The NEW IMPROVED U.S. Constitution!

It's been a long, hot summer, made hotter by all the people who don't understand the U.S. Constitution. So to avoid all this strife in future years, The New and Improved U.S. Constitution is now in force. It will guarantee an end to all these pointless discussions on things like religious freedom, torture, and same-sex marriage that just waste our time and keep us from taking our country back from those who have made it into a European, Muslim suburb.

So, coming soon to a courthouse and school near you is:


The New and Improved U.S. Constitution (YAY!!)

We the REAL Americans, in order to form a more perfect union (“Perfect Union” by definition outlaws labor, teachers', government employees', or same-sex unions under this new and improved constitution) establish justice for all REAL Americans, promote the welfare for those who truly DESERVE it (and can prove they deserve it by showing pay stubs, tax forms and a bona fide birth certificate), and secure the blessings of liberty for us, our kids and neighbors (who were born in the U.S. of A. of REAL America mothers, not some foreign woman here on vacation or here working illegally).

Section 1: Congress can only pass laws that meet common sense, which is a law that is no more than two pages in length and comprised of words no longer than six letters. That means: no Cap and Trade, no Health Insurance Reform, no Bank Reform, no Campaign Finance Reform, and no Helmet Laws!

Section 2: If any law passes that isn't common sensical and a REAL American (which by definition is someone born herein the U.S. of A. of a REAL American mother) doesn't like it, immediate elections will be held for all those who voted for it. If not enough bums are thrown out in said election, new representatives shall be appointed by a board of respected Tea Partiers who are appointed to one year terms annually at the annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention.

Section 3: Taxes can only be cut, never increased.

Section 4: Corporations are people, too, and have one vote per each million dollars in profits.

Section 5: Only REAL Americans can run for president. No Kenyan can be president. If one is elected accidentally, a new election will be immediately held with all Kenyans removed from the ballot.

Section 6: The judicial branch shall consist of non-activist judges who have displayed in their writings and lives a keen interest and understanding in taking the country back from those who have made it unrecognizable. Judges with more than six children shall be given preference in appointments and salaries.

Section 7: Praying loudly is allowed in schools.

Section 8: Evolution and sex education aren't.

Section 9: In the interests of maintaining a well-regulated and well-prepared militia, everyone will be required to own three guns and two boxes of ammo for each.

Section 10: Only those born in the U.S. of REAL Americans can be citizens. All others will need to go to the closest immigration office and apply and learn all about how great we are.

Section 11: Tofurkey cannot be served on Thanksgiving, Christmas or Indepence Day but it can be served on lesser holidays.

Section 12: This document can be changed only at the annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention and only by a majority vote. The Annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention will be held each year on the weekend after Independence Day and lots of fireworks will be lit.

GUNS GOD AND BOOZE: what's the problem?

We found this in a local Tea Party newsletter. We reprint it here without any comment.

Hi everyone. Just wanted to shoot off (ha ha) a few rounds here to update you on what we're dong to bring freedom, guns and god to everyone, even those who say they don't want them.

ROUND ONE: We've told you last time about our new gun-giveaway program for schools; they give away condoms in schools, so why not guns? We liked the idea, because, well, guns are safe when used right, and condoms when used right are sinful and disgusting. Well, that one didn't go over so good, thanks to the usual secular socialist liberals who hate our freedoms and thought maybe it would be a better idea if we just donated some computers to the schools.

And then there was the guns-for-babies program that really excited us, where every legally married couple would get a nice pink little gun, the kind that gals love and want to carry with them to protect them when they are walking alone at night. But, again, commie socialist atheist pinkos said this was extremely politically incorrect and maybe it would be better if we just gave every couple a nice gift certificate to Baby Gap instead.

This just shows how hard it can be to be a good patriotic citizen. Our liberties are being taken from us and nobody seems to care and every time we come up with something to make things better, the PC police show up and tell us to go back to the drawing board and come up with something else. Idiots, all of them!

