During the 2010 Winter Olympics in Canada, you couldn't throw a broom without hitting a television channel beaming curling into every living room in the world. What was that about? Since when did pushing a disk with a handle down a sheet of ice with two guys or gals with brooms helping it along qualify as must-see TV? Never mind the questions of how it qualifies as an Olympic sport.
For people who don't know the first or last thing about curling but who watched anyway, we asked someone who would know. Sore Bender. Sore, sidelined by a curling injury and now retired, was a seasoned 30-year veteran of the curling circuit. After his final end, he was instrumental in getting the funding for the first (and only) Museum of Curling and Its History, where he is curator and occasional lecturer on the sport.
Q. Mr. Bender, we don't want to say all – but for most people curling is big mystery. Can you give a brief history of the sport? I think most people would wonder how anyone in their right mind would think a rock and a couple of brooms might mean a fun time.
A. Well, you're not far from the truth when you put it like that. He wasn't in his right mind, the guy that thought it up. Curling started in the north where the winters never ended it seemed. And there was no television and people got bored and depressed and stir-crazy and sometimes downright murderous and drunk at the same time. The first rock that led to curling was thrown in a rage, outdoors on a really cold night. One guy throwing a rock at another guy, a guy so fed up that he just picked up a rock and threw at the first guy that came along. And he felt better.
Q. You mean the guy that threw it felt better.
A. Well, yeah. The other guy who didn't. He fell down and he slid on the ice and he didn't get up. And that was that. But it started kind of a bad trend and all these crazy cooped-up men would come out of bars at closing time, grab rocks and start throwing them at each other because the first guy felt so good after he did it. And they did feel good, but they had to tone it down because too many guys weren't getting up after they got hit. And they toned it down by drawing a bullseye in the middle of a lake and started aiming at that instead and then you know when you get a bunch of guys together, there's going to be some “I throw it better than you,” or I can hit the bullseye in three tries.” And some betting. And then there were teams and the rest is history.
Q. What about the brooms? Were they used to sweep up the bodies that didn't get up?
A. Yeah, I get the joke. No. There were no brooms at first. But, see, after a game, some teams were so sore – there was a lot of drinking so that didn't help – they threw there beer bottles or whiskey bottles or what have you right at each other and there was broken glass and somebody had to sweep it up before the next game. And, course, before you knew it, someone figured out that made the ice slicker when they threw the rock – well, you take it from there. And then the sweeping helped them stay warm, too, because it was so damn cold when they were out rock-throwing.
Q. There are two schools of thought on sweeping: The “Yes, Sweeping Makes a Huge Difference” school, and the “No, Sweeping Is Stupid” school. Curlers generally fall into the first school, while everyone else in the world falls into the second. What about you?
A. I don't know. You'd look pretty stupid just walking the rock down to the bullseye and not doing anything to help it. You might as well be walking along and having a chat or a drink with your team mates.
Q. What is a skip?
A. There was a guy named Skip. Skip Rollie. Skip Rollie was the first player to make the nearly impossible Triple Strike Crossover Block Roll Switch. It scored seven points on one stone. When he did this, he and his teammates jumped up and down because they just beaten Canada for the very first time. They jumped so hard, they wen right through the ice. Everybody survived OK, except Skip, who got bad frostbite and it just went from there until he couldn't grip the stone or a broom and he just went off and died the way a dog goes off when he knows there's no use anymore.
Q. That's sad.
A. Course it was. But good things came of it. They moved curling off the lakes and into the indoors where you have bathrooms and a place to get drinks and it's a place the whole family might want to go after church on Sunday. And Skip got honored, too, because the head of every team is named after him.
Q. Does curling use coaches? Who are those middle-aged guys that come down to the curling sheet once in awhile and talk to the players? Is he talking strategy?
A. Sort of. He's someone who heads up things and gives advice. I guess you could call him the coach. Usually, he just comes down and tells us a joke or takes our drink orders. But he really doesn't know anything more than we do. He's kind of an honorary barkeep coach. A guy who can listen to your problems, pick up your spirits.
