You have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide. You have nothing to hide if you have nothing to fear.
So fear nothing and you need not hide. Hide nothing and you need not fear.

The motto of the Department of Homeland Decency

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Our holiday letter to all (six of) our fans

Hello, friends, family and everyone else out there. What a hectic year! “No rest for the wicked” as they say. Right from the start of the year we were busy. On New Year’s Day Bill lost a finger in a ham slicing incident. And he's always thinking of others first -- that's why I love him. All the way to the ER he worried about his bowling team -- could they win without him? Well, he just went on and on until finally he went into shock and passed out. The good news: The doctors reattached his finger. The bad news: He is still rolling a lot of gutter balls.

In March, an addition to our family -- a dog. I know I’ve talked about this in other years, but this year we did it. A big frisky mutt! It just runs around and barks and eats and barks and sleeps and barks some more. Bill says it barks in its sleep, too, and one night when it was making noises in our bedroom, Bill tried to push it down to the basement. Well, it didn’t like that and before you knew it, it had Bill on his back and its jaws around Bill’s neck. So the dog still sleeps in the bedroom and Bill wears ear plugs. Bill also doesn’t go near the dog when it’s eating.

A low point of the year: Our car blew up in Nebraska. We were visiting friends over the Fourth of July and the men were shooting bottle rockets out of beer bottles. Well, one went a little astray and flew under our sport utility vehicle. I don’t know what it hit under there, but it had to be the biggest fireworks in Nebraska that weekend. It was a sad moment -- Bill really loved to tailgate hybrids on the freeway and flash his lights at them -- but the kids were really impressed. They wanted to see another car blow up. Bill still chuckles about that, but I can see in his eyes that he misses that car.

In August we began seeing a marital counselor. We’ve had some money and sexual issues for several years now, and I’ve been trying to get Bill to do this. Finally he did and you would all be proud of the way he opened up. He talked at length about a young secretary at work he “dated” a few times. I suspected as much, but I thought it was with Tina down the street. She always looked a little too hard at Bill. I enjoyed this at first because it made me feel good that others were interested in Bill and his middle-aged plumpiness, but then I grew to dislike it. All in all, I’d say the marital counseling helped. We still have money and sexual issues, but I feel better. I don’t know about Bill, though. He hasn’t said much about this since.

Both Bill, Jr., and Lisa are in high school this year and it is very trying for us. They are into liberal politics and veganism and they got their noses pierced and then volunteered to work at a food shelf. School is going well: Their teachers say they get along well with other kids and that they have very good handwriting. But we really aren’t sure what to do about having liberals and vegans in the family. Don't you have to eat meat to be big and strong? I don't know. I just hope they will outgrow all this and start drinking beer and wearing baseball caps backwards like we used to -- and we turned out fine. Nothing wrong with a little normalcy, I always say!

And Thanksgiving was an exciting holiday in our household. Bill cut another finger off in another ham slicing incident. We were very lucky this time that it wasn’t his bowling hand, because the dog was right there ready to grab anything landing on the floor. I swear, it looked like it inhaled that finger before it was even halfway to the floor! Bill was very upset, of course, but there wasn’t much we could do. We just hopped in the car and drove to the ER. He, of course, now thinks its a hound from hell, but I still love it. And I couldn’t get a word in edgewise, so I was just glad when he went into shock and shut up. Whoever first said silence is golden is a true poet.

Our Christmas tree is up. No accidents to report -- it was a very normal family event. We went to the tree lot, bought a tree and brought it home. Bill is always very good at sawing the stump even so the tree stands straight. Even with his hand still in a big bandage, he got the job done and now the tree is up and decorated. Bill, Jr., and Lisa sit around it with us and sometimes even talk to us. Yesterday, they asked for advice about sex! It’s been such a long time since I’ve been on a date that I had nothing to say. So I made Bill say a few words since he was “dating” that young secretary recently.

In other news, the dog seems to get along with Bill, Sr., much better since it ate his finger -- it even obeys him occasionally. It’s almost as if it knows Bill is going to have another accident and wants to be there for it.

