Our holiday letter to all (six of) our fans

Hello, friends, family and everyone else out there. What a hectic year! “No rest for the wicked” as they say. Right from the start of the year we were busy. On New Year’s Day Bill lost a finger in a ham slicing incident. And he's always thinking of others first -- that's why I love him. All the way to the ER he worried about his bowling team -- could they win without him? Well, he just went on and on until finally he went into shock and passed out. The good news: The doctors reattached his finger. The bad news: He is still rolling a lot of gutter balls.

In March, an addition to our family -- a dog. I know I’ve talked about this in other years, but this year we did it. A big frisky mutt! It just runs around and barks and eats and barks and sleeps and barks some more. Bill says it barks in its sleep, too, and one night when it was making noises in our bedroom, Bill tried to push it down to the basement. Well, it didn’t like that and before you knew it, it had Bill on his back and its jaws around Bill’s neck. So the dog still sleeps in the bedroom and Bill wears ear plugs. Bill also doesn’t go near the dog when it’s eating.

A low point of the year: Our car blew up in Nebraska. We were visiting friends over the Fourth of July and the men were shooting bottle rockets out of beer bottles. Well, one went a little astray and flew under our sport utility vehicle. I don’t know what it hit under there, but it had to be the biggest fireworks in Nebraska that weekend. It was a sad moment -- Bill really loved to tailgate hybrids on the freeway and flash his lights at them -- but the kids were really impressed. They wanted to see another car blow up. Bill still chuckles about that, but I can see in his eyes that he misses that car.

In August we began seeing a marital counselor. We’ve had some money and sexual issues for several years now, and I’ve been trying to get Bill to do this. Finally he did and you would all be proud of the way he opened up. He talked at length about a young secretary at work he “dated” a few times. I suspected as much, but I thought it was with Tina down the street. She always looked a little too hard at Bill. I enjoyed this at first because it made me feel good that others were interested in Bill and his middle-aged plumpiness, but then I grew to dislike it. All in all, I’d say the marital counseling helped. We still have money and sexual issues, but I feel better. I don’t know about Bill, though. He hasn’t said much about this since.

Both Bill, Jr., and Lisa are in high school this year and it is very trying for us. They are into liberal politics and veganism and they got their noses pierced and then volunteered to work at a food shelf. School is going well: Their teachers say they get along well with other kids and that they have very good handwriting. But we really aren’t sure what to do about having liberals and vegans in the family. Don't you have to eat meat to be big and strong? I don't know. I just hope they will outgrow all this and start drinking beer and wearing baseball caps backwards like we used to -- and we turned out fine. Nothing wrong with a little normalcy, I always say!

And Thanksgiving was an exciting holiday in our household. Bill cut another finger off in another ham slicing incident. We were very lucky this time that it wasn’t his bowling hand, because the dog was right there ready to grab anything landing on the floor. I swear, it looked like it inhaled that finger before it was even halfway to the floor! Bill was very upset, of course, but there wasn’t much we could do. We just hopped in the car and drove to the ER. He, of course, now thinks its a hound from hell, but I still love it. And I couldn’t get a word in edgewise, so I was just glad when he went into shock and shut up. Whoever first said silence is golden is a true poet.

Our Christmas tree is up. No accidents to report -- it was a very normal family event. We went to the tree lot, bought a tree and brought it home. Bill is always very good at sawing the stump even so the tree stands straight. Even with his hand still in a big bandage, he got the job done and now the tree is up and decorated. Bill, Jr., and Lisa sit around it with us and sometimes even talk to us. Yesterday, they asked for advice about sex! It’s been such a long time since I’ve been on a date that I had nothing to say. So I made Bill say a few words since he was “dating” that young secretary recently.

In other news, the dog seems to get along with Bill, Sr., much better since it ate his finger -- it even obeys him occasionally. It’s almost as if it knows Bill is going to have another accident and wants to be there for it.

So after this difficult year, we are one happy family now. There truly seems to be some magic at work during this holiday season.

Happy Holidays, everyone. We’ll send you another report next year!

Dump Bernanke

Check out this exchange between Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke and Rep. Alan Grayson (D-FL) about unaccounted-for loans the Fed made:

GRAYSON: So who got the money?

