Changes

The Winds of Change are blowing. First, Tea Partiers in the House of Representatives are going to do what they have never done: read something not written by Glenn Beck. In this case, the Constitution. They are going to do it to start this session of Congress. Of course, maybe they are hiring someone to read it, so they might not actually be reading it. But close enough.

Second, someone in the Obama administration actually criticized Republicans. Really. Said it would be insane of them to let the U.S. Default. Of course, that's not the same as calling them insane, but it's not a bad start. Can Obama keep this up? The suspense will be intense.

And the last thing we want to bring up: our favorite Supreme Court Justice Of All Time, A. Scalia, will be educating House members on the Constitution. He will be giving Michele Bachmann's colleagues in the Constitutional Tea Party Caucus To Save The Constitution And The American Way Of Life From Atheists, Scientists, EPA Bureaucrats, and Liberals, or whatever she's calling her group, important insights into the Constitution, ones that they might not have gotten just from reading it during the opening House session.

And here's what's really exciting: We were lucky enough to find in the trash a copy of A. Scalia's draft notes for this important talk. Really!! That's another big change this New Year has brought: we actually got up, went outside, looked around and found something important to write about.

Of course, some of Scalia's notes were torn and others were covered with food stains, so we can't reproduce these draft notes with complete accuracy. But we think we came close. We used the best methods known to reproduce these and believe in our heart of hearts that the following is what Scalia actually wrote in his draft.

We are very proud to print them here. We all can learn from this learned judge. So read it, think about it, and act accordingly.


SPEECH TO CONSTITUTIONAL CAUCUS SCHOLARS ON CONSTITUTIONALITY OF CONSTITUTION, ETC.
by Anton Scalia,


PERSONAL THOUGHTS ON CONSTITUTION
What is constitutional? What makes something constitutional?
Judges do. Judges get paid very well to do this. It makes us important. It's why we are called “judges.” Man judges, that is. Important to stress that. Constitution does not mention women. Screw Kagan. Why doesn't she have kids? And Sotomayor . . . I still can't pronounce her name.
Why wasn't I appointed Chief Justice. Should I bring that up? I'm the man. Damn frat boy president. I should have laughed at his fart jokes way back in the 90s, when his dad was prez. That's why I'm not Chief Justice. How was I to know he'd get so far? Should've laughed at his fart jokes. Damn. I hated frat boys in college. Still hate em, even if they do get to be prez.

HOW DO YOU WRITE A CONSTITUTIONAL LAW?
Make it short. Short is good. Easier for judges to figure out and understand long things. Or remember what was on page 1084 or whatever. Roberts and Alito are always missing things on any page after 10. They can't keep up. Damn pretty boys, not an original thought in their heads. Their eyes glaze over as soon as lawyers start using those Latin terms. Or big words. They hate big words. In fact, most judges do and just use them because people expect it. But we hate them.
So keep laws short and use small words.

WHAT ABOUT THE INCOME TAX?
Is income tax constitutional? Everyone wants to know this. Is the 16th amendment constitutional? The original constitution didn't let you tax income the way we do now. We should go back to that.
Why should an amendment take precedence over the original Constitution? That doesn't seem right. The founders wrote the original, not the amendment. Shouldn't we honor that?
Plus: tax discrimination comes into play. We don't give equal protection to different rates of pay. Do we want to live in a world where discrimination is OK, even discrimination against billionaires? I don't know if I do. Equal protection for high income tax payers -- I hope to make that happen. Damn. I'm the man.

THE PROBLEM OF WOMEN
We have to man up and face this. Women aren't special, why treat them special? If you stop and think about it, there's one reason and one reason only: we're thinking with our Johnsons. Nothing says they get equal protection, not even the equal protection clause. It never says “Women” in it; it doesn't say “all women are created equal” in the Constitution, either, so why does everyone think they are special?
It's onerous, that's what it is. A burden on good people everywhere to have to put up with women at work, play, school, even the bench here. Sotomayor never shuts up. Maybe some of you have noticed that. I can barely get a word in!

