieving for their husbands, fathers and brothers and so weren't very reliable witnesses? It was the perfect touch for this noble story: Musicians playing to the end, providing a heavenly sound on this hellish night.

As we now know, the public loved these stories. They wanted more, and they bought books and newspapers and everything else that provided these stories. When movies became popular, they flocked to movies about the Titanic, because it confirmed their belief in the dignity of mankind. We could face death, even a fearfully cold death with courage and grace.

Shoved aside, as was foreseen by the Goldman Sachs PR department, was the fact that 10 Goldman Sachs executives got private lifeboats off the Titanic. The execs even left behind their wives (all Goldman execs back then were men) and children. Most of these families, of course, survived by getting on lifeboats later. But when they told their story of being left behind by their husbands and fathers, no one believed them. Again: they were women who had suffered horribly and so were not reliable witnesses. They didn't have good PR people working for them. The other story was too good, proving, as it did once again, how noble and advanced we were, how god-like we had become.

Plus, we lived in the same country that Wall Street was on.

That's the true history of this epochal event. This is the first time this story has been made public,and we have it here only because a mysterious envelope was delivered to us. Whether it is true or not, we don't know. We believe it is, because, after all, we are talking about Goldman Sachs.

The Basement Church of The Perpetual Loons

2009-11-04T13:25:00.004-06:00

We are planning our own health care reform and are seeking motivated partners/investors to join us in our venture. We are in the process of establishing the first ever Basement Church of the Perpetual Loons and are seeking others to develop franchises all across the nation.

This promises to be a great and lucrative opportunity for those willing to jump in and take a chance. Are you one of these? Are you willing to take a chance and establish The Basement Church of the Perpetual Loons in your basement?

Because of the health care reform proposals currently working through Congress, churches may soon be partners in the healing arts. They may even be considered providers, which means their agents will be eligible for reimbursement for providing prayers to heal the sick and infirm. We have Senator Orrin Hatch to thank for this reform, and to honor him we are making him the patron saint of our church. We also plan to be known henceforth as Orrininnies. Praise be to Brother Orrin!

But we must move quickly and forthrightly. Established churches already have the infrastructure in place, so they are way ahead of us and might get some of the biggest reimbursement checks. That is why we Orrininnies plan to begin treatments quickly. We must prove that we too are established and have plenty of infrastructure and prayer-structure in place.

Our first prayer clinic just opened this morning right here in our basement. And our first prayer was for a brother's conception: “Dear Saint Orrin, please empower this husband's seed to burst through any and all obstacles, both natural and supernatural, so that one seed may make it home and impregnate this woman and bring her happiness and contentment in her natural state. Keep her fertile and desirous in the eyes of her husband so that he hurries home to fill her with seed every day. And keep him powerful and potent so that she never turns his needs down. Amen.”

We believe that with prayers like that, a prayer-practitioner easily could receive up to $100 from insurance companies each time that particular prayer is delivered. We are working on many other healing prayers as well, and we have a number of architects and designers working on designs that will fit into any basement space, even one with a rec room, pool table and bar. With our designs, these and other assorted furnishings easily become part of the basement church.

This can all be yours very quickly. We estimate that a person of average intelligence can have their basement church and prayer practice up and running in a little over a week. With our designs, it takes only a few days to change your rec room into a prayer and rec room, and no more than five days of study to become a qualified prayer-practitioner. Within two weeks of signing up, you can start healing your friends. Insurance company reimbursements will soon flood your mail box!

And to make sure there are no problems with scientists and ACLU types, we plan to write all prayers scientifically so they will have the strongest impact possible. They will be tested against control groups that receive non-tested prayers delivered by non-qualified prayer-practitioners. There will be blind studies and control groups to satisfy all those atheist nitpickers out there. We will then follow up on those we treated to determine exactly what prayer provided the best survivability index. So you, as a franchisee of The Basement Church of the Perpetual Loons, can guarantee your clients immediate results and charge insurance companies top dollar!

We believe that prayer care is in everyone's interests these days. It keeps costs low, because we don't have to charge as much as medical practitioners. We don't have years of expensive training. Our overhead is much lower as well, because our clinic is right in our basement. We also don't have to worry about washing our hands, so we don't have to buy as much soap.

It all leads to lower costs, which means cost savings across the board, which is what everyone wants, especially the insurance companies. We see this as leading to a time when insurance companies will no longer have to kick people off their insurance rolls. Instead, they will send their old sick clients to us for care, and we will take care of them, probably for as little as $250 or $300 a pop.

This is health care reform we can all support.

So please contact us if you are interested in joining our national chain of Basement Churches of the Perpetual Loons. For one small investment, you can make up to $50,000 a week without ever leaving the comfort of your basement. That's $50,000 a week!

Get me rewrite! Making the Bible more conservative

2009-10-12T10:07:00.000-05:00

The Bible isn't conservative enough. Not only is it not conservative enough, the main reason it isn't is because liberals wrote it. And as you know, liberals have no morals or decency and exist only to destroy all that is good and decent.

This is, however, being corrected. The folks at conservapedia.com are now rewriting the Bible. They plan to bring back the purity and goodness that was supposed to be in it, and would have been, except that the liberals and atheists of yesteryear ruined it. This is going to be a huge effort and will take years.

We here at Last Laugh plan to keep you informed of all the major developments in this effort. Our first post here of the following memo was dropped off on our front doorstep by persons unknown. The memo is only a first draft, a working draft, so things will certainly change and some of the ideas mentioned will be discarded. But it will give you an idea of the scope of this project and what the final effort will look like. We promise to post more of these as we come across them.

MEMO

From: Brother L.

To: Conservative Bible Project Working Group

In re: Initial thoughts and ideas – FOR YOUR EYES ONLY!!!

TOP SECRET! Do not leave notes or other papers around your workplace or home! Return by hand delivery. Do not trust the mails or any package delivery service. Especially do not E-mail!! This is top secret. For your eyes only!!

My initial thoughts about purging liberalism from The Holy Bible follow. I need feedback and input.

Page one: The phrase “day of rest.” Too “union-y”? Sure, God created everything in six days and then the seventh was His day of rest. But doesn't this phrase encourage workers to unionize so they can push for extra vacation, days off, bathroom breaks, longer lunches, etc. Too much idle time only weakens the moral fiber of mankind and leads to perversion, right?

