Ask the HMO Accountant

Good news, America! Health care reform is not dead!!!

The famed Group of Six, the six senators led by Sen. Baucus who delayed things so long that everyone thought nothing would be done, felt so bad about that that they came up with a plan everyone can get behind. It won't cost much or add to the deficit. Unemployed people can afford it. It's not complicated. And it will allow insurance companies to stay in business and do what they want to do: help people get well.

The plan is very simple: just Ask the HMO Accountant! It's cheap. It's effective. It's quick. And it's reform that is American, not French or Canadian or, even worse, French Canadian! Sign up today and you'll soon be asking yourself: Why didn't we think of this before?

The following shows you how it works.



Dear HMO Accountant,

I've lived a very healthy life but I can't get health insurance. The plans I called said I was a little nutty because I never drank or smoked, I exercise regularly and always go to bed early. I also eat only locally-produced organic foods. And I am slim and mentally sharp. All these plans said that means I'm just going to get depressed in a few years when I figure out that everyone dies eventually – even healthy people. Then they said that I will cost them lots of money because I have a pre-existing condition. This doesn't seem right. I've never been sick a day in my life. What kind of pre-existing condition are they talking about? Why can't a health person like me get a good insurance policy?

Sincerely, Uninsured in Utica

Dear Uninsured in Utica

You are more than a little nutty. Do you know what the essence of insurance is?Not nuttiness, that's for sure. The essence of insurance is rationality. And rationality means rationing. No one likes to use the world “ration” when discussing health care, but it's a good word. In fact, it's the root of the word “rational.” So to ration is actually very rational, which means that it makes perfect sense not to give you health insurance at this point. Maybe we can do it some day in the future, but only if we are convinced that your pre-existing condition -- that massive depression that is awaiting you if you continue being more than a little nutty – won't cost us money. Rationing now will mean lots more people can get help in the future, possibly. Including you. Call us again in a few years, and if you're still healthy and not down in the dumps, there might be enough resources left to get you covered without causing the whole system to collapse. In the meantime, relax, have a burger, watch some trashy TV, and lighten up.



Dear HMO Accountant,

I had a bad accident the other day. I was doing some post-surgical physical therapy at home because my health plan is really bad and won't pay for any rehab. So I did some research on the Internet and found a simple machine that could help me. I ordered it and put it together myself. But I'm not much of a handyman, so a heavy piece of metal fell off and hit me on the head. I went to the emergency room, but my health plan won't pay for that either. And now I hear nothing but ringing in my ears and my health plan doesn't cover ears. They say I was in essence practicing medicine without a license with my home therapy so they aren't going to pay, and that nothing warrants an emergency room visit except . . . well, they couldn't think of anything that warrants one. And ear coverage is only for really, really old people who only need to go the ear doctor one time so the doctor can tell them they are going deaf because they are old. This is nuts. What should I do? And what the hell am I paying these high rates for?

Sincerely, Ringing off in Reno

Dear Ringing Off In Reno,

We have the best health care in the history of the world, at least we think so. Occasionally, some will have to pay more, but that will help keep our system as great as it is. Isn't that a small price for you to pay? I think others will thank you someday for your sacrifice. And have you tried dropping that piece on your head again? I've read somewhere on the Internet that sometimes doing the same thing over can reverse some of the unwanted consequences of our actions. Try Googling that and good luck!



Dear HMO Accountant,

We just sit around the house all day. We don't see well or hear well. Our joints hurt. We're tired all the time. And none of our kids have offered to help us out around the house. In fact, they don't call or visit us at all anymore. We did what you suggested from the last time we contacted you. We got some exercise equipment, but unfortunately we can't read the directions because the print is so small. And we eat lots of oatmeal like you told us to, but sometimes we forget and leave the stove burner on and so there have been a couple of small fires. And we tried to cheer up like you suggested – that fact you told us about how it takes more muscles to frown than to smile was really interesting! But nothing helps. We're still tired and our joints still hurt and we still can't hear anything. What should we do?

Sincerely, Mom and Dad in Miami.

P.S. Will you be able to get home for mom's birthday?

Dear Mom and Dad in Miami,

It's really important for the elderly to continue with their walks and workouts (even if they can't see where they are going) or they will end up using way more than their share of our precious health resources. And if that happens, we have to raise the rates on all the seniors, even the ones who don't see doctors anymore either because they don't have the money to or they forgot where their doctor's office is. So please stay in shape and stay healthy. Which I am really tired of telling you. And I'm sorry I can't make mom's birthday. But I will be needed in Washington, where politicians are trying to gain popularity by attacking us. They want to take our business away from us, if you can believe that. If that happens, I'd have to move in with you guys and no one wants that less than I do. So, good luck! And happy birthday, mom!! And have you thought about not using the stove and just using the microwave? Maybe there would be less fires.