Q. I don't know anyone who knows the rules of curling. Is that because they are so difficult?
A. Well, it used to be they made them up as they went along, just to keep things relaxed since, remember, this was something to do blow off steam instead of throwing a bottle or shooting off your gun. But now there are two rules: get it down there and hit the other guy's rock while you're getting it down there. Nothing fancy.
Q. Are curlers like other athletes? Do they have to train? Is there a diet regimen?
A. No, that's how we're better than most athletes. Training is almost like cheating to a curler, almost like taking those steroid drugs. If you can't get yourself up and curl anytime, anywhere, no matter what shape you're in, there's something wrong with you. We don't take vitamins and we eat whatever we want. Most curlers like a big pot roast before a big game and they like to have a drink before they get on the ice. There's no rules about drinking during the game either. But it's not a good idea because you can get wild with the stone or your broom and, more likely than not, someone gets hurt.
Q. Have there been a lot of curling accidents?
A. Not that many. Like I said, people tend to keep their drinking to before and after the games. There are some wrist injuries from over-sweeping, or sweeping the wrong way. Mostly the injuries come from bus accidents. Bus sliding off the road on our way to a game. Bus tipping over. Bus rolling into a lake. Bus jumping lane into incoming traffic. Bus spinning out and hitting a billboard. That kind of thing. We always used to worry about our away games. Icy roads are a problem for curling teams.
Q. Are you married?
A. I was, but curling kind of got in the way. You gotta be married to curler if you're a curler. It's too hard to explain to someone who doesn't curl. She thought it was a joke. She used to hide my broom when she was mad. And you meet women on the road.
Q. You mean, like curling groupies?
A. There were some. A guy with his own broom and who knows how to use it attracts a lot of women.
Q. So, there are star curlers just like there are star football players and soccer players?
A. Why not?
Q. Now that you are retired, do you miss it?
A. The women? Nah, not that much. And I was getting clumsy. I got bifocals and those lenses - you see double – and I dropped a stone on my foot about ten years ago and it never really healed up. And, of course, when you get older, you don't like being on ice so much. You're already cold all the time. And I've got the museum to keep up.
Q. What can people see if they go to the Curling Museum?
A. Well, it's pretty small, but it's good. There's trophies and different curling rocks and brooms and their history. There are wax figures of famous curlers they might recognize. Big charts showing the important dates in curling history and descriptions of curling milestones. Like the Brawl of '37 and how that changed curling. And there are oral histories, stories told by the old-timers, that you can listen to.
Q. Well, thanks, Sore Bender. I'm just relieved I didn't make one crack about shuffleboard.
A. You're welcome. Me, too.
". . . marching proudly back to the future . . . "
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Ask the HMO Accountant
Good news, America! Health care reform is not dead!!!
The famed Group of Six, the six senators led by Sen. Baucus who delayed things so long that everyone thought nothing would be done, felt so bad about that that they came up with a plan everyone can get behind. It won't cost much or add to the deficit. Unemployed people can afford it. It's not complicated. And it will allow insurance companies to stay in business and do what they want to do: help people get well.
The plan is very simple: just Ask the HMO Accountant! It's cheap. It's effective. It's quick. And it's reform that is American, not French or Canadian or, even worse, French Canadian! Sign up today and you'll soon be asking yourself: Why didn't we think of this before?
The following shows you how it works.
Dear HMO Accountant,
I've lived a very healthy life but I can't get health insurance. The plans I called said I was a little nutty because I never drank or smoked, I exercise regularly and always go to bed early. I also eat only locally-produced organic foods. And I am slim and mentally sharp. All these plans said that means I'm just going to get depressed in a few years when I figure out that everyone dies eventually – even healthy people. Then they said that I will cost them lots of money because I have a pre-existing condition. This doesn't seem right. I've never been sick a day in my life. What kind of pre-existing condition are they talking about? Why can't a health person like me get a good insurance policy?
