Q: I agree with the DOHD’s insistence that English should be the language of everyone that lives in this country. So I am uncomfortable with my children having to learn another language in school. If they are forced to take French, I worry they will start talking only in French and then start behaving like French people – like joining unions, demanding free health care, and taking naps during the afternoons. If there is no way I can stop my child from having to learn another language, is there one language that is better and safer to learn than another?
A: DOHD is adamant that English be the first and preferred language of the Homeland. If you wish to speak another language, you are absolutely free to go live in the country where that language is spoken. That’s what makes our Homeland such a great place.
DOHD intends to sponsor an “I Only Talk English” bill that will require all citizens of the Homeland to speak English at all times, even in their own homes. The bill will also relieve all those agencies/businesses – governmental and private – of the burden of having to cater to non-English-speaking residents. It will also put an end to multi-lingual instruction manuals.
You are right to be concerned about your child being forced to learn a foreign language. The rest of the world must become accustomed to the idea that the Homeland is still the leader of all that is moral and decent. Until things change, schools can still require your children to take a second language. You may not have a choice in the language they study. If you are given a choice, try not to choose French – for obvious reasons that have been expressed many times in this handbook.
Q: What should I do about a neighbor who never buys anything new? While I am not against recycling (even though it seems like a liberal idea), isn’t it possible that too much recycling is not a good thing for the Homeland? My neighbor – who, by the way, has a good job and makes quite a bit of money – always buys used cars, shops at second-hand clothing and furniture stores and even brings back her grocery bags to the grocery store so they can be used again. What, if anything, should I do about this?
A: While recycling was probably started by liberals, we at DOHD have always been on board – until recently. Recycling cans, bottles and newspapers is fine. Buying used cars is dangerous. One reason our Homeland is strong is because we produce new things and people buy them. If people stop purchasing new things like SUVs, the backbone of our Homeland – large manufacturers – becomes brittle and weak. Without a strong backbone, the Homeland becomes prey to large foreign manufacturers with strange and unhealthy ideas about morality. You can see what a slippery slope this can be. If you buy a lot of used merchandise, people in other countries (like France where doing “it” is a normal part of the day, like drinking wine) start to look more stylish, drive better cars and sit on nicer couches than we do. A strong Homeland is a brand-spanking new and sparkly Homeland, not a rusty, threadbare Homeland. We suggest you continue to buy new things and make a point of showing off your new things to your neighbors. If you fail to impress them, we have ways of impressing them that, while maybe not legal, are relatively painless.
Please contact DOHD at info at homelanddecency.com with your questions. Together we can all march proudly backwards to our future!
". . . marching proudly back to the future . . . "
Showing posts with label Tea Party. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Tea Party. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
Changes
The Winds of Change are blowing. First, Tea Partiers in the House of Representatives are going to do what they have never done: read something not written by Glenn Beck. In this case, the Constitution. They are going to do it to start this session of Congress. Of course, maybe they are hiring someone to read it, so they might not actually be reading it. But close enough.
Second, someone in the Obama administration actually criticized Republicans. Really. Said it would be insane of them to let the U.S. Default. Of course, that's not the same as calling them insane, but it's not a bad start. Can Obama keep this up? The suspense will be intense.
And the last thing we want to bring up: our favorite Supreme Court Justice Of All Time, A. Scalia, will be educating House members on the Constitution. He will be giving Michele Bachmann's colleagues in the Constitutional Tea Party Caucus To Save The Constitution And The American Way Of Life From Atheists, Scientists, EPA Bureaucrats, and Liberals, or whatever she's calling her group, important insights into the Constitution, ones that they might not have gotten just from reading it during the opening House session.
And here's what's really exciting: We were lucky enough to find in the trash a copy of A. Scalia's draft notes for this important talk. Really!! That's another big change this New Year has brought: we actually got up, went outside, looked around and found something important to write about.
Of course, some of Scalia's notes were torn and others were covered with food stains, so we can't reproduce these draft notes with complete accuracy. But we think we came close. We used the best methods known to reproduce these and believe in our heart of hearts that the following is what Scalia actually wrote in his draft.
We are very proud to print them here. We all can learn from this learned judge. So read it, think about it, and act accordingly.
SPEECH TO CONSTITUTIONAL CAUCUS SCHOLARS ON CONSTITUTIONALITY OF CONSTITUTION, ETC.
by Anton Scalia,
PERSONAL THOUGHTS ON CONSTITUTION
What is constitutional? What makes something constitutional?
Judges do. Judges get paid very well to do this. It makes us important. It's why we are called “judges.” Man judges, that is. Important to stress that. Constitution does not mention women. Screw Kagan. Why doesn't she have kids? And Sotomayor . . . I still can't pronounce her name.
Why wasn't I appointed Chief Justice. Should I bring that up? I'm the man. Damn frat boy president. I should have laughed at his fart jokes way back in the 90s, when his dad was prez. That's why I'm not Chief Justice. How was I to know he'd get so far? Should've laughed at his fart jokes. Damn. I hated frat boys in college. Still hate em, even if they do get to be prez.
HOW DO YOU WRITE A CONSTITUTIONAL LAW?
Make it short. Short is good. Easier for judges to figure out and understand long things. Or remember what was on page 1084 or whatever. Roberts and Alito are always missing things on any page after 10. They can't keep up. Damn pretty boys, not an original thought in their heads. Their eyes glaze over as soon as lawyers start using those Latin terms. Or big words. They hate big words. In fact, most judges do and just use them because people expect it. But we hate them.
So keep laws short and use small words.
WHAT ABOUT THE INCOME TAX?
Is income tax constitutional? Everyone wants to know this. Is the 16th amendment constitutional? The original constitution didn't let you tax income the way we do now. We should go back to that.
Why should an amendment take precedence over the original Constitution? That doesn't seem right. The founders wrote the original, not the amendment. Shouldn't we honor that?
Plus: tax discrimination comes into play. We don't give equal protection to different rates of pay. Do we want to live in a world where discrimination is OK, even discrimination against billionaires? I don't know if I do. Equal protection for high income tax payers -- I hope to make that happen. Damn. I'm the man.