Dear HMO Accountant,

I called my health plan the other day just to ask a simple question and was put on hold for an hour listening to Celine Dion music! I got to the point where I thought I might kill myself if I had to be on hold any longer. When someone finally came on, I accidentally - in anger, but I think with justification - uttered a profanity. So they hung up on me. They stopped taking my calls. And then they terminated me! I was so desperate I bought a plane ticket and flew all the way to my insurance company's headquarters where some insurance honcho told to wait in the waiting room while they looked up my records. The music they pipe into the waiting room is Celine Dion! So, just as I was about to go postal (can a person go “insurance-al”, cause I almost did! - the insurance guy comes back out and says that I was terminated because I didn't list everything on my application that was wrong with me. As far as I know, there's nothing wrong with me. Except now I'm so anxious and stressed that I can't go to work and my wife thinks I am insane and is thinking about leaving me. Help me, please! Shouldn't I be able to get my insurance back?

Sincerely, Freaked out in Florida

Dear Freaked out in Florida,

I was able to find your application and the reason you were terminated was that you are getting older and you didn't specifically state that on your application. Having said that, I'm sure you will understand that we are trying to conduct a business here. Growing older is a pre-existing condition that must be stated clearly on your application. And before you say that's ridiculous, believe me we know it's ridiculous. But then, again, maybe not! We can't insure every single person in the whole world, can we? We couldn't stay in business if we did that. We had to figure out some way to turn down people and dump others. That way, we stay in business and help a few people, which is better than going out of business and helping no one at all! We do this by using a very complicated mathematical random quantitative forumula thingie which is too complicated to explain here. So now you have every reason to take care of your health because we certainly can't do it for you.

PS. I just wanted you to know that I made a few calls and we will be changing our hold and waiting room music to Kenny G. So know that all of your anxiety has turned into something good. Say hello to your wife! And good luck!

What if everyone were like our current Democratic leaders?

It's easy to imagine what would happen.

Life and commerce in big cities would come to a standstill, because drivers would stop at green lights everywhere and motion the drivers stopped for the red light to go through. “Go on through. I don't want to slow you down!” they'd shout. “We'll all get along better this way!”

And can you imagine what reality shows would be like? Dullsville. Everyone would be nice. They'd share food and help each other in the competitions and wouldn't say nasty things about other competitors. “No reason we have to be that way,“ these new contestants would say. “We can all win! And have lots of fun, too! Let's just get along here!”

And juries would have to acquit all defendants. How could a jury member who is like Harry Reid believe that anyone could do anything as horrible as whatever the defendant was charged with? And, of course, if someone did happen to do something as heinous as whatever it was they were charged with, everyone would believe that they have learned their lesson. So why punish them further? “Let's get along here! To judge and punish them is to look backwards, not forwards.”

That would mean prosecutors wouldn't have much to do, either. But they wouldn't want to do much, if they were like Harry Reid, because they just would be totally unable to believe that anyone would lie to them. “Why would anyone lie to me? We're just trying to get along here and help each other build a better life for everyone!” is what they would say. So after asking their suspect a few questions about some double homicide or a bank robbery or embezzlement and listening to the suspect say over and over, “I don't know anything about that!” they'd let them go.

Lots of other things would change, too. News shows would be filled with even more stories about miracle weight-loss treatments. Major league pitchers would make sure every batter they faced got a good pitch to hit – “We'll get along so much better if we all hit the ball hard and far!” Bosses would give everyone raises. Meteorologists would never predict rain or hail or even cold weather. And scientists would side with food companies and chemical corporations and say it's all good for you, eat what you want, no reason to be moderate in anything.

All in all, it would be a good life. Even the Republicans would be fun to talk to, except, of course, they'd still be insane.

Our holiday letter to all (six of) our fans

Hello, friends, family and everyone else out there. What a hectic year! “No rest for the wicked” as they say. Right from the start of the year we were busy. On New Year’s Day Bill lost a finger in a ham slicing incident. And he's always thinking of others first -- that's why I love him. All the way to the ER he worried about his bowling team -- could they win without him? Well, he just went on and on until finally he went into shock and passed out. The good news: The doctors reattached his finger. The bad news: He is still rolling a lot of gutter balls.

