A Hunter's Journal

Deer hunting season comes but once a year and provides real Americans with the chance to get in touch with their inner hunter-gatherers and bond with those souls everywhere who respond to the call of the wild. Those of us on the liberal fringes of society never experience this, because so many of us are vegans or PETA members or anti-gun or too bookish. Whatever it is, there is a huge chasm separating us. So we provide here a hunter's diary that we believe will bridge this gap by showing how the pursuit of deer with guns has shaped America and made American men the most independent and strong in the world. We liberals should learn much from this so that we, too, can be strong and independent.

It’s cold, it’s wet, and I can’t feel my toes. God, I love hunting. . . . Hope I don’t fall out of my deer stand again this year.

It’s the fresh air, the call of the wild, the guys, the guns, the bad jokes, peeing outdoors. I even like the planning. Where do we stay? Who’s buying the food? The booze? Who will cook and clean up? Women aren’t there to help with these things. Men have to do it all, and that’s what hunting is all about – strong, independent men bonding so the species survives for another generation.

I’m in my deer stand. Nothing can see me. Not any deer. Not any hunters. But bullets whiz by. What are they shooting at? I don’t see anyone, anything. Is there a deer out there? Wait a second . . . is that a deer? I shoot. I listen . . . I hear a moo. . . .

Wow, my feet are cold. Too bad about Joe. I miss him this year. Maybe he’ll be walking without pain next year. I bet Joe could have climbed up into the stand this year. I think he didn’t want to. I miss him. I miss just sitting here with our guns and cold feet. Maybe a little whiskey. Listening to the bullets whiz by. . .

Lunch time! Finally! Warm up my feet and fingers. Nothing like a couple burgers and fries. Comfort food. Whoa - hit the deck! Who’s shooting at this cabin? God, they hit the TV - damn, I wanted to watch some porn tonight. Wonder what they’re shooting at out there.

Back in my stand, still really cold. I see something move - I shoot. What is it? Dunno, but I probably missed. I’m such a bad shot!

Damn, if I don’t get something this year, I’ll never hear the end of it. Not after falling out of my stand last year and pulling Joe down with me. It really wasn’t my fault. Joe brought the whiskey up there and I was just standing up to piss over the edge when a couple of bullets whizzed by awfully close to me. They surprised me - anyone could have lost their balance. So I grabbed Joe.

Anyway, I don’t think the fall is what really hurt Joe so it’s not really my fault. I think that stray bullet that came out of nowhere and hit him in the leg while we were driving to the hospital is why his leg still hurts today. Can you imagine that? Driving down a county road and a bullet hits a passenger in the leg. A big black SUV doesn’t look anything like a deer . . . What are hunters thinking?

I’m feeling my toes again. That’s a good sign - it means I'm really alive! It's not like sitting in the office, falling asleep . . . Wait . . . I see something moving over there. I aim, squeeze the trigger slowly. Then a second shot. Did I hit it? Probably not. Damn! I thought for sure this was my year to get a dear, not a cow like last year. I tell you, if you shoot a cow and then fall out of your blind and break your friend’s leg - well, guys being guys, they won’t let you forget. I’ve heard jokes for a year.

Dinnertime. No one got a deer. Got a few shots off but no one is sure at what. But so what? What is important is that we are men. We are bonding, we are renewed, we are in touch with all the men of generations past who, like us, did what they had to do to ensure the species survived. And on our own, without women . . .

We’re eating steaks and drinking good whiskey. Another day has passed and the species has survived. But too bad about the TV. Plus our truck took a few bullets - one rear window is out and a couple holes in the side panel - nothing major, though.

But next year . . . we have to start planning . . . where should we go . . . where is the best hunting?

Health care reform FAQS

It's hard to keep up with all the issues and facts in the Health Care Reform debates. Will reform kill Granny? Am I going to die while waiting for an MRI the way they do in Canada and Britain? Will we end up a socialist atheist society where soda and potato chips are taxed to pay for Obamacare? And what about those White House deals with PHARMA? Will the pharmaceutical industry go bankrupt and will we all die if we don't PHARMA everything they demand?