Sincerely, Uninsured in Utica
Dear Uninsured in Utica
You are more than a little nutty. Do you know what the essence of insurance is?Not nuttiness, that's for sure. The essence of insurance is rationality. And rationality means rationing. No one likes to use the world “ration” when discussing health care, but it's a good word. In fact, it's the root of the word “rational.” So to ration is actually very rational, which means that it makes perfect sense not to give you health insurance at this point. Maybe we can do it some day in the future, but only if we are convinced that your pre-existing condition -- that massive depression that is awaiting you if you continue being more than a little nutty – won't cost us money. Rationing now will mean lots more people can get help in the future, possibly. Including you. Call us again in a few years, and if you're still healthy and not down in the dumps, there might be enough resources left to get you covered without causing the whole system to collapse. In the meantime, relax, have a burger, watch some trashy TV, and lighten up.
Dear HMO Accountant,
I had a bad accident the other day. I was doing some post-surgical physical therapy at home because my health plan is really bad and won't pay for any rehab. So I did some research on the Internet and found a simple machine that could help me. I ordered it and put it together myself. But I'm not much of a handyman, so a heavy piece of metal fell off and hit me on the head. I went to the emergency room, but my health plan won't pay for that either. And now I hear nothing but ringing in my ears and my health plan doesn't cover ears. They say I was in essence practicing medicine without a license with my home therapy so they aren't going to pay, and that nothing warrants an emergency room visit except . . . well, they couldn't think of anything that warrants one. And ear coverage is only for really, really old people who only need to go the ear doctor one time so the doctor can tell them they are going deaf because they are old. This is nuts. What should I do? And what the hell am I paying these high rates for?
Sincerely, Ringing off in Reno
Dear Ringing Off In Reno,
We have the best health care in the history of the world, at least we think so. Occasionally, some will have to pay more, but that will help keep our system as great as it is. Isn't that a small price for you to pay? I think others will thank you someday for your sacrifice. And have you tried dropping that piece on your head again? I've read somewhere on the Internet that sometimes doing the same thing over can reverse some of the unwanted consequences of our actions. Try Googling that and good luck!
Dear HMO Accountant,
We just sit around the house all day. We don't see well or hear well. Our joints hurt. We're tired all the time. And none of our kids have offered to help us out around the house. In fact, they don't call or visit us at all anymore. We did what you suggested from the last time we contacted you. We got some exercise equipment, but unfortunately we can't read the directions because the print is so small. And we eat lots of oatmeal like you told us to, but sometimes we forget and leave the stove burner on and so there have been a couple of small fires. And we tried to cheer up like you suggested – that fact you told us about how it takes more muscles to frown than to smile was really interesting! But nothing helps. We're still tired and our joints still hurt and we still can't hear anything. What should we do?
Sincerely, Mom and Dad in Miami.
P.S. Will you be able to get home for mom's birthday?
Dear Mom and Dad in Miami,
It's really important for the elderly to continue with their walks and workouts (even if they can't see where they are going) or they will end up using way more than their share of our precious health resources. And if that happens, we have to raise the rates on all the seniors, even the ones who don't see doctors anymore either because they don't have the money to or they forgot where their doctor's office is. So please stay in shape and stay healthy. Which I am really tired of telling you. And I'm sorry I can't make mom's birthday. But I will be needed in Washington, where politicians are trying to gain popularity by attacking us. They want to take our business away from us, if you can believe that. If that happens, I'd have to move in with you guys and no one wants that less than I do. So, good luck! And happy birthday, mom!! And have you thought about not using the stove and just using the microwave? Maybe there would be less fires.
Dear HMO Accountant,
I called my health plan the other day just to ask a simple question and was put on hold for an hour listening to Celine Dion music! I got to the point where I thought I might kill myself if I had to be on hold any longer. When someone finally came on, I accidentally - in anger, but I think with justification - uttered a profanity. So they hung up on me. They stopped taking my calls. And then they terminated me! I was so desperate I bought a plane ticket and flew all the way to my insurance company's headquarters where some insurance honcho told to wait in the waiting room while they looked up my records. The music they pipe into the waiting room is Celine Dion! So, just as I was about to go postal (can a person go “insurance-al”, cause I almost did! - the insurance guy comes back out and says that I was terminated because I didn't list everything on my application that was wrong with me. As far as I know, there's nothing wrong with me. Except now I'm so anxious and stressed that I can't go to work and my wife thinks I am insane and is thinking about leaving me. Help me, please! Shouldn't I be able to get my insurance back?
