The 10th anniversary of 9/11 has come and gone. And while The Department of Homeland Decency is pleased with how much more decent the Homeland became in the years following 9/11, much still has to be done. For instance, we have not yet claimed a complete victory in protecting traditional marriage from those who would make it indecent and perverse; there are still activist judges out there letting anyone marry anyone! Nor can we state that our schools are back to teaching just the facts; they still teach that we come from apes, they don't allow prayer, and some teachers actively recruit kids to gayness! So we still have much to do in our proud march backwards to our future.
No doubt you want to know what you can do to help. There are many things, but here are a few to get you started. Feel free to contact us and let us know anything else you may be doing for the cause of Homeland decency.
Make a 9/11 resolution. We do it on New Years. Why not for 9/11? Are the 10 Commandments in front of your State Capitol? If not, why haven't you done something to put them there? Are you represented in Congress by a liberal? Or by a woman? Or by a (children should read no further) homosexual? You must resolve to help correct these things; that's how we will find our way back to the future.
Eat more meat. Most Homelanders take meat for granted, but it is an important part of our Homeland tradition. It's what the pioneers who tamed this great land ate, and we honor them by eating more meat in one sitting than they ever imagined possible. Meat gave them strength and character. So if you are trying to decide whether to have meat or vegetables for dinner tonight, think about this: If your life or the life or your children depended on a decent, god-fearing Homelander fighting an indecent terrorist to the death in an airplane spiraling out of control because the terrorists shot the pilot, who do you want in that fight? A meat-eating, SUV-driving, Fox News-watching Homelander? Or a vegan who drives a hybrid and quotes NPR? Eat more meat! It's what decent people do.
Report a neighbor. We are always happy when a Homelander reports another Homelander; it tells us you are alert and aware of the dangers of indecency in the Homeland. Does a neighbor subscribe to Mother Jones or belong to Public Television? Do they argue late at night about civil liberties? What's in their recycling bins? We need to know. Report these or any other suspicious activities today and help us march proudly back to our future!
Buy our “Condoms Can Explode” refrigerator magnet and put in on your refrigerator at work. The Department of Homeland Decency has a full line of refrigerator magnets that everyone should have on their refrigerator. Some of our favorites are: “Be wary of folks who visit France too often;” “Aggressive women who initiate 'it' make men nervous;” and “Poets who don't rhyme should go back to where they came from.” These magnets provide a daily reminder of what is important and decent and why so many have gone to war to protect our way of life. So put this magnet up at work and save a young woman from a life ruined by indecency. Someday she will thank you.
Rent a big SUV and tailgate a hybrid. Remember how decent the Homeland was when everyone drove gas guzzlers? The bigger the engine, the better. Homelanders scoffed at electric cars. So tailgate that hybrid. Flash your lights. Rev your engine. Let that indecent hybrid owner know what the score is. And don't walk to the grocery store for that bottle of milk your forgot. Drive a big car there. And then leave it idling while you run into the store.
Finally, write your Congressman and tell them to make the poor pay more in taxes. No one ever became decent by taking handouts. That just makes them want to stay home and watch TV which leads to hedonism, liberalism, atheism and anti-Americanism. On the other hand, if they pay more in taxes, they will have to get a second job (or maybe just a first!). That will keep them busy, too busy to be indecent.
As always, it helps to buy The Department of Homeland Decency's Rules and Regulations Manual for you, your family and your friends. It's the only way you can be sure you truly understand 9/11 and remain a decent and pure Homelander.
". . . marching proudly back to the future . . . "
Showing posts with label department of homeland decency. Show all posts
Showing posts with label department of homeland decency. Show all posts
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
DOHD answers your questions
Q: I agree with the DOHD’s insistence that English should be the language of everyone that lives in this country. So I am uncomfortable with my children having to learn another language in school. If they are forced to take French, I worry they will start talking only in French and then start behaving like French people – like joining unions, demanding free health care, and taking naps during the afternoons. If there is no way I can stop my child from having to learn another language, is there one language that is better and safer to learn than another?
A: DOHD is adamant that English be the first and preferred language of the Homeland. If you wish to speak another language, you are absolutely free to go live in the country where that language is spoken. That’s what makes our Homeland such a great place.
DOHD intends to sponsor an “I Only Talk English” bill that will require all citizens of the Homeland to speak English at all times, even in their own homes. The bill will also relieve all those agencies/businesses – governmental and private – of the burden of having to cater to non-English-speaking residents. It will also put an end to multi-lingual instruction manuals.
You are right to be concerned about your child being forced to learn a foreign language. The rest of the world must become accustomed to the idea that the Homeland is still the leader of all that is moral and decent. Until things change, schools can still require your children to take a second language. You may not have a choice in the language they study. If you are given a choice, try not to choose French – for obvious reasons that have been expressed many times in this handbook.
Q: What should I do about a neighbor who never buys anything new? While I am not against recycling (even though it seems like a liberal idea), isn’t it possible that too much recycling is not a good thing for the Homeland? My neighbor – who, by the way, has a good job and makes quite a bit of money – always buys used cars, shops at second-hand clothing and furniture stores and even brings back her grocery bags to the grocery store so they can be used again. What, if anything, should I do about this?
A: While recycling was probably started by liberals, we at DOHD have always been on board – until recently. Recycling cans, bottles and newspapers is fine. Buying used cars is dangerous. One reason our Homeland is strong is because we produce new things and people buy them. If people stop purchasing new things like SUVs, the backbone of our Homeland – large manufacturers – becomes brittle and weak. Without a strong backbone, the Homeland becomes prey to large foreign manufacturers with strange and unhealthy ideas about morality. You can see what a slippery slope this can be. If you buy a lot of used merchandise, people in other countries (like France where doing “it” is a normal part of the day, like drinking wine) start to look more stylish, drive better cars and sit on nicer couches than we do. A strong Homeland is a brand-spanking new and sparkly Homeland, not a rusty, threadbare Homeland. We suggest you continue to buy new things and make a point of showing off your new things to your neighbors. If you fail to impress them, we have ways of impressing them that, while maybe not legal, are relatively painless.
Please contact DOHD at info at homelanddecency.com with your questions. Together we can all march proudly backwards to our future!
A: DOHD is adamant that English be the first and preferred language of the Homeland. If you wish to speak another language, you are absolutely free to go live in the country where that language is spoken. That’s what makes our Homeland such a great place.
DOHD intends to sponsor an “I Only Talk English” bill that will require all citizens of the Homeland to speak English at all times, even in their own homes. The bill will also relieve all those agencies/businesses – governmental and private – of the burden of having to cater to non-English-speaking residents. It will also put an end to multi-lingual instruction manuals.