My suggestion: take it out. God can still look out over His creation and do a few things to keep Himself occupied. I mean, He's God. He can do anything. He can rest but who says He needs a whole day to get a good rest! He can get a day's rest in a minute if he wants to - He's God, after all. Maybe that's the way to go: “He rested for a minute.” It's like a coffee break. A coffee break isn't as “union-y” and it won't lead to moral lapses. Thoughts?

Also page one: OK, God created man in His image. That's written clearly, so there is no doubt that God is a man. So why do some people say that God is a woman? How about putting this in bold face! With a couple of exclamation marks: God created man in his image!!! Doesn't that get your attention? We could even try a bigger font size. Or a different color font maybe?

Also page one: It says God made man and gave him dominion over the animals. Now, I'm not a language expert, but if you have dominion over something, don't you need some way to maintain that dominion? Otherwise the animals won't take you seriously. E.g., I wouldn't have dominion over lions and tigers without a weapon. So shouldn't our Bible mention the tools/weapons needed to maintain dominion? I see the hand of liberals in this. I bet there were bleeding-heart do-gooders back then who saw something about “dominion over animals” and “tools” and started screaming about animal rights and how we should all be vegans. “Tools” is good but vague, so let's be specific and mention guns. Something like: “Man has dominion over animals and the better of a shot thou art, the more dominion thou shalt have!” Guns would be a good addition here for our Bible and wouldn't it be fun to cite Biblical verses that mention guns?

Page two: The “tree of knowledge” is a great phrase. But it doesn't go anywhere. We are not supposed to eat of the tree of knowledge, and many of us don't. But the question is, where does this ban on eating “of the tree of knowledge” leave professors and the teachers' unions? I think we need to expand this section so it's obvious that God meant professors and teachers' unions are not good things and should be shunned by all good people. Keep your kids away from them, too.

Also page two: One last point and then I have to leave and go to Bible class. Eve ate the apple and then the Bible says they sewed fig leaves together and made “aprons” and wore them. I'm sure that's not right. Men do not wear aprons. They never have. They wear pants. I am positive this apron thing is part of the homosexual “put a homo in every home” agenda that somehow made it into the Bible thousands of years ago. We have to take this out. They didn't even have aprons back then. Women didn't wear aprons – they just wore whatever they had on when they cooked. Am I right?

That's all I have time for now. Let me know what you think. This is a great project we are working on. I know the world will thank us when we are finished. And remember: don't let anyone else see this. They'll just use it to destroy us.

A Hunter's Journal

2009-10-05T15:59:00.000-05:00

Deer hunting season comes but once a year and provides real Americans with the chance to get in touch with their inner hunter-gatherers and bond with those souls everywhere who respond to the call of the wild. Those of us on the liberal fringes of society never experience this, because so many of us are vegans or PETA members or anti-gun or too bookish. Whatever it is, there is a huge chasm separating us. So we provide here a hunter's diary that we believe will bridge this gap by showing how the pursuit of deer with guns has shaped America and made American men the most independent and strong in the world. We liberals should learn much from this so that we, too, can be strong and independent.

It’s cold, it’s wet, and I can’t feel my toes. God, I love hunting. . . . Hope I don’t fall out of my deer stand again this year.

It’s the fresh air, the call of the wild, the guys, the guns, the bad jokes, peeing outdoors. I even like the planning. Where do we stay? Who’s buying the food? The booze? Who will cook and clean up? Women aren’t there to help with these things. Men have to do it all, and that’s what hunting is all about – strong, independent men bonding so the species survives for another generation.

I’m in my deer stand. Nothing can see me. Not any deer. Not any hunters. But bullets whiz by. What are they shooting at? I don’t see anyone, anything. Is there a deer out there? Wait a second . . . is that a deer? I shoot. I listen . . . I hear a moo. . . .

Wow, my feet are cold. Too bad about Joe. I miss him this year. Maybe he’ll be walking without pain next year. I bet Joe could have climbed up into the stand this year. I think he didn’t want to. I miss him. I miss just sitting here with our guns and cold feet. Maybe a little whiskey. Listening to the bullets whiz by. . .

Lunch time! Finally! Warm up my feet and fingers. Nothing like a couple burgers and fries. Comfort food. Whoa - hit the deck! Who’s shooting at this cabin? God, they hit the TV - damn, I wanted to watch some porn tonight. Wonder what they’re shooting at out there.

Back in my stand, still really cold. I see something move - I shoot. What is it? Dunno, but I probably missed. I’m such a bad shot!

Damn, if I don’t get something this year, I’ll never hear the end of it. Not after falling out of my stand last year and pulling Joe down with me. It really wasn’t my fault. Joe brought the whiskey up there and I was just standing up to piss over the edge when a couple of bullets whizzed by awfully close to me. They surprised me - anyone could have lost their balance. So I grabbed Joe.

Anyway, I don’t think the fall is what really hurt Joe so it’s not really my fault. I think that stray bullet that came out of nowhere and hit him in the leg while we were driving to the hospital is why his leg still hurts today. Can you imagine that? Driving down a county road and a bullet hits a passenger in the leg. A big black SUV doesn’t look anything like a deer . . . What are hunters thinking?

I’m feeling my toes again. That’s a good sign - it means I'm really alive! It's not like sitting in the office, falling asleep . . . Wait . . . I see something moving over there. I aim, squeeze the trigger slowly. Then a second shot. Did I hit it? Probably not. Damn! I thought for sure this was my year to get a dear, not a cow like last year. I tell you, if you shoot a cow and then fall out of your blind and break your friend’s leg - well, guys being guys, they won’t let you forget. I’ve heard jokes for a year.

Dinnertime. No one got a deer. Got a few shots off but no one is sure at what. But so what? What is important is that we are men. We are bonding, we are renewed, we are in touch with all the men of generations past who, like us, did what they had to do to ensure the species survived. And on our own, without women . . .

We’re eating steaks and drinking good whiskey. Another day has passed and the species has survived. But too bad about the TV. Plus our truck took a few bullets - one rear window is out and a couple holes in the side panel - nothing major, though.

But next year . . . we have to start planning . . . where should we go . . . where is the best hunting?

Health care reform FAQS

2009-10-01T11:47:00.001-05:00

It's hard to keep up with all the issues and facts in the Health Care Reform debates. Will reform kill Granny? Am I going to die while waiting for an MRI the way they do in Canada and Britain? Will we end up a socialist atheist society where soda and potato chips are taxed to pay for Obamacare? And what about those White House deals with PHARMA? Will the pharmaceutical industry go bankrupt and will we all die if we don't PHARMA everything they demand?

These are difficult questions and to be honest, it's all just driving us crazy. So, for those who wish to remain SANE until our representative form of government works its magic, here are the answers to everything you need to know about health care reform.