Sincerely, Freaked out in Florida
Dear Freaked out in Florida,
I was able to find your application and the reason you were terminated was that you are getting older and you didn't specifically state that on your application. Having said that, I'm sure you will understand that we are trying to conduct a business here. Growing older is a pre-existing condition that must be stated clearly on your application. And before you say that's ridiculous, believe me we know it's ridiculous. But then, again, maybe not! We can't insure every single person in the whole world, can we? We couldn't stay in business if we did that. We had to figure out some way to turn down people and dump others. That way, we stay in business and help a few people, which is better than going out of business and helping no one at all! We do this by using a very complicated mathematical random quantitative forumula thingie which is too complicated to explain here. So now you have every reason to take care of your health because we certainly can't do it for you.
PS. I just wanted you to know that I made a few calls and we will be changing our hold and waiting room music to Kenny G. So know that all of your anxiety has turned into something good. Say hello to your wife! And good luck!
The famed Group of Six, the six senators led by Sen. Baucus who delayed things so long that everyone thought nothing would be done, felt so bad about that that they came up with a plan everyone can get behind. It won't cost much or add to the deficit. Unemployed people can afford it. It's not complicated. And it will allow insurance companies to stay in business and do what they want to do: help people get well.
The plan is very simple: just Ask the HMO Accountant! It's cheap. It's effective. It's quick. And it's reform that is American, not French or Canadian or, even worse, French Canadian! Sign up today and you'll soon be asking yourself: Why didn't we think of this before?
The following shows you how it works.
Dear HMO Accountant,
I've lived a very healthy life but I can't get health insurance. The plans I called said I was a little nutty because I never drank or smoked, I exercise regularly and always go to bed early. I also eat only locally-produced organic foods. And I am slim and mentally sharp. All these plans said that means I'm just going to get depressed in a few years when I figure out that everyone dies eventually – even healthy people. Then they said that I will cost them lots of money because I have a pre-existing condition. This doesn't seem right. I've never been sick a day in my life. What kind of pre-existing condition are they talking about? Why can't a health person like me get a good insurance policy?
Sincerely, Uninsured in Utica
Dear Uninsured in Utica
You are more than a little nutty. Do you know what the essence of insurance is?Not nuttiness, that's for sure. The essence of insurance is rationality. And rationality means rationing. No one likes to use the world “ration” when discussing health care, but it's a good word. In fact, it's the root of the word “rational.” So to ration is actually very rational, which means that it makes perfect sense not to give you health insurance at this point. Maybe we can do it some day in the future, but only if we are convinced that your pre-existing condition -- that massive depression that is awaiting you if you continue being more than a little nutty – won't cost us money. Rationing now will mean lots more people can get help in the future, possibly. Including you. Call us again in a few years, and if you're still healthy and not down in the dumps, there might be enough resources left to get you covered without causing the whole system to collapse. In the meantime, relax, have a burger, watch some trashy TV, and lighten up.
Dear HMO Accountant,
I had a bad accident the other day. I was doing some post-surgical physical therapy at home because my health plan is really bad and won't pay for any rehab. So I did some research on the Internet and found a simple machine that could help me. I ordered it and put it together myself. But I'm not much of a handyman, so a heavy piece of metal fell off and hit me on the head. I went to the emergency room, but my health plan won't pay for that either. And now I hear nothing but ringing in my ears and my health plan doesn't cover ears. They say I was in essence practicing medicine without a license with my home therapy so they aren't going to pay, and that nothing warrants an emergency room visit except . . . well, they couldn't think of anything that warrants one. And ear coverage is only for really, really old people who only need to go the ear doctor one time so the doctor can tell them they are going deaf because they are old. This is nuts. What should I do? And what the hell am I paying these high rates for?