These are difficult questions and to be honest, it's all just driving us crazy. So, for those who wish to remain SANE until our representative form of government works its magic, here are the answers to everything you need to know about health care reform.

Why do our insurance companies hate us? Do they really want us to die?
Because there are too many of you and too many people leads to massive traffic jams. And that means that successful Americans like health insurance CEOs can't drive really really fast. It's that simple. Too many people is the problem. So our health insurance industry is working on that. (But don't worry, they don't want you to die. At least not yet. There is still money to collect from all of you.)

It seems that insurance companies giving all that money to our elected representatives is wasteful. Wouldn't it be cheaper for the insurance companies simply to give us that money, sort of a payment not to get sick or make claims? Most of us would be as glad to be bought off as our elected representatives are.
One of the little pleasures insurance folks get in life is denying claims. (Don't knock it until you've tried it!) Would you deny them that? That's probably another reason they hate you. (See above FAQ). You keep them from driving fast. You jam up golf courses because there are so many of you and then you play really slowly because you're a crappy golfer! You smell. You want to tax the rich just like in communist countries. You don't dress well. And now you want to deny them the joys of denying claims. And to bribe you – and you offer nothing in return! 

The long and incredibly sordid history of ACORN (according to Glenn Beck)

1928: Association of Communist Organizations forms to raise funds for the new international labor organization REVOLUTION NOW! The two organizations are committed to building camps worldwide where communists and union thugs will be secretly trained to defeat capitalism. George Soros's grandfather is seen smoking dope and consorting with prostitutes at a camp built high in Mexico's Sierre Madre mountains where vacationing capitalists are kidnapped, held for ransom and regularly flogged by campers.
1935: REVOLUTION NOW! is dismantled and its members are hired by the newly formed United Auto Workers. Applicants were told by ACO to lie on their applications just so they would be comfortable lying. This ability to lie became the trademark of ACO as it slowly evolved into ACORN.

Tim Pawlenty Primer

Tim Pawlenty is running for president. Watch Tim run. Run, Tim, run. Run run run.

He is Republican governor of Minnesota. What do Republican governors do? Fight Democrats. Watch Tim fight all the Democrats in Minnesota. Over anything. Fight, Tim, fight. Just say no, Tim. No no no.

Ask Your Health Plan lobbyist

And you thought you couldn't afford a lobbyist! Or good health insurance!

How wrong you were. Now, because of the great work that Your Health Plan lobbyist and his colleagues have done, you can get the very best coverage Your Health Plan can afford, and without the nuisance of lines, embarrassing questions, pokes or prods. Just ask Your Health Plan lobbyist! And get your answers right away! What does that pain in your stomach mean? Do you really need a second opinion? Should you buy the expensive drug your have been using - or will two aspirin and a good night's rest do just as well?

Your Health Plan is offering you this one-time offer today only for just $250 a month. Your Health Plan lobbyist will be there for you 24/7 and you won't have to leave your house, find a parking spot, wait in a doctor's office (like a Canadian!), or have to answer embarrassing questions about weight, drinking habits, sexual activities, and who knows what else.

Plus you'll get your questions answered and a clear-cut, no-nonsense plan of action that will get you healthy again and keep Your Health Plan healthy for decades so it will always be there when you need it!

As an added bonus, say you saw this offer here on this website and get a free invitation to Your Health Plan lobbyist's next fundraiser for your favorite local elected officials!

Sign up today and keep your health care costs from bankrupting Your Health Plan.

The following is an example of the excellent medical advice you can get when you have your own personal health plan lobbyist working for you instead of against you.

Dear Health Plan lobbyist:

I'm so thankful for a medical plan I can afford that also won't ruin our great country and lead to socialism, communism, fascism and Nazism. Thank you for your efforts at keeping our country great! But here's my problem: I can't straighten my leg out. My knee is really big, too. And a funny color. And my dog won't come over when I call it, probably because my knee smells really bad.

Thanks for any help you can give me. And keep up your good work on keeping America great and competitive!

Sincerely, Aching in Arkansas