FAQ: Raising taxes on rich whiners

We're #1!!!

Well, maybe not in everything. We don't know if we have the smartest people in the world or if we make the best cars anymore. We probably aren't tops in engineering anymore. But we do know where we are #1 and will continue to be #1 for decades to come: we produce the best whiners in the world. It's our really rich people: No one anywhere in the world can beat a good old American billionaire when it comes to whining. We're #1! Our team can't be beat. Let's push for whining to be an Olympic sport. Our billionaires would would easily win the gold! Go USA! We're #1!!

In normal times, you'd think a country we bombed and destroyed like Iraq might lead in this category. Or maybe a country like Mexico that we ruined with our drug habits and gun sales to drug gangs.

But they can't come close to the sophisticated whining of our own home-grown rich whiners. That's why we put together this FAQ. We don't want to lose our competitive edge in this area, but we need money. Should we tax these rich whiners and maybe lose them to some other country? Or should we lower their taxes and keep them around, even if means our roads, schools, etc., will fall apart.

A few points on this important issue follow. We just report, so you can decide.


The Tax-The-Rich Whiner FAQ

I'm sick of listening to them. If we lower taxes on rich whiners, would they stop whining?
No, because it is in their nature to whine. Just as grasshoppers must hop, rich folk must whine about taxes. It's how they let the rest of us know they are rich beyond our wildest dreams. They want the rest of us to know we are just freeloaders since we can't pay anywhere near what they pay. In other words, they want our gratitude.

I don't care – I'm still sick of listening to them. Why not just drive them out to the middle of some desert and leave them there without a GPS or phone or Blackberry or anything? If they can walk out alive, fine. I'll listen to them whine.
No, that would be inhuman. Instead, think about enacting a whine tax: the more they whine, the more they pay. It would solve a lot of problems.

What if the rich decide to go on strike because their taxes go up? You know, not work until we stopped taxing them, just to show us how important they are? Would that destroy life as we know it?
Well, you are assuming they work really hard to start with. But lots of their days are spent golfing or at the club or meeting up with lovers for affairs. So if they went on strike, they would run the risk of having the rest of us find out they really don't produce much. Even worse, if they did go on strike, wouldn't they have to picket something, something their taxes are paying for? Like a daycare center? Or a homeless shelter? And they'd be doing it rain or shine. Could they really do that? Probably not without whining a lot.

But wouldn't higher taxes on the wealthy put us on a slippery slope to becoming more like France or Italy?
Yes, it would. But whatever you might think about rich whiners, they do have pride. And one thing they are proud of is being #1. And if we became more like France or Italy, well, it would make their whining even better, richer, more profound. Their whines might become so profound that they would sound like French philosophers. They would like that, because they do think the French are sophisticated. So, yes, we would be on a slippery slope, but where it would lead, we don't know yet.

One last question: I'd like to try my hand at being a rich whiner. What's a good entry to this field?
Sorry, but there are no openings. First, rich whiners are born, not made. It's in their genes, which they make sure none of the rest of us will ever have by not marrying people like us. And second, the rich whiners are saving any openings for their children. As we said, they are born, not made, and there is a ready supply coming up through their country day school system everywhere.

Are You Smarter Than A Texas 5th Grader?

The Texas 5th grader is the new standard of excellence in Homeland edication now that the Texas Board of Edication has rewritten the curriculum for Texas schools.

Gone are historical figures like Thomas Jefferson. (He apparently irritated Texans by coining the phrase “separation of church and state” so they dumped him.) Instead of larnin' about him, they will larn about other historical figures like Phyllis Schlafly (huh?). And the National Rifle Association. Also out of the curriculum: the word “capitalism.” It's being replaced in Texas with the term “free enterprise system” in all the textbooks. (So take that, all you capitalist pigs out there! Even Texas hates you!)

And, by the way, the Homeland is a Christian nation. And Sen. Joe McCarthy was right; the U.S. Government was filled with Commies and he would've rooted them all out and sent them to Kingdom Come, except that liberals and atheists and all the usual suspects who hate America stopped him. That's what they'll be larnin' down in Texas school houses in the 21st century.

Unfortunately, since Texas purchases so many textbooks, textbook publishers ship the same textbooks with the same larnin' to other states. So we'll all be larnin' that personal responsibility is the only surefire way not to get pregnant. (But you already knew, didn't you? And that condoms can explode for no reason at all?)

So, are you smarter than a Texas 5th grader? Take the following quiz, which is based on our understanding of these new and important curriculum standards, and find out.

(Answers are either True or False and are provided at the bottom of the page.)


SCIENCE
Adam and Eve had a pet dinosaur named Princess.
Men who are weak and effeminate had moms who were feminists.
Abstinence education works because the horrors of sex before marriage are fully explained.
The world is too big to run out of oil.


GUNS
Nowhere in the Second Amendment does the term “Separation of Church and State” appear
The right to bear arms is why the Homeland is the greatest place ever in the world.
The Second Amendment was originally the First Amendment, but the liberal media and Hollywood didn't want guns to come before free speech or the right of assembly because they hate America.