Why do our insurance companies hate us? Do they really want us to die?
Because there are too many of you and too many people leads to massive traffic jams. And that means that successful Americans like health insurance CEOs can't drive really really fast. It's that simple. Too many people is the problem. So our health insurance industry is working on that. (But don't worry, they don't want you to die. At least not yet. There is still money to collect from all of you.)

It seems that insurance companies giving all that money to our elected representatives is wasteful. Wouldn't it be cheaper for the insurance companies simply to give us that money, sort of a payment not to get sick or make claims? Most of us would be as glad to be bought off as our elected representatives are.
One of the little pleasures insurance folks get in life is denying claims. (Don't knock it until you've tried it!) Would you deny them that? That's probably another reason they hate you. (See above FAQ). You keep them from driving fast. You jam up golf courses because there are so many of you and then you play really slowly because you're a crappy golfer! You smell. You want to tax the rich just like in communist countries. You don't dress well. And now you want to deny them the joys of denying claims. And to bribe you – and you offer nothing in return!

It seemed like such a simple thing. Fix health care so people don't go broke paying insurance premiums to companies that deny claims and are getting richer and richer as a result. What's so complicated?
Fairness. The fairer something is, the more complicated it is. You don't want your neighbor to pay less than you do and get more, do you? Especially if that neighbor is on welfare or doesn't work as hard as you or is not as white as you or something like that, do you? So making sure that those freeloaders don't get what they don't deserve takes time. Which means Congress has to take lots of time. And time is money. So Congress will get lots more money from insurance companies to make sure everything is fair. So yes, it is complicated, but it's also really simple. You pay insurance companies as much as you can, and they pay your elected representatives to allow them to charge you more. They get richer and richer and somehow everyone gets health insurance. And the French and Canadians can keep their systems!

How long will it take?
Months and months and months more.

Once reform is passed, will my insurance plan listen to my doctor more and let me follow his or her recommendations?
You got to be kidding. The whole point of reform is to get all those loose cannons like doctors out of the system. We don't know why doctors are respected so much, because they are really nothing but a bunch of do-gooders who just lucked into a well-paying job. It's not like they're health plan executives who work hard to figure out new ways to deny claims and make money! And doctors, like do-gooders everywhere, are really naïve and simple-minded. Just because a doctor says a woman needs a mammogram every year doesn't make it so. So don't plan on getting a mammogram every year. And colonoscopies? People did fine without them for hundreds, even thousands of years. Doctors have to be reined in. Who died and put them in charge?

What will be covered after health care reform is signed into law?
Health care reform will primarily cover our bottom line. If we are going to survive these hard times so that future generations of insurance executives can go to work and deny claims and make huge profits, we all have to be tough today. Think of the future. American Indians always considered how their actions would impact the next seven generations, so we will too. In fact, right now, our accountants are going over these issues with your elected representatives at various golf courses and resorts around the world. We will know soon what you can expect. And, of course, as soon as we know, you will know.

But is that really reform? How can you have reform without a public option?
We are calling it reform, so it is reform by definition. That's why it's taking so long. Reform doesn't happen overnight – no important reform ever has. And as far as the public option goes, well, don't get your hopes up. Instead, think about this: DEATH PANELS! KILL GRANNY!! SOCIALISM! That sort of summarizes the public option.

The long and incredibly sordid history of ACORN (according to Glenn Beck)

2009-09-21T13:46:00.002-05:00

1928: Association of Communist Organizations forms to raise funds for the new international labor organization REVOLUTION NOW! The two organizations are committed to building camps worldwide where communists and union thugs will be secretly trained to defeat capitalism. George Soros's grandfather is seen smoking dope and consorting with prostitutes at a camp built high in Mexico's Sierre Madre mountains where vacationing capitalists are kidnapped, held for ransom and regularly flogged by campers.
1935: REVOLUTION NOW! is dismantled and its members are hired by the newly formed United Auto Workers. Applicants were told by ACO to lie on their applications just so they would be comfortable lying. This ability to lie became the trademark of ACO as it slowly evolved into ACORN.
1938: ACO leaders travel to Cuba to meet with youth leaders at ACO camp in Cuba. Fidel Castro is one of youth leaders at the meeting. He impresses ACO leaders with his vows to make Cuba a workers' paradise and a capitalists' hell. He is rewarded with a grant to purchase weapons and maps of Cuba, a grant that got all its funds from America taxpayers through FDR's Big Government socialistic economic policies.
1944: Bill Ayers is born in Illinois, where Hussein Obama would later settle.
1947: After being investigated for treason ACO changes its name to Association of Corporate Oligarchs and is awarded several grants from small town Better Business Bureaus who think the communist front is a legitimate business organization. When the BBBs are told by fledgling writer Ayn Rand that the new ACO is really a communist front duping heroic but simple businessmen all across the world, the BBBs sue ACO but ACO declares bankruptcy before judgment and gets away without paying a penny.
1948: ACO changes its name to Association of Community Orders and opens offices in run-down sections of many large cities. J. Edgar Hoover orders FBI investigations of the leaders, all of whom then head to Cuba and hide in mountain caves with Fidel Castro, whose revolution to take over Cuba is now actually being planned. ACO leaders are seen plotting the overthrow with him and developing techniques that could be used to overthrow America.
1949: Bill Ayers starts grade school. Also, Obama's Kenyan father attends a mosque where Communists are sometimes seen.
1951: ACO leaders return to the states and hide out in their vast network of training camps where they preach giving America over to the communists by increasing taxes and making companies pay so-called “living wages.”
1961: Bay of Pigs invasion is planned and executed. Castro wins battle because ACO-trained leaders had infiltrated JFK's top tier of advisors. Once these Manchurian Candidates know the specific invasion plans, they contact their friend Castro and tell him when and where forces will attack. ACO also gives Castro another large grant to buy weapons and maps of Cuba. Hussein Obama will later become a “leadership trainer” with ACORN.
1971: ACO becomes ACORN. Bill Ayers is seen drinking champagne in a city where ACORN opens a new office.
1977: President Carter halts all federal investigations into ACORN because ACORN registered hundreds of thousands of fake voters who voted for him and without whose votes he would just be another struggling old peanut farmer.
1987: Glenn Beck's grandfather is beaten up by union thugs hired by George Soros because Beck was going to expose ACORN's voter registration fraud. Although seriously hurt he lives long enough to write down the list of treasonous acts perpetrated by ACORN over the years. This list is passed on to Glenn Beck, who vows to fight for justice and truth, even if he also gets beaten up by union thugs hired by George Soros.
1994: ACORN gets a $28 billion grant from federal government to register dead voters in inner city slums who will all vote for Democrats. The grant is stamped “TOP SECRET” and so is never seen by the public. To celebrate, ACORN hires prostitutes and buys lots of alcohol and holds big parties for clients. Hussein Obama is ACORN's lawyer and Bill Ayers is seen drinking champagne in what is believed to be the same room Obama was in a day earlier.
1995: Hussein Obama wins a case for ACORN involving voter registration in Illinois!
1999: Some say ACORN created fake documents about George Bush's military service that were later proven false and led to the end of Dan Rather's career. The loss of Rather is the only known mistake the formidable Communist-front organization ever made.
2003: ACORN is believed to have sneaked Saddam Hussein's WMDs out of Iraq and into caves in Castro's Cuba, single-handedly destroying the Bush presidency.
2005: ACORN gets $17 billion grant from federal government to register more poor people to vote. Again, the grant is “TOP SECRET.” Several reporters learn of this and obtain a video of the fraud, but the videos disappear, as do the reporters.
2007: ACORN gets another$131 billion, also marked “TOP SECRET.” Glenn Beck reports this story and then is confronted by a mob of angry union thugs but he stands up to them and they flee.
2009: Beck again tells story of ACORN fraud and its abuse of federal funds to benefit Democrats. National media fail to pick it up but then have to when Glenn Beck pushes the story relentlessly.

