DOHD answers your questions

Q: I agree with the DOHD’s insistence that English should be the language of everyone that lives in this country. So I am uncomfortable with my children having to learn another language in school. If they are forced to take French, I worry they will start talking only in French and then start behaving like French people – like joining unions, demanding free health care, and taking naps during the afternoons. If there is no way I can stop my child from having to learn another language, is there one language that is better and safer to learn than another?

A: DOHD is adamant that English be the first and preferred language of the Homeland. If you wish to speak another language, you are absolutely free to go live in the country where that language is spoken. That’s what makes our Homeland such a great place.
DOHD intends to sponsor an “I Only Talk English” bill that will require all citizens of the Homeland to speak English at all times, even in their own homes. The bill will also relieve all those agencies/businesses – governmental and private – of the burden of having to cater to non-English-speaking residents. It will also put an end to multi-lingual instruction manuals.
You are right to be concerned about your child being forced to learn a foreign language. The rest of the world must become accustomed to the idea that the Homeland is still the leader of all that is moral and decent. Until things change, schools can still require your children to take a second language. You may not have a choice in the language they study. If you are given a choice, try not to choose French – for obvious reasons that have been expressed many times in this handbook.

Q: What should I do about a neighbor who never buys anything new? While I am not against recycling (even though it seems like a liberal idea), isn’t it possible that too much recycling is not a good thing for the Homeland? My neighbor – who, by the way, has a good job and makes quite a bit of money – always buys used cars, shops at second-hand clothing and furniture stores and even brings back her grocery bags to the grocery store so they can be used again. What, if anything, should I do about this?

A: While recycling was probably started by liberals, we at DOHD have always been on board – until recently. Recycling cans, bottles and newspapers is fine. Buying used cars is dangerous. One reason our Homeland is strong is because we produce new things and people buy them. If people stop purchasing new things like SUVs, the backbone of our Homeland – large manufacturers – becomes brittle and weak. Without a strong backbone, the Homeland becomes prey to large foreign manufacturers with strange and unhealthy ideas about morality. You can see what a slippery slope this can be. If you buy a lot of used merchandise, people in other countries (like France where doing “it” is a normal part of the day, like drinking wine) start to look more stylish, drive better cars and sit on nicer couches than we do. A strong Homeland is a brand-spanking new and sparkly Homeland, not a rusty, threadbare Homeland. We suggest you continue to buy new things and make a point of showing off your new things to your neighbors. If you fail to impress them, we have ways of impressing them that, while maybe not legal, are relatively painless.

Please contact DOHD at info at homelanddecency.com with your questions. Together we can all march proudly backwards to our future!

Are You Smarter Than A Texas 5th Grader?

The Texas 5th grader is the new standard of excellence in Homeland edication now that the Texas Board of Edication has rewritten the curriculum for Texas schools.

Gone are historical figures like Thomas Jefferson. (He apparently irritated Texans by coining the phrase “separation of church and state” so they dumped him.) Instead of larnin' about him, they will larn about other historical figures like Phyllis Schlafly (huh?). And the National Rifle Association. Also out of the curriculum: the word “capitalism.” It's being replaced in Texas with the term “free enterprise system” in all the textbooks. (So take that, all you capitalist pigs out there! Even Texas hates you!)

And, by the way, the Homeland is a Christian nation. And Sen. Joe McCarthy was right; the U.S. Government was filled with Commies and he would've rooted them all out and sent them to Kingdom Come, except that liberals and atheists and all the usual suspects who hate America stopped him. That's what they'll be larnin' down in Texas school houses in the 21st century.

Unfortunately, since Texas purchases so many textbooks, textbook publishers ship the same textbooks with the same larnin' to other states. So we'll all be larnin' that personal responsibility is the only surefire way not to get pregnant. (But you already knew, didn't you? And that condoms can explode for no reason at all?)

So, are you smarter than a Texas 5th grader? Take the following quiz, which is based on our understanding of these new and important curriculum standards, and find out.

(Answers are either True or False and are provided at the bottom of the page.)


SCIENCE
Adam and Eve had a pet dinosaur named Princess.
Men who are weak and effeminate had moms who were feminists.
Abstinence education works because the horrors of sex before marriage are fully explained.
The world is too big to run out of oil.


GUNS
Nowhere in the Second Amendment does the term “Separation of Church and State” appear
The right to bear arms is why the Homeland is the greatest place ever in the world.
The Second Amendment was originally the First Amendment, but the liberal media and Hollywood didn't want guns to come before free speech or the right of assembly because they hate America.


HISTORY
We lost in Vietnam because women in the 60s were all feminists who would only date men who got in touch with their feelings.
Men in touch with their feelings can't shoot straight.
Sen. Joe McCarthy was destroyed by a cabal of liberals and secular humanists who hate America.
The Homeland's founding fathers didn't want a government that taxed their Big Macs, soft drinks or health care plans.
The 40s and 50s were great for the Homeland because everyone worked hard and those who didn't didn't eat.
The 60s was a sad time for the Homeland because God was kicked out of schools.


The answers are below. So are you smarter than a Texas 5th grader? If you aren't, don't worry. You can study, work hard and apply yourself. (Which you should be doing anyway.)

By the way, if you are at work or school reading this, that's why you're not smarter than a Texas 5th grader (and may never be). They're not reading this. They probably don't have computers in Texas, either. They're all at home or school, reading the Bible and larnin' all about science. Then they'll graduate and get your job. Then they'll be your boss. Then they'll fire you for being so ignorant. And then they'll be everywhere!

(Uh oh. we're in trouble, too. Quick, help us out here . . . what's the answer to the first question again?)

Answers: all true.