HISTORY
We lost in Vietnam because women in the 60s were all feminists who would only date men who got in touch with their feelings.
Men in touch with their feelings can't shoot straight.
Sen. Joe McCarthy was destroyed by a cabal of liberals and secular humanists who hate America.
The Homeland's founding fathers didn't want a government that taxed their Big Macs, soft drinks or health care plans.
The 40s and 50s were great for the Homeland because everyone worked hard and those who didn't didn't eat.
The 60s was a sad time for the Homeland because God was kicked out of schools.


The answers are below. So are you smarter than a Texas 5th grader? If you aren't, don't worry. You can study, work hard and apply yourself. (Which you should be doing anyway.)

By the way, if you are at work or school reading this, that's why you're not smarter than a Texas 5th grader (and may never be). They're not reading this. They probably don't have computers in Texas, either. They're all at home or school, reading the Bible and larnin' all about science. Then they'll graduate and get your job. Then they'll be your boss. Then they'll fire you for being so ignorant. And then they'll be everywhere!

(Uh oh. we're in trouble, too. Quick, help us out here . . . what's the answer to the first question again?)

Answers: all true.

Beat the death panels! or: The Granny Survivalist Guide

They are doing heroic work fighting the granny-killing death panels over at savegranny.com, keepyoursocialisthandsoffmygranny.com, grannygetsagun.org among others. It's too early to say if granny killers been defeated, but everyone can be confident that granny is safer today than she was two weeks ago.

But the problem is: can you trust a man who is afraid to show you his birth certificate? If someone asked to see mine, I'd show it. I'm proud of it. I was born in America and I'm not afraid to let folks now. In fact, I plan to tape a copy to my front door so everyone can see it.

Will he do the same on the front door of the White House?

We can't relax yet. That's why all those fine folk at those God-fearing, abortionist-hating, patriotic websites listed above have a Plan B, just in case the death panels get life breathed into them: products, programs, guidelines and exercises you and granny can do to help her beat the death panels.

We've listed some of the ones we like here. To us, these are heart-warming examples of what made America great: real Americans coming together against those liberal atheist baby-killing unreal Americans and beating the living daylights out of them. And, you know, it's inspiring, too. And isn't it just great fun? I'd forgotten how much I enjoy it!

1. Granny's A Warrior! From the folks at savegranny.com comes this program based on the Navy SEAL program that so successfully taught our commandos to withstand brutal torture at the hands of jihadists. And don't think Granny standing in front of a Death Panel won't be torture! They'll make her stand there for hours without shoes or her orthopedic inserts. They might also turn the air conditioner way up, so she'll be cold and tired. It's all set up so they can say she's no longer of much value and can be put down like an old horse and then shipped to the flue factory. But this Granny's A Warrior program will give her the upper hand. So much so that by the time the Death Panel is done with her, they'll be voting to kill themselves!

2. Granny's Guns Talk! How about a little gun rack that will fit on any wheelchair, walker, cane or neck brace? Have Granny appear before that Death Panel with an assault rifle bigger than she is! Those freedom-hating liberals will wet their pants and run back to their Ivory Towers!

3. Grannies Who Cook! Except now it's more than meat and potatoes. Keepyoursocialisthandsoffmygranny.com will send Granny lots of easy recipes to bring to the Death Panel, including some that require her to shop at her local medical marijuana shop. Give one of those treats to the Death Panels and they won't where they are. Plus they won't remember much about Granny, so she'll be safe at least until the Death Panels call for her again!

4. Surrogates For Granny. Hire a surrogate. We do this to make babies, why not to save Grannies? In this program, an elderly woman will study every detail about granny and go before the death panel in her place. The surrogate is fit, smart, sassy, tireless and charismatic, everything your Granny might not be. But the Death Panel won't know that. And while some people have problems with the morality of surrogacy, when it's to save Granny, it's OK. From Keepgrannyalive.net.

KILL GRANNY INC

Sooner or later every family has to face it: Granny's going downhill.

It starts with little things. Maybe she thinks Jimmy Carter is president. Or maybe she sends $50 every week to Jim and Tammy Baker. Or maybe she just passes a lot of gas at family dinners and continues putt-putting as she leaves the room.

Whatever it is, if it is happening in your family, you know what it means: time to call Kill Granny Inc.

We are the only company licensed by all the better health insurance companies in the country. Unlike the government end-of-life plan, you don't have to talk to us. We don't send faceless and nameless government bureaucrats to your house unannounced to take Granny away.

But if you need Kill Granny Inc, we'll be right over. We'll come out to your house, meet with you and Granny, and explain what we can do for you to put your minds at rest.

It's all done in an adult and responsible fashion.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is make that first phone call. But do it. And if you call us today, we'll throw in a talk about what we can do for Grampa at no extra charge. We are approved by health insurance plans nationwide, because we save them money.

Best of all: if Granny has a good supplemental health insurance plan, it will pay for it. So help your Granny now, before her plan cancels her and refuses to pay for anything, including our services!