Tim Pawlenty Primer

2009-09-15T12:07:00.008-05:00

Tim Pawlenty is running for president. Watch Tim run. Run, Tim, run. Run run run.

He is Republican governor of Minnesota. What do Republican governors do? Fight Democrats. Watch Tim fight all the Democrats in Minnesota. Over anything. Fight, Tim, fight. Just say no, Tim. No no no.

Minnesotans know Tim. He's been governor for two terms. Now the state budget is in worse shape than ever. Many think Tim is mediocre and incompetent. But they live in big cities and are liberals who don't go to a good church like he does. Tim doesn't like them. They don't do what Tim wants and don't let Tim do what he wants. Which is to cut taxes and make the budget even worse. Watch Tim starve cities and schools. Starve them, Tim, starve them.

Tim won't raise taxes. Except sometimes. Then he calls it a fee. Fees have gone way up during Tim's rule. Watch fees go up. Up up up.

Property taxes are way up, too. Class size in schools is way up, too. Tim holds money back that schools are supposed to get because, well, because the state has budget problems and stealing from schools is easy when you're a Republican governor. Why should kids get free education? No Republican supports that. Kids should pay to learn. Charge the kids, Tim, charge them.

After two terms of Pawlenty, Minnesota is facing an “economic tsunami.” A big wave is coming, and Tim wants to be somewhere else when it hits. That's why he's quitting and running for president. Go, Tim, go. Faster faster faster. Please please please.

He'll be long gone by the time the tsunami hits. Run, Tim, run. Run run run.

When not destroying the state budget, Tim protects families from that which would destroy them. He loves families, at least the ones with children and a mommy and a daddy. Homosexuals will destroy those families because that's one of the first things on the homosexual agenda: destroy traditional values. So Tim wants to destroy those not-traditional families pre-emptively. Watch Tim destroy them. He'll take away their rights. Right, Tim, right.

Now real Americans are getting to know Tim. He's on TV all the time. That's what presidential candidates do. Even when they have a job in Minnesota. They leave their job and go on TV. They give speeches and go to conferences and shake everyone's hands. Watch Tim on TV. Watch watch watch.

Watch Tim say that Obama will kill granny. Maybe Obama will give her organs to illegal aliens who will get free transplants and get to see the doctor first while real Americans wait in line under Obamacare and die while waiting. Watch Tim on TV. Speak, Tim, speak. Speak speak speak.

Oops. He says maybe he was wrong. Maybe granny can keep her organs and won't be put to death on Obamacare. But maybe she will be; it might happen in 10 years or so. It's hard to tell because we're moving so fast and who understands these bills anyway? Not real Americans. Tim's a lawyer and knows these things. But Tim's also a real American, so Tim is having a hard time understanding the bill because it's written by liberals and other not-real Americans. Watch Tim backtrack. Backtrack, Tim, backtrack. Faster faster faster.

Tim doesn't like government. Republicans never do. Why is he governor? Why does he want to be president? Who knows. Government is bad. Tim is good. He's running for president. Watch Tim run. Run Tim run.

Ask Your Health Plan lobbyist

2009-09-09T13:46:00.010-05:00

And you thought you couldn't afford a lobbyist! Or good health insurance!

How wrong you were. Now, because of the great work that Your Health Plan lobbyist and his colleagues have done, you can get the very best coverage Your Health Plan can afford, and without the nuisance of lines, embarrassing questions, pokes or prods. Just ask Your Health Plan lobbyist! And get your answers right away! What does that pain in your stomach mean? Do you really need a second opinion? Should you buy the expensive drug your have been using - or will two aspirin and a good night's rest do just as well?

Your Health Plan is offering you this one-time offer today only for just $250 a month. Your Health Plan lobbyist will be there for you 24/7 and you won't have to leave your house, find a parking spot, wait in a doctor's office (like a Canadian!), or have to answer embarrassing questions about weight, drinking habits, sexual activities, and who knows what else.

Plus you'll get your questions answered and a clear-cut, no-nonsense plan of action that will get you healthy again and keep Your Health Plan healthy for decades so it will always be there when you need it!

As an added bonus, say you saw this offer here on this website and get a free invitation to Your Health Plan lobbyist's next fundraiser for your favorite local elected officials!

Sign up today and keep your health care costs from bankrupting Your Health Plan.

The following is an example of the excellent medical advice you can get when you have your own personal health plan lobbyist working for you instead of against you.

Dear Health Plan lobbyist:

I'm so thankful for a medical plan I can afford that also won't ruin our great country and lead to socialism, communism, fascism and Nazism. Thank you for your efforts at keeping our country great! But here's my problem: I can't straighten my leg out. My knee is really big, too. And a funny color. And my dog won't come over when I call it, probably because my knee smells really bad.

Thanks for any help you can give me. And keep up your good work on keeping America great and competitive!

