The Tea Party's first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest

Here is some great fun, courtesy of The Tea Party and our own Department of Homeland Decency! (Kids --you'll love this, too!!) We offer this as a courtesy to readers to help them understand what the next few years will be like.

Dear Great Americans Everywhere,

To celebrate our great moral victory in the November election, the newly formed Tea Party in conjunction with The Department of Homeland Decency's Office of Homeland Heresy is sponsoring its first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest!

Look around you. Who are the heretics in your neighborhood? Point them out to us and with your help, we will once again make America safe for the 19th century.

The rules for this contest are simple. Write in 50 words or less why your neighborhood heretic should be sent up the river. Do they stay home on Sunday morning when you go to church? Do they believe in global warming or the death tax? Do they think they are entitled to government riches? Do they want to tax the rich to pay for their sense of entitlement? Worst of all: Do they think we all come from apes?

Heresy can take many different forms, and the deeper you can develop your essay, the easier it will be for our analysts and judges to decide who deserves to go to prison. To help you start out, try to think of things heretics do or say that you don't want your kids to know about, even when they are 30 or 40 years old and have kids and jobs of their own.

To get things rolling, we had several of our good friends write short essays. We hope these give you a clear idea of how we, with your help, can once again make America safe for the 19th century.

Dear Office of Homeland Heresy,
A neighbor said at our neighborhood block party last summer that he thinks Al Franken is funny. Some children heard him talk about the books Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot and Stupid White Men and they cried all night. Nothing I said could make them understand why anyone would say such mean things. Please send Al Franken to prison for his obvious lack of virtue. Thank you.
Virtuously yours, Norm Coleman

Dear Homeland Heresy people,
I was shocked to discover that my girlfriend has to watch CNN at work just because her boss likes it. This is what I mean when I say liberals hate America. Send that boss to a prison where he has to listen to me and Bill and Sean and Oliver North and all the great American ditto-heads and that'll show him how great America is!
Sincerely, R. Limbaugh

Dear Homeland Heresy,
Canadians cook funny foods! And does anyone understand their English accent? I think they speak some French up there, too! I'd like you to investigate our Canadian neighbors and send them all away. Or shoot 'em. Whatever works best for you works for me.
Sincerely, Drudge

Dear Office of Homeland Heresy,
I miss GW Bush! I dream about him at night. I'm tired of peace signs in my neighbor's front yard. If Obama had been around in 1940, we'd all be speaking German. Or maybe Russian. The other day I saw a teenager down the street buy a condom. He'll never be a decent Christian. And let's not even talk about his teachers!
And those Arab-Canadians out there - aren't they just a combination of the worst of the worst?
I just can't make up my mind who to pick. Can we send them all to prison?
Sincerely, Michele Bachmann
PS: I'm going to burn up that peace sign down the street and you better not say anything about it.

Dear Office of Homeland Heresy,
Anita Hill. Get her to apologize!
Thank you.
Sincerely, Ginni Thomas

First prize in our first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest is something special: the winner gets a front row seat when we sentence their neighborhood heretic to that all-expense paid trip up the river.

Second and third prizes are equally special: DVDs of your neighborhood heretic being interrogated. When will they break? How much can they take before sobbing? Will they be a jittery mass of quivering blob within a week? You and your family can spend many nights enjoying these suspenseful views of how we get heretics to talk to us.

We also plan to give away about 100 consolation prizes, including front row seats for you and your whole family to any heresy trials in your neighborhood! The winners will be announced at a special edition of the No Spin Zone on Christmas Eve, hosted by Bill O'Reilly. There will be many surprise guests, including Tea Party favorites, Juan Williams, Norm Coleman, and our favorite: Joe the Plumber.

So send your essay off to us at The Office of Homeland Heresy. Just write that on the envelope and it will get to us, even without a stamp. That's how important it is to get this first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest out there. With your help, we will make America safe for the 17th century!

The family that has fun together, stays together. Learn more about family fun and how to raise decent children by ordering "Department of Homeland Decency: Decency Rules and Regulations Manual" from amazon.com and bookstores everywhere.

The Department of Homeland Decency Hero Of The Week

Carl Paladino, the New York candidate for Governor of New York, is this weeks Department of Homeland Decency Hero Of The Week. He represents everything we at the Department of Homeland Decency hold dear and in his short campaign he has taken on gays, Muslims, the media, and who knows what else. He is an inspiration to decent Homelanders everywhere.

We believe he agrees with our efforts to return decency to the bedroom. As we have always maintained, our Intelligent Designer designed “it” to be done by a Mommy and a Daddy, which is why the very intimate and private parts of Mommy and Daddy fit together perfectly when they do “it.” This is why they can finish “it” quickly and quietly without moaning or screaming and then get up and go about daily life as if nothing had happened.

On the other hand, if two Mommies do it together, or two Daddies, the parts don't fit, causing pain and anguish, which leads to moaning and screaming, bed squeaking, sweating, joint pain, falling property values, urban blight, STDs, cancer, and increased vulnerability to terrorist attack.

With people like Mr. Paladino on our side, we believe our vision of a better and more decent Homeland will soon come to pass. So, congratulations, Mr. Paladino. And good luck in New York!

Tim Pawlenty Primer

Tim Pawlenty is running for president. Watch Tim run. Run, Tim, run. Run run run.

He is Republican governor of Minnesota. What do Republican governors do? Fight Democrats. Watch Tim fight all the Democrats in Minnesota. Over anything. Fight, Tim, fight. Just say no, Tim. No no no.