Kartoon Kountry: The Magic of her Cleavage

The never-ending campaign for Fearless Leader of Kartoon Kountry was well underway when it became obvious that the serious candidates could no longer avoid talking about her. That meant, of course, that they would have to name her, which brought much fear to them, because they all believed in the Magical Power of Her Cleavage. It was said that any man who gazed upon her cleavage while saying her name aloud would see his beloved penis shrivel up and fall off, hitting the ground with a sickening thud.

So the powers of the Kartoon Party that is the GOP decided that the first times the GOP debated her, she would not be present. And it turned out even better than they expected. All the candidates attacked her successfully, they proved their manliness throughout the debate, and none of their penises shriveled up and fell off.

What follows are quotations as remembered by a writer who, because of a sadly misspent younger adulthood, can’t vouch for their accuracy. If they are not accurate, they are pretty close. And if they are not pretty close, they could be wildly inaccurate. But that should not keep anyone from taking them as truthful. Just repeat them often enough and sooner or later they will become true.

So the candidates started out their debate by establishing their bona fides:

I am a true Republican. I hate gays. Tort reform is good. Trial lawyers suck. Gays destroy marriage and also suck. Trial lawyers destroy businesses. Democrats are stupid. I LOVE RONALD REAGAN!!! I want to be fearless leader so I can bomb Iran.

I LOVE RONALD REAGAN MORE THAN YOU!!! And I would bomb Iran before you would.

Then, to prove Democrats are stupid and ignorant and don’t know anything, a couple of Fearless Leader wannabes said:

Ted Kennedy is fat.

The audience swooned when they heard that, which was the best bona fide of all, and so the debate was underway. Again, the following is a brief look at the evening, as viewed by someone who may or may not be called to account for grossness, inaccuracies, unprofessionalism, bad hair, or any number of other horrible things.

So they came out swinging:

Fox News good. CBS Bad. CNN Sucky! Fox News is news for Patriots. IT’S NOT LIBERAL!!

(Audience applauds and cheers.)

We hate gays at Fox. Gays are destroying our families! WE ARE PATRIOTS!! We love NAASCAR and football. We hate Dan Rather, Michael Moore, Canadian-style healthcare and soccer.

Oh – and France sucks, too.

Important issues to our party: Ronald Reagan. El Salvador. FREEDOM!! And golfing with rich white guys who pick up the tab and give our children high paying jobs.

Then her name came up (and as prayed for, no one’s manliness shriveled up and fell off).

HILLARY CARE!!!.

(Audience gasps in fear and listens for the tell-tale thump of little things hitting the stage floor but heard nothing.)

Canadian Health Care System has long lines. (Audience Applauds.) Our Health care system is the best in the world. Always was. Always will be. (Audience goes wild!!!)

Baby Boomers. EVIL BABY BOOMERS. Hippies. Social Security. Old Hippies. Wait until those Old Hippies get the drug benefit. FREE DRUGS!!! They will bankrupt Medicare and Social Security. Baby Boomers evil. 1960s!!! (Audience screams with delight!!)

Michael Moore. HILLARY!! Hollywood. Best damned health care in the world. Can’t get better health care anywhere. This is America. THE HOMELAND!! We made health care great. BEST IN THE WORLD!!!

HILLARY!! I can beat her! SOCIALIZED MEDICINE!! She has never run a corner store. Never met a payroll!! Commander-in-chief Hillary! (Audience screams in alarm!) She’ll come after your guns! Tax you into the grave! She will destroy our great health care system. Must stop her. How? Must stop her!!! (My penis is still there. What a relief. Thank you, Jesus!)

WOODSTOCK! SEX! DRUGS!!! Hillary wants money for Woodstock Memorial! Hippies are back! They want drugs! They’re everywhere!! Remember the 1960s!! Remember Woodstock! Vietnam POW! TIED UP! Didn’t get to Woodstock!!! Hates Woodstock. Hates drugs. Hates Hillary.

Islamofascistterroristtourism. They will follow us home and kill us all. Bomb Iran. Bomb Syria. Bomb Vermont, too, just to be safe! And, why not Canada!!!! (Audience screams in delight!!) Bomb Canada! Vermont!!!!

Prez. Hillary. Tax increases! She will take your guns! (Audience boos.) Socialized medicine. DID YOU KNOW SHE’S A WOMAN!!!! (Audience screams in fear!!)

The world is scary! Be afraid! I’m strong. Ronald Reagan strong. Hillary not strong. She’s a woman! BE VERY SCARED!!! SHE HAS NO PENIS!!!

More troops! Attack! More tanks. Missiles. Missiles good. Putin bad. BUT HILLARY!!! EVIL!!!

Ronald Reagan. (Audience applauds.) Ronald Reagan!! (Audience cheers.) RONALD REAGAN!!

It ended and they all walked off, each with the continued glory of his own manliness. It was a successful debate, for each now knew that he could take on Hillary, state her name, and not have his manliness shrivel up like a raisin and fall off. They had passed this test. There would be more to come, but now they were ready for her.