You are right to be concerned about your child being forced to learn a foreign language. The rest of the world must become accustomed to the idea that the Homeland is still the leader of all that is moral and decent. Until things change, schools can still require your children to take a second language. You may not have a choice in the language they study. If you are given a choice, try not to choose French – for obvious reasons that have been expressed many times in this handbook.
Q: What should I do about a neighbor who never buys anything new? While I am not against recycling (even though it seems like a liberal idea), isn’t it possible that too much recycling is not a good thing for the Homeland? My neighbor – who, by the way, has a good job and makes quite a bit of money – always buys used cars, shops at second-hand clothing and furniture stores and even brings back her grocery bags to the grocery store so they can be used again. What, if anything, should I do about this?
A: While recycling was probably started by liberals, we at DOHD have always been on board – until recently. Recycling cans, bottles and newspapers is fine. Buying used cars is dangerous. One reason our Homeland is strong is because we produce new things and people buy them. If people stop purchasing new things like SUVs, the backbone of our Homeland – large manufacturers – becomes brittle and weak. Without a strong backbone, the Homeland becomes prey to large foreign manufacturers with strange and unhealthy ideas about morality. You can see what a slippery slope this can be. If you buy a lot of used merchandise, people in other countries (like France where doing “it” is a normal part of the day, like drinking wine) start to look more stylish, drive better cars and sit on nicer couches than we do. A strong Homeland is a brand-spanking new and sparkly Homeland, not a rusty, threadbare Homeland. We suggest you continue to buy new things and make a point of showing off your new things to your neighbors. If you fail to impress them, we have ways of impressing them that, while maybe not legal, are relatively painless.
Please contact DOHD at info at homelanddecency.com with your questions. Together we can all march proudly backwards to our future!
Monday, October 25, 2010
The Tea Party's first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest
Here is some great fun, courtesy of The Tea Party and our own Department of Homeland Decency! (Kids --you'll love this, too!!) We offer this as a courtesy to readers to help them understand what the next few years will be like.
Dear Great Americans Everywhere,
To celebrate our great moral victory in the November election, the newly formed Tea Party in conjunction with The Department of Homeland Decency's Office of Homeland Heresy is sponsoring its first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest!
Look around you. Who are the heretics in your neighborhood? Point them out to us and with your help, we will once again make America safe for the 19th century.
The rules for this contest are simple. Write in 50 words or less why your neighborhood heretic should be sent up the river. Do they stay home on Sunday morning when you go to church? Do they believe in global warming or the death tax? Do they think they are entitled to government riches? Do they want to tax the rich to pay for their sense of entitlement? Worst of all: Do they think we all come from apes?
Heresy can take many different forms, and the deeper you can develop your essay, the easier it will be for our analysts and judges to decide who deserves to go to prison. To help you start out, try to think of things heretics do or say that you don't want your kids to know about, even when they are 30 or 40 years old and have kids and jobs of their own.
To get things rolling, we had several of our good friends write short essays. We hope these give you a clear idea of how we, with your help, can once again make America safe for the 19th century.
Dear Office of Homeland Heresy,
A neighbor said at our neighborhood block party last summer that he thinks Al Franken is funny. Some children heard him talk about the books Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot and Stupid White Men and they cried all night. Nothing I said could make them understand why anyone would say such mean things. Please send Al Franken to prison for his obvious lack of virtue. Thank you.
Virtuously yours, Norm Coleman
Dear Homeland Heresy people,
I was shocked to discover that my girlfriend has to watch CNN at work just because her boss likes it. This is what I mean when I say liberals hate America. Send that boss to a prison where he has to listen to me and Bill and Sean and Oliver North and all the great American ditto-heads and that'll show him how great America is!
Sincerely, R. Limbaugh
Dear Homeland Heresy,
Canadians cook funny foods! And does anyone understand their English accent? I think they speak some French up there, too! I'd like you to investigate our Canadian neighbors and send them all away. Or shoot 'em. Whatever works best for you works for me.
Sincerely, Drudge
Dear Office of Homeland Heresy,
I miss GW Bush! I dream about him at night. I'm tired of peace signs in my neighbor's front yard. If Obama had been around in 1940, we'd all be speaking German. Or maybe Russian. The other day I saw a teenager down the street buy a condom. He'll never be a decent Christian. And let's not even talk about his teachers!
And those Arab-Canadians out there - aren't they just a combination of the worst of the worst?
I just can't make up my mind who to pick. Can we send them all to prison?
Sincerely, Michele Bachmann
PS: I'm going to burn up that peace sign down the street and you better not say anything about it.
Dear Office of Homeland Heresy,
Anita Hill. Get her to apologize!
Thank you.
Sincerely, Ginni Thomas
First prize in our first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest is something special: the winner gets a front row seat when we sentence their neighborhood heretic to that all-expense paid trip up the river.
Second and third prizes are equally special: DVDs of your neighborhood heretic being interrogated. When will they break? How much can they take before sobbing? Will they be a jittery mass of quivering blob within a week? You and your family can spend many nights enjoying these suspenseful views of how we get heretics to talk to us.
We also plan to give away about 100 consolation prizes, including front row seats for you and your whole family to any heresy trials in your neighborhood! The winners will be announced at a special edition of the No Spin Zone on Christmas Eve, hosted by Bill O'Reilly. There will be many surprise guests, including Tea Party favorites, Juan Williams, Norm Coleman, and our favorite: Joe the Plumber.
So send your essay off to us at The Office of Homeland Heresy. Just write that on the envelope and it will get to us, even without a stamp. That's how important it is to get this first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest out there. With your help, we will make America safe for the 17th century!
The family that has fun together, stays together. Learn more about family fun and how to raise decent children by ordering "Department of Homeland Decency: Decency Rules and Regulations Manual" from amazon.com and bookstores everywhere.
Dear Great Americans Everywhere,
To celebrate our great moral victory in the November election, the newly formed Tea Party in conjunction with The Department of Homeland Decency's Office of Homeland Heresy is sponsoring its first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest!
Look around you. Who are the heretics in your neighborhood? Point them out to us and with your help, we will once again make America safe for the 19th century.
The rules for this contest are simple. Write in 50 words or less why your neighborhood heretic should be sent up the river. Do they stay home on Sunday morning when you go to church? Do they believe in global warming or the death tax? Do they think they are entitled to government riches? Do they want to tax the rich to pay for their sense of entitlement? Worst of all: Do they think we all come from apes?
Heresy can take many different forms, and the deeper you can develop your essay, the easier it will be for our analysts and judges to decide who deserves to go to prison. To help you start out, try to think of things heretics do or say that you don't want your kids to know about, even when they are 30 or 40 years old and have kids and jobs of their own.
To get things rolling, we had several of our good friends write short essays. We hope these give you a clear idea of how we, with your help, can once again make America safe for the 19th century.