Sincerely, Ringing off in Reno
Dear Ringing Off In Reno,
We have the best health care in the history of the world, at least we think so. Occasionally, some will have to pay more, but that will help keep our system as great as it is. Isn't that a small price for you to pay? I think others will thank you someday for your sacrifice. And have you tried dropping that piece on your head again? I've read somewhere on the Internet that sometimes doing the same thing over can reverse some of the unwanted consequences of our actions. Try Googling that and good luck!
Dear HMO Accountant,
We just sit around the house all day. We don't see well or hear well. Our joints hurt. We're tired all the time. And none of our kids have offered to help us out around the house. In fact, they don't call or visit us at all anymore. We did what you suggested from the last time we contacted you. We got some exercise equipment, but unfortunately we can't read the directions because the print is so small. And we eat lots of oatmeal like you told us to, but sometimes we forget and leave the stove burner on and so there have been a couple of small fires. And we tried to cheer up like you suggested – that fact you told us about how it takes more muscles to frown than to smile was really interesting! But nothing helps. We're still tired and our joints still hurt and we still can't hear anything. What should we do?
Sincerely, Mom and Dad in Miami.
P.S. Will you be able to get home for mom's birthday?
Dear Mom and Dad in Miami,
It's really important for the elderly to continue with their walks and workouts (even if they can't see where they are going) or they will end up using way more than their share of our precious health resources. And if that happens, we have to raise the rates on all the seniors, even the ones who don't see doctors anymore either because they don't have the money to or they forgot where their doctor's office is. So please stay in shape and stay healthy. Which I am really tired of telling you. And I'm sorry I can't make mom's birthday. But I will be needed in Washington, where politicians are trying to gain popularity by attacking us. They want to take our business away from us, if you can believe that. If that happens, I'd have to move in with you guys and no one wants that less than I do. So, good luck! And happy birthday, mom!! And have you thought about not using the stove and just using the microwave? Maybe there would be less fires.
Dear HMO Accountant,
I called my health plan the other day just to ask a simple question and was put on hold for an hour listening to Celine Dion music! I got to the point where I thought I might kill myself if I had to be on hold any longer. When someone finally came on, I accidentally - in anger, but I think with justification - uttered a profanity. So they hung up on me. They stopped taking my calls. And then they terminated me! I was so desperate I bought a plane ticket and flew all the way to my insurance company's headquarters where some insurance honcho told to wait in the waiting room while they looked up my records. The music they pipe into the waiting room is Celine Dion! So, just as I was about to go postal (can a person go “insurance-al”, cause I almost did! - the insurance guy comes back out and says that I was terminated because I didn't list everything on my application that was wrong with me. As far as I know, there's nothing wrong with me. Except now I'm so anxious and stressed that I can't go to work and my wife thinks I am insane and is thinking about leaving me. Help me, please! Shouldn't I be able to get my insurance back?
Sincerely, Freaked out in Florida
Dear Freaked out in Florida,
I was able to find your application and the reason you were terminated was that you are getting older and you didn't specifically state that on your application. Having said that, I'm sure you will understand that we are trying to conduct a business here. Growing older is a pre-existing condition that must be stated clearly on your application. And before you say that's ridiculous, believe me we know it's ridiculous. But then, again, maybe not! We can't insure every single person in the whole world, can we? We couldn't stay in business if we did that. We had to figure out some way to turn down people and dump others. That way, we stay in business and help a few people, which is better than going out of business and helping no one at all! We do this by using a very complicated mathematical random quantitative forumula thingie which is too complicated to explain here. So now you have every reason to take care of your health because we certainly can't do it for you.
PS. I just wanted you to know that I made a few calls and we will be changing our hold and waiting room music to Kenny G. So know that all of your anxiety has turned into something good. Say hello to your wife! And good luck!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
What if everyone were like our current Democratic leaders?
It's easy to imagine what would happen.
Life and commerce in big cities would come to a standstill, because drivers would stop at green lights everywhere and motion the drivers stopped for the red light to go through. “Go on through. I don't want to slow you down!” they'd shout. “We'll all get along better this way!”