So after this difficult year, we are one happy family now. There truly seems to be some magic at work during this holiday season.

Happy Holidays, everyone. We’ll send you another report next year!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Dump Bernanke

Check out this exchange between Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke and Rep. Alan Grayson (D-FL) about unaccounted-for loans the Fed made:

GRAYSON: So who got the money?

BERNANKE: Financial institutions in Europe and other countries.

GRAYSON: Which ones?

BERNANKE: I don't know.

GRAYSON: Half-a-trillion dollars and you don't know who got the money?

In total, over a trillion dollars are unaccounted for. Reps. Grayson and Ron Paul (R-TX) propose an audit of the Federal Reserve, but Bernanke opposes it.

Hearings to confirm Bernanke to another four-year term are this week. If that offends you, go here to sign a petition to deny him another term.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

America's biggest victim of the year

Screw that hogwash about getting up early and working hard to get ahead. Scrimping. Saving. Teaching your kids to be honest and upright and live moderately. Screw all that. Here's the truth: the early bird doesn't get the worm. And if you think about it, who wants to get up early and get a worm anyway? You're a sucker if you do. Life's tough, and eating worms just isn't much of a reward, so you might as well sleep late. Get a little satisfaction and pleasure before you have to get to your crappy job, anyway.
Especially these days. Do bankers get up early and eat worms? Not unless they are cooked at the French Laundry or are prepared personally by Mario and cost about $200 for a plate of three worms imported fresh from the steaming volcanic soils of Asia. Then they'll eat them. Plus, they'll love them even more because the rest of us can't afford them. Otherwise, hell no, they're not going to eat worms. The early bird gets the worm? It's a nice saying that might have helped build America, but it's kind of an unfortunate expression today.
These days, if you want to get ahead and be rich, famous and powerful, be a victim. That's the way to go. That's the route to riches. Palin's a victim. Prejean's a victim. McCain's a victim. So's Fox News. And let's not forget the whole Republican party and anyone who waits in line at a Palin book signing. So are bankers and everyone making big bucks on Wall Street. They are victims because we don't like them, want to slap regulations on banks, want to take their bonuses away and tax the crap out of them. We want to tax their country club memberships, take away their corporate jets and make them fly coach. We want to tax their estates when they die so their kids don't get anything. Poor victimized bankers.
America loves its victims. Victims get ahead because America is a nation of victims. We are all victims here in America. America itself is a victim. We suffered the tragedy of 9/11. We were just sitting here driving our SUVs three blocks to McDonalds for breakfast or watching Fox News, minding our own business, when out of the blue, we're attacked. Damn terrorists! What'd we ever do to them? Nothing! Then we take the fight over there so we don't have to fight them over here in our streets and the world hates us. We didn't do anything. We're the victims here, not the terrorists.
The question now is: who, in a country of victims, is America's biggest victim? Health insurance companies? Lou Dobbs? Carrie Prejean? It's a good question. Here are some suggestions and explanations for their choice. If you have others, send them in.

John McCain. Lost the presidency because ACORN thugs stuffed the ballots and robbed him. And then Sarah Palin went rogue and didn't do what she was told and made him look stupid. And George Bush ruined the economy for him, not to mention Bush ruining America's love of war. Whoever would've thought America would stop loving war? There we were in two glorious wars and McCain is a red-blooded real American warrior itching to be commander-in-chief, and Bush ruined it for him. He made America dislike war!!! Can you believe it? Liberal hippy war protesters have been trying to do that for 40 years and couldn't. Bush did it in, like, six. Only a hugely powerful incompetence could accomplish that. Which makes the argument for McCain being America's biggest victim very meaty.