ROUND TWO: And what are our liberal commie activist judges doing? Well, they are hard to work giving every jihadist Tom Dick and Hussein their Miranda rights, a lawyer and probably a map to all our nuclear generators. And they force the rest of us real Americans to buy health insurance or pay big fines! When they kill your granny, they are going to send you the bill?

ROUND THREE: If God didn't want us to shoot each other, he would not have made some of us such good shots. God doesn't want you to waste what he gives you. He gives it to you for a reason. So he made some of us expert marksmen so the herd can be culled to celebrate his glory.

What that means is: those who can, do. Those who can't, well, they miss the target and then everyone sees that they are no good at much of anything. Then no one wants to marry them and have kids with them. So they get depressed and feel sorry for themselves. Then go do something dumb like vote for Democrats and Commies. It happens all the time.

But here's the good news: their chances of having kids and passing those anti-gun genes on to the next generation are next to nothing. I figure that in a couple more generations, all those genes will be gone and we'll have guns everywhere, even in pre-schoolers' backpacks. I just wish I could be there to see it!

ROUND FOUR: God likes guns and he wants all of us to own a few and carry them wherever we go.
We know this because up where they found Noah's Ark up there in Turkey, they found some other important things. (There haven't been too many reports about this because of the atheists who run the media in our country.) What they left out, because it scares them: there was a draft of the 10 Commandments that mentioned guns up there! Of course, there were no guns way back then then, which makes you wonder why this was in the 10 Commandments and if it is real. But think of it this way: God likes guns so much that he was dropping hints way back then about them so that when they were around, we would know they came from God, just like freedom.

In fact, guns are freedom. They are a part of liberty and freedom and justice that God wanted us to have. That's why this commandment almost ended up as one of the 10. It read: “Thou shalt not have any trigger locks or any other impediments on thy guns, lest the intruders who fall upon your house and home in the darkness have time to draw upon thee and harm thee and thine before thou can gettest thy gun and shoot the aforesaid perpetrators of thuggery.” It's kind of a long commandment, too, so it's probably better that it was left out. But, still, doesn't that mean that government should keep its hands off our guns?

It just goes to show you, God really likes guns.

PAYOFF ROUND: What's wrong with carrying guns into bars? I know, I know, it's a touchy-feely thing with the above mentioned commies and liberals that real Americans can't handle guns when we've had a few. Well, I just want to say that I have been shooting guns my whole life, and I've been drinking my whole life, too. And I have all my toes, fingers, ears, legs, arms, etc., except for one thumb, but that was a gun-cleaning accident, not a booze and guns accident. And I have all my family members, except for my favorite dog that ran off into the woods where we were shooting at shadows and, well, maybe that old hound was one of the shadows. But we know we aren't angels. We like our booze and we like our guns. And we like the two of them together even more.

That's it for now. I gotta go reload and I'll shoot off a few more rounds when I'm ready.

Are You Smarter Than A Texas 5th Grader?

The Texas 5th grader is the new standard of excellence in Homeland edication now that the Texas Board of Edication has rewritten the curriculum for Texas schools.

Gone are historical figures like Thomas Jefferson. (He apparently irritated Texans by coining the phrase “separation of church and state” so they dumped him.) Instead of larnin' about him, they will larn about other historical figures like Phyllis Schlafly (huh?). And the National Rifle Association. Also out of the curriculum: the word “capitalism.” It's being replaced in Texas with the term “free enterprise system” in all the textbooks. (So take that, all you capitalist pigs out there! Even Texas hates you!)

And, by the way, the Homeland is a Christian nation. And Sen. Joe McCarthy was right; the U.S. Government was filled with Commies and he would've rooted them all out and sent them to Kingdom Come, except that liberals and atheists and all the usual suspects who hate America stopped him. That's what they'll be larnin' down in Texas school houses in the 21st century.

Unfortunately, since Texas purchases so many textbooks, textbook publishers ship the same textbooks with the same larnin' to other states. So we'll all be larnin' that personal responsibility is the only surefire way not to get pregnant. (But you already knew, didn't you? And that condoms can explode for no reason at all?)