Dear Office of Homeland Heresy,
A neighbor said at our neighborhood block party last summer that he thinks Al Franken is funny. Some children heard him talk about the books Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot and Stupid White Men and they cried all night. Nothing I said could make them understand why anyone would say such mean things. Please send Al Franken to prison for his obvious lack of virtue. Thank you.
Virtuously yours, Norm Coleman
Dear Homeland Heresy people,
I was shocked to discover that my girlfriend has to watch CNN at work just because her boss likes it. This is what I mean when I say liberals hate America. Send that boss to a prison where he has to listen to me and Bill and Sean and Oliver North and all the great American ditto-heads and that'll show him how great America is!
Sincerely, R. Limbaugh
Dear Homeland Heresy,
Canadians cook funny foods! And does anyone understand their English accent? I think they speak some French up there, too! I'd like you to investigate our Canadian neighbors and send them all away. Or shoot 'em. Whatever works best for you works for me.
Sincerely, Drudge
Dear Office of Homeland Heresy,
I miss GW Bush! I dream about him at night. I'm tired of peace signs in my neighbor's front yard. If Obama had been around in 1940, we'd all be speaking German. Or maybe Russian. The other day I saw a teenager down the street buy a condom. He'll never be a decent Christian. And let's not even talk about his teachers!
And those Arab-Canadians out there - aren't they just a combination of the worst of the worst?
I just can't make up my mind who to pick. Can we send them all to prison?
Sincerely, Michele Bachmann
PS: I'm going to burn up that peace sign down the street and you better not say anything about it.
Dear Office of Homeland Heresy,
Anita Hill. Get her to apologize!
Thank you.
Sincerely, Ginni Thomas
First prize in our first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest is something special: the winner gets a front row seat when we sentence their neighborhood heretic to that all-expense paid trip up the river.
Second and third prizes are equally special: DVDs of your neighborhood heretic being interrogated. When will they break? How much can they take before sobbing? Will they be a jittery mass of quivering blob within a week? You and your family can spend many nights enjoying these suspenseful views of how we get heretics to talk to us.
We also plan to give away about 100 consolation prizes, including front row seats for you and your whole family to any heresy trials in your neighborhood! The winners will be announced at a special edition of the No Spin Zone on Christmas Eve, hosted by Bill O'Reilly. There will be many surprise guests, including Tea Party favorites, Juan Williams, Norm Coleman, and our favorite: Joe the Plumber.
So send your essay off to us at The Office of Homeland Heresy. Just write that on the envelope and it will get to us, even without a stamp. That's how important it is to get this first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest out there. With your help, we will make America safe for the 17th century!
The family that has fun together, stays together. Learn more about family fun and how to raise decent children by ordering "Department of Homeland Decency: Decency Rules and Regulations Manual" from amazon.com and bookstores everywhere.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
You are what you eat!
The Department of Homeland Decency wants you to know: “Nothing says 'Homeland' better than a sandwich.”
You should also know the corollary to that: “Nothing says terrorist better than a cup of Campbell's new line of 15 halal-certified soups.”
That's the new Muslim-approved soup that complies with the dietary regulations of the two percent of the American population that follows Islam, soup which some real Homelanders may have been ingesting unwittingly.
Scary? You bet. So what can you, a real Homelander, do about this? The Department of Homeland Decency suggests the following: let a sandwich be your weapon.
When your coworkers from foreign lands sit down in the lunchroom with their rice or salsa and chips or even now that bowl of jihadist soup, they are living without hope. That's what that kind of a diet does, and hopelessness means they are more likely to become a terrorist.
This is where your sandwich comes in. Offer them a bite of your Big Mac. You will be surprised at how effective an anti-terrorist blow that can be. A simple sandwich shows them how great our Homeland is.
Plus, now that you have opened a line of communication with your foreign coworker, you can do more to make them love the Homeland. For instance, if they are wearing a scarf over their head and mouth or a turban, show them your ski cap. Let them try it on so they will know how warm it can be and how good it can look on anyone.
That's the kind of culture sharing that shows others how great the Homeland is. It also may very well stop another 9/11 before it begins!
And it all started with a sandwich!
This announcement is a public service. For more information on keeping the Homeland decent, refer to "The Department of Homeland Decency's Decency Rules and Regulations Manual." We are marching proudly back to the future. Join us.
You should also know the corollary to that: “Nothing says terrorist better than a cup of Campbell's new line of 15 halal-certified soups.”
That's the new Muslim-approved soup that complies with the dietary regulations of the two percent of the American population that follows Islam, soup which some real Homelanders may have been ingesting unwittingly.
Scary? You bet. So what can you, a real Homelander, do about this? The Department of Homeland Decency suggests the following: let a sandwich be your weapon.
When your coworkers from foreign lands sit down in the lunchroom with their rice or salsa and chips or even now that bowl of jihadist soup, they are living without hope. That's what that kind of a diet does, and hopelessness means they are more likely to become a terrorist.
This is where your sandwich comes in. Offer them a bite of your Big Mac. You will be surprised at how effective an anti-terrorist blow that can be. A simple sandwich shows them how great our Homeland is.
Plus, now that you have opened a line of communication with your foreign coworker, you can do more to make them love the Homeland. For instance, if they are wearing a scarf over their head and mouth or a turban, show them your ski cap. Let them try it on so they will know how warm it can be and how good it can look on anyone.
That's the kind of culture sharing that shows others how great the Homeland is. It also may very well stop another 9/11 before it begins!
And it all started with a sandwich!
This announcement is a public service. For more information on keeping the Homeland decent, refer to "The Department of Homeland Decency's Decency Rules and Regulations Manual." We are marching proudly back to the future. Join us.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
The Department of Homeland Decency Hero Of The Week
Carl Paladino, the New York candidate for Governor of New York, is this weeks Department of Homeland Decency Hero Of The Week. He represents everything we at the Department of Homeland Decency hold dear and in his short campaign he has taken on gays, Muslims, the media, and who knows what else. He is an inspiration to decent Homelanders everywhere.
We believe he agrees with our efforts to return decency to the bedroom. As we have always maintained, our Intelligent Designer designed “it” to be done by a Mommy and a Daddy, which is why the very intimate and private parts of Mommy and Daddy fit together perfectly when they do “it.” This is why they can finish “it” quickly and quietly without moaning or screaming and then get up and go about daily life as if nothing had happened.
On the other hand, if two Mommies do it together, or two Daddies, the parts don't fit, causing pain and anguish, which leads to moaning and screaming, bed squeaking, sweating, joint pain, falling property values, urban blight, STDs, cancer, and increased vulnerability to terrorist attack.
With people like Mr. Paladino on our side, we believe our vision of a better and more decent Homeland will soon come to pass. So, congratulations, Mr. Paladino. And good luck in New York!