BERNANKE: Financial institutions in Europe and other countries.

GRAYSON: Which ones?

BERNANKE: I don't know.

GRAYSON: Half-a-trillion dollars and you don't know who got the money?

In total, over a trillion dollars are unaccounted for. Reps. Grayson and Ron Paul (R-TX) propose an audit of the Federal Reserve, but Bernanke opposes it.

Hearings to confirm Bernanke to another four-year term are this week. If that offends you, go here to sign a petition to deny him another term.

America's biggest victim of the year

Screw that hogwash about getting up early and working hard to get ahead. Scrimping. Saving. Teaching your kids to be honest and upright and live moderately. Screw all that. Here's the truth: the early bird doesn't get the worm. And if you think about it, who wants to get up early and get a worm anyway? You're a sucker if you do. Life's tough, and eating worms just isn't much of a reward, so you might as well sleep late. Get a little satisfaction and pleasure before you have to get to your crappy job, anyway.
Especially these days. Do bankers get up early and eat worms? Not unless they are cooked at the French Laundry or are prepared personally by Mario and cost about $200 for a plate of three worms imported fresh from the steaming volcanic soils of Asia. Then they'll eat them. Plus, they'll love them even more because the rest of us can't afford them. Otherwise, hell no, they're not going to eat worms. The early bird gets the worm? It's a nice saying that might have helped build America, but it's kind of an unfortunate expression today.
These days, if you want to get ahead and be rich, famous and powerful, be a victim. That's the way to go. That's the route to riches. Palin's a victim. Prejean's a victim. McCain's a victim. So's Fox News. And let's not forget the whole Republican party and anyone who waits in line at a Palin book signing. So are bankers and everyone making big bucks on Wall Street. They are victims because we don't like them, want to slap regulations on banks, want to take their bonuses away and tax the crap out of them. We want to tax their country club memberships, take away their corporate jets and make them fly coach. We want to tax their estates when they die so their kids don't get anything. Poor victimized bankers.
America loves its victims. Victims get ahead because America is a nation of victims. We are all victims here in America. America itself is a victim. We suffered the tragedy of 9/11. We were just sitting here driving our SUVs three blocks to McDonalds for breakfast or watching Fox News, minding our own business, when out of the blue, we're attacked. Damn terrorists! What'd we ever do to them? Nothing! Then we take the fight over there so we don't have to fight them over here in our streets and the world hates us. We didn't do anything. We're the victims here, not the terrorists.
The question now is: who, in a country of victims, is America's biggest victim? Health insurance companies? Lou Dobbs? Carrie Prejean? It's a good question. Here are some suggestions and explanations for their choice. If you have others, send them in.

John McCain. Lost the presidency because ACORN thugs stuffed the ballots and robbed him. And then Sarah Palin went rogue and didn't do what she was told and made him look stupid. And George Bush ruined the economy for him, not to mention Bush ruining America's love of war. Whoever would've thought America would stop loving war? There we were in two glorious wars and McCain is a red-blooded real American warrior itching to be commander-in-chief, and Bush ruined it for him. He made America dislike war!!! Can you believe it? Liberal hippy war protesters have been trying to do that for 40 years and couldn't. Bush did it in, like, six. Only a hugely powerful incompetence could accomplish that. Which makes the argument for McCain being America's biggest victim very meaty.

Sarah Palin. Bloggers say the nastiest things about her. So do reporters. And liberals. And pundits. And Democrats. And Katie Couric. And Charlie Gibson. And anyone who hasn't shot and field-dressed a moose has probably said bad things about her. And how can anyone stay in office with all those bad things being said? Can't. They made her quit being governor. When God told her He wanted her to go to Washington and put prayer back in schools and abortionists in prison, He didn't tell her it would be so difficult on her and her family. It's all in her book. Buy it and weep for her. (And if you don't buy it, you're victimizing her!) Fortunately, now that she's on a book tour, she doesn't have to talk to Couric or Gibson or folks like that. Just friendly Fox people. And, by the way, what's wrong with asking Iowa Republicans for $100,000 or so to show up there to give speeches to Republicans? Why are they victimizing her? Just because no Republican has done it before doesn't mean it's not a good idea. It's Iowa, for God's sake. Have you ever been to Iowa? If you have, you'll know why she wants $100,000 to go there.