THE PROBLEM OF WOMEN
We have to man up and face this. Women aren't special, why treat them special? If you stop and think about it, there's one reason and one reason only: we're thinking with our Johnsons. Nothing says they get equal protection, not even the equal protection clause. It never says “Women” in it; it doesn't say “all women are created equal” in the Constitution, either, so why does everyone think they are special?
It's onerous, that's what it is. A burden on good people everywhere to have to put up with women at work, play, school, even the bench here. Sotomayor never shuts up. Maybe some of you have noticed that. I can barely get a word in!
IS CONSTITUTION ACTUALLY CONSTITUTIONAL?
Really important point here, one my whole career is building toward: is the constitution itself unconstitutional? I've been waiting for something like the Tea Party for help here. Bring me a case and let's call it unconstitutional and start over. I'm sick of doing it bit by bit. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not getting any younger. So let's go after it and really make liberals mad. There goes their free speech, their separation of church and state, their voters' rights, equal protection, clean air and water, everything. I can't wait! Bring me the case!!
Hey, there aren't any reporters here, are there? I better make sure. Can't let this get out before I'm ready.
Second, someone in the Obama administration actually criticized Republicans. Really. Said it would be insane of them to let the U.S. Default. Of course, that's not the same as calling them insane, but it's not a bad start. Can Obama keep this up? The suspense will be intense.
And the last thing we want to bring up: our favorite Supreme Court Justice Of All Time, A. Scalia, will be educating House members on the Constitution. He will be giving Michele Bachmann's colleagues in the Constitutional Tea Party Caucus To Save The Constitution And The American Way Of Life From Atheists, Scientists, EPA Bureaucrats, and Liberals, or whatever she's calling her group, important insights into the Constitution, ones that they might not have gotten just from reading it during the opening House session.
And here's what's really exciting: We were lucky enough to find in the trash a copy of A. Scalia's draft notes for this important talk. Really!! That's another big change this New Year has brought: we actually got up, went outside, looked around and found something important to write about.
Of course, some of Scalia's notes were torn and others were covered with food stains, so we can't reproduce these draft notes with complete accuracy. But we think we came close. We used the best methods known to reproduce these and believe in our heart of hearts that the following is what Scalia actually wrote in his draft.
We are very proud to print them here. We all can learn from this learned judge. So read it, think about it, and act accordingly.
SPEECH TO CONSTITUTIONAL CAUCUS SCHOLARS ON CONSTITUTIONALITY OF CONSTITUTION, ETC.
by Anton Scalia,
PERSONAL THOUGHTS ON CONSTITUTION
What is constitutional? What makes something constitutional?
Judges do. Judges get paid very well to do this. It makes us important. It's why we are called “judges.” Man judges, that is. Important to stress that. Constitution does not mention women. Screw Kagan. Why doesn't she have kids? And Sotomayor . . . I still can't pronounce her name.
Why wasn't I appointed Chief Justice. Should I bring that up? I'm the man. Damn frat boy president. I should have laughed at his fart jokes way back in the 90s, when his dad was prez. That's why I'm not Chief Justice. How was I to know he'd get so far? Should've laughed at his fart jokes. Damn. I hated frat boys in college. Still hate em, even if they do get to be prez.
HOW DO YOU WRITE A CONSTITUTIONAL LAW?
Make it short. Short is good. Easier for judges to figure out and understand long things. Or remember what was on page 1084 or whatever. Roberts and Alito are always missing things on any page after 10. They can't keep up. Damn pretty boys, not an original thought in their heads. Their eyes glaze over as soon as lawyers start using those Latin terms. Or big words. They hate big words. In fact, most judges do and just use them because people expect it. But we hate them.
So keep laws short and use small words.
WHAT ABOUT THE INCOME TAX?
Is income tax constitutional? Everyone wants to know this. Is the 16th amendment constitutional? The original constitution didn't let you tax income the way we do now. We should go back to that.
Why should an amendment take precedence over the original Constitution? That doesn't seem right. The founders wrote the original, not the amendment. Shouldn't we honor that?
Plus: tax discrimination comes into play. We don't give equal protection to different rates of pay. Do we want to live in a world where discrimination is OK, even discrimination against billionaires? I don't know if I do. Equal protection for high income tax payers -- I hope to make that happen. Damn. I'm the man.
THE PROBLEM OF WOMEN
We have to man up and face this. Women aren't special, why treat them special? If you stop and think about it, there's one reason and one reason only: we're thinking with our Johnsons. Nothing says they get equal protection, not even the equal protection clause. It never says “Women” in it; it doesn't say “all women are created equal” in the Constitution, either, so why does everyone think they are special?
It's onerous, that's what it is. A burden on good people everywhere to have to put up with women at work, play, school, even the bench here. Sotomayor never shuts up. Maybe some of you have noticed that. I can barely get a word in!
IS CONSTITUTION ACTUALLY CONSTITUTIONAL?
Really important point here, one my whole career is building toward: is the constitution itself unconstitutional? I've been waiting for something like the Tea Party for help here. Bring me a case and let's call it unconstitutional and start over. I'm sick of doing it bit by bit. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not getting any younger. So let's go after it and really make liberals mad. There goes their free speech, their separation of church and state, their voters' rights, equal protection, clean air and water, everything. I can't wait! Bring me the case!!
Hey, there aren't any reporters here, are there? I better make sure. Can't let this get out before I'm ready.
Monday, October 25, 2010
The Tea Party's first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest
Here is some great fun, courtesy of The Tea Party and our own Department of Homeland Decency! (Kids --you'll love this, too!!) We offer this as a courtesy to readers to help them understand what the next few years will be like.
Dear Great Americans Everywhere,
To celebrate our great moral victory in the November election, the newly formed Tea Party in conjunction with The Department of Homeland Decency's Office of Homeland Heresy is sponsoring its first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest!
Look around you. Who are the heretics in your neighborhood? Point them out to us and with your help, we will once again make America safe for the 19th century.
The rules for this contest are simple. Write in 50 words or less why your neighborhood heretic should be sent up the river. Do they stay home on Sunday morning when you go to church? Do they believe in global warming or the death tax? Do they think they are entitled to government riches? Do they want to tax the rich to pay for their sense of entitlement? Worst of all: Do they think we all come from apes?