So, are you smarter than a Texas 5th grader? Take the following quiz, which is based on our understanding of these new and important curriculum standards, and find out.

(Answers are either True or False and are provided at the bottom of the page.)


SCIENCE
Adam and Eve had a pet dinosaur named Princess.
Men who are weak and effeminate had moms who were feminists.
Abstinence education works because the horrors of sex before marriage are fully explained.
The world is too big to run out of oil.


GUNS
Nowhere in the Second Amendment does the term “Separation of Church and State” appear
The right to bear arms is why the Homeland is the greatest place ever in the world.
The Second Amendment was originally the First Amendment, but the liberal media and Hollywood didn't want guns to come before free speech or the right of assembly because they hate America.


HISTORY
We lost in Vietnam because women in the 60s were all feminists who would only date men who got in touch with their feelings.
Men in touch with their feelings can't shoot straight.
Sen. Joe McCarthy was destroyed by a cabal of liberals and secular humanists who hate America.
The Homeland's founding fathers didn't want a government that taxed their Big Macs, soft drinks or health care plans.
The 40s and 50s were great for the Homeland because everyone worked hard and those who didn't didn't eat.
The 60s was a sad time for the Homeland because God was kicked out of schools.


The answers are below. So are you smarter than a Texas 5th grader? If you aren't, don't worry. You can study, work hard and apply yourself. (Which you should be doing anyway.)

By the way, if you are at work or school reading this, that's why you're not smarter than a Texas 5th grader (and may never be). They're not reading this. They probably don't have computers in Texas, either. They're all at home or school, reading the Bible and larnin' all about science. Then they'll graduate and get your job. Then they'll be your boss. Then they'll fire you for being so ignorant. And then they'll be everywhere!

(Uh oh. we're in trouble, too. Quick, help us out here . . . what's the answer to the first question again?)

Answers: all true.

Decent news for Decent folks! Glen Beck wins Rapture rights!

It's now official: God hates the liberal media, churches that do social justice, progressives, Obama, gays, lesbians, and New York City, LA, San Francisco, Europe, Africa, and much of South and Central America.

We know this now because Beck just won the right to broadcast the Rapture.

In a surprise to everyone (except the decent folk everywhere who listen to Beck all day long and were praying for this), Beck now has exclusive rights to the Rapture, including the name, book rights, movie rights, and product tie-ins. No one else can even use the word Rapture without saying “The Rapture Brought To You By Glen Beck.”

"We went after this because we know Beck is a decent, upright, liberal-bashing, true believer, as are his fans, and the other networks aren't," a Beck spokesman said. "We want decency to return to the Homeland and to televisions everywhere. That's why Beck is the one to broadcast the Rapture. Who wants Anderson Cooper or Keith Olbermann to broadcast it? Maybe a secular humanist pinko Homeland hating college professor!"

One problem that has not been ironed out, however, is who would be around to watch a telecast of The Rapture Brought To You By Glen Beck if this event occurs and the world truly ends then. Or who would want to read the books, watch the movies, or buy T-shirts and coffee cups with pictures of Glen Beck on them with a background of The Apocalypse?

Despite that problem, however, Beck producers are very upbeat, as are Fox stockholders. Fox stock went up 50 percent on news of this once-in-a-lifetime telecast.

"We are proud to show this event because we expect it to surpass the combined popularity of the Super Bowl, World Series, Masters Golf Tournament, and Florida 2000 vote count," Beck said. "Viewers should be extremely excited about this. Nothing like this has ever been on TV before. Not even The O'Reilly Factor, as important as that show is, could hope to be this big."

Exactly when this will be on TV is uncertain. Whether this deal is legal is another stumbling block. Regardless of that, however, Fox wants to broadcast at least one more run of American Idol, so if The Rapture comes a little earlier than expected, the the Rapture Brought To You By Glen Beck will not be seen live.