And can you imagine what reality shows would be like? Dullsville. Everyone would be nice. They'd share food and help each other in the competitions and wouldn't say nasty things about other competitors. “No reason we have to be that way,“ these new contestants would say. “We can all win! And have lots of fun, too! Let's just get along here!”
And juries would have to acquit all defendants. How could a jury member who is like Harry Reid believe that anyone could do anything as horrible as whatever the defendant was charged with? And, of course, if someone did happen to do something as heinous as whatever it was they were charged with, everyone would believe that they have learned their lesson. So why punish them further? “Let's get along here! To judge and punish them is to look backwards, not forwards.”
That would mean prosecutors wouldn't have much to do, either. But they wouldn't want to do much, if they were like Harry Reid, because they just would be totally unable to believe that anyone would lie to them. “Why would anyone lie to me? We're just trying to get along here and help each other build a better life for everyone!” is what they would say. So after asking their suspect a few questions about some double homicide or a bank robbery or embezzlement and listening to the suspect say over and over, “I don't know anything about that!” they'd let them go.
Lots of other things would change, too. News shows would be filled with even more stories about miracle weight-loss treatments. Major league pitchers would make sure every batter they faced got a good pitch to hit – “We'll get along so much better if we all hit the ball hard and far!” Bosses would give everyone raises. Meteorologists would never predict rain or hail or even cold weather. And scientists would side with food companies and chemical corporations and say it's all good for you, eat what you want, no reason to be moderate in anything.
All in all, it would be a good life. Even the Republicans would be fun to talk to, except, of course, they'd still be insane.
Life and commerce in big cities would come to a standstill, because drivers would stop at green lights everywhere and motion the drivers stopped for the red light to go through. “Go on through. I don't want to slow you down!” they'd shout. “We'll all get along better this way!”
And can you imagine what reality shows would be like? Dullsville. Everyone would be nice. They'd share food and help each other in the competitions and wouldn't say nasty things about other competitors. “No reason we have to be that way,“ these new contestants would say. “We can all win! And have lots of fun, too! Let's just get along here!”
And juries would have to acquit all defendants. How could a jury member who is like Harry Reid believe that anyone could do anything as horrible as whatever the defendant was charged with? And, of course, if someone did happen to do something as heinous as whatever it was they were charged with, everyone would believe that they have learned their lesson. So why punish them further? “Let's get along here! To judge and punish them is to look backwards, not forwards.”
That would mean prosecutors wouldn't have much to do, either. But they wouldn't want to do much, if they were like Harry Reid, because they just would be totally unable to believe that anyone would lie to them. “Why would anyone lie to me? We're just trying to get along here and help each other build a better life for everyone!” is what they would say. So after asking their suspect a few questions about some double homicide or a bank robbery or embezzlement and listening to the suspect say over and over, “I don't know anything about that!” they'd let them go.
Lots of other things would change, too. News shows would be filled with even more stories about miracle weight-loss treatments. Major league pitchers would make sure every batter they faced got a good pitch to hit – “We'll get along so much better if we all hit the ball hard and far!” Bosses would give everyone raises. Meteorologists would never predict rain or hail or even cold weather. And scientists would side with food companies and chemical corporations and say it's all good for you, eat what you want, no reason to be moderate in anything.
All in all, it would be a good life. Even the Republicans would be fun to talk to, except, of course, they'd still be insane.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Our holiday letter to all (six of) our fans
Hello, friends, family and everyone else out there. What a hectic year! “No rest for the wicked” as they say. Right from the start of the year we were busy. On New Year’s Day Bill lost a finger in a ham slicing incident. And he's always thinking of others first -- that's why I love him. All the way to the ER he worried about his bowling team -- could they win without him? Well, he just went on and on until finally he went into shock and passed out. The good news: The doctors reattached his finger. The bad news: He is still rolling a lot of gutter balls.