Heresy can take many different forms, and the deeper you can develop your essay, the easier it will be for our analysts and judges to decide who deserves to go to prison. To help you start out, try to think of things heretics do or say that you don't want your kids to know about, even when they are 30 or 40 years old and have kids and jobs of their own.
To get things rolling, we had several of our good friends write short essays. We hope these give you a clear idea of how we, with your help, can once again make America safe for the 19th century.
Dear Office of Homeland Heresy,
A neighbor said at our neighborhood block party last summer that he thinks Al Franken is funny. Some children heard him talk about the books Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot and Stupid White Men and they cried all night. Nothing I said could make them understand why anyone would say such mean things. Please send Al Franken to prison for his obvious lack of virtue. Thank you.
Virtuously yours, Norm Coleman
Dear Homeland Heresy people,
I was shocked to discover that my girlfriend has to watch CNN at work just because her boss likes it. This is what I mean when I say liberals hate America. Send that boss to a prison where he has to listen to me and Bill and Sean and Oliver North and all the great American ditto-heads and that'll show him how great America is!
Sincerely, R. Limbaugh
Dear Homeland Heresy,
Canadians cook funny foods! And does anyone understand their English accent? I think they speak some French up there, too! I'd like you to investigate our Canadian neighbors and send them all away. Or shoot 'em. Whatever works best for you works for me.
Sincerely, Drudge
Dear Office of Homeland Heresy,
I miss GW Bush! I dream about him at night. I'm tired of peace signs in my neighbor's front yard. If Obama had been around in 1940, we'd all be speaking German. Or maybe Russian. The other day I saw a teenager down the street buy a condom. He'll never be a decent Christian. And let's not even talk about his teachers!
And those Arab-Canadians out there - aren't they just a combination of the worst of the worst?
I just can't make up my mind who to pick. Can we send them all to prison?
Sincerely, Michele Bachmann
PS: I'm going to burn up that peace sign down the street and you better not say anything about it.
Dear Office of Homeland Heresy,
Anita Hill. Get her to apologize!
Thank you.
Sincerely, Ginni Thomas
First prize in our first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest is something special: the winner gets a front row seat when we sentence their neighborhood heretic to that all-expense paid trip up the river.
Second and third prizes are equally special: DVDs of your neighborhood heretic being interrogated. When will they break? How much can they take before sobbing? Will they be a jittery mass of quivering blob within a week? You and your family can spend many nights enjoying these suspenseful views of how we get heretics to talk to us.
We also plan to give away about 100 consolation prizes, including front row seats for you and your whole family to any heresy trials in your neighborhood! The winners will be announced at a special edition of the No Spin Zone on Christmas Eve, hosted by Bill O'Reilly. There will be many surprise guests, including Tea Party favorites, Juan Williams, Norm Coleman, and our favorite: Joe the Plumber.
So send your essay off to us at The Office of Homeland Heresy. Just write that on the envelope and it will get to us, even without a stamp. That's how important it is to get this first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest out there. With your help, we will make America safe for the 17th century!
The family that has fun together, stays together. Learn more about family fun and how to raise decent children by ordering "Department of Homeland Decency: Decency Rules and Regulations Manual" from amazon.com and bookstores everywhere.
Dear Great Americans Everywhere,
To celebrate our great moral victory in the November election, the newly formed Tea Party in conjunction with The Department of Homeland Decency's Office of Homeland Heresy is sponsoring its first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest!
Look around you. Who are the heretics in your neighborhood? Point them out to us and with your help, we will once again make America safe for the 19th century.
The rules for this contest are simple. Write in 50 words or less why your neighborhood heretic should be sent up the river. Do they stay home on Sunday morning when you go to church? Do they believe in global warming or the death tax? Do they think they are entitled to government riches? Do they want to tax the rich to pay for their sense of entitlement? Worst of all: Do they think we all come from apes?
Heresy can take many different forms, and the deeper you can develop your essay, the easier it will be for our analysts and judges to decide who deserves to go to prison. To help you start out, try to think of things heretics do or say that you don't want your kids to know about, even when they are 30 or 40 years old and have kids and jobs of their own.
To get things rolling, we had several of our good friends write short essays. We hope these give you a clear idea of how we, with your help, can once again make America safe for the 19th century.
Dear Office of Homeland Heresy,
A neighbor said at our neighborhood block party last summer that he thinks Al Franken is funny. Some children heard him talk about the books Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot and Stupid White Men and they cried all night. Nothing I said could make them understand why anyone would say such mean things. Please send Al Franken to prison for his obvious lack of virtue. Thank you.
Virtuously yours, Norm Coleman
Dear Homeland Heresy people,
I was shocked to discover that my girlfriend has to watch CNN at work just because her boss likes it. This is what I mean when I say liberals hate America. Send that boss to a prison where he has to listen to me and Bill and Sean and Oliver North and all the great American ditto-heads and that'll show him how great America is!
Sincerely, R. Limbaugh
Dear Homeland Heresy,
Canadians cook funny foods! And does anyone understand their English accent? I think they speak some French up there, too! I'd like you to investigate our Canadian neighbors and send them all away. Or shoot 'em. Whatever works best for you works for me.
Sincerely, Drudge
Dear Office of Homeland Heresy,
I miss GW Bush! I dream about him at night. I'm tired of peace signs in my neighbor's front yard. If Obama had been around in 1940, we'd all be speaking German. Or maybe Russian. The other day I saw a teenager down the street buy a condom. He'll never be a decent Christian. And let's not even talk about his teachers!
And those Arab-Canadians out there - aren't they just a combination of the worst of the worst?
I just can't make up my mind who to pick. Can we send them all to prison?
Sincerely, Michele Bachmann
PS: I'm going to burn up that peace sign down the street and you better not say anything about it.
Dear Office of Homeland Heresy,
Anita Hill. Get her to apologize!
Thank you.
Sincerely, Ginni Thomas
First prize in our first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest is something special: the winner gets a front row seat when we sentence their neighborhood heretic to that all-expense paid trip up the river.