Sarah Palin. Bloggers say the nastiest things about her. So do reporters. And liberals. And pundits. And Democrats. And Katie Couric. And Charlie Gibson. And anyone who hasn't shot and field-dressed a moose has probably said bad things about her. And how can anyone stay in office with all those bad things being said? Can't. They made her quit being governor. When God told her He wanted her to go to Washington and put prayer back in schools and abortionists in prison, He didn't tell her it would be so difficult on her and her family. It's all in her book. Buy it and weep for her. (And if you don't buy it, you're victimizing her!) Fortunately, now that she's on a book tour, she doesn't have to talk to Couric or Gibson or folks like that. Just friendly Fox people. And, by the way, what's wrong with asking Iowa Republicans for $100,000 or so to show up there to give speeches to Republicans? Why are they victimizing her? Just because no Republican has done it before doesn't mean it's not a good idea. It's Iowa, for God's sake. Have you ever been to Iowa? If you have, you'll know why she wants $100,000 to go there.

Carrie Prejean. How dare anyone say anything about her sex tapes and topless photographs and breast jobs and walking around in a bikini on stage? Don't those people have lives? They shouldn't be prying into hers. And who is Perez Hilton and why is someone like that even allowed to be in the same room with her? Or on the same planet as her? It's just not right that someone like him could destroy her beauty career just when she's in the prime of her beauty and everyone wants to see her in a bikini. If God didn't want people to look at her in a bikini, God wouldn't have created bikinis. And why did Donald Trump fire her? Who's he to criticize her? Just being in the same room with his hair made one of her breasts sag! It was all just too much! And now they want her to pay for her fake breasts! What's the world coming to when a good Christian beauty queen is made such fun of?

And the Republican Party. They don't get to pray in schools, and secular humanist atheist liberals want to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance and off all our coins and soon everyone will get damned to Hell, even good Republicans, who didn't do anything but work hard and get good jobs in their dads' banks and take money from poor undeserving sinners so that it could be put it to good hard work in the banker's portfolios and their children's education funds. And prayer is gone from the public square. That's why we're all going to hell and it's the liberals' fault. But God's a Republican, so He will understand. He won't send us to Hell, once we explain it to him. And Bush wasn't so hot, either. He was never a real Republican, not like Palin or tea baggers. Bush let us down. We'll tell God and God'll send Bush to Hell for that!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Goldman Sachs and the one-man one-boat principle

Here's a little known historical fact that makes it easier to understand how Goldman Sachs scored 200 doses of H1N1 vaccine: Goldman Sachs execs traveling on the Titanic got the first 10 lifeboats off the ship. And not just seats; each exec got one lifeboat all to himself. One man, one boat: the founding principle of our Wall Street democracy. Even back then they were special, probably because even then they were doing God's work.

But when a ship like the Titanic sinks, sending lots of commoners to a cold and watery grave, you don't want a story about your leaders abandoning a ship like rats. You have to come up with something. So the Goldman Sachs PR department went into its full damage control mode, and they were awfully good at this, even in those early days of PR. Back then, PR departments were new and the public had no idea people might lie to them about these things. But he Goldman Sachs PR department, well, they knew they had to get ahead of this story and stay there. Even for decades, if necessary.

So as soon as rumors started spreading that 10 executives survived the sinking of the Titanic because they had their own private lifeboats, the PR pros went into seclusion to resolve this. They worked long hours, long into the night, arguing back and forth about what to do to preserve the good name of Goldman Sachs. But they couldn't come up with anything. Too many people lost lives, and the public was viewing it as a great tragedy. Then out of the blue, when they were about to give up and go look for other careers, it came to them: Blame the Titanic.

It was brilliant,and at the time only the Goldman Sachs PR department could conceive of an idea like this. Blame the Titanic and its builders. They didn't build a strong enough ship. They cut corners. They were smug and arrogant. They shouldn't have been going so fast through fields of icebergs. Plus, there weren't enough lifeboats on the ship. And the captain was kind of craven; was he looking for a promotion? A book deal? The adulation of men and women everywhere? Blame the ship. Who could ever argue that? The ship was miles below the surface, as was any evidence that might prove the Goldman PR department wrong.