Sincerely, Aching in Arkansas

Dear Aching in Arkansas,

Glad you contacted me when you did. If you'd waited another day (which you would have had to if you were French, British or Canadian) you'd be beyond help. But we can deal with this easily. You probably have an infection and will need a few dozen leeches and maybe some maggots. These may sound disgusting but they are actually all better than drugs because they are organic, natural, sustainable and easy to find. So I would suggest you head up north to a cold lake where there are lots of leeches occurring naturally and stand in the water for a while. The leeches will come to you and suck out the poisons. The maggots will then finish the job.

Best of all, this won't cost Your Health Plan any money, so we will be there the next time you need us. Meanwhile, if you need any help, feel free to call on my cell. I'll be out on the golf course with your local elected officials, helping to explain to them these new and ageless and extremely effective medical treatments. Good luck!!

Dear Health Plan lobbyist:

I paid my $250 each month for five years and you cashed all the checks. But now for some reason you ended my coverage just when I needed it for major heart surgery. I don't get it. I answered everything fully and honestly. And now I have these terrible headaches from all this stress of dealing with you guys. Thanks. For nothing!!

Sincerely, PO'd in Phoenix

Dear PO'd in Phoenix,

Sorry for your travails, but you have to be honest and you didn't tell us you bought wart remover 33 years ago. (We checked up on that through your credit records.) See, our problem is that if you had a wart, which we assume you did, you didn't tell us and warts lead to lots of other problems and costs, so that's fraud on your part. That needs to be taken seriously. Right now I'm partying with 53 elected officials and their staff members and I asked them about it and they all agree with me. And, no, you won't get your money back. (That's in the fine print.)

Good luck!

Dear Health Plan lobbyist:

OK. I did what you suggested and now have leeches on both legs and feet. When can I get out of the water? I'd like to right now. A thunderstorm is moving this way and I see lots of lightning striking the ground, coming right at me. I'm very scared and want t

Dear Aching in Arkansas,

I assume it's you. Well, there wasn't a lot we could do in your case that would be cost effective anyway, so maybe it's better you went fast. Ultimately, that helps the common good. Too bad all patients aren't as helpful as you. As you know, your making the ultimate sacrifice early in your treatment saves us money and keeps our plan available for many others in dire need. And we did it all without the use of those godless government Death Panels.

Good luck wherever you are. We will send the final bill for our services to your estate.

If that's the kind of health care that appeals to you, sign up today! It's cheap, it's not fascist, and it will keep our health insurance industry healthy for generations! Sign up today and you could be getting this great health care tomorrow. Sign up now and it's only $250 a month!

Beat the death panels! or: The Granny Survivalist Guide

2009-08-31T11:05:00.001-05:00

They are doing heroic work fighting the granny-killing death panels over at savegranny.com, keepyoursocialisthandsoffmygranny.com, grannygetsagun.org among others. It's too early to say if granny killers been defeated, but everyone can be confident that granny is safer today than she was two weeks ago.

But the problem is: can you trust a man who is afraid to show you his birth certificate? If someone asked to see mine, I'd show it. I'm proud of it. I was born in America and I'm not afraid to let folks now. In fact, I plan to tape a copy to my front door so everyone can see it.

Will he do the same on the front door of the White House?

We can't relax yet. That's why all those fine folk at those God-fearing, abortionist-hating, patriotic websites listed above have a Plan B, just in case the death panels get life breathed into them: products, programs, guidelines and exercises you and granny can do to help her beat the death panels.

We've listed some of the ones we like here. To us, these are heart-warming examples of what made America great: real Americans coming together against those liberal atheist baby-killing unreal Americans and beating the living daylights out of them. And, you know, it's inspiring, too. And isn't it just great fun? I'd forgotten how much I enjoy it!

1. Granny's A Warrior! From the folks at savegranny.com comes this program based on the Navy SEAL program that so successfully taught our commandos to withstand brutal torture at the hands of jihadists. And don't think Granny standing in front of a Death Panel won't be torture! They'll make her stand there for hours without shoes or her orthopedic inserts. They might also turn the air conditioner way up, so she'll be cold and tired. It's all set up so they can say she's no longer of much value and can be put down like an old horse and then shipped to the flue factory. But this Granny's A Warrior program will give her the upper hand. So much so that by the time the Death Panel is done with her, they'll be voting to kill themselves!

2. Granny's Guns Talk! How about a little gun rack that will fit on any wheelchair, walker, cane or neck brace? Have Granny appear before that Death Panel with an assault rifle bigger than she is! Those freedom-hating liberals will wet their pants and run back to their Ivory Towers!

3. Grannies Who Cook! Except now it's more than meat and potatoes. Keepyoursocialisthandsoffmygranny.com will send Granny lots of easy recipes to bring to the Death Panel, including some that require her to shop at her local medical marijuana shop. Give one of those treats to the Death Panels and they won't where they are. Plus they won't remember much about Granny, so she'll be safe at least until the Death Panels call for her again!

4. Surrogates For Granny. Hire a surrogate. We do this to make babies, why not to save Grannies? In this program, an elderly woman will study every detail about granny and go before the death panel in her place. The surrogate is fit, smart, sassy, tireless and charismatic, everything your Granny might not be. But the Death Panel won't know that. And while some people have problems with the morality of surrogacy, when it's to save Granny, it's OK. From Keepgrannyalive.net.

Jon Voight’s new movie fights the good fight

2009-08-24T11:57:00.003-05:00

Can the universe be saved? Can America and Christians everywhere be kept from falling under the influence of secular humanists, liberals and all those unreal Americans from big cities and other planets?

Or will a few strong-willed, rugged men — all of whom have great hair, deep voices, and children who love them, by the way — somehow snap the hold these fake Americans have on us?

Those are the themes in this new, still untitled, Jon Voight sci-fi romance thriller. In it, Col. Chuck Williams, played by Voight, is retired and doing what he loves most — trying to convince his neighbors to keep guns around in case a band of “those unreal American, socialist, public-option, atheist, ACORN lovers come to town someday to register poor people to vote!”

“They look like us,” he continually warns anyone in earshot. “They drive cars like ours, listen to music like ours. They read our books, eat in our restaurants, date our women. They are starting to dress like us, too! You probably had some in your homes without realizing it. You might even be emailing or Twittering some of them.”

He looks very sad as he tells his neighbors these things.
It reminds him of the other great failure in his life; his gun giveaway program. They give away condoms in school, he told everyone who would listen. Why don’t we give away guns, too? Then our youth will be ready for whatever these socialist atheist Obama-loving unreal Americans have in mind.