In March, an addition to our family -- a dog. I know I’ve talked about this in other years, but this year we did it. A big frisky mutt! It just runs around and barks and eats and barks and sleeps and barks some more. Bill says it barks in its sleep, too, and one night when it was making noises in our bedroom, Bill tried to push it down to the basement. Well, it didn’t like that and before you knew it, it had Bill on his back and its jaws around Bill’s neck. So the dog still sleeps in the bedroom and Bill wears ear plugs. Bill also doesn’t go near the dog when it’s eating.
A low point of the year: Our car blew up in Nebraska. We were visiting friends over the Fourth of July and the men were shooting bottle rockets out of beer bottles. Well, one went a little astray and flew under our sport utility vehicle. I don’t know what it hit under there, but it had to be the biggest fireworks in Nebraska that weekend. It was a sad moment -- Bill really loved to tailgate hybrids on the freeway and flash his lights at them -- but the kids were really impressed. They wanted to see another car blow up. Bill still chuckles about that, but I can see in his eyes that he misses that car.
In August we began seeing a marital counselor. We’ve had some money and sexual issues for several years now, and I’ve been trying to get Bill to do this. Finally he did and you would all be proud of the way he opened up. He talked at length about a young secretary at work he “dated” a few times. I suspected as much, but I thought it was with Tina down the street. She always looked a little too hard at Bill. I enjoyed this at first because it made me feel good that others were interested in Bill and his middle-aged plumpiness, but then I grew to dislike it. All in all, I’d say the marital counseling helped. We still have money and sexual issues, but I feel better. I don’t know about Bill, though. He hasn’t said much about this since.
Both Bill, Jr., and Lisa are in high school this year and it is very trying for us. They are into liberal politics and veganism and they got their noses pierced and then volunteered to work at a food shelf. School is going well: Their teachers say they get along well with other kids and that they have very good handwriting. But we really aren’t sure what to do about having liberals and vegans in the family. Don't you have to eat meat to be big and strong? I don't know. I just hope they will outgrow all this and start drinking beer and wearing baseball caps backwards like we used to -- and we turned out fine. Nothing wrong with a little normalcy, I always say!
And Thanksgiving was an exciting holiday in our household. Bill cut another finger off in another ham slicing incident. We were very lucky this time that it wasn’t his bowling hand, because the dog was right there ready to grab anything landing on the floor. I swear, it looked like it inhaled that finger before it was even halfway to the floor! Bill was very upset, of course, but there wasn’t much we could do. We just hopped in the car and drove to the ER. He, of course, now thinks its a hound from hell, but I still love it. And I couldn’t get a word in edgewise, so I was just glad when he went into shock and shut up. Whoever first said silence is golden is a true poet.
Our Christmas tree is up. No accidents to report -- it was a very normal family event. We went to the tree lot, bought a tree and brought it home. Bill is always very good at sawing the stump even so the tree stands straight. Even with his hand still in a big bandage, he got the job done and now the tree is up and decorated. Bill, Jr., and Lisa sit around it with us and sometimes even talk to us. Yesterday, they asked for advice about sex! It’s been such a long time since I’ve been on a date that I had nothing to say. So I made Bill say a few words since he was “dating” that young secretary recently.
In other news, the dog seems to get along with Bill, Sr., much better since it ate his finger -- it even obeys him occasionally. It’s almost as if it knows Bill is going to have another accident and wants to be there for it.
So after this difficult year, we are one happy family now. There truly seems to be some magic at work during this holiday season.
Happy Holidays, everyone. We’ll send you another report next year!
In March, an addition to our family -- a dog. I know I’ve talked about this in other years, but this year we did it. A big frisky mutt! It just runs around and barks and eats and barks and sleeps and barks some more. Bill says it barks in its sleep, too, and one night when it was making noises in our bedroom, Bill tried to push it down to the basement. Well, it didn’t like that and before you knew it, it had Bill on his back and its jaws around Bill’s neck. So the dog still sleeps in the bedroom and Bill wears ear plugs. Bill also doesn’t go near the dog when it’s eating.