We believe he agrees with our efforts to return decency to the bedroom. As we have always maintained, our Intelligent Designer designed “it” to be done by a Mommy and a Daddy, which is why the very intimate and private parts of Mommy and Daddy fit together perfectly when they do “it.” This is why they can finish “it” quickly and quietly without moaning or screaming and then get up and go about daily life as if nothing had happened.
On the other hand, if two Mommies do it together, or two Daddies, the parts don't fit, causing pain and anguish, which leads to moaning and screaming, bed squeaking, sweating, joint pain, falling property values, urban blight, STDs, cancer, and increased vulnerability to terrorist attack.
With people like Mr. Paladino on our side, we believe our vision of a better and more decent Homeland will soon come to pass. So, congratulations, Mr. Paladino. And good luck in New York!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Department of Homeland Decency and Medical Marijuana
Will we see medical marijuana legalized in more states this year or in coming years? Unfortunately, the culture wars are returning and this is but one battle. Plus, The Department of Homeland Decency is opposed to it and its spokesperson, Mrs. Flue, explains why in the following video. We found this video and post it here so voters can make informed choices. View it. Tell your friends. Then do the right thing.
If the Republicans win big, Mrs. Flue will become the norm again. Let's hope that doesn't happen.
And if you wish to know more, please buy The Department of Homeland Decency's Rules and Regulations Manual (information is listed in the right hand column). It will prepare you for the return of the Age of Decency.
If the Republicans win big, Mrs. Flue will become the norm again. Let's hope that doesn't happen.
And if you wish to know more, please buy The Department of Homeland Decency's Rules and Regulations Manual (information is listed in the right hand column). It will prepare you for the return of the Age of Decency.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Safety Tips From The Department of Homeland Decency
In these dangerous days, we all must be prepared for anything. It is our patriotic duty. Evil is out there, waiting to strike, waiting to take your country from you and turn it into something foreign and alien.
For instance, when you buy a candy bar at your local Quick Mart, how do you know those people behind the counter are real capitalists who want to become like us? How do you know that some of the money you give them for that candy bar is not going to some atheist humanist Muslim terrorist organization intent on destroying life as we know and enjoy it? How can you be sure? More importantly, how would you find out?
Or suppose you take your family to a blockbuster movie. What would you think if, in so doing, you were unwittingly funding a porno liberal Homeland-hating cabal of gay hedonists whose goal in life is to make our country into Europe or Canada? Do you want to live in Europe or Canada? Do you want your kids to? So ask yourself before you go to that next blockbuster: What can I do to help ensure the safety of my kids and my Homeland?
Speaking of your kids, what about the school your kids go to? Unions, of course, are OK to an extent. But what happens to your kids when they hear teachers spouting anti-freedom union propaganda that is socialist one-world nonsense? Young minds are not hardened against such indecencies and believe everything they are told. That is how unscrupulous union teachers shape and distort young eager innocent minds. Is that happening to your kids?
These are just a few of the many dangers in the Homeland these difficult days. That is why The Department of Homeland Decency is working to give Homelanders the tools they need to fight these evils. We have commissioned a study group made up of real American patriots that will design study questions to help everyone recognize all the extreme dangers around us. We call this program Problems in Evil, or PIE.
Join us today as we fight back to reclaim our country. Make the study of PIE a family or neighborhood event. Bring your family and friends together to study and discuss these problems.
And then you will be prepared when you are out there alone and evil comes after you. The following is the first phase of of our PIE home-study session. You will be tested on this, so be sure to spend as much time as you need on it.
It's Thanksgiving and one of your young relatives is eating Tofurkey. In simpler times, this might not be a problem, but we do not live in simple times so Tofurkey is a major problem. Here's your dilemma: You like this young relative and want to help and support him but at the same time you know Tofurkey is wrong and shouldn't be served on a holy day like Thanksgiving. But you don't want to embarrass him in front of the whole family. What do you do?
A: Say nothing in the belief that tolerance and diversity are great national virtues and that your young relative will like you more for smiling and supporting veganism.
B: Ask to try it and smile and support your young relative, even though you hate Tofurkey and know it is evil and should be banned.
C: Put it all on the table and point out that real Americans got to be real Americans by eating meat, and it is our great tradition to be able to eat more meat than our ancestors ever dreamed could possibly be eaten in one lifetime. Our continent was tamed by meat-eaters, and if we don't honor that by serving and eating meat, the evil atheist tofu-loving Muslim terrorists will win.
Correct answer: C. If you are going to fight evil, who do you want on your side: a weeny tofu-eating liberal who drives a weeny looking car? Or someone who had a solid meat and potatoes dinner, owns a big pickup, and is ready to fight anytime, anywhere? We think the answer is pretty obvious.
You're in line at the airport and someone ahead of you doesn't want to be searched. It's holding up the line. What would a real American do?
A: Support this stranger by pointing out that they are right in the belief that privacy and individual freedom are great national virtues. Mention that government doesn't get to search people willy nilly. Join in with the person in refusing to be searched.
B: Look annoyed and then look for a shorter line.
C: Read aloud for everyone's sake the DOHD motto: “You have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide. You have nothing to hide if you have nothing to fear. So fear nothing and you need not hide. Hide nothing and you need not fear.” This will help everyone deal with these issues in the future and keep them from getting scared in these situations.
Correct answer: C. Most people have nothing to hide, so they should be happy to show the evildoers out there what goodness and decency looks and acts like. Those who are hiding things are by definition evildoers who take advantage of our freedoms to try to destroy us. One of these people could easily be standing next to you in any airport line. That's why we need to look under everyone's clothes, frisk them, go through their bags just in case something bad is in there, and ask lots of questions.
The last discussion item for this PIE session: You're at work and you notice that there are more and more weird, foreign-looking foods in the lunch room refrigerator. There are so many yogurts and salsas and rice dishes and even tofu that you can barely find room for your sandwich. So what do you do when you sit down at lunch and someone who barely speaks English sits next to you because there is no other space available?
A: Shake your head “No” as if to suggest that someone is going to join you, even though you know that they know this is a lie.
B: Eat your sandwich quickly and silently and look annoyed at their food.
C: Offer them a bit of your sandwich because you know that nothing says Homeland like a good sandwich and once they taste a Homeland sandwich they will give up their evil-doing, learn English and become a regular Sunday morning church-goer.
Correct answer: C. When they are eating friend rice or salsa and chips, they are living without hope. That means they are more likely to become a terrorist. So offering them a bite of your Big Mac is as great an anti-terrorist action that anyone can take. Ever. Plus, if they are wearing a scarf over their head and mouth or a turban, show them your ski cap. Let them try it on so they will know how warm it can be and how good it can look on anyone. That's the kind of culture sharing that shows others how great the Homeland is. It also may very well stop another 9/11 before it begins!
