The never-ending campaign for Fearless Leader of Kartoon Kountry was well underway when it became obvious that the serious candidates could no longer avoid talking about her. That meant, of course, that they would have to name her, which brought much fear to them, because they all believed in the Magical Power of Her Cleavage. It was said that any man who gazed upon her cleavage while saying her name aloud would see his beloved penis shrivel up and fall off, hitting the ground with a sickening thud.
So the powers of the Kartoon Party that is the GOP decided that the first times the GOP debated her, she would not be present. And it turned out even better than they expected. All the candidates attacked her successfully, they proved their manliness throughout the debate, and none of their penises shriveled up and fell off.
What follows are quotations as remembered by a writer who, because of a sadly misspent younger adulthood, can’t vouch for their accuracy. If they are not accurate, they are pretty close. And if they are not pretty close, they could be wildly inaccurate. But that should not keep anyone from taking them as truthful. Just repeat them often enough and sooner or later they will become true.
So the candidates started out their debate by establishing their bona fides:
I am a true Republican. I hate gays. Tort reform is good. Trial lawyers suck. Gays destroy marriage and also suck. Trial lawyers destroy businesses. Democrats are stupid. I LOVE RONALD REAGAN!!! I want to be fearless leader so I can bomb Iran.
I LOVE RONALD REAGAN MORE THAN YOU!!! And I would bomb Iran before you would.
Then, to prove Democrats are stupid and ignorant and don’t know anything, a couple of Fearless Leader wannabes said:
Ted Kennedy is fat.
The audience swooned when they heard that, which was the best bona fide of all, and so the debate was underway. Again, the following is a brief look at the evening, as viewed by someone who may or may not be called to account for grossness, inaccuracies, unprofessionalism, bad hair, or any number of other horrible things.
So they came out swinging:
Fox News good. CBS Bad. CNN Sucky! Fox News is news for Patriots. IT’S NOT LIBERAL!!
(Audience applauds and cheers.)
We hate gays at Fox. Gays are destroying our families! WE ARE PATRIOTS!! We love NAASCAR and football. We hate Dan Rather, Michael Moore, Canadian-style healthcare and soccer.
Oh – and France sucks, too.
Important issues to our party: Ronald Reagan. El Salvador. FREEDOM!! And golfing with rich white guys who pick up the tab and give our children high paying jobs.
Then her name came up (and as prayed for, no one’s manliness shriveled up and fell off).
(Audience gasps in fear and listens for the tell-tale thump of little things hitting the stage floor but heard nothing.)
Canadian Health Care System has long lines. (Audience Applauds.) Our Health care system is the best in the world. Always was. Always will be. (Audience goes wild!!!)
Baby Boomers. EVIL BABY BOOMERS. Hippies. Social Security. Old Hippies. Wait until those Old Hippies get the drug benefit. FREE DRUGS!!! They will bankrupt Medicare and Social Security. Baby Boomers evil. 1960s!!! (Audience screams with delight!!)
Michael Moore. HILLARY!! Hollywood. Best damned health care in the world. Can’t get better health care anywhere. This is America. THE HOMELAND!! We made health care great. BEST IN THE WORLD!!!
HILLARY!! I can beat her! SOCIALIZED MEDICINE!! She has never run a corner store. Never met a payroll!! Commander-in-chief Hillary! (Audience screams in alarm!) She’ll come after your guns! Tax you into the grave! She will destroy our great health care system. Must stop her. How? Must stop her!!! (My penis is still there. What a relief. Thank you, Jesus!)
WOODSTOCK! SEX! DRUGS!!! Hillary wants money for Woodstock Memorial! Hippies are back! They want drugs! They’re everywhere!! Remember the 1960s!! Remember Woodstock! Vietnam POW! TIED UP! Didn’t get to Woodstock!!! Hates Woodstock. Hates drugs. Hates Hillary.
Islamofascistterroristtourism. They will follow us home and kill us all. Bomb Iran. Bomb Syria. Bomb Vermont, too, just to be safe! And, why not Canada!!!! (Audience screams in delight!!) Bomb Canada! Vermont!!!!
Prez. Hillary. Tax increases! She will take your guns! (Audience boos.) Socialized medicine. DID YOU KNOW SHE’S A WOMAN!!!! (Audience screams in fear!!)
The world is scary! Be afraid! I’m strong. Ronald Reagan strong. Hillary not strong. She’s a woman! BE VERY SCARED!!! SHE HAS NO PENIS!!!
More troops! Attack! More tanks. Missiles. Missiles good. Putin bad. BUT HILLARY!!! EVIL!!!
Ronald Reagan. (Audience applauds.) Ronald Reagan!! (Audience cheers.) RONALD REAGAN!!
It ended and they all walked off, each with the continued glory of his own manliness. It was a successful debate, for each now knew that he could take on Hillary, state her name, and not have his manliness shrivel up like a raisin and fall off. They had passed this test. There would be more to come, but now they were ready for her.