In March, an addition to our family -- a dog. I know I’ve talked about this in other years, but this year we did it. A big frisky mutt! It just runs around and barks and eats and barks and sleeps and barks some more. Bill says it barks in its sleep, too, and one night when it was making noises in our bedroom, Bill tried to push it down to the basement. Well, it didn’t like that and before you knew it, it had Bill on his back and its jaws around Bill’s neck. So the dog still sleeps in the bedroom and Bill wears ear plugs. Bill also doesn’t go near the dog when it’s eating.

A low point of the year: Our car blew up in Nebraska. We were visiting friends over the Fourth of July and the men were shooting bottle rockets out of beer bottles. Well, one went a little astray and flew under our sport utility vehicle. I don’t know what it hit under there, but it had to be the biggest fireworks in Nebraska that weekend. It was a sad moment -- Bill really loved to tailgate hybrids on the freeway and flash his lights at them -- but the kids were really impressed. They wanted to see another car blow up. Bill still chuckles about that, but I can see in his eyes that he misses that car.

In August we began seeing a marital counselor. We’ve had some money and sexual issues for several years now, and I’ve been trying to get Bill to do this. Finally he did and you would all be proud of the way he opened up. He talked at length about a young secretary at work he “dated” a few times. I suspected as much, but I thought it was with Tina down the street. She always looked a little too hard at Bill. I enjoyed this at first because it made me feel good that others were interested in Bill and his middle-aged plumpiness, but then I grew to dislike it. All in all, I’d say the marital counseling helped. We still have money and sexual issues, but I feel better. I don’t know about Bill, though. He hasn’t said much about this since.

Both Bill, Jr., and Lisa are in high school this year and it is very trying for us. They are into liberal politics and veganism and they got their noses pierced and then volunteered to work at a food shelf. School is going well: Their teachers say they get along well with other kids and that they have very good handwriting. But we really aren’t sure what to do about having liberals and vegans in the family. Don't you have to eat meat to be big and strong? I don't know. I just hope they will outgrow all this and start drinking beer and wearing baseball caps backwards like we used to -- and we turned out fine. Nothing wrong with a little normalcy, I always say!

And Thanksgiving was an exciting holiday in our household. Bill cut another finger off in another ham slicing incident. We were very lucky this time that it wasn’t his bowling hand, because the dog was right there ready to grab anything landing on the floor. I swear, it looked like it inhaled that finger before it was even halfway to the floor! Bill was very upset, of course, but there wasn’t much we could do. We just hopped in the car and drove to the ER. He, of course, now thinks its a hound from hell, but I still love it. And I couldn’t get a word in edgewise, so I was just glad when he went into shock and shut up. Whoever first said silence is golden is a true poet.

Our Christmas tree is up. No accidents to report -- it was a very normal family event. We went to the tree lot, bought a tree and brought it home. Bill is always very good at sawing the stump even so the tree stands straight. Even with his hand still in a big bandage, he got the job done and now the tree is up and decorated. Bill, Jr., and Lisa sit around it with us and sometimes even talk to us. Yesterday, they asked for advice about sex! It’s been such a long time since I’ve been on a date that I had nothing to say. So I made Bill say a few words since he was “dating” that young secretary recently.

In other news, the dog seems to get along with Bill, Sr., much better since it ate his finger -- it even obeys him occasionally. It’s almost as if it knows Bill is going to have another accident and wants to be there for it.

So after this difficult year, we are one happy family now. There truly seems to be some magic at work during this holiday season.

Happy Holidays, everyone. We’ll send you another report next year!

Dump Bernanke

Check out this exchange between Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke and Rep. Alan Grayson (D-FL) about unaccounted-for loans the Fed made:

GRAYSON: So who got the money?

BERNANKE: Financial institutions in Europe and other countries.

GRAYSON: Which ones?

BERNANKE: I don't know.

GRAYSON: Half-a-trillion dollars and you don't know who got the money?

In total, over a trillion dollars are unaccounted for. Reps. Grayson and Ron Paul (R-TX) propose an audit of the Federal Reserve, but Bernanke opposes it.

Hearings to confirm Bernanke to another four-year term are this week. If that offends you, go here to sign a petition to deny him another term.