So remember: it's up to you to find evil. We can't be everywhere. In the meantime, always remember our motto, because it will keep you and your family safe:
“You have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide.
You have nothing to hide if you have nothing to fear.
So fear nothing and you need not hide.
Hide nothing and you need not fear.”
For instance, when you buy a candy bar at your local Quick Mart, how do you know those people behind the counter are real capitalists who want to become like us? How do you know that some of the money you give them for that candy bar is not going to some atheist humanist Muslim terrorist organization intent on destroying life as we know and enjoy it? How can you be sure? More importantly, how would you find out?
Or suppose you take your family to a blockbuster movie. What would you think if, in so doing, you were unwittingly funding a porno liberal Homeland-hating cabal of gay hedonists whose goal in life is to make our country into Europe or Canada? Do you want to live in Europe or Canada? Do you want your kids to? So ask yourself before you go to that next blockbuster: What can I do to help ensure the safety of my kids and my Homeland?
Speaking of your kids, what about the school your kids go to? Unions, of course, are OK to an extent. But what happens to your kids when they hear teachers spouting anti-freedom union propaganda that is socialist one-world nonsense? Young minds are not hardened against such indecencies and believe everything they are told. That is how unscrupulous union teachers shape and distort young eager innocent minds. Is that happening to your kids?
These are just a few of the many dangers in the Homeland these difficult days. That is why The Department of Homeland Decency is working to give Homelanders the tools they need to fight these evils. We have commissioned a study group made up of real American patriots that will design study questions to help everyone recognize all the extreme dangers around us. We call this program Problems in Evil, or PIE.
Join us today as we fight back to reclaim our country. Make the study of PIE a family or neighborhood event. Bring your family and friends together to study and discuss these problems.
And then you will be prepared when you are out there alone and evil comes after you. The following is the first phase of of our PIE home-study session. You will be tested on this, so be sure to spend as much time as you need on it.
It's Thanksgiving and one of your young relatives is eating Tofurkey. In simpler times, this might not be a problem, but we do not live in simple times so Tofurkey is a major problem. Here's your dilemma: You like this young relative and want to help and support him but at the same time you know Tofurkey is wrong and shouldn't be served on a holy day like Thanksgiving. But you don't want to embarrass him in front of the whole family. What do you do?
B: Ask to try it and smile and support your young relative, even though you hate Tofurkey and know it is evil and should be banned.
C: Put it all on the table and point out that real Americans got to be real Americans by eating meat, and it is our great tradition to be able to eat more meat than our ancestors ever dreamed could possibly be eaten in one lifetime. Our continent was tamed by meat-eaters, and if we don't honor that by serving and eating meat, the evil atheist tofu-loving Muslim terrorists will win.
Correct answer: C. If you are going to fight evil, who do you want on your side: a weeny tofu-eating liberal who drives a weeny looking car? Or someone who had a solid meat and potatoes dinner, owns a big pickup, and is ready to fight anytime, anywhere? We think the answer is pretty obvious.
You're in line at the airport and someone ahead of you doesn't want to be searched. It's holding up the line. What would a real American do?
B: Look annoyed and then look for a shorter line.
C: Read aloud for everyone's sake the DOHD motto: “You have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide. You have nothing to hide if you have nothing to fear. So fear nothing and you need not hide. Hide nothing and you need not fear.” This will help everyone deal with these issues in the future and keep them from getting scared in these situations.
Correct answer: C. Most people have nothing to hide, so they should be happy to show the evildoers out there what goodness and decency looks and acts like. Those who are hiding things are by definition evildoers who take advantage of our freedoms to try to destroy us. One of these people could easily be standing next to you in any airport line. That's why we need to look under everyone's clothes, frisk them, go through their bags just in case something bad is in there, and ask lots of questions.
The last discussion item for this PIE session: You're at work and you notice that there are more and more weird, foreign-looking foods in the lunch room refrigerator. There are so many yogurts and salsas and rice dishes and even tofu that you can barely find room for your sandwich. So what do you do when you sit down at lunch and someone who barely speaks English sits next to you because there is no other space available?
B: Eat your sandwich quickly and silently and look annoyed at their food.
C: Offer them a bit of your sandwich because you know that nothing says Homeland like a good sandwich and once they taste a Homeland sandwich they will give up their evil-doing, learn English and become a regular Sunday morning church-goer.
Correct answer: C. When they are eating friend rice or salsa and chips, they are living without hope. That means they are more likely to become a terrorist. So offering them a bite of your Big Mac is as great an anti-terrorist action that anyone can take. Ever. Plus, if they are wearing a scarf over their head and mouth or a turban, show them your ski cap. Let them try it on so they will know how warm it can be and how good it can look on anyone. That's the kind of culture sharing that shows others how great the Homeland is. It also may very well stop another 9/11 before it begins!
So remember: it's up to you to find evil. We can't be everywhere. In the meantime, always remember our motto, because it will keep you and your family safe:
You have nothing to hide if you have nothing to fear.
So fear nothing and you need not hide.
Hide nothing and you need not fear.”
Monday, August 23, 2010
HATEFEST 2010! A few more things Republicans could easily hate if they just their minds to it.
Republicans: You're not working hard enough! There are still many hateful things out there you are not foaming at the mouth over. Don't just sit there and expect others to do it! It's up to you to. Accept responsibility. If you work hard, yes, you can teach us all to hate and do it just as well as you do!
You need some examples to get yourself worked up so you can hate as well as other Republicans? Well, pick something, anything. Sidewalk sales, for instance. So far Republicans haven't expressed any strong hatred for Sidewalk Sales, but that doesn't mean they couldn't. Suppose Newt, the guy with the Ph.D. and all the great ideas, got up one day and said: “Who goes to sidewalk sales? What do they buy there? Did you know that Sidewalk Sales have roots in Arab markets? The shoe bomber bought his shoes at Arab markets.” Then Fox News starts investigating: “Terrorists buy phones and wires at Sidewalk Sales that blow up our troops.” Then McCain: “What's wrong with your local mall? Malls are American, run by Americans. Plus they have guards there to keep terrorists and other brown people out. People who go to Sidewalk Sales hate America.”
If you work hard and practice, you can learn to hate just about anything. Here's more stuff you could hate, if you just put in a good honest effort! (And just so everyone knows: there's still plenty of time between now and November to hate a lot more things. You're just going to have to work really really really hard at it. . . .)
Tofu Eaters. Mitt Romney, so afraid of being seen as a cultist Mormon liberal big government type, starts it off: “Tofueaters don't go to my Country Clubs. We eat steaks and chicken and good American foods at my Country Clubs!” Fox News sportscasters point out: “Brett Favre avoids tofu. And he doesn't let his lineman get near the stuff. That's why he's lasted so long. Who do you want defending you from some 350-pound defensive end: Some Ph.D. football player from Harvard who eats tofu? or someone from Oklahoma who eats raw steer meat for breakfast?” And finally Palin chirps in: “Obama loves tofu.”