Carrie Prejean. How dare anyone say anything about her sex tapes and topless photographs and breast jobs and walking around in a bikini on stage? Don't those people have lives? They shouldn't be prying into hers. And who is Perez Hilton and why is someone like that even allowed to be in the same room with her? Or on the same planet as her? It's just not right that someone like him could destroy her beauty career just when she's in the prime of her beauty and everyone wants to see her in a bikini. If God didn't want people to look at her in a bikini, God wouldn't have created bikinis. And why did Donald Trump fire her? Who's he to criticize her? Just being in the same room with his hair made one of her breasts sag! It was all just too much! And now they want her to pay for her fake breasts! What's the world coming to when a good Christian beauty queen is made such fun of?

And the Republican Party. They don't get to pray in schools, and secular humanist atheist liberals want to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance and off all our coins and soon everyone will get damned to Hell, even good Republicans, who didn't do anything but work hard and get good jobs in their dads' banks and take money from poor undeserving sinners so that it could be put it to good hard work in the banker's portfolios and their children's education funds. And prayer is gone from the public square. That's why we're all going to hell and it's the liberals' fault. But God's a Republican, so He will understand. He won't send us to Hell, once we explain it to him. And Bush wasn't so hot, either. He was never a real Republican, not like Palin or tea baggers. Bush let us down. We'll tell God and God'll send Bush to Hell for that!

Goldman Sachs and the one-man one-boat principle

Here's a little known historical fact that makes it easier to understand how Goldman Sachs scored 200 doses of H1N1 vaccine: Goldman Sachs execs traveling on the Titanic got the first 10 lifeboats off the ship. And not just seats; each exec got one lifeboat all to himself. One man, one boat: the founding principle of our Wall Street democracy. Even back then they were special, probably because even then they were doing God's work.

But when a ship like the Titanic sinks, sending lots of commoners to a cold and watery grave, you don't want a story about your leaders abandoning a ship like rats. You have to come up with something. So the Goldman Sachs PR department went into its full damage control mode, and they were awfully good at this, even in those early days of PR. Back then, PR departments were new and the public had no idea people might lie to them about these things. But he Goldman Sachs PR department, well, they knew they had to get ahead of this story and stay there. Even for decades, if necessary.

So as soon as rumors started spreading that 10 executives survived the sinking of the Titanic because they had their own private lifeboats, the PR pros went into seclusion to resolve this. They worked long hours, long into the night, arguing back and forth about what to do to preserve the good name of Goldman Sachs. But they couldn't come up with anything. Too many people lost lives, and the public was viewing it as a great tragedy. Then out of the blue, when they were about to give up and go look for other careers, it came to them: Blame the Titanic.

It was brilliant,and at the time only the Goldman Sachs PR department could conceive of an idea like this. Blame the Titanic and its builders. They didn't build a strong enough ship. They cut corners. They were smug and arrogant. They shouldn't have been going so fast through fields of icebergs. Plus, there weren't enough lifeboats on the ship. And the captain was kind of craven; was he looking for a promotion? A book deal? The adulation of men and women everywhere? Blame the ship. Who could ever argue that? The ship was miles below the surface, as was any evidence that might prove the Goldman PR department wrong.

And that wasn't all. They also would weave stories of brave men who gave up their seats on lifeboats so women and children could survive. And the crowning glory of this PR effort: a brave orchestra that continued to play, even as the ocean swirled around their feet and legs. Again, who could argue that this never happened? A bunch of women and children in lifeboats who were cold and grieving for their husbands, fathers and brothers and so weren't very reliable witnesses? It was the perfect touch for this noble story: Musicians playing to the end, providing a heavenly sound on this hellish night.

As we now know, the public loved these stories. They wanted more, and they bought books and newspapers and everything else that provided these stories. When movies became popular, they flocked to movies about the Titanic, because it confirmed their belief in the dignity of mankind. We could face death, even a fearfully cold death with courage and grace.

