Ask Your Health Plan lobbyist

And you thought you couldn't afford a lobbyist! Or good health insurance!

How wrong you were. Now, because of the great work that Your Health Plan lobbyist and his colleagues have done, you can get the very best coverage Your Health Plan can afford, and without the nuisance of lines, embarrassing questions, pokes or prods. Just ask Your Health Plan lobbyist! And get your answers right away! What does that pain in your stomach mean? Do you really need a second opinion? Should you buy the expensive drug your have been using - or will two aspirin and a good night's rest do just as well?

Your Health Plan is offering you this one-time offer today only for just $250 a month. Your Health Plan lobbyist will be there for you 24/7 and you won't have to leave your house, find a parking spot, wait in a doctor's office (like a Canadian!), or have to answer embarrassing questions about weight, drinking habits, sexual activities, and who knows what else.

Plus you'll get your questions answered and a clear-cut, no-nonsense plan of action that will get you healthy again and keep Your Health Plan healthy for decades so it will always be there when you need it!

As an added bonus, say you saw this offer here on this website and get a free invitation to Your Health Plan lobbyist's next fundraiser for your favorite local elected officials!

Sign up today and keep your health care costs from bankrupting Your Health Plan.

The following is an example of the excellent medical advice you can get when you have your own personal health plan lobbyist working for you instead of against you.

Dear Health Plan lobbyist:

I'm so thankful for a medical plan I can afford that also won't ruin our great country and lead to socialism, communism, fascism and Nazism. Thank you for your efforts at keeping our country great! But here's my problem: I can't straighten my leg out. My knee is really big, too. And a funny color. And my dog won't come over when I call it, probably because my knee smells really bad.

Thanks for any help you can give me. And keep up your good work on keeping America great and competitive!

Sincerely, Aching in Arkansas

Dear Aching in Arkansas,

Glad you contacted me when you did. If you'd waited another day (which you would have had to if you were French, British or Canadian) you'd be beyond help. But we can deal with this easily. You probably have an infection and will need a few dozen leeches and maybe some maggots. These may sound disgusting but they are actually all better than drugs because they are organic, natural, sustainable and easy to find. So I would suggest you head up north to a cold lake where there are lots of leeches occurring naturally and stand in the water for a while. The leeches will come to you and suck out the poisons. The maggots will then finish the job.

Best of all, this won't cost Your Health Plan any money, so we will be there the next time you need us. Meanwhile, if you need any help, feel free to call on my cell. I'll be out on the golf course with your local elected officials, helping to explain to them these new and ageless and extremely effective medical treatments. Good luck!!

Dear Health Plan lobbyist:

I paid my $250 each month for five years and you cashed all the checks. But now for some reason you ended my coverage just when I needed it for major heart surgery. I don't get it. I answered everything fully and honestly. And now I have these terrible headaches from all this stress of dealing with you guys. Thanks. For nothing!!

Sincerely, PO'd in Phoenix

Dear PO'd in Phoenix,

Sorry for your travails, but you have to be honest and you didn't tell us you bought wart remover 33 years ago. (We checked up on that through your credit records.) See, our problem is that if you had a wart, which we assume you did, you didn't tell us and warts lead to lots of other problems and costs, so that's fraud on your part. That needs to be taken seriously. Right now I'm partying with 53 elected officials and their staff members and I asked them about it and they all agree with me. And, no, you won't get your money back. (That's in the fine print.)

Good luck!

Dear Health Plan lobbyist:

OK. I did what you suggested and now have leeches on both legs and feet. When can I get out of the water? I'd like to right now. A thunderstorm is moving this way and I see lots of lightning striking the ground, coming right at me. I'm very scared and want t

Dear Aching in Arkansas,

I assume it's you. Well, there wasn't a lot we could do in your case that would be cost effective anyway, so maybe it's better you went fast. Ultimately, that helps the common good. Too bad all patients aren't as helpful as you. As you know, your making the ultimate sacrifice early in your treatment saves us money and keeps our plan available for many others in dire need. And we did it all without the use of those godless government Death Panels.

Good luck wherever you are. We will send the final bill for our services to your estate.

If that's the kind of health care that appeals to you, sign up today! It's cheap, it's not fascist, and it will keep our health insurance industry healthy for generations! Sign up today and you could be getting this great health care tomorrow. Sign up now and it's only $250 a month!