Men With Cats. Cokie Roberts starts it off by pointing out: “A dog is a man's best friend. Cats are exotic and if you think about it, they are aloof like Obama. They act like they hate America.” Maureen Dowd displays her knowledge of men with cats: “Men with cats don't know how to load a gun. They don't want to know. If a burglar terrorist were breaking into your home to steal your TV and your daughter's honor, what's a man with a cat gonna do? Cook up some tofu for the terrorist burglar and negotiate? Men: Don't let your daughters fall for a man with a cat. I know. I've been there.”
Foreign Countries. Bill Kristol finally says it: “Let's just admit it: Foreign countries have no reason to exist except as another place for the U.S. to invade.” Steve Doocy expresses how poorly he was treated in foreign countries: “Have you ever been to one? First, you have to learn their language. Then you have to deal with their cabbies who are trying to cheat you out of a few pennies and try to get them to give you the right change. Then figure out their currency.” Gretchen Carlson gets really excited at this: “And have you ever eaten dinner in a foreign country? Those foreign chefs look down their noses at hamburgers and such.” David Brooks makes it sound intelligent: “Plus foreign countries are just sitting there taking up space and sitting on who knows how many billions – or even trillions – of dollars worth of resources. Someone should mine or harvest all that and then put to good use here in the Homeland.” Finally, Dick Cheney rises from the dead and says: “Liberals like to travel to foreign countries. That's why we hate all foreign countries. So, we need to invade all the foreign countries that we haven't yet invaded, convert everyone there to capitalism, take their good stuff, and then have a steak for dinner.”
Broccoli. Michele Bachmann, who probably never serves broccoli, says: “It's hard to spell. It's a vegetable. And it just leads to harder socialist stuff. If you serve it to your kids, before you know it they will be eating tofu!”
Old Thin Men. Rush Limbaugh starts this one off: “Who are they trying to impress? Do they think that because they are thin they will get more sex than all of us fat old men? There's nothing worse than getting on a plane, sitting across the aisle from an old thin man, and watching him eat. The bag of peanuts fills him up. Then he has a glass of water.” Mika Brezinski chimes in: “Have you ever noticed how thin old Muslim men are? Just something to think about . . .” And Michele Bachmann brings the hatred home: “And, by the way, have you noticed how thin our Muslim president is? Just thinking out loud here. . . .”
Bike lanes. Talk radio in any town is always on top of this issue: “They take up space that cars could use. They get in the way. Cyclists wear funny clothes. And they don't pay for that space. That's what Communists did. So give all that space to cars and keep bikes off the roads, on sidewalks or elsewhere. (And don't get me started on buses!!!!)”
You go, Republicans! Work on it. The rest of us are feeling left out.
You need some examples to get yourself worked up so you can hate as well as other Republicans? Well, pick something, anything. Sidewalk sales, for instance. So far Republicans haven't expressed any strong hatred for Sidewalk Sales, but that doesn't mean they couldn't. Suppose Newt, the guy with the Ph.D. and all the great ideas, got up one day and said: “Who goes to sidewalk sales? What do they buy there? Did you know that Sidewalk Sales have roots in Arab markets? The shoe bomber bought his shoes at Arab markets.” Then Fox News starts investigating: “Terrorists buy phones and wires at Sidewalk Sales that blow up our troops.” Then McCain: “What's wrong with your local mall? Malls are American, run by Americans. Plus they have guards there to keep terrorists and other brown people out. People who go to Sidewalk Sales hate America.”
If you work hard and practice, you can learn to hate just about anything. Here's more stuff you could hate, if you just put in a good honest effort! (And just so everyone knows: there's still plenty of time between now and November to hate a lot more things. You're just going to have to work really really really hard at it. . . .)
Tofu Eaters. Mitt Romney, so afraid of being seen as a cultist Mormon liberal big government type, starts it off: “Tofueaters don't go to my Country Clubs. We eat steaks and chicken and good American foods at my Country Clubs!” Fox News sportscasters point out: “Brett Favre avoids tofu. And he doesn't let his lineman get near the stuff. That's why he's lasted so long. Who do you want defending you from some 350-pound defensive end: Some Ph.D. football player from Harvard who eats tofu? or someone from Oklahoma who eats raw steer meat for breakfast?” And finally Palin chirps in: “Obama loves tofu.”
Men With Cats. Cokie Roberts starts it off by pointing out: “A dog is a man's best friend. Cats are exotic and if you think about it, they are aloof like Obama. They act like they hate America.” Maureen Dowd displays her knowledge of men with cats: “Men with cats don't know how to load a gun. They don't want to know. If a burglar terrorist were breaking into your home to steal your TV and your daughter's honor, what's a man with a cat gonna do? Cook up some tofu for the terrorist burglar and negotiate? Men: Don't let your daughters fall for a man with a cat. I know. I've been there.”
Foreign Countries. Bill Kristol finally says it: “Let's just admit it: Foreign countries have no reason to exist except as another place for the U.S. to invade.” Steve Doocy expresses how poorly he was treated in foreign countries: “Have you ever been to one? First, you have to learn their language. Then you have to deal with their cabbies who are trying to cheat you out of a few pennies and try to get them to give you the right change. Then figure out their currency.” Gretchen Carlson gets really excited at this: “And have you ever eaten dinner in a foreign country? Those foreign chefs look down their noses at hamburgers and such.” David Brooks makes it sound intelligent: “Plus foreign countries are just sitting there taking up space and sitting on who knows how many billions – or even trillions – of dollars worth of resources. Someone should mine or harvest all that and then put to good use here in the Homeland.” Finally, Dick Cheney rises from the dead and says: “Liberals like to travel to foreign countries. That's why we hate all foreign countries. So, we need to invade all the foreign countries that we haven't yet invaded, convert everyone there to capitalism, take their good stuff, and then have a steak for dinner.”
Broccoli. Michele Bachmann, who probably never serves broccoli, says: “It's hard to spell. It's a vegetable. And it just leads to harder socialist stuff. If you serve it to your kids, before you know it they will be eating tofu!”
Old Thin Men. Rush Limbaugh starts this one off: “Who are they trying to impress? Do they think that because they are thin they will get more sex than all of us fat old men? There's nothing worse than getting on a plane, sitting across the aisle from an old thin man, and watching him eat. The bag of peanuts fills him up. Then he has a glass of water.” Mika Brezinski chimes in: “Have you ever noticed how thin old Muslim men are? Just something to think about . . .” And Michele Bachmann brings the hatred home: “And, by the way, have you noticed how thin our Muslim president is? Just thinking out loud here. . . .”