Second and third prizes are equally special: DVDs of your neighborhood heretic being interrogated. When will they break? How much can they take before sobbing? Will they be a jittery mass of quivering blob within a week? You and your family can spend many nights enjoying these suspenseful views of how we get heretics to talk to us.
We also plan to give away about 100 consolation prizes, including front row seats for you and your whole family to any heresy trials in your neighborhood! The winners will be announced at a special edition of the No Spin Zone on Christmas Eve, hosted by Bill O'Reilly. There will be many surprise guests, including Tea Party favorites, Juan Williams, Norm Coleman, and our favorite: Joe the Plumber.
So send your essay off to us at The Office of Homeland Heresy. Just write that on the envelope and it will get to us, even without a stamp. That's how important it is to get this first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest out there. With your help, we will make America safe for the 17th century!
The family that has fun together, stays together. Learn more about family fun and how to raise decent children by ordering "Department of Homeland Decency: Decency Rules and Regulations Manual" from amazon.com and bookstores everywhere.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
The Department of Homeland Decency Hero Of The Week
Carl Paladino, the New York candidate for Governor of New York, is this weeks Department of Homeland Decency Hero Of The Week. He represents everything we at the Department of Homeland Decency hold dear and in his short campaign he has taken on gays, Muslims, the media, and who knows what else. He is an inspiration to decent Homelanders everywhere.
We believe he agrees with our efforts to return decency to the bedroom. As we have always maintained, our Intelligent Designer designed “it” to be done by a Mommy and a Daddy, which is why the very intimate and private parts of Mommy and Daddy fit together perfectly when they do “it.” This is why they can finish “it” quickly and quietly without moaning or screaming and then get up and go about daily life as if nothing had happened.
On the other hand, if two Mommies do it together, or two Daddies, the parts don't fit, causing pain and anguish, which leads to moaning and screaming, bed squeaking, sweating, joint pain, falling property values, urban blight, STDs, cancer, and increased vulnerability to terrorist attack.
With people like Mr. Paladino on our side, we believe our vision of a better and more decent Homeland will soon come to pass. So, congratulations, Mr. Paladino. And good luck in New York!
We believe he agrees with our efforts to return decency to the bedroom. As we have always maintained, our Intelligent Designer designed “it” to be done by a Mommy and a Daddy, which is why the very intimate and private parts of Mommy and Daddy fit together perfectly when they do “it.” This is why they can finish “it” quickly and quietly without moaning or screaming and then get up and go about daily life as if nothing had happened.
On the other hand, if two Mommies do it together, or two Daddies, the parts don't fit, causing pain and anguish, which leads to moaning and screaming, bed squeaking, sweating, joint pain, falling property values, urban blight, STDs, cancer, and increased vulnerability to terrorist attack.
With people like Mr. Paladino on our side, we believe our vision of a better and more decent Homeland will soon come to pass. So, congratulations, Mr. Paladino. And good luck in New York!
Monday, August 23, 2010
HATEFEST 2010! A few more things Republicans could easily hate if they just their minds to it.
Republicans: You're not working hard enough! There are still many hateful things out there you are not foaming at the mouth over. Don't just sit there and expect others to do it! It's up to you to. Accept responsibility. If you work hard, yes, you can teach us all to hate and do it just as well as you do!
You need some examples to get yourself worked up so you can hate as well as other Republicans? Well, pick something, anything. Sidewalk sales, for instance. So far Republicans haven't expressed any strong hatred for Sidewalk Sales, but that doesn't mean they couldn't. Suppose Newt, the guy with the Ph.D. and all the great ideas, got up one day and said: “Who goes to sidewalk sales? What do they buy there? Did you know that Sidewalk Sales have roots in Arab markets? The shoe bomber bought his shoes at Arab markets.” Then Fox News starts investigating: “Terrorists buy phones and wires at Sidewalk Sales that blow up our troops.” Then McCain: “What's wrong with your local mall? Malls are American, run by Americans. Plus they have guards there to keep terrorists and other brown people out. People who go to Sidewalk Sales hate America.”
If you work hard and practice, you can learn to hate just about anything. Here's more stuff you could hate, if you just put in a good honest effort! (And just so everyone knows: there's still plenty of time between now and November to hate a lot more things. You're just going to have to work really really really hard at it. . . .)
Tofu Eaters. Mitt Romney, so afraid of being seen as a cultist Mormon liberal big government type, starts it off: “Tofueaters don't go to my Country Clubs. We eat steaks and chicken and good American foods at my Country Clubs!” Fox News sportscasters point out: “Brett Favre avoids tofu. And he doesn't let his lineman get near the stuff. That's why he's lasted so long. Who do you want defending you from some 350-pound defensive end: Some Ph.D. football player from Harvard who eats tofu? or someone from Oklahoma who eats raw steer meat for breakfast?” And finally Palin chirps in: “Obama loves tofu.”
Men With Cats. Cokie Roberts starts it off by pointing out: “A dog is a man's best friend. Cats are exotic and if you think about it, they are aloof like Obama. They act like they hate America.” Maureen Dowd displays her knowledge of men with cats: “Men with cats don't know how to load a gun. They don't want to know. If a burglar terrorist were breaking into your home to steal your TV and your daughter's honor, what's a man with a cat gonna do? Cook up some tofu for the terrorist burglar and negotiate? Men: Don't let your daughters fall for a man with a cat. I know. I've been there.”
Foreign Countries. Bill Kristol finally says it: “Let's just admit it: Foreign countries have no reason to exist except as another place for the U.S. to invade.” Steve Doocy expresses how poorly he was treated in foreign countries: “Have you ever been to one? First, you have to learn their language. Then you have to deal with their cabbies who are trying to cheat you out of a few pennies and try to get them to give you the right change. Then figure out their currency.” Gretchen Carlson gets really excited at this: “And have you ever eaten dinner in a foreign country? Those foreign chefs look down their noses at hamburgers and such.” David Brooks makes it sound intelligent: “Plus foreign countries are just sitting there taking up space and sitting on who knows how many billions – or even trillions – of dollars worth of resources. Someone should mine or harvest all that and then put to good use here in the Homeland.” Finally, Dick Cheney rises from the dead and says: “Liberals like to travel to foreign countries. That's why we hate all foreign countries. So, we need to invade all the foreign countries that we haven't yet invaded, convert everyone there to capitalism, take their good stuff, and then have a steak for dinner.”