Ask The HMO Accountant

With health care reform on the ropes and everyone sick to death of hearing about it, we decided to once again open our doors to those who need medical help. The clinic is open and the HMO Accountant is in to help you with your medical problems. Remember: this might be the best medical care available to any of us in the very near future future.


Dear HMO Accountant,

I slipped on some ice and ended up buried in a snow drift for three hours before someone walking their dog saw me. If it hadn't been for them, I might have died! As it is, I suffered severe frost bite and am just lucky that nothing had to be amputated. Anyway, you denied my claim and I don't get it. I got hurt, went to the ER and got healthy. Why won't you pay?

Sincerely, Freezing in Fargo

Dear Freezing in Fargo,

It's very important that we work hard to keep the health insurance industry healthy and vibrant so that it will be there when people need it. That means we have to turn down many claims that just don't pass the smell test. In your case, if you stop and think about this, slipping on ice is kind of a pre-existing condition. People in Southern California, for instance, don't slip on ice, whereas people in Fargo tend to. That makes slipping on ice a pre-existing condition that you have. So for us to pay for that pre-existing condition would put us on a slippery slope to financial ruin. Profits would drop. Our stocks would tank. And we'd have to cut the salary of the CEO, which, of course, he won't allow us to do. So, you should probably move to Southern California, where, if you do happen to slip on ice, we'll cover it. But, of course, if you are down there and get bit by a snake, well, that's a pre-existing condition down there, because that probably wouldn't happen in, say, Alaska. It's all in that new booklet we just sent out a couple days ago. Did you get a chance to read it over? Take a look at it, and good luck! Stay healthy!


Dear HMO Accountant,

This health care reform debate is driving me nuts. I've got a nervous twitch in my neck that throws my head back and makes me grit my teeth, which not only hurts a lot but makes it really hard for me to get dates. I look like I'm about to assault someone. On top of that, I'm always angry. I eat and drink too much and am getting really fat. And my digestion is terrible – I keep passing gas and that also makes it really hard to get a date. Why don't you all just get behind reform and let's get on with everything and I'll be healthy and fun to be with again. And maybe someone will date me. I'm really kind of nice and smart. And I want to have kids, hopefully before health insurance stops covering child birth. Please.

Sincerely, Lonely in Louisville,

Dear Lonely in Louisville

Maybe it's a good thing you have these problems. Has that occurred to you? Because if you have good health care, there are devious, manipulative people out there who will date you and then marry you for your health insurance. And is that the kind of relationship you want? I bet not. What will happen to that relationship if you lose your insurance? Or if we deny them coverage for something? Well, they'll blame you, and there you go. So you're actually better off with a nervous twitch, staying home and eating and drinking too much than getting into a relationship like that. Believe me. I've been there. So every time I get a letter like yours, I say: Stick with your own kind. Ask to see someone's health insurance card before you go out and buy them dinner. Ask what if covers. And even if they have health insurance, is it as good as yours? Probably not, because we pride ourselves on satisfying our customers. So stay home. Don't watch the news and you'll be better off. And so will we, because you won't meet someone that you marry who we have to provide coverage for. That's a win-win. So good luck. Stay happy. Stay healthy.


Death HMO Accountant,

Can I make an appointment to see a shrink? I have terrible headaches and am nervous all the time and sometimes hear voices telling me to eat Big Macs until I throw up. I think I really need to talk to someone. Will you cover this?

Sincerely, Tired of burgers in Buffalo

Dear Tired of Burgers in Buffalo,

If you go the shrink route, you might get better for a little while, but you'd soon run up against the lifetime limit on your policy. So we don't think you should do that, although you could. Instead, what has worked for others with similar problems, is for you to just talk back to those voices. If you think that would embarrass you, put a cell phone to your ear when you hear them and talk into it. Loudly. No one will suspect anything, and you'd be empowering yourself at no cost to us. That way, we will always be there for you and others when you need us.

Goodluck! Stay healthy! We're all in this together, so let's all row in the same direction!!