Bike lanes. Talk radio in any town is always on top of this issue: “They take up space that cars could use. They get in the way. Cyclists wear funny clothes. And they don't pay for that space. That's what Communists did. So give all that space to cars and keep bikes off the roads, on sidewalks or elsewhere. (And don't get me started on buses!!!!)”
You go, Republicans! Work on it. The rest of us are feeling left out.
Monday, August 16, 2010
The NEW IMPROVED U.S. Constitution!
It's been a long, hot summer, made hotter by all the people who don't understand the U.S. Constitution. So to avoid all this strife in future years, The New and Improved U.S. Constitution is now in force. It will guarantee an end to all these pointless discussions on things like religious freedom, torture, and same-sex marriage that just waste our time and keep us from taking our country back from those who have made it into a European, Muslim suburb.
So, coming soon to a courthouse and school near you is:
The New and Improved U.S. Constitution (YAY!!)
We the REAL Americans, in order to form a more perfect union (“Perfect Union” by definition outlaws labor, teachers', government employees', or same-sex unions under this new and improved constitution) establish justice for all REAL Americans, promote the welfare for those who truly DESERVE it (and can prove they deserve it by showing pay stubs, tax forms and a bona fide birth certificate), and secure the blessings of liberty for us, our kids and neighbors (who were born in the U.S. of A. of REAL America mothers, not some foreign woman here on vacation or here working illegally).
Section 1: Congress can only pass laws that meet common sense, which is a law that is no more than two pages in length and comprised of words no longer than six letters. That means: no Cap and Trade, no Health Insurance Reform, no Bank Reform, no Campaign Finance Reform, and no Helmet Laws!
Section 2: If any law passes that isn't common sensical and a REAL American (which by definition is someone born herein the U.S. of A. of a REAL American mother) doesn't like it, immediate elections will be held for all those who voted for it. If not enough bums are thrown out in said election, new representatives shall be appointed by a board of respected Tea Partiers who are appointed to one year terms annually at the annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention.
Section 3: Taxes can only be cut, never increased.
Section 4: Corporations are people, too, and have one vote per each million dollars in profits.
Section 5: Only REAL Americans can run for president. No Kenyan can be president. If one is elected accidentally, a new election will be immediately held with all Kenyans removed from the ballot.
Section 6: The judicial branch shall consist of non-activist judges who have displayed in their writings and lives a keen interest and understanding in taking the country back from those who have made it unrecognizable. Judges with more than six children shall be given preference in appointments and salaries.
Section 7: Praying loudly is allowed in schools.
Section 8: Evolution and sex education aren't.
Section 9: In the interests of maintaining a well-regulated and well-prepared militia, everyone will be required to own three guns and two boxes of ammo for each.
Section 10: Only those born in the U.S. of REAL Americans can be citizens. All others will need to go to the closest immigration office and apply and learn all about how great we are.
Section 11: Tofurkey cannot be served on Thanksgiving, Christmas or Indepence Day but it can be served on lesser holidays.
Section 12: This document can be changed only at the annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention and only by a majority vote. The Annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention will be held each year on the weekend after Independence Day and lots of fireworks will be lit.
So, coming soon to a courthouse and school near you is:
We the REAL Americans, in order to form a more perfect union (“Perfect Union” by definition outlaws labor, teachers', government employees', or same-sex unions under this new and improved constitution) establish justice for all REAL Americans, promote the welfare for those who truly DESERVE it (and can prove they deserve it by showing pay stubs, tax forms and a bona fide birth certificate), and secure the blessings of liberty for us, our kids and neighbors (who were born in the U.S. of A. of REAL America mothers, not some foreign woman here on vacation or here working illegally).
Section 1: Congress can only pass laws that meet common sense, which is a law that is no more than two pages in length and comprised of words no longer than six letters. That means: no Cap and Trade, no Health Insurance Reform, no Bank Reform, no Campaign Finance Reform, and no Helmet Laws!
Section 2: If any law passes that isn't common sensical and a REAL American (which by definition is someone born herein the U.S. of A. of a REAL American mother) doesn't like it, immediate elections will be held for all those who voted for it. If not enough bums are thrown out in said election, new representatives shall be appointed by a board of respected Tea Partiers who are appointed to one year terms annually at the annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention.
Section 3: Taxes can only be cut, never increased.
Section 4: Corporations are people, too, and have one vote per each million dollars in profits.
Section 5: Only REAL Americans can run for president. No Kenyan can be president. If one is elected accidentally, a new election will be immediately held with all Kenyans removed from the ballot.
Section 6: The judicial branch shall consist of non-activist judges who have displayed in their writings and lives a keen interest and understanding in taking the country back from those who have made it unrecognizable. Judges with more than six children shall be given preference in appointments and salaries.
Section 7: Praying loudly is allowed in schools.
Section 8: Evolution and sex education aren't.
Section 9: In the interests of maintaining a well-regulated and well-prepared militia, everyone will be required to own three guns and two boxes of ammo for each.
Section 10: Only those born in the U.S. of REAL Americans can be citizens. All others will need to go to the closest immigration office and apply and learn all about how great we are.
Section 11: Tofurkey cannot be served on Thanksgiving, Christmas or Indepence Day but it can be served on lesser holidays.
Section 12: This document can be changed only at the annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention and only by a majority vote. The Annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention will be held each year on the weekend after Independence Day and lots of fireworks will be lit.
Monday, May 24, 2010
GUNS GOD AND BOOZE: what's the problem?
We found this in a local Tea Party newsletter. We reprint it here without any comment.
Hi everyone. Just wanted to shoot off (ha ha) a few rounds here to update you on what we're dong to bring freedom, guns and god to everyone, even those who say they don't want them.
ROUND ONE: We've told you last time about our new gun-giveaway program for schools; they give away condoms in schools, so why not guns? We liked the idea, because, well, guns are safe when used right, and condoms when used right are sinful and disgusting. Well, that one didn't go over so good, thanks to the usual secular socialist liberals who hate our freedoms and thought maybe it would be a better idea if we just donated some computers to the schools.
And then there was the guns-for-babies program that really excited us, where every legally married couple would get a nice pink little gun, the kind that gals love and want to carry with them to protect them when they are walking alone at night. But, again, commie socialist atheist pinkos said this was extremely politically incorrect and maybe it would be better if we just gave every couple a nice gift certificate to Baby Gap instead.
This just shows how hard it can be to be a good patriotic citizen. Our liberties are being taken from us and nobody seems to care and every time we come up with something to make things better, the PC police show up and tell us to go back to the drawing board and come up with something else. Idiots, all of them!