A low point of the year: Our car blew up in Nebraska. We were visiting friends over the Fourth of July and the men were shooting bottle rockets out of beer bottles. Well, one went a little astray and flew under our sport utility vehicle. I don’t know what it hit under there, but it had to be the biggest fireworks in Nebraska that weekend. It was a sad moment -- Bill really loved to tailgate hybrids on the freeway and flash his lights at them -- but the kids were really impressed. They wanted to see another car blow up. Bill still chuckles about that, but I can see in his eyes that he misses that car.
In August we began seeing a marital counselor. We’ve had some money and sexual issues for several years now, and I’ve been trying to get Bill to do this. Finally he did and you would all be proud of the way he opened up. He talked at length about a young secretary at work he “dated” a few times. I suspected as much, but I thought it was with Tina down the street. She always looked a little too hard at Bill. I enjoyed this at first because it made me feel good that others were interested in Bill and his middle-aged plumpiness, but then I grew to dislike it. All in all, I’d say the marital counseling helped. We still have money and sexual issues, but I feel better. I don’t know about Bill, though. He hasn’t said much about this since.
Both Bill, Jr., and Lisa are in high school this year and it is very trying for us. They are into liberal politics and veganism and they got their noses pierced and then volunteered to work at a food shelf. School is going well: Their teachers say they get along well with other kids and that they have very good handwriting. But we really aren’t sure what to do about having liberals and vegans in the family. Don't you have to eat meat to be big and strong? I don't know. I just hope they will outgrow all this and start drinking beer and wearing baseball caps backwards like we used to -- and we turned out fine. Nothing wrong with a little normalcy, I always say!
And Thanksgiving was an exciting holiday in our household. Bill cut another finger off in another ham slicing incident. We were very lucky this time that it wasn’t his bowling hand, because the dog was right there ready to grab anything landing on the floor. I swear, it looked like it inhaled that finger before it was even halfway to the floor! Bill was very upset, of course, but there wasn’t much we could do. We just hopped in the car and drove to the ER. He, of course, now thinks its a hound from hell, but I still love it. And I couldn’t get a word in edgewise, so I was just glad when he went into shock and shut up. Whoever first said silence is golden is a true poet.
Our Christmas tree is up. No accidents to report -- it was a very normal family event. We went to the tree lot, bought a tree and brought it home. Bill is always very good at sawing the stump even so the tree stands straight. Even with his hand still in a big bandage, he got the job done and now the tree is up and decorated. Bill, Jr., and Lisa sit around it with us and sometimes even talk to us. Yesterday, they asked for advice about sex! It’s been such a long time since I’ve been on a date that I had nothing to say. So I made Bill say a few words since he was “dating” that young secretary recently.
In other news, the dog seems to get along with Bill, Sr., much better since it ate his finger -- it even obeys him occasionally. It’s almost as if it knows Bill is going to have another accident and wants to be there for it.
So after this difficult year, we are one happy family now. There truly seems to be some magic at work during this holiday season.
Happy Holidays, everyone. We’ll send you another report next year!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Dump Bernanke
Check out this exchange between Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke and Rep. Alan Grayson (D-FL) about unaccounted-for loans the Fed made:
GRAYSON: So who got the money?
BERNANKE: Financial institutions in Europe and other countries.
GRAYSON: Which ones?
BERNANKE: I don't know.
GRAYSON: Half-a-trillion dollars and you don't know who got the money?
In total, over a trillion dollars are unaccounted for. Reps. Grayson and Ron Paul (R-TX) propose an audit of the Federal Reserve, but Bernanke opposes it.
Hearings to confirm Bernanke to another four-year term are this week. If that offends you, go here to sign a petition to deny him another term.
GRAYSON: So who got the money?
BERNANKE: Financial institutions in Europe and other countries.
GRAYSON: Which ones?
BERNANKE: I don't know.
GRAYSON: Half-a-trillion dollars and you don't know who got the money?
In total, over a trillion dollars are unaccounted for. Reps. Grayson and Ron Paul (R-TX) propose an audit of the Federal Reserve, but Bernanke opposes it.
Hearings to confirm Bernanke to another four-year term are this week. If that offends you, go here to sign a petition to deny him another term.
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