But he could not convince others of the truth of his messages. His neighbors continued to allow secular humanists and ACORN organizers into their homes, where they often discussed loudly, late into the night, things like unions, boycotts, organic foods, and global warming — even in front of children! “It’s part of the master plan,” he realized. “They are going after the young kids, whose minds are not yet strong like mine. When I and those like me die, those youth will be the puppets of the socialists who want government to ration health care and kill our grannies!”

A love interest appears in his life unexpectedly one day when he is digging a bunker somewhere in the middle of his gated community. Far from the inner city, far away from any bus lines carrying low-paid workers to their jobs, a twenty-something blonde wanders in and sits down next to his gas grill. She is near death and isn’t sure how she got there. She thinks she was kidnapped by an ACORN worker from outer space, who transported her to their space ship where they gave her a physical exam and showed her how to use condoms and then gave her a copy of Saul Alinsky's “Rules for Radicals.”

Then they released her and she found her way to Col. Chuck, where she discovered her pockets were full of free condoms and “that Alinsky book”, as Col Chuck calls it. She is traumatized and wants to help him, so she asks what she can do to help save America. He says, “Just don’t tempt me. I can’t be carnal.”

And so begins an intense, but platonic relationship that ends when she decides she does not want to learn how to shoot a gun or even carry a gun to a town hall meeting organized by public-option advocates.

Almost too late, the truth of his message soon becomes apparent. In scattered hot spots around the world, people begin to burn their health insurance cards. They hold sit-ins in the golf courses all over the world that are favored by health insurance CEOs. They also speak loudly against the right of health insurance companies to charge whatever they want. It's becoming bedlam in many areas of the country, but Col. Chuck Williams knows what to do before this great country becomes a formerly great country paralyzed by socialism, atheism, liberalism, ACORNism, and unreal Americanism.

He teams up with a popular talk show host named Sean, both of whom have great hair. That means they are good leaders, because lots of real Americans think anyone with good hair genes probably have lots of other good genes, too. So together Sean and Col Chuck form a movement and an army and fight the good fight against the secular humanists, atheists, liberals, gun control advocates and all those unreal Americans from another planet who all live in big cities because they are afraid of the freedom of the wide open spaces of the American West. It's a long battle that goes on for several days, but they end up fighting to a draw, after which they retreat to their respective encampments.

They didn't win, but “we didn't lose,” Col. Chuck tells everyone. “So that's a victory.”
But then Col. Chuck goes on to greater glory. He finds that his hair and his voice talent bring him great attention, and he becomes the leader of gun lover’s and and tea baggers and real Americans everywhere. They so love him that they want him to become president of the nation. Or Sean. Sean could be president, too. Their team is deep, they now realize, so they know they can take on the unreal Americans from outer space who think it's OK if President Obama isn't a citizen and wants to give our country to ACORN.

Men follow him and women are drawn to him. They want to love him, to help him, but he knows it will be a long, difficult fight. So he still refuses to become carnal. Carnalism will weaken his message, he says, and blur his focus so that he might lose sight of the real enemy of America: the usurper Obama who wants to create Civil War and destroy real Americans so aliens from outer space and other countries can take over and take jobs from everyone. And raise taxes. Not to mention kill granny.

He can't let that happen.

So he stays awake nights, always wary, with his trusty gun within reach, certain that someone will try to slip some Viagra into his drinking water, causing uncontrollable urges that would lead to carnalism and then besmirch his good name and destroy him. “It is truly dangerous out there,” he thinks to himself.

But for now he is contented. He is waiting. Soon, it will all be his for the taking.

Stay tuned for the sequel.

KILL GRANNY INC

2009-08-12T11:25:00.006-05:00

Sooner or later every family has to face it: Granny's going downhill.

It starts with little things. Maybe she thinks Jimmy Carter is president. Or maybe she sends $50 every week to Jim and Tammy Baker. Or maybe she just passes a lot of gas at family dinners and continues putt-putting as she leaves the room.

Whatever it is, if it is happening in your family, you know what it means: time to call Kill Granny Inc.

We are the only company licensed by all the better health insurance companies in the country. Unlike the government end-of-life plan, you don't have to talk to us. We don't send faceless and nameless government bureaucrats to your house unannounced to take Granny away.

But if you need Kill Granny Inc, we'll be right over. We'll come out to your house, meet with you and Granny, and explain what we can do for you to put your minds at rest.

It's all done in an adult and responsible fashion.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is make that first phone call. But do it. And if you call us today, we'll throw in a talk about what we can do for Grampa at no extra charge. We are approved by health insurance plans nationwide, because we save them money.

Best of all: if Granny has a good supplemental health insurance plan, it will pay for it. So help your Granny now, before her plan cancels her and refuses to pay for anything, including our services!

The Birther Manifesto

2009-08-11T11:07:00.002-05:00

We the undersigned real red blooded Americans so love our country that we will refuse to pay taxes until it's more to our liking, which means more like it was and was always meant to be. Some of us were lucky enough to have lived in it then but some of us are too young and only hear the great stories of those times, when men worked hard and drank beer made in America and women stayed home and America was for Americans and white wine wasn't invented. We want that back.

But if our simple protest doesn't change things, we will hold our breath until patriot reporters from Fox News come over to us and ask us important questions about these important issues.

We are few in number, but many in importance. That is our strength and why we will win these battles. We wish for a return to the common sense of the US Constitution, which keeps government out of our homes and lets us keep our own money unless we choose to give it to our church instead of an abortionist, which is what made our country great. For over 200 years this common sense was heralded to the world as the best way to live. But then, amendments were made that went against common sense, so we also support unamending those, only once the birth issue is settled, in our favor, for all time.

And while we haven't yet decided on what we will work to unamend, we will look at those issues which took us from our greatness, which was about 60 or 70 years ago. Included unamendments will be the vote for certain people, taxes that don't pay for defense, any gun limits and the rights of atheists, which is an abomination and is nowhere mentioned in the US Constitution.

In addition, we will prove that Hawaii is not a state but actually an island. While we enjoy Hawaii as much as anyone else, those of us who have been blessed with common sense know that there is a big difference between a state and an island. This has not reported in the liberal treasonous media, where it is reported that islands have always been states, for instance Rhode Island. But a close look at a map shows us that Rhode Island is not an island, although part of it is. It is also connected to the rest of the country by land, which Hawaii isn't.

Then we will prove once and for all that the president's birth certificate is a phony. This will prove to everyone the rightness of our quest and the basic treasonability of he who has duped everyone into believing he can be president when we need someone who does not have a name that sounds like our enemies.