Broccoli. Michele Bachmann, who probably never serves broccoli, says: “It's hard to spell. It's a vegetable. And it just leads to harder socialist stuff. If you serve it to your kids, before you know it they will be eating tofu!”
Old Thin Men. Rush Limbaugh starts this one off: “Who are they trying to impress? Do they think that because they are thin they will get more sex than all of us fat old men? There's nothing worse than getting on a plane, sitting across the aisle from an old thin man, and watching him eat. The bag of peanuts fills him up. Then he has a glass of water.” Mika Brezinski chimes in: “Have you ever noticed how thin old Muslim men are? Just something to think about . . .” And Michele Bachmann brings the hatred home: “And, by the way, have you noticed how thin our Muslim president is? Just thinking out loud here. . . .”
Bike lanes. Talk radio in any town is always on top of this issue: “They take up space that cars could use. They get in the way. Cyclists wear funny clothes. And they don't pay for that space. That's what Communists did. So give all that space to cars and keep bikes off the roads, on sidewalks or elsewhere. (And don't get me started on buses!!!!)”
You go, Republicans! Work on it. The rest of us are feeling left out.
You need some examples to get yourself worked up so you can hate as well as other Republicans? Well, pick something, anything. Sidewalk sales, for instance. So far Republicans haven't expressed any strong hatred for Sidewalk Sales, but that doesn't mean they couldn't. Suppose Newt, the guy with the Ph.D. and all the great ideas, got up one day and said: “Who goes to sidewalk sales? What do they buy there? Did you know that Sidewalk Sales have roots in Arab markets? The shoe bomber bought his shoes at Arab markets.” Then Fox News starts investigating: “Terrorists buy phones and wires at Sidewalk Sales that blow up our troops.” Then McCain: “What's wrong with your local mall? Malls are American, run by Americans. Plus they have guards there to keep terrorists and other brown people out. People who go to Sidewalk Sales hate America.”
If you work hard and practice, you can learn to hate just about anything. Here's more stuff you could hate, if you just put in a good honest effort! (And just so everyone knows: there's still plenty of time between now and November to hate a lot more things. You're just going to have to work really really really hard at it. . . .)
Tofu Eaters. Mitt Romney, so afraid of being seen as a cultist Mormon liberal big government type, starts it off: “Tofueaters don't go to my Country Clubs. We eat steaks and chicken and good American foods at my Country Clubs!” Fox News sportscasters point out: “Brett Favre avoids tofu. And he doesn't let his lineman get near the stuff. That's why he's lasted so long. Who do you want defending you from some 350-pound defensive end: Some Ph.D. football player from Harvard who eats tofu? or someone from Oklahoma who eats raw steer meat for breakfast?” And finally Palin chirps in: “Obama loves tofu.”
Men With Cats. Cokie Roberts starts it off by pointing out: “A dog is a man's best friend. Cats are exotic and if you think about it, they are aloof like Obama. They act like they hate America.” Maureen Dowd displays her knowledge of men with cats: “Men with cats don't know how to load a gun. They don't want to know. If a burglar terrorist were breaking into your home to steal your TV and your daughter's honor, what's a man with a cat gonna do? Cook up some tofu for the terrorist burglar and negotiate? Men: Don't let your daughters fall for a man with a cat. I know. I've been there.”
Foreign Countries. Bill Kristol finally says it: “Let's just admit it: Foreign countries have no reason to exist except as another place for the U.S. to invade.” Steve Doocy expresses how poorly he was treated in foreign countries: “Have you ever been to one? First, you have to learn their language. Then you have to deal with their cabbies who are trying to cheat you out of a few pennies and try to get them to give you the right change. Then figure out their currency.” Gretchen Carlson gets really excited at this: “And have you ever eaten dinner in a foreign country? Those foreign chefs look down their noses at hamburgers and such.” David Brooks makes it sound intelligent: “Plus foreign countries are just sitting there taking up space and sitting on who knows how many billions – or even trillions – of dollars worth of resources. Someone should mine or harvest all that and then put to good use here in the Homeland.” Finally, Dick Cheney rises from the dead and says: “Liberals like to travel to foreign countries. That's why we hate all foreign countries. So, we need to invade all the foreign countries that we haven't yet invaded, convert everyone there to capitalism, take their good stuff, and then have a steak for dinner.”
Broccoli. Michele Bachmann, who probably never serves broccoli, says: “It's hard to spell. It's a vegetable. And it just leads to harder socialist stuff. If you serve it to your kids, before you know it they will be eating tofu!”
Old Thin Men. Rush Limbaugh starts this one off: “Who are they trying to impress? Do they think that because they are thin they will get more sex than all of us fat old men? There's nothing worse than getting on a plane, sitting across the aisle from an old thin man, and watching him eat. The bag of peanuts fills him up. Then he has a glass of water.” Mika Brezinski chimes in: “Have you ever noticed how thin old Muslim men are? Just something to think about . . .” And Michele Bachmann brings the hatred home: “And, by the way, have you noticed how thin our Muslim president is? Just thinking out loud here. . . .”
Bike lanes. Talk radio in any town is always on top of this issue: “They take up space that cars could use. They get in the way. Cyclists wear funny clothes. And they don't pay for that space. That's what Communists did. So give all that space to cars and keep bikes off the roads, on sidewalks or elsewhere. (And don't get me started on buses!!!!)”
You go, Republicans! Work on it. The rest of us are feeling left out.
Monday, August 16, 2010
The NEW IMPROVED U.S. Constitution!
It's been a long, hot summer, made hotter by all the people who don't understand the U.S. Constitution. So to avoid all this strife in future years, The New and Improved U.S. Constitution is now in force. It will guarantee an end to all these pointless discussions on things like religious freedom, torture, and same-sex marriage that just waste our time and keep us from taking our country back from those who have made it into a European, Muslim suburb.