Shoved aside, as was foreseen by the Goldman Sachs PR department, was the fact that 10 Goldman Sachs executives got private lifeboats off the Titanic. The execs even left behind their wives (all Goldman execs back then were men) and children. Most of these families, of course, survived by getting on lifeboats later. But when they told their story of being left behind by their husbands and fathers, no one believed them. Again: they were women who had suffered horribly and so were not reliable witnesses. They didn't have good PR people working for them. The other story was too good, proving, as it did once again, how noble and advanced we were, how god-like we had become.

Plus, we lived in the same country that Wall Street was on.

That's the true history of this epochal event. This is the first time this story has been made public,and we have it here only because a mysterious envelope was delivered to us. Whether it is true or not, we don't know. We believe it is, because, after all, we are talking about Goldman Sachs.

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The Basement Church of The Perpetual Loons

We are planning our own health care reform and are seeking motivated partners/investors to join us in our venture. We are in the process of establishing the first ever Basement Church of the Perpetual Loons and are seeking others to develop franchises all across the nation.

This promises to be a great and lucrative opportunity for those willing to jump in and take a chance. Are you one of these? Are you willing to take a chance and establish The Basement Church of the Perpetual Loons in your basement?

Because of the health care reform proposals currently working through Congress, churches may soon be partners in the healing arts. They may even be considered providers, which means their agents will be eligible for reimbursement for providing prayers to heal the sick and infirm. We have Senator Orrin Hatch to thank for this reform, and to honor him we are making him the patron saint of our church. We also plan to be known henceforth as Orrininnies. Praise be to Brother Orrin!

But we must move quickly and forthrightly. Established churches already have the infrastructure in place, so they are way ahead of us and might get some of the biggest reimbursement checks. That is why we Orrininnies plan to begin treatments quickly. We must prove that we too are established and have plenty of infrastructure and prayer-structure in place.

Our first prayer clinic just opened this morning right here in our basement. And our first prayer was for a brother's conception: “Dear Saint Orrin, please empower this husband's seed to burst through any and all obstacles, both natural and supernatural, so that one seed may make it home and impregnate this woman and bring her happiness and contentment in her natural state. Keep her fertile and desirous in the eyes of her husband so that he hurries home to fill her with seed every day. And keep him powerful and potent so that she never turns his needs down. Amen.”

We believe that with prayers like that, a prayer-practitioner easily could receive up to $100 from insurance companies each time that particular prayer is delivered. We are working on many other healing prayers as well, and we have a number of architects and designers working on designs that will fit into any basement space, even one with a rec room, pool table and bar. With our designs, these and other assorted furnishings easily become part of the basement church.

This can all be yours very quickly. We estimate that a person of average intelligence can have their basement church and prayer practice up and running in a little over a week. With our designs, it takes only a few days to change your rec room into a prayer and rec room, and no more than five days of study to become a qualified prayer-practitioner. Within two weeks of signing up, you can start healing your friends. Insurance company reimbursements will soon flood your mail box!

And to make sure there are no problems with scientists and ACLU types, we plan to write all prayers scientifically so they will have the strongest impact possible. They will be tested against control groups that receive non-tested prayers delivered by non-qualified prayer-practitioners. There will be blind studies and control groups to satisfy all those atheist nitpickers out there. We will then follow up on those we treated to determine exactly what prayer provided the best survivability index. So you, as a franchisee of The Basement Church of the Perpetual Loons, can guarantee your clients immediate results and charge insurance companies top dollar!

We believe that prayer care is in everyone's interests these days. It keeps costs low, because we don't have to charge as much as medical practitioners. We don't have years of expensive training. Our overhead is much lower as well, because our clinic is right in our basement. We also don't have to worry about washing our hands, so we don't have to buy as much soap.

It all leads to lower costs, which means cost savings across the board, which is what everyone wants, especially the insurance companies. We see this as leading to a time when insurance companies will no longer have to kick people off their insurance rolls. Instead, they will send their old sick clients to us for care, and we will take care of them, probably for as little as $250 or $300 a pop.

This is health care reform we can all support.

So please contact us if you are interested in joining our national chain of Basement Churches of the Perpetual Loons. For one small investment, you can make up to $50,000 a week without ever leaving the comfort of your basement. That's $50,000 a week!

Contact us now and start your new life as an overpaid Health Insurance CEO today!