IS CONSTITUTION ACTUALLY CONSTITUTIONAL?
Really important point here, one my whole career is building toward: is the constitution itself unconstitutional? I've been waiting for something like the Tea Party for help here. Bring me a case and let's call it unconstitutional and start over. I'm sick of doing it bit by bit. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not getting any younger. So let's go after it and really make liberals mad. There goes their free speech, their separation of church and state, their voters' rights, equal protection, clean air and water, everything. I can't wait! Bring me the case!!
Hey, there aren't any reporters here, are there? I better make sure. Can't let this get out before I'm ready.

The NEW IMPROVED U.S. Constitution!

It's been a long, hot summer, made hotter by all the people who don't understand the U.S. Constitution. So to avoid all this strife in future years, The New and Improved U.S. Constitution is now in force. It will guarantee an end to all these pointless discussions on things like religious freedom, torture, and same-sex marriage that just waste our time and keep us from taking our country back from those who have made it into a European, Muslim suburb.

So, coming soon to a courthouse and school near you is:


The New and Improved U.S. Constitution (YAY!!)

We the REAL Americans, in order to form a more perfect union (“Perfect Union” by definition outlaws labor, teachers', government employees', or same-sex unions under this new and improved constitution) establish justice for all REAL Americans, promote the welfare for those who truly DESERVE it (and can prove they deserve it by showing pay stubs, tax forms and a bona fide birth certificate), and secure the blessings of liberty for us, our kids and neighbors (who were born in the U.S. of A. of REAL America mothers, not some foreign woman here on vacation or here working illegally).

Section 1: Congress can only pass laws that meet common sense, which is a law that is no more than two pages in length and comprised of words no longer than six letters. That means: no Cap and Trade, no Health Insurance Reform, no Bank Reform, no Campaign Finance Reform, and no Helmet Laws!

Section 2: If any law passes that isn't common sensical and a REAL American (which by definition is someone born herein the U.S. of A. of a REAL American mother) doesn't like it, immediate elections will be held for all those who voted for it. If not enough bums are thrown out in said election, new representatives shall be appointed by a board of respected Tea Partiers who are appointed to one year terms annually at the annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention.

Section 3: Taxes can only be cut, never increased.

Section 4: Corporations are people, too, and have one vote per each million dollars in profits.

Section 5: Only REAL Americans can run for president. No Kenyan can be president. If one is elected accidentally, a new election will be immediately held with all Kenyans removed from the ballot.

Section 6: The judicial branch shall consist of non-activist judges who have displayed in their writings and lives a keen interest and understanding in taking the country back from those who have made it unrecognizable. Judges with more than six children shall be given preference in appointments and salaries.

Section 7: Praying loudly is allowed in schools.

Section 8: Evolution and sex education aren't.

Section 9: In the interests of maintaining a well-regulated and well-prepared militia, everyone will be required to own three guns and two boxes of ammo for each.

Section 10: Only those born in the U.S. of REAL Americans can be citizens. All others will need to go to the closest immigration office and apply and learn all about how great we are.

Section 11: Tofurkey cannot be served on Thanksgiving, Christmas or Indepence Day but it can be served on lesser holidays.

Section 12: This document can be changed only at the annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention and only by a majority vote. The Annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention will be held each year on the weekend after Independence Day and lots of fireworks will be lit.

The long and incredibly sordid history of ACORN (according to Glenn Beck)

1928: Association of Communist Organizations forms to raise funds for the new international labor organization REVOLUTION NOW! The two organizations are committed to building camps worldwide where communists and union thugs will be secretly trained to defeat capitalism. George Soros's grandfather is seen smoking dope and consorting with prostitutes at a camp built high in Mexico's Sierre Madre mountains where vacationing capitalists are kidnapped, held for ransom and regularly flogged by campers.
1935: REVOLUTION NOW! is dismantled and its members are hired by the newly formed United Auto Workers. Applicants were told by ACO to lie on their applications just so they would be comfortable lying. This ability to lie became the trademark of ACO as it slowly evolved into ACORN.