So, coming soon to a courthouse and school near you is:
The New and Improved U.S. Constitution (YAY!!)
We the REAL Americans, in order to form a more perfect union (“Perfect Union” by definition outlaws labor, teachers', government employees', or same-sex unions under this new and improved constitution) establish justice for all REAL Americans, promote the welfare for those who truly DESERVE it (and can prove they deserve it by showing pay stubs, tax forms and a bona fide birth certificate), and secure the blessings of liberty for us, our kids and neighbors (who were born in the U.S. of A. of REAL America mothers, not some foreign woman here on vacation or here working illegally).
Section 1: Congress can only pass laws that meet common sense, which is a law that is no more than two pages in length and comprised of words no longer than six letters. That means: no Cap and Trade, no Health Insurance Reform, no Bank Reform, no Campaign Finance Reform, and no Helmet Laws!
Section 2: If any law passes that isn't common sensical and a REAL American (which by definition is someone born herein the U.S. of A. of a REAL American mother) doesn't like it, immediate elections will be held for all those who voted for it. If not enough bums are thrown out in said election, new representatives shall be appointed by a board of respected Tea Partiers who are appointed to one year terms annually at the annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention.
Section 3: Taxes can only be cut, never increased.
Section 4: Corporations are people, too, and have one vote per each million dollars in profits.
Section 5: Only REAL Americans can run for president. No Kenyan can be president. If one is elected accidentally, a new election will be immediately held with all Kenyans removed from the ballot.
Section 6: The judicial branch shall consist of non-activist judges who have displayed in their writings and lives a keen interest and understanding in taking the country back from those who have made it unrecognizable. Judges with more than six children shall be given preference in appointments and salaries.
Section 7: Praying loudly is allowed in schools.
Section 8: Evolution and sex education aren't.
Section 9: In the interests of maintaining a well-regulated and well-prepared militia, everyone will be required to own three guns and two boxes of ammo for each.
Section 10: Only those born in the U.S. of REAL Americans can be citizens. All others will need to go to the closest immigration office and apply and learn all about how great we are.
Section 11: Tofurkey cannot be served on Thanksgiving, Christmas or Indepence Day but it can be served on lesser holidays.
Section 12: This document can be changed only at the annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention and only by a majority vote. The Annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention will be held each year on the weekend after Independence Day and lots of fireworks will be lit.
So, coming soon to a courthouse and school near you is:
We the REAL Americans, in order to form a more perfect union (“Perfect Union” by definition outlaws labor, teachers', government employees', or same-sex unions under this new and improved constitution) establish justice for all REAL Americans, promote the welfare for those who truly DESERVE it (and can prove they deserve it by showing pay stubs, tax forms and a bona fide birth certificate), and secure the blessings of liberty for us, our kids and neighbors (who were born in the U.S. of A. of REAL America mothers, not some foreign woman here on vacation or here working illegally).
Section 1: Congress can only pass laws that meet common sense, which is a law that is no more than two pages in length and comprised of words no longer than six letters. That means: no Cap and Trade, no Health Insurance Reform, no Bank Reform, no Campaign Finance Reform, and no Helmet Laws!
Section 2: If any law passes that isn't common sensical and a REAL American (which by definition is someone born herein the U.S. of A. of a REAL American mother) doesn't like it, immediate elections will be held for all those who voted for it. If not enough bums are thrown out in said election, new representatives shall be appointed by a board of respected Tea Partiers who are appointed to one year terms annually at the annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention.
Section 3: Taxes can only be cut, never increased.
Section 4: Corporations are people, too, and have one vote per each million dollars in profits.
Section 5: Only REAL Americans can run for president. No Kenyan can be president. If one is elected accidentally, a new election will be immediately held with all Kenyans removed from the ballot.
Section 6: The judicial branch shall consist of non-activist judges who have displayed in their writings and lives a keen interest and understanding in taking the country back from those who have made it unrecognizable. Judges with more than six children shall be given preference in appointments and salaries.
Section 7: Praying loudly is allowed in schools.
Section 8: Evolution and sex education aren't.
Section 9: In the interests of maintaining a well-regulated and well-prepared militia, everyone will be required to own three guns and two boxes of ammo for each.
Section 10: Only those born in the U.S. of REAL Americans can be citizens. All others will need to go to the closest immigration office and apply and learn all about how great we are.
Section 11: Tofurkey cannot be served on Thanksgiving, Christmas or Indepence Day but it can be served on lesser holidays.
Section 12: This document can be changed only at the annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention and only by a majority vote. The Annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention will be held each year on the weekend after Independence Day and lots of fireworks will be lit.
Monday, May 24, 2010
GUNS GOD AND BOOZE: what's the problem?
We found this in a local Tea Party newsletter. We reprint it here without any comment.
Hi everyone. Just wanted to shoot off (ha ha) a few rounds here to update you on what we're dong to bring freedom, guns and god to everyone, even those who say they don't want them.
ROUND ONE: We've told you last time about our new gun-giveaway program for schools; they give away condoms in schools, so why not guns? We liked the idea, because, well, guns are safe when used right, and condoms when used right are sinful and disgusting. Well, that one didn't go over so good, thanks to the usual secular socialist liberals who hate our freedoms and thought maybe it would be a better idea if we just donated some computers to the schools.
And then there was the guns-for-babies program that really excited us, where every legally married couple would get a nice pink little gun, the kind that gals love and want to carry with them to protect them when they are walking alone at night. But, again, commie socialist atheist pinkos said this was extremely politically incorrect and maybe it would be better if we just gave every couple a nice gift certificate to Baby Gap instead.
This just shows how hard it can be to be a good patriotic citizen. Our liberties are being taken from us and nobody seems to care and every time we come up with something to make things better, the PC police show up and tell us to go back to the drawing board and come up with something else. Idiots, all of them!
ROUND TWO: And what are our liberal commie activist judges doing? Well, they are hard to work giving every jihadist Tom Dick and Hussein their Miranda rights, a lawyer and probably a map to all our nuclear generators. And they force the rest of us real Americans to buy health insurance or pay big fines! When they kill your granny, they are going to send you the bill?