And that wasn't all. They also would weave stories of brave men who gave up their seats on lifeboats so women and children could survive. And the crowning glory of this PR effort: a brave orchestra that continued to play, even as the ocean swirled around their feet and legs. Again, who could argue that this never happened? A bunch of women and children in lifeboats who were cold and grieving for their husbands, fathers and brothers and so weren't very reliable witnesses? It was the perfect touch for this noble story: Musicians playing to the end, providing a heavenly sound on this hellish night.

As we now know, the public loved these stories. They wanted more, and they bought books and newspapers and everything else that provided these stories. When movies became popular, they flocked to movies about the Titanic, because it confirmed their belief in the dignity of mankind. We could face death, even a fearfully cold death with courage and grace.

Shoved aside, as was foreseen by the Goldman Sachs PR department, was the fact that 10 Goldman Sachs executives got private lifeboats off the Titanic. The execs even left behind their wives (all Goldman execs back then were men) and children. Most of these families, of course, survived by getting on lifeboats later. But when they told their story of being left behind by their husbands and fathers, no one believed them. Again: they were women who had suffered horribly and so were not reliable witnesses. They didn't have good PR people working for them. The other story was too good, proving, as it did once again, how noble and advanced we were, how god-like we had become.

Plus, we lived in the same country that Wall Street was on.

That's the true history of this epochal event. This is the first time this story has been made public,and we have it here only because a mysterious envelope was delivered to us. Whether it is true or not, we don't know. We believe it is, because, after all, we are talking about Goldman Sachs.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The Basement Church of The Perpetual Loons

We are planning our own health care reform and are seeking motivated partners/investors to join us in our venture. We are in the process of establishing the first ever Basement Church of the Perpetual Loons and are seeking others to develop franchises all across the nation.

This promises to be a great and lucrative opportunity for those willing to jump in and take a chance. Are you one of these? Are you willing to take a chance and establish The Basement Church of the Perpetual Loons in your basement?

Because of the health care reform proposals currently working through Congress, churches may soon be partners in the healing arts. They may even be considered providers, which means their agents will be eligible for reimbursement for providing prayers to heal the sick and infirm. We have Senator Orrin Hatch to thank for this reform, and to honor him we are making him the patron saint of our church. We also plan to be known henceforth as Orrininnies. Praise be to Brother Orrin!

But we must move quickly and forthrightly. Established churches already have the infrastructure in place, so they are way ahead of us and might get some of the biggest reimbursement checks. That is why we Orrininnies plan to begin treatments quickly. We must prove that we too are established and have plenty of infrastructure and prayer-structure in place.

Our first prayer clinic just opened this morning right here in our basement. And our first prayer was for a brother's conception: “Dear Saint Orrin, please empower this husband's seed to burst through any and all obstacles, both natural and supernatural, so that one seed may make it home and impregnate this woman and bring her happiness and contentment in her natural state. Keep her fertile and desirous in the eyes of her husband so that he hurries home to fill her with seed every day. And keep him powerful and potent so that she never turns his needs down. Amen.”

We believe that with prayers like that, a prayer-practitioner easily could receive up to $100 from insurance companies each time that particular prayer is delivered. We are working on many other healing prayers as well, and we have a number of architects and designers working on designs that will fit into any basement space, even one with a rec room, pool table and bar. With our designs, these and other assorted furnishings easily become part of the basement church.

This can all be yours very quickly. We estimate that a person of average intelligence can have their basement church and prayer practice up and running in a little over a week. With our designs, it takes only a few days to change your rec room into a prayer and rec room, and no more than five days of study to become a qualified prayer-practitioner. Within two weeks of signing up, you can start healing your friends. Insurance company reimbursements will soon flood your mail box!

And to make sure there are no problems with scientists and ACLU types, we plan to write all prayers scientifically so they will have the strongest impact possible. They will be tested against control groups that receive non-tested prayers delivered by non-qualified prayer-practitioners. There will be blind studies and control groups to satisfy all those atheist nitpickers out there. We will then follow up on those we treated to determine exactly what prayer provided the best survivability index. So you, as a franchisee of The Basement Church of the Perpetual Loons, can guarantee your clients immediate results and charge insurance companies top dollar!

