Tim Pawlenty Primer

Tim Pawlenty is running for president. Watch Tim run. Run, Tim, run. Run run run.

He is Republican governor of Minnesota. What do Republican governors do? Fight Democrats. Watch Tim fight all the Democrats in Minnesota. Over anything. Fight, Tim, fight. Just say no, Tim. No no no.

Minnesotans know Tim. He's been governor for two terms. Now the state budget is in worse shape than ever. Many think Tim is mediocre and incompetent. But they live in big cities and are liberals who don't go to a good church like he does. Tim doesn't like them. They don't do what Tim wants and don't let Tim do what he wants. Which is to cut taxes and make the budget even worse. Watch Tim starve cities and schools. Starve them, Tim, starve them.

Tim won't raise taxes. Except sometimes. Then he calls it a fee. Fees have gone way up during Tim's rule. Watch fees go up. Up up up.

Property taxes are way up, too. Class size in schools is way up, too. Tim holds money back that schools are supposed to get because, well, because the state has budget problems and stealing from schools is easy when you're a Republican governor. Why should kids get free education? No Republican supports that. Kids should pay to learn. Charge the kids, Tim, charge them.

After two terms of Pawlenty, Minnesota is facing an “economic tsunami.” A big wave is coming, and Tim wants to be somewhere else when it hits. That's why he's quitting and running for president. Go, Tim, go. Faster faster faster. Please please please.

He'll be long gone by the time the tsunami hits. Run, Tim, run. Run run run.

When not destroying the state budget, Tim protects families from that which would destroy them. He loves families, at least the ones with children and a mommy and a daddy. Homosexuals will destroy those families because that's one of the first things on the homosexual agenda: destroy traditional values. So Tim wants to destroy those not-traditional families pre-emptively. Watch Tim destroy them. He'll take away their rights. Right, Tim, right.

Now real Americans are getting to know Tim. He's on TV all the time. That's what presidential candidates do. Even when they have a job in Minnesota. They leave their job and go on TV. They give speeches and go to conferences and shake everyone's hands. Watch Tim on TV. Watch watch watch.

Watch Tim say that Obama will kill granny. Maybe Obama will give her organs to illegal aliens who will get free transplants and get to see the doctor first while real Americans wait in line under Obamacare and die while waiting. Watch Tim on TV. Speak, Tim, speak. Speak speak speak.

Oops. He says maybe he was wrong. Maybe granny can keep her organs and won't be put to death on Obamacare. But maybe she will be; it might happen in 10 years or so. It's hard to tell because we're moving so fast and who understands these bills anyway? Not real Americans. Tim's a lawyer and knows these things. But Tim's also a real American, so Tim is having a hard time understanding the bill because it's written by liberals and other not-real Americans. Watch Tim backtrack. Backtrack, Tim, backtrack. Faster faster faster.

Tim doesn't like government. Republicans never do. Why is he governor? Why does he want to be president? Who knows. Government is bad. Tim is good. He's running for president. Watch Tim run. Run Tim run.