America's biggest victim of the year

Screw that hogwash about getting up early and working hard to get ahead. Scrimping. Saving. Teaching your kids to be honest and upright and live moderately. Screw all that. Here's the truth: the early bird doesn't get the worm. And if you think about it, who wants to get up early and get a worm anyway? You're a sucker if you do. Life's tough, and eating worms just isn't much of a reward, so you might as well sleep late. Get a little satisfaction and pleasure before you have to get to your crappy job, anyway.
Especially these days. Do bankers get up early and eat worms? Not unless they are cooked at the French Laundry or are prepared personally by Mario and cost about $200 for a plate of three worms imported fresh from the steaming volcanic soils of Asia. Then they'll eat them. Plus, they'll love them even more because the rest of us can't afford them. Otherwise, hell no, they're not going to eat worms. The early bird gets the worm? It's a nice saying that might have helped build America, but it's kind of an unfortunate expression today.
These days, if you want to get ahead and be rich, famous and powerful, be a victim. That's the way to go. That's the route to riches. Palin's a victim. Prejean's a victim. McCain's a victim. So's Fox News. And let's not forget the whole Republican party and anyone who waits in line at a Palin book signing. So are bankers and everyone making big bucks on Wall Street. They are victims because we don't like them, want to slap regulations on banks, want to take their bonuses away and tax the crap out of them. We want to tax their country club memberships, take away their corporate jets and make them fly coach. We want to tax their estates when they die so their kids don't get anything. Poor victimized bankers.
America loves its victims. Victims get ahead because America is a nation of victims. We are all victims here in America. America itself is a victim. We suffered the tragedy of 9/11. We were just sitting here driving our SUVs three blocks to McDonalds for breakfast or watching Fox News, minding our own business, when out of the blue, we're attacked. Damn terrorists! What'd we ever do to them? Nothing! Then we take the fight over there so we don't have to fight them over here in our streets and the world hates us. We didn't do anything. We're the victims here, not the terrorists.
The question now is: who, in a country of victims, is America's biggest victim? Health insurance companies? Lou Dobbs? Carrie Prejean? It's a good question. Here are some suggestions and explanations for their choice. If you have others, send them in.

John McCain. Lost the presidency because ACORN thugs stuffed the ballots and robbed him. And then Sarah Palin went rogue and didn't do what she was told and made him look stupid. And George Bush ruined the economy for him, not to mention Bush ruining America's love of war. Whoever would've thought America would stop loving war? There we were in two glorious wars and McCain is a red-blooded real American warrior itching to be commander-in-chief, and Bush ruined it for him. He made America dislike war!!! Can you believe it? Liberal hippy war protesters have been trying to do that for 40 years and couldn't. Bush did it in, like, six. Only a hugely powerful incompetence could accomplish that. Which makes the argument for McCain being America's biggest victim very meaty.

Sarah Palin. Bloggers say the nastiest things about her. So do reporters. And liberals. And pundits. And Democrats. And Katie Couric. And Charlie Gibson. And anyone who hasn't shot and field-dressed a moose has probably said bad things about her. And how can anyone stay in office with all those bad things being said? Can't. They made her quit being governor. When God told her He wanted her to go to Washington and put prayer back in schools and abortionists in prison, He didn't tell her it would be so difficult on her and her family. It's all in her book. Buy it and weep for her. (And if you don't buy it, you're victimizing her!) Fortunately, now that she's on a book tour, she doesn't have to talk to Couric or Gibson or folks like that. Just friendly Fox people. And, by the way, what's wrong with asking Iowa Republicans for $100,000 or so to show up there to give speeches to Republicans? Why are they victimizing her? Just because no Republican has done it before doesn't mean it's not a good idea. It's Iowa, for God's sake. Have you ever been to Iowa? If you have, you'll know why she wants $100,000 to go there.

Carrie Prejean. How dare anyone say anything about her sex tapes and topless photographs and breast jobs and walking around in a bikini on stage? Don't those people have lives? They shouldn't be prying into hers. And who is Perez Hilton and why is someone like that even allowed to be in the same room with her? Or on the same planet as her? It's just not right that someone like him could destroy her beauty career just when she's in the prime of her beauty and everyone wants to see her in a bikini. If God didn't want people to look at her in a bikini, God wouldn't have created bikinis. And why did Donald Trump fire her? Who's he to criticize her? Just being in the same room with his hair made one of her breasts sag! It was all just too much! And now they want her to pay for her fake breasts! What's the world coming to when a good Christian beauty queen is made such fun of?

And the Republican Party. They don't get to pray in schools, and secular humanist atheist liberals want to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance and off all our coins and soon everyone will get damned to Hell, even good Republicans, who didn't do anything but work hard and get good jobs in their dads' banks and take money from poor undeserving sinners so that it could be put it to good hard work in the banker's portfolios and their children's education funds. And prayer is gone from the public square. That's why we're all going to hell and it's the liberals' fault. But God's a Republican, so He will understand. He won't send us to Hell, once we explain it to him. And Bush wasn't so hot, either. He was never a real Republican, not like Palin or tea baggers. Bush let us down. We'll tell God and God'll send Bush to Hell for that!