We believe that prayer care is in everyone's interests these days. It keeps costs low, because we don't have to charge as much as medical practitioners. We don't have years of expensive training. Our overhead is much lower as well, because our clinic is right in our basement. We also don't have to worry about washing our hands, so we don't have to buy as much soap.

It all leads to lower costs, which means cost savings across the board, which is what everyone wants, especially the insurance companies. We see this as leading to a time when insurance companies will no longer have to kick people off their insurance rolls. Instead, they will send their old sick clients to us for care, and we will take care of them, probably for as little as $250 or $300 a pop.

This is health care reform we can all support.

So please contact us if you are interested in joining our national chain of Basement Churches of the Perpetual Loons. For one small investment, you can make up to $50,000 a week without ever leaving the comfort of your basement. That's $50,000 a week!

Contact us now and start your new life as an overpaid Health Insurance CEO today!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Get me rewrite! Making the Bible more conservative

The Bible isn't conservative enough. Not only is it not conservative enough, the main reason it isn't is because liberals wrote it. And as you know, liberals have no morals or decency and exist only to destroy all that is good and decent.

This is, however, being corrected. The folks at are now rewriting the Bible. They plan to bring back the purity and goodness that was supposed to be in it, and would have been, except that the liberals and atheists of yesteryear ruined it. This is going to be a huge effort and will take years.

We here at Last Laugh plan to keep you informed of all the major developments in this effort. Our first post here of the following memo was dropped off on our front doorstep by persons unknown. The memo is only a first draft, a working draft, so things will certainly change and some of the ideas mentioned will be discarded. But it will give you an idea of the scope of this project and what the final effort will look like. We promise to post more of these as we come across them.

From: Brother L.
To: Conservative Bible Project Working Group
In re: Initial thoughts and ideas – FOR YOUR EYES ONLY!!!

TOP SECRET! Do not leave notes or other papers around your workplace or home! Return by hand delivery. Do not trust the mails or any package delivery service. Especially do not E-mail!! This is top secret. For your eyes only!!

My initial thoughts about purging liberalism from The Holy Bible follow. I need feedback and input.

Page one: The phrase “day of rest.” Too “union-y”? Sure, God created everything in six days and then the seventh was His day of rest. But doesn't this phrase encourage workers to unionize so they can push for extra vacation, days off, bathroom breaks, longer lunches, etc. Too much idle time only weakens the moral fiber of mankind and leads to perversion, right?

My suggestion: take it out. God can still look out over His creation and do a few things to keep Himself occupied. I mean, He's God. He can do anything. He can rest but who says He needs a whole day to get a good rest! He can get a day's rest in a minute if he wants to - He's God, after all. Maybe that's the way to go: “He rested for a minute.” It's like a coffee break. A coffee break isn't as “union-y” and it won't lead to moral lapses. Thoughts?

Also page one: OK, God created man in His image. That's written clearly, so there is no doubt that God is a man. So why do some people say that God is a woman? How about putting this in bold face! With a couple of exclamation marks: God created man in his image!!! Doesn't that get your attention? We could even try a bigger font size. Or a different color font maybe?

Also page one: It says God made man and gave him dominion over the animals. Now, I'm not a language expert, but if you have dominion over something, don't you need some way to maintain that dominion? Otherwise the animals won't take you seriously. E.g., I wouldn't have dominion over lions and tigers without a weapon. So shouldn't our Bible mention the tools/weapons needed to maintain dominion? I see the hand of liberals in this. I bet there were bleeding-heart do-gooders back then who saw something about “dominion over animals” and “tools” and started screaming about animal rights and how we should all be vegans. “Tools” is good but vague, so let's be specific and mention guns. Something like: “Man has dominion over animals and the better of a shot thou art, the more dominion thou shalt have!” Guns would be a good addition here for our Bible and wouldn't it be fun to cite Biblical verses that mention guns?