So we now call on Americans everywhere to wake up and take back the country that is the greatest of all time. Only in America can anyone grow up to be president, even ones who lie and cheat to become president, but that is only temporary because we are on the case.

In addition, we also believe we should also explore the so-called theories that the world is round. Many of us have pointed out that from where we sit it is not round at all but very flat. But these pointy-headed atheist college professors who we pay with our taxes but not for much longer say it's not flat.

We ask this: who died and left them in charge?

Oh, and that thing about men walking on the moon 40 years ago? Yeah, right. We weren't born yesterday.

Were you? Join us!

The secret diaries of a Miss World contestant

2008-12-19T10:14:00.003-06:00

Should we as a species be embarrassed if Miss World gets a little chubby? While watching the recent Miss World Scholarship Pageant, it seems obvious we should. In the interest of helping all our readers with this important question, we came across this diary and now publish it. The diarist will remain anonymous.

Dear Diary
My hips grow an inch if I just walk by an ice cream parlor!! Really!! The judges laughed when I mentioned this at our swim suit competition rehearsal this morning. But the other girls knew what I was talking about. After rehearsal five of us went out and had lunch. The waiter seemed mad because we only had water. To make him feel better, I ordered a wedge of lime.

Dear Diary
The girls are all so nice! This is truly the experience of a lifetime. But I am at such a disadvantage!! I, after all, grew up in the Midwest, eating beef until I was 11. I’m sure that’s why girls from Third World countries do so well year after year. Beef must be awfully expensive in some of those countries!! So they get to eat healthy foods like rice and carrots—that gives those girls an edge. I think when I get my communications degree I will do a story on that. If mothers out there want their girls to win beauty pageants, they really should not feed them beef in their formative years.

Dear Diary,
Celebrities stop by to watch our rehearsals. Today Mr. and Mrs. ____ came by. They are so beautiful! And so thin for people their age; they must be at least 30! They walked by me and I got so nervous that I threw up the carrot I had for dinner last night. The other girls all think he is right when he says a beauty queen should stay thin for her whole reign. It’s like a contract she makes with the public everywhere. “If I buy a Mercedes,” Mr. ____ said at one point last night, “is it fair if they deliver a Volkswagen to me?” Not only is he really thin for someone his age, but he’s smart, too!

Dear Diary,
I practiced answering questions with some of the other girls. We make them up and ask one of the others and she has to answer it seriously. It tests your poise and intelligence. I was asked, “If you could do any man’s job, what would you choose?” And I said, “I would want to be in charge of airline safety, because my mother is afraid to fly and could not be here tonight because of her fear. And if I were in charge of airline safety, I could promise her a safe trip here or anywhere else in the world. I owe my mother that!” And I was so excited I wanted to throw up the ice cube I had chewed on earlier, but I didn’t, because there was a line of girls at the bathroom who were all very excited, too.

Dear Diary,
I didn’t do very well, but I made great friends. Friends I will know for life. After the pageant we were talking about how difficult it is to do what we do and how the world just does not really understand. And one girl, very discouraged, said she would never have plastic surgery again. It hurt so much, she said, and the disappointment now hurts even more. But I told her—because she is now my very best friend—that if what we do gives just one of the hundreds of millions of people in our international viewing audience a glimmer of hope, then we should do it. Again and again!!!! Somewhere someone’s life will surely be better for our efforts here tonight. I really believe that!!! (I got so excited from this thought that I threw up my breath mint.) I think I will do a story on that when I get my communications degree!!!

STUMP THE HMO ACCOUNTANT

2008-07-02T13:04:00.007-05:00

Ask a question that stumps the HMO Accountant and win an all-expense paid trip to the ER of your choice!*

Dear HMO Accountant: Why do you let people die, when you could easily pay for treatment that would keep them living for many years and make many people happy as a result? Sincerely, Mourning in Memphis

Dear Mourning in Memphis: We have the greatest health care system in the world and in order to keep it at such an optimum level, some have to suffer. They have to “throw themselves on the grenade,” as it were. We realize that not everyone is cut out to be a hero. So part of our job as health insurance industry is to help people become heroes. They must die so others don't have to. Because of their sacrifices, this, the greatest health care system in the universe, will still be there when others need it. Thanks for your question. Good luck. And stay healthy!

Dear HMO Accountant: My doctor says I think too much. He says if I didn't think so much, I wouldn't get sick. I'm thinking about war, the price of gas, Lindsay Lohan's sad family life, airline executives not getting their big bonus checks, and all these other things. I think about these things, then I get sick. Is there a 12-step program for people like me? Sincerely, Thoughtful in Toledo

Dear Thoughtful in Toledo: I used to think too much, too. Then I got cable TV. Now I can watch Lucy or Hawaii 5-0 or CSI or Walker Texas Ranger any hour of the day. As a result I'm happy, healthy, and proud of my work that helps keep our health care system the best in the cosmos. You could do that, too. And then you wouldn't be sick so much and we wouldn't have to turn down all your requests for payment.

Dear HMO Accountant: Thank you so much for all your work to resolve the crisis in health care costs. I want to do my part, too. I recently was promoted at work to the position of assistant to the assistant manager of a major national convenience store chain. I don't make enough money now to buy my own health insurance policy, but I hope to someday. In the meantime, my job is very stressful and as a result I am having chest pains that won't go away and that seem to be getting worse. Should I go to the ER? Or should I wait a few days and see if the pains go away? Sincerely, Barb in the Bronx.

Dear Barb in the Bronx,
Thank you for your support of our efforts to bring a rationality to the health care debate. Speaking of rationality, have you ever wondered why the world “ration” appears in the word “rational”? It's because to be rational is to ration. Another way of looking at this is: to “ration” health care is to provide “rational” health care. Dictionaries everywhere support me here. So it would be rational of you to hold off on going to the ER. Wait a few days. Then, if you really do have a problem, they will know it as soon as you get to the ER and they won't waste any time or money with expensive tests that you would just have to pay for anyway since you don't have health insurance. Good luck! Stay healthy! By the way, it is too bad you didn't stump me here, because I would have gladly paid for your trip to the ER. You're the kind of client we in the health insurance industry will fight over!

Dear Health Plan Accountant: I just learned that some companies are moving to Canada because they don't have to pay as much for health insurance up there. Is that true? If it is, maybe we should change things down here so we can keep our industries here. I get a headache just thinking about this. Sincerely, Angry in Akron.