ROUND THREE: If God didn't want us to shoot each other, he would not have made some of us such good shots. God doesn't want you to waste what he gives you. He gives it to you for a reason. So he made some of us expert marksmen so the herd can be culled to celebrate his glory.
What that means is: those who can, do. Those who can't, well, they miss the target and then everyone sees that they are no good at much of anything. Then no one wants to marry them and have kids with them. So they get depressed and feel sorry for themselves. Then go do something dumb like vote for Democrats and Commies. It happens all the time.
But here's the good news: their chances of having kids and passing those anti-gun genes on to the next generation are next to nothing. I figure that in a couple more generations, all those genes will be gone and we'll have guns everywhere, even in pre-schoolers' backpacks. I just wish I could be there to see it!
ROUND FOUR: God likes guns and he wants all of us to own a few and carry them wherever we go.
We know this because up where they found Noah's Ark up there in Turkey, they found some other important things. (There haven't been too many reports about this because of the atheists who run the media in our country.) What they left out, because it scares them: there was a draft of the 10 Commandments that mentioned guns up there! Of course, there were no guns way back then then, which makes you wonder why this was in the 10 Commandments and if it is real. But think of it this way: God likes guns so much that he was dropping hints way back then about them so that when they were around, we would know they came from God, just like freedom.
In fact, guns are freedom. They are a part of liberty and freedom and justice that God wanted us to have. That's why this commandment almost ended up as one of the 10. It read: “Thou shalt not have any trigger locks or any other impediments on thy guns, lest the intruders who fall upon your house and home in the darkness have time to draw upon thee and harm thee and thine before thou can gettest thy gun and shoot the aforesaid perpetrators of thuggery.” It's kind of a long commandment, too, so it's probably better that it was left out. But, still, doesn't that mean that government should keep its hands off our guns?
It just goes to show you, God really likes guns.
PAYOFF ROUND: What's wrong with carrying guns into bars? I know, I know, it's a touchy-feely thing with the above mentioned commies and liberals that real Americans can't handle guns when we've had a few. Well, I just want to say that I have been shooting guns my whole life, and I've been drinking my whole life, too. And I have all my toes, fingers, ears, legs, arms, etc., except for one thumb, but that was a gun-cleaning accident, not a booze and guns accident. And I have all my family members, except for my favorite dog that ran off into the woods where we were shooting at shadows and, well, maybe that old hound was one of the shadows. But we know we aren't angels. We like our booze and we like our guns. And we like the two of them together even more.
That's it for now. I gotta go reload and I'll shoot off a few more rounds when I'm ready.
Hi everyone. Just wanted to shoot off (ha ha) a few rounds here to update you on what we're dong to bring freedom, guns and god to everyone, even those who say they don't want them.
ROUND ONE: We've told you last time about our new gun-giveaway program for schools; they give away condoms in schools, so why not guns? We liked the idea, because, well, guns are safe when used right, and condoms when used right are sinful and disgusting. Well, that one didn't go over so good, thanks to the usual secular socialist liberals who hate our freedoms and thought maybe it would be a better idea if we just donated some computers to the schools.
And then there was the guns-for-babies program that really excited us, where every legally married couple would get a nice pink little gun, the kind that gals love and want to carry with them to protect them when they are walking alone at night. But, again, commie socialist atheist pinkos said this was extremely politically incorrect and maybe it would be better if we just gave every couple a nice gift certificate to Baby Gap instead.
This just shows how hard it can be to be a good patriotic citizen. Our liberties are being taken from us and nobody seems to care and every time we come up with something to make things better, the PC police show up and tell us to go back to the drawing board and come up with something else. Idiots, all of them!
ROUND TWO: And what are our liberal commie activist judges doing? Well, they are hard to work giving every jihadist Tom Dick and Hussein their Miranda rights, a lawyer and probably a map to all our nuclear generators. And they force the rest of us real Americans to buy health insurance or pay big fines! When they kill your granny, they are going to send you the bill?
ROUND THREE: If God didn't want us to shoot each other, he would not have made some of us such good shots. God doesn't want you to waste what he gives you. He gives it to you for a reason. So he made some of us expert marksmen so the herd can be culled to celebrate his glory.
What that means is: those who can, do. Those who can't, well, they miss the target and then everyone sees that they are no good at much of anything. Then no one wants to marry them and have kids with them. So they get depressed and feel sorry for themselves. Then go do something dumb like vote for Democrats and Commies. It happens all the time.
But here's the good news: their chances of having kids and passing those anti-gun genes on to the next generation are next to nothing. I figure that in a couple more generations, all those genes will be gone and we'll have guns everywhere, even in pre-schoolers' backpacks. I just wish I could be there to see it!
ROUND FOUR: God likes guns and he wants all of us to own a few and carry them wherever we go.
We know this because up where they found Noah's Ark up there in Turkey, they found some other important things. (There haven't been too many reports about this because of the atheists who run the media in our country.) What they left out, because it scares them: there was a draft of the 10 Commandments that mentioned guns up there! Of course, there were no guns way back then then, which makes you wonder why this was in the 10 Commandments and if it is real. But think of it this way: God likes guns so much that he was dropping hints way back then about them so that when they were around, we would know they came from God, just like freedom.
In fact, guns are freedom. They are a part of liberty and freedom and justice that God wanted us to have. That's why this commandment almost ended up as one of the 10. It read: “Thou shalt not have any trigger locks or any other impediments on thy guns, lest the intruders who fall upon your house and home in the darkness have time to draw upon thee and harm thee and thine before thou can gettest thy gun and shoot the aforesaid perpetrators of thuggery.” It's kind of a long commandment, too, so it's probably better that it was left out. But, still, doesn't that mean that government should keep its hands off our guns?
It just goes to show you, God really likes guns.
PAYOFF ROUND: What's wrong with carrying guns into bars? I know, I know, it's a touchy-feely thing with the above mentioned commies and liberals that real Americans can't handle guns when we've had a few. Well, I just want to say that I have been shooting guns my whole life, and I've been drinking my whole life, too. And I have all my toes, fingers, ears, legs, arms, etc., except for one thumb, but that was a gun-cleaning accident, not a booze and guns accident. And I have all my family members, except for my favorite dog that ran off into the woods where we were shooting at shadows and, well, maybe that old hound was one of the shadows. But we know we aren't angels. We like our booze and we like our guns. And we like the two of them together even more.