Page two: The “tree of knowledge” is a great phrase. But it doesn't go anywhere. We are not supposed to eat of the tree of knowledge, and many of us don't. But the question is, where does this ban on eating “of the tree of knowledge” leave professors and the teachers' unions? I think we need to expand this section so it's obvious that God meant professors and teachers' unions are not good things and should be shunned by all good people. Keep your kids away from them, too.

Also page two: One last point and then I have to leave and go to Bible class. Eve ate the apple and then the Bible says they sewed fig leaves together and made “aprons” and wore them. I'm sure that's not right. Men do not wear aprons. They never have. They wear pants. I am positive this apron thing is part of the homosexual “put a homo in every home” agenda that somehow made it into the Bible thousands of years ago. We have to take this out. They didn't even have aprons back then. Women didn't wear aprons – they just wore whatever they had on when they cooked. Am I right?

That's all I have time for now. Let me know what you think. This is a great project we are working on. I know the world will thank us when we are finished. And remember: don't let anyone else see this. They'll just use it to destroy us.

Monday, October 5, 2009

A Hunter's Journal

Deer hunting season comes but once a year and provides real Americans with the chance to get in touch with their inner hunter-gatherers and bond with those souls everywhere who respond to the call of the wild. Those of us on the liberal fringes of society never experience this, because so many of us are vegans or PETA members or anti-gun or too bookish. Whatever it is, there is a huge chasm separating us. So we provide here a hunter's diary that we believe will bridge this gap by showing how the pursuit of deer with guns has shaped America and made American men the most independent and strong in the world. We liberals should learn much from this so that we, too, can be strong and independent.

It’s cold, it’s wet, and I can’t feel my toes. God, I love hunting. . . . Hope I don’t fall out of my deer stand again this year.

It’s the fresh air, the call of the wild, the guys, the guns, the bad jokes, peeing outdoors. I even like the planning. Where do we stay? Who’s buying the food? The booze? Who will cook and clean up? Women aren’t there to help with these things. Men have to do it all, and that’s what hunting is all about – strong, independent men bonding so the species survives for another generation.

I’m in my deer stand. Nothing can see me. Not any deer. Not any hunters. But bullets whiz by. What are they shooting at? I don’t see anyone, anything. Is there a deer out there? Wait a second . . . is that a deer? I shoot. I listen . . . I hear a moo. . . .

Wow, my feet are cold. Too bad about Joe. I miss him this year. Maybe he’ll be walking without pain next year. I bet Joe could have climbed up into the stand this year. I think he didn’t want to. I miss him. I miss just sitting here with our guns and cold feet. Maybe a little whiskey. Listening to the bullets whiz by. . .

Lunch time! Finally! Warm up my feet and fingers. Nothing like a couple burgers and fries. Comfort food. Whoa - hit the deck! Who’s shooting at this cabin? God, they hit the TV - damn, I wanted to watch some porn tonight. Wonder what they’re shooting at out there.

Back in my stand, still really cold. I see something move - I shoot. What is it? Dunno, but I probably missed. I’m such a bad shot!

Damn, if I don’t get something this year, I’ll never hear the end of it. Not after falling out of my stand last year and pulling Joe down with me. It really wasn’t my fault. Joe brought the whiskey up there and I was just standing up to piss over the edge when a couple of bullets whizzed by awfully close to me. They surprised me - anyone could have lost their balance. So I grabbed Joe.

Anyway, I don’t think the fall is what really hurt Joe so it’s not really my fault. I think that stray bullet that came out of nowhere and hit him in the leg while we were driving to the hospital is why his leg still hurts today. Can you imagine that? Driving down a county road and a bullet hits a passenger in the leg. A big black SUV doesn’t look anything like a deer . . . What are hunters thinking?

I’m feeling my toes again. That’s a good sign - it means I'm really alive! It's not like sitting in the office, falling asleep . . . Wait . . . I see something moving over there. I aim, squeeze the trigger slowly. Then a second shot. Did I hit it? Probably not. Damn! I thought for sure this was my year to get a dear, not a cow like last year. I tell you, if you shoot a cow and then fall out of your blind and break your friend’s leg - well, guys being guys, they won’t let you forget. I’ve heard jokes for a year.