Dear Angry in Akron: Our health care system is expensive for a reason: Because it is second to no one's. Personally, I don't think it is expensive enough. Look at it this way. If everyone drove a Cadillac, driving one wouldn't be so special. But if most people are driving rusty, dented cars that don't always start, well, that Cadillac is pretty special. SO, no, we don't want Canada's system here. If we did, having good health insurance wouldn't be so special. So take two aspirin for that headache and get plenty of rest. Good luck! And Stay healthy!

Dear Health Plan Accountant: Our knees hurt, our backs hurt, our digestion is bad and we itch. We just sit around all day complaining and now we can't afford glasses or prescription drugs. Medicare is no help, and now the HMO dumped us. What can we do? Sincerely, Mom and Dad

Dear Mom and Dad: Ah, the golden years. How wonderful for you two to have lived a long fulfilling life and now you are rewarded with these Golden Years. Personally, I can't wait until I get to retire. But as you know, I play an important role in our great country, and because of that can't get away, even for a little vacation to come and see you. But I'll send you a small check. That should help you out. I don't want to give you too much – you know the old saying: give a man a fish and he eats today but teach him out to fish and he eats a lot more. Or something like that. So I don't want to take from you your independence, but I'll send a little money along to you to help you out. It's the least I can do. Good luck! And stay healthy!!!

*(Subject to pre-approval. Plans to visit ER must be submitted six weeks in advance. Offer not valid on holidays or Saturdays. Normal limitations for pre-existing conditions apply. Not transferable. Not valid with other offers/coupons/discounts. Expires two weeks from issuance. By using this offer, holder promises not to sue anyone associated with ER or “Stump the HMO Accountant.”)

Kartoon Kountry: The Magic of her Cleavage

2007-10-25T10:49:00.000-05:00

The never-ending campaign for Fearless Leader of Kartoon Kountry was well underway when it became obvious that the serious candidates could no longer avoid talking about her. That meant, of course, that they would have to name her, which brought much fear to them, because they all believed in the Magical Power of Her Cleavage. It was said that any man who gazed upon her cleavage while saying her name aloud would see his beloved penis shrivel up and fall off, hitting the ground with a sickening thud.

So the powers of the Kartoon Party that is the GOP decided that the first times the GOP debated her, she would not be present. And it turned out even better than they expected. All the candidates attacked her successfully, they proved their manliness throughout the debate, and none of their penises shriveled up and fell off.

What follows are quotations as remembered by a writer who, because of a sadly misspent younger adulthood, can’t vouch for their accuracy. If they are not accurate, they are pretty close. And if they are not pretty close, they could be wildly inaccurate. But that should not keep anyone from taking them as truthful. Just repeat them often enough and sooner or later they will become true.

So the candidates started out their debate by establishing their bona fides:

I am a true Republican. I hate gays. Tort reform is good. Trial lawyers suck. Gays destroy marriage and also suck. Trial lawyers destroy businesses. Democrats are stupid. I LOVE RONALD REAGAN!!! I want to be fearless leader so I can bomb Iran.

I LOVE RONALD REAGAN MORE THAN YOU!!! And I would bomb Iran before you would.

Then, to prove Democrats are stupid and ignorant and don’t know anything, a couple of Fearless Leader wannabes said:

Ted Kennedy is fat.

The audience swooned when they heard that, which was the best bona fide of all, and so the debate was underway. Again, the following is a brief look at the evening, as viewed by someone who may or may not be called to account for grossness, inaccuracies, unprofessionalism, bad hair, or any number of other horrible things.

So they came out swinging:

Fox News good. CBS Bad. CNN Sucky! Fox News is news for Patriots. IT’S NOT LIBERAL!!

(Audience applauds and cheers.)

We hate gays at Fox. Gays are destroying our families! WE ARE PATRIOTS!! We love NAASCAR and football. We hate Dan Rather, Michael Moore, Canadian-style healthcare and soccer.

Oh – and France sucks, too.

Important issues to our party: Ronald Reagan. El Salvador. FREEDOM!! And golfing with rich white guys who pick up the tab and give our children high paying jobs.

Then her name came up (and as prayed for, no one’s manliness shriveled up and fell off).

HILLARY CARE!!!.

(Audience gasps in fear and listens for the tell-tale thump of little things hitting the stage floor but heard nothing.)

Canadian Health Care System has long lines. (Audience Applauds.) Our Health care system is the best in the world. Always was. Always will be. (Audience goes wild!!!)

Baby Boomers. EVIL BABY BOOMERS. Hippies. Social Security. Old Hippies. Wait until those Old Hippies get the drug benefit. FREE DRUGS!!! They will bankrupt Medicare and Social Security. Baby Boomers evil. 1960s!!! (Audience screams with delight!!)

Michael Moore. HILLARY!! Hollywood. Best damned health care in the world. Can’t get better health care anywhere. This is America. THE HOMELAND!! We made health care great. BEST IN THE WORLD!!!

HILLARY!! I can beat her! SOCIALIZED MEDICINE!! She has never run a corner store. Never met a payroll!! Commander-in-chief Hillary! (Audience screams in alarm!) She’ll come after your guns! Tax you into the grave! She will destroy our great health care system. Must stop her. How? Must stop her!!! (My penis is still there. What a relief. Thank you, Jesus!)

WOODSTOCK! SEX! DRUGS!!! Hillary wants money for Woodstock Memorial! Hippies are back! They want drugs! They’re everywhere!! Remember the 1960s!! Remember Woodstock! Vietnam POW! TIED UP! Didn’t get to Woodstock!!! Hates Woodstock. Hates drugs. Hates Hillary.

Islamofascistterroristtourism. They will follow us home and kill us all. Bomb Iran. Bomb Syria. Bomb Vermont, too, just to be safe! And, why not Canada!!!! (Audience screams in delight!!) Bomb Canada! Vermont!!!!

Prez. Hillary. Tax increases! She will take your guns! (Audience boos.) Socialized medicine. DID YOU KNOW SHE’S A WOMAN!!!! (Audience screams in fear!!)

The world is scary! Be afraid! I’m strong. Ronald Reagan strong. Hillary not strong. She’s a woman! BE VERY SCARED!!! SHE HAS NO PENIS!!!

More troops! Attack! More tanks. Missiles. Missiles good. Putin bad. BUT HILLARY!!! EVIL!!!

Ronald Reagan. (Audience applauds.) Ronald Reagan!! (Audience cheers.) RONALD REAGAN!!

It ended and they all walked off, each with the continued glory of his own manliness. It was a successful debate, for each now knew that he could take on Hillary, state her name, and not have his manliness shrivel up like a raisin and fall off. They had passed this test. There would be more to come, but now they were ready for her.