ROUND TWO: And what are our liberal commie activist judges doing? Well, they are hard to work giving every jihadist Tom Dick and Hussein their Miranda rights, a lawyer and probably a map to all our nuclear generators. And they force the rest of us real Americans to buy health insurance or pay big fines! When they kill your granny, they are going to send you the bill?
ROUND THREE: If God didn't want us to shoot each other, he would not have made some of us such good shots. God doesn't want you to waste what he gives you. He gives it to you for a reason. So he made some of us expert marksmen so the herd can be culled to celebrate his glory.
What that means is: those who can, do. Those who can't, well, they miss the target and then everyone sees that they are no good at much of anything. Then no one wants to marry them and have kids with them. So they get depressed and feel sorry for themselves. Then go do something dumb like vote for Democrats and Commies. It happens all the time.
But here's the good news: their chances of having kids and passing those anti-gun genes on to the next generation are next to nothing. I figure that in a couple more generations, all those genes will be gone and we'll have guns everywhere, even in pre-schoolers' backpacks. I just wish I could be there to see it!
ROUND FOUR: God likes guns and he wants all of us to own a few and carry them wherever we go.
We know this because up where they found Noah's Ark up there in Turkey, they found some other important things. (There haven't been too many reports about this because of the atheists who run the media in our country.) What they left out, because it scares them: there was a draft of the 10 Commandments that mentioned guns up there! Of course, there were no guns way back then then, which makes you wonder why this was in the 10 Commandments and if it is real. But think of it this way: God likes guns so much that he was dropping hints way back then about them so that when they were around, we would know they came from God, just like freedom.
In fact, guns are freedom. They are a part of liberty and freedom and justice that God wanted us to have. That's why this commandment almost ended up as one of the 10. It read: “Thou shalt not have any trigger locks or any other impediments on thy guns, lest the intruders who fall upon your house and home in the darkness have time to draw upon thee and harm thee and thine before thou can gettest thy gun and shoot the aforesaid perpetrators of thuggery.” It's kind of a long commandment, too, so it's probably better that it was left out. But, still, doesn't that mean that government should keep its hands off our guns?
It just goes to show you, God really likes guns.
PAYOFF ROUND: What's wrong with carrying guns into bars? I know, I know, it's a touchy-feely thing with the above mentioned commies and liberals that real Americans can't handle guns when we've had a few. Well, I just want to say that I have been shooting guns my whole life, and I've been drinking my whole life, too. And I have all my toes, fingers, ears, legs, arms, etc., except for one thumb, but that was a gun-cleaning accident, not a booze and guns accident. And I have all my family members, except for my favorite dog that ran off into the woods where we were shooting at shadows and, well, maybe that old hound was one of the shadows. But we know we aren't angels. We like our booze and we like our guns. And we like the two of them together even more.
That's it for now. I gotta go reload and I'll shoot off a few more rounds when I'm ready.
Hi everyone. Just wanted to shoot off (ha ha) a few rounds here to update you on what we're dong to bring freedom, guns and god to everyone, even those who say they don't want them.
ROUND ONE: We've told you last time about our new gun-giveaway program for schools; they give away condoms in schools, so why not guns? We liked the idea, because, well, guns are safe when used right, and condoms when used right are sinful and disgusting. Well, that one didn't go over so good, thanks to the usual secular socialist liberals who hate our freedoms and thought maybe it would be a better idea if we just donated some computers to the schools.
And then there was the guns-for-babies program that really excited us, where every legally married couple would get a nice pink little gun, the kind that gals love and want to carry with them to protect them when they are walking alone at night. But, again, commie socialist atheist pinkos said this was extremely politically incorrect and maybe it would be better if we just gave every couple a nice gift certificate to Baby Gap instead.
This just shows how hard it can be to be a good patriotic citizen. Our liberties are being taken from us and nobody seems to care and every time we come up with something to make things better, the PC police show up and tell us to go back to the drawing board and come up with something else. Idiots, all of them!
ROUND TWO: And what are our liberal commie activist judges doing? Well, they are hard to work giving every jihadist Tom Dick and Hussein their Miranda rights, a lawyer and probably a map to all our nuclear generators. And they force the rest of us real Americans to buy health insurance or pay big fines! When they kill your granny, they are going to send you the bill?
ROUND THREE: If God didn't want us to shoot each other, he would not have made some of us such good shots. God doesn't want you to waste what he gives you. He gives it to you for a reason. So he made some of us expert marksmen so the herd can be culled to celebrate his glory.
What that means is: those who can, do. Those who can't, well, they miss the target and then everyone sees that they are no good at much of anything. Then no one wants to marry them and have kids with them. So they get depressed and feel sorry for themselves. Then go do something dumb like vote for Democrats and Commies. It happens all the time.
But here's the good news: their chances of having kids and passing those anti-gun genes on to the next generation are next to nothing. I figure that in a couple more generations, all those genes will be gone and we'll have guns everywhere, even in pre-schoolers' backpacks. I just wish I could be there to see it!
ROUND FOUR: God likes guns and he wants all of us to own a few and carry them wherever we go.
We know this because up where they found Noah's Ark up there in Turkey, they found some other important things. (There haven't been too many reports about this because of the atheists who run the media in our country.) What they left out, because it scares them: there was a draft of the 10 Commandments that mentioned guns up there! Of course, there were no guns way back then then, which makes you wonder why this was in the 10 Commandments and if it is real. But think of it this way: God likes guns so much that he was dropping hints way back then about them so that when they were around, we would know they came from God, just like freedom.
In fact, guns are freedom. They are a part of liberty and freedom and justice that God wanted us to have. That's why this commandment almost ended up as one of the 10. It read: “Thou shalt not have any trigger locks or any other impediments on thy guns, lest the intruders who fall upon your house and home in the darkness have time to draw upon thee and harm thee and thine before thou can gettest thy gun and shoot the aforesaid perpetrators of thuggery.” It's kind of a long commandment, too, so it's probably better that it was left out. But, still, doesn't that mean that government should keep its hands off our guns?
It just goes to show you, God really likes guns.
PAYOFF ROUND: What's wrong with carrying guns into bars? I know, I know, it's a touchy-feely thing with the above mentioned commies and liberals that real Americans can't handle guns when we've had a few. Well, I just want to say that I have been shooting guns my whole life, and I've been drinking my whole life, too. And I have all my toes, fingers, ears, legs, arms, etc., except for one thumb, but that was a gun-cleaning accident, not a booze and guns accident. And I have all my family members, except for my favorite dog that ran off into the woods where we were shooting at shadows and, well, maybe that old hound was one of the shadows. But we know we aren't angels. We like our booze and we like our guns. And we like the two of them together even more.
That's it for now. I gotta go reload and I'll shoot off a few more rounds when I'm ready.
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