You have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide. You have nothing to hide if you have nothing to fear.
So fear nothing and you need not hide. Hide nothing and you need not fear.

The motto of the Department of Homeland Decency

Monday, August 23, 2010

HATEFEST 2010! A few more things Republicans could easily hate if they just their minds to it.

Republicans: You're not working hard enough! There are still many hateful things out there you are not foaming at the mouth over. Don't just sit there and expect others to do it! It's up to you to. Accept responsibility. If you work hard, yes, you can teach us all to hate and do it just as well as you do!

You need some examples to get yourself worked up so you can hate as well as other Republicans? Well, pick something, anything. Sidewalk sales, for instance. So far Republicans haven't expressed any strong hatred for Sidewalk Sales, but that doesn't mean they couldn't. Suppose Newt, the guy with the Ph.D. and all the great ideas, got up one day and said: “Who goes to sidewalk sales? What do they buy there? Did you know that Sidewalk Sales have roots in Arab markets? The shoe bomber bought his shoes at Arab markets.” Then Fox News starts investigating: “Terrorists buy phones and wires at Sidewalk Sales that blow up our troops.” Then McCain: “What's wrong with your local mall? Malls are American, run by Americans. Plus they have guards there to keep terrorists and other brown people out. People who go to Sidewalk Sales hate America.”

If you work hard and practice, you can learn to hate just about anything. Here's more stuff you could hate, if you just put in a good honest effort! (And just so everyone knows: there's still plenty of time between now and November to hate a lot more things. You're just going to have to work really really really hard at it. . . .)

Tofu Eaters. Mitt Romney, so afraid of being seen as a cultist Mormon liberal big government type, starts it off: “Tofueaters don't go to my Country Clubs. We eat steaks and chicken and good American foods at my Country Clubs!” Fox News sportscasters point out: “Brett Favre avoids tofu. And he doesn't let his lineman get near the stuff. That's why he's lasted so long. Who do you want defending you from some 350-pound defensive end: Some Ph.D. football player from Harvard who eats tofu? or someone from Oklahoma who eats raw steer meat for breakfast?” And finally Palin chirps in: “Obama loves tofu.”

Men With Cats.
Cokie Roberts starts it off by pointing out: “A dog is a man's best friend. Cats are exotic and if you think about it, they are aloof like Obama. They act like they hate America.” Maureen Dowd displays her knowledge of men with cats: “Men with cats don't know how to load a gun. They don't want to know. If a burglar terrorist were breaking into your home to steal your TV and your daughter's honor, what's a man with a cat gonna do? Cook up some tofu for the terrorist burglar and negotiate? Men: Don't let your daughters fall for a man with a cat. I know. I've been there.”

Foreign Countries. Bill Kristol finally says it: “Let's just admit it: Foreign countries have no reason to exist except as another place for the U.S. to invade.” Steve Doocy expresses how poorly he was treated in foreign countries: “Have you ever been to one? First, you have to learn their language. Then you have to deal with their cabbies who are trying to cheat you out of a few pennies and try to get them to give you the right change. Then figure out their currency.” Gretchen Carlson gets really excited at this: “And have you ever eaten dinner in a foreign country? Those foreign chefs look down their noses at hamburgers and such.” David Brooks makes it sound intelligent: “Plus foreign countries are just sitting there taking up space and sitting on who knows how many billions – or even trillions – of dollars worth of resources. Someone should mine or harvest all that and then put to good use here in the Homeland.” Finally, Dick Cheney rises from the dead and says: “Liberals like to travel to foreign countries. That's why we hate all foreign countries. So, we need to invade all the foreign countries that we haven't yet invaded, convert everyone there to capitalism, take their good stuff, and then have a steak for dinner.”

Broccoli. Michele Bachmann, who probably never serves broccoli, says: “It's hard to spell. It's a vegetable. And it just leads to harder socialist stuff. If you serve it to your kids, before you know it they will be eating tofu!”

Old Thin Men. Rush Limbaugh starts this one off: “Who are they trying to impress? Do they think that because they are thin they will get more sex than all of us fat old men? There's nothing worse than getting on a plane, sitting across the aisle from an old thin man, and watching him eat. The bag of peanuts fills him up. Then he has a glass of water.” Mika Brezinski chimes in: “Have you ever noticed how thin old Muslim men are? Just something to think about . . .” And Michele Bachmann brings the hatred home: “And, by the way, have you noticed how thin our Muslim president is? Just thinking out loud here. . . .”

Bike lanes. Talk radio in any town is always on top of this issue: “They take up space that cars could use. They get in the way. Cyclists wear funny clothes. And they don't pay for that space. That's what Communists did. So give all that space to cars and keep bikes off the roads, on sidewalks or elsewhere. (And don't get me started on buses!!!!)”

You go, Republicans! Work on it. The rest of us are feeling left out.

Monday, August 16, 2010

The NEW IMPROVED U.S. Constitution!

It's been a long, hot summer, made hotter by all the people who don't understand the U.S. Constitution. So to avoid all this strife in future years, The New and Improved U.S. Constitution is now in force. It will guarantee an end to all these pointless discussions on things like religious freedom, torture, and same-sex marriage that just waste our time and keep us from taking our country back from those who have made it into a European, Muslim suburb.

So, coming soon to a courthouse and school near you is:

The New and Improved U.S. Constitution (YAY!!)

We the REAL Americans, in order to form a more perfect union (“Perfect Union” by definition outlaws labor, teachers', government employees', or same-sex unions under this new and improved constitution) establish justice for all REAL Americans, promote the welfare for those who truly DESERVE it (and can prove they deserve it by showing pay stubs, tax forms and a bona fide birth certificate), and secure the blessings of liberty for us, our kids and neighbors (who were born in the U.S. of A. of REAL America mothers, not some foreign woman here on vacation or here working illegally).

Section 1: Congress can only pass laws that meet common sense, which is a law that is no more than two pages in length and comprised of words no longer than six letters. That means: no Cap and Trade, no Health Insurance Reform, no Bank Reform, no Campaign Finance Reform, and no Helmet Laws!

Section 2: If any law passes that isn't common sensical and a REAL American (which by definition is someone born herein the U.S. of A. of a REAL American mother) doesn't like it, immediate elections will be held for all those who voted for it. If not enough bums are thrown out in said election, new representatives shall be appointed by a board of respected Tea Partiers who are appointed to one year terms annually at the annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention.

Section 3: Taxes can only be cut, never increased.

Section 4: Corporations are people, too, and have one vote per each million dollars in profits.

Section 5: Only REAL Americans can run for president. No Kenyan can be president. If one is elected accidentally, a new election will be immediately held with all Kenyans removed from the ballot.

Section 6: The judicial branch shall consist of non-activist judges who have displayed in their writings and lives a keen interest and understanding in taking the country back from those who have made it unrecognizable. Judges with more than six children shall be given preference in appointments and salaries.

Section 7: Praying loudly is allowed in schools.

Section 8: Evolution and sex education aren't.

Section 9: In the interests of maintaining a well-regulated and well-prepared militia, everyone will be required to own three guns and two boxes of ammo for each.

Section 10: Only those born in the U.S. of REAL Americans can be citizens. All others will need to go to the closest immigration office and apply and learn all about how great we are.

Section 11: Tofurkey cannot be served on Thanksgiving, Christmas or Indepence Day but it can be served on lesser holidays.

Section 12: This document can be changed only at the annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention and only by a majority vote. The Annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention will be held each year on the weekend after Independence Day and lots of fireworks will be lit.