That's it for now. I gotta go reload and I'll shoot off a few more rounds when I'm ready.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Are You Smarter Than A Texas 5th Grader?
The Texas 5th grader is the new standard of excellence in Homeland edication now that the Texas Board of Edication has rewritten the curriculum for Texas schools.
Gone are historical figures like Thomas Jefferson. (He apparently irritated Texans by coining the phrase “separation of church and state” so they dumped him.) Instead of larnin' about him, they will larn about other historical figures like Phyllis Schlafly (huh?). And the National Rifle Association. Also out of the curriculum: the word “capitalism.” It's being replaced in Texas with the term “free enterprise system” in all the textbooks. (So take that, all you capitalist pigs out there! Even Texas hates you!)
And, by the way, the Homeland is a Christian nation. And Sen. Joe McCarthy was right; the U.S. Government was filled with Commies and he would've rooted them all out and sent them to Kingdom Come, except that liberals and atheists and all the usual suspects who hate America stopped him. That's what they'll be larnin' down in Texas school houses in the 21st century.
Unfortunately, since Texas purchases so many textbooks, textbook publishers ship the same textbooks with the same larnin' to other states. So we'll all be larnin' that personal responsibility is the only surefire way not to get pregnant. (But you already knew, didn't you? And that condoms can explode for no reason at all?)
So, are you smarter than a Texas 5th grader? Take the following quiz, which is based on our understanding of these new and important curriculum standards, and find out.
(Answers are either True or False and are provided at the bottom of the page.)
SCIENCE
Adam and Eve had a pet dinosaur named Princess.
Men who are weak and effeminate had moms who were feminists.
Abstinence education works because the horrors of sex before marriage are fully explained.
The world is too big to run out of oil.
GUNS
Nowhere in the Second Amendment does the term “Separation of Church and State” appear
The right to bear arms is why the Homeland is the greatest place ever in the world.
The Second Amendment was originally the First Amendment, but the liberal media and Hollywood didn't want guns to come before free speech or the right of assembly because they hate America.
HISTORY
We lost in Vietnam because women in the 60s were all feminists who would only date men who got in touch with their feelings.
Men in touch with their feelings can't shoot straight.
Sen. Joe McCarthy was destroyed by a cabal of liberals and secular humanists who hate America.
The Homeland's founding fathers didn't want a government that taxed their Big Macs, soft drinks or health care plans.
The 40s and 50s were great for the Homeland because everyone worked hard and those who didn't didn't eat.
The 60s was a sad time for the Homeland because God was kicked out of schools.
The answers are below. So are you smarter than a Texas 5th grader? If you aren't, don't worry. You can study, work hard and apply yourself. (Which you should be doing anyway.)
By the way, if you are at work or school reading this, that's why you're not smarter than a Texas 5th grader (and may never be). They're not reading this. They probably don't have computers in Texas, either. They're all at home or school, reading the Bible and larnin' all about science. Then they'll graduate and get your job. Then they'll be your boss. Then they'll fire you for being so ignorant. And then they'll be everywhere!
(Uh oh. we're in trouble, too. Quick, help us out here . . . what's the answer to the first question again?)
Answers: all true.
Gone are historical figures like Thomas Jefferson. (He apparently irritated Texans by coining the phrase “separation of church and state” so they dumped him.) Instead of larnin' about him, they will larn about other historical figures like Phyllis Schlafly (huh?). And the National Rifle Association. Also out of the curriculum: the word “capitalism.” It's being replaced in Texas with the term “free enterprise system” in all the textbooks. (So take that, all you capitalist pigs out there! Even Texas hates you!)
And, by the way, the Homeland is a Christian nation. And Sen. Joe McCarthy was right; the U.S. Government was filled with Commies and he would've rooted them all out and sent them to Kingdom Come, except that liberals and atheists and all the usual suspects who hate America stopped him. That's what they'll be larnin' down in Texas school houses in the 21st century.
Unfortunately, since Texas purchases so many textbooks, textbook publishers ship the same textbooks with the same larnin' to other states. So we'll all be larnin' that personal responsibility is the only surefire way not to get pregnant. (But you already knew, didn't you? And that condoms can explode for no reason at all?)
So, are you smarter than a Texas 5th grader? Take the following quiz, which is based on our understanding of these new and important curriculum standards, and find out.
(Answers are either True or False and are provided at the bottom of the page.)
Adam and Eve had a pet dinosaur named Princess.
Men who are weak and effeminate had moms who were feminists.
Abstinence education works because the horrors of sex before marriage are fully explained.
The world is too big to run out of oil.
Nowhere in the Second Amendment does the term “Separation of Church and State” appear
The right to bear arms is why the Homeland is the greatest place ever in the world.
The Second Amendment was originally the First Amendment, but the liberal media and Hollywood didn't want guns to come before free speech or the right of assembly because they hate America.
We lost in Vietnam because women in the 60s were all feminists who would only date men who got in touch with their feelings.
Men in touch with their feelings can't shoot straight.
Sen. Joe McCarthy was destroyed by a cabal of liberals and secular humanists who hate America.
The Homeland's founding fathers didn't want a government that taxed their Big Macs, soft drinks or health care plans.
The 40s and 50s were great for the Homeland because everyone worked hard and those who didn't didn't eat.
The 60s was a sad time for the Homeland because God was kicked out of schools.
The answers are below. So are you smarter than a Texas 5th grader? If you aren't, don't worry. You can study, work hard and apply yourself. (Which you should be doing anyway.)
By the way, if you are at work or school reading this, that's why you're not smarter than a Texas 5th grader (and may never be). They're not reading this. They probably don't have computers in Texas, either. They're all at home or school, reading the Bible and larnin' all about science. Then they'll graduate and get your job. Then they'll be your boss. Then they'll fire you for being so ignorant. And then they'll be everywhere!
(Uh oh. we're in trouble, too. Quick, help us out here . . . what's the answer to the first question again?)
Answers: all true.
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