Dinnertime. No one got a deer. Got a few shots off but no one is sure at what. But so what? What is important is that we are men. We are bonding, we are renewed, we are in touch with all the men of generations past who, like us, did what they had to do to ensure the species survived. And on our own, without women . . .

We’re eating steaks and drinking good whiskey. Another day has passed and the species has survived. But too bad about the TV. Plus our truck took a few bullets - one rear window is out and a couple holes in the side panel - nothing major, though.

But next year . . . we have to start planning . . . where should we go . . . where is the best hunting?

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Health care reform FAQS

It's hard to keep up with all the issues and facts in the Health Care Reform debates. Will reform kill Granny? Am I going to die while waiting for an MRI the way they do in Canada and Britain? Will we end up a socialist atheist society where soda and potato chips are taxed to pay for Obamacare? And what about those White House deals with PHARMA? Will the pharmaceutical industry go bankrupt and will we all die if we don't PHARMA everything they demand?

These are difficult questions and to be honest, it's all just driving us crazy. So, for those who wish to remain SANE until our representative form of government works its magic, here are the answers to everything you need to know about health care reform.

Why do our insurance companies hate us? Do they really want us to die?
Because there are too many of you and too many people leads to massive traffic jams. And that means that successful Americans like health insurance CEOs can't drive really really fast. It's that simple. Too many people is the problem. So our health insurance industry is working on that. (But don't worry, they don't want you to die. At least not yet. There is still money to collect from all of you.)

It seems that insurance companies giving all that money to our elected representatives is wasteful. Wouldn't it be cheaper for the insurance companies simply to give us that money, sort of a payment not to get sick or make claims? Most of us would be as glad to be bought off as our elected representatives are.
One of the little pleasures insurance folks get in life is denying claims. (Don't knock it until you've tried it!) Would you deny them that? That's probably another reason they hate you. (See above FAQ). You keep them from driving fast. You jam up golf courses because there are so many of you and then you play really slowly because you're a crappy golfer! You smell. You want to tax the rich just like in communist countries. You don't dress well. And now you want to deny them the joys of denying claims. And to bribe you – and you offer nothing in return! 

Monday, September 21, 2009

The long and incredibly sordid history of ACORN (according to Glenn Beck)

1928: Association of Communist Organizations forms to raise funds for the new international labor organization REVOLUTION NOW! The two organizations are committed to building camps worldwide where communists and union thugs will be secretly trained to defeat capitalism. George Soros's grandfather is seen smoking dope and consorting with prostitutes at a camp built high in Mexico's Sierre Madre mountains where vacationing capitalists are kidnapped, held for ransom and regularly flogged by campers.
1935: REVOLUTION NOW! is dismantled and its members are hired by the newly formed United Auto Workers. Applicants were told by ACO to lie on their applications just so they would be comfortable lying. This ability to lie became the trademark of ACO as it slowly evolved into ACORN.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Tim Pawlenty Primer

Tim Pawlenty is running for president. Watch Tim run. Run, Tim, run. Run run run.
He is Republican governor of Minnesota. What do Republican governors do? Fight Democrats. Watch Tim fight all the Democrats in Minnesota. Over anything. Fight, Tim, fight. Just say no, Tim. No no no.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Ask Your Health Plan lobbyist

And you thought you couldn't afford a lobbyist! Or good health insurance!
How wrong you were. Now, because of the great work that Your Health Plan lobbyist and his colleagues have done, you can get the very best coverage Your Health Plan can afford, and without the nuisance of lines, embarrassing questions, pokes or prods. Just ask Your Health Plan lobbyist! And get your answers right away! What does that pain in your stomach mean? Do you really need a second opinion? Should you buy the expensive drug your have been using - or will two aspirin and a good night's rest do just as well?
Your Health Plan is offering you this one-time offer today only for just $250 a month. Your Health Plan lobbyist will be there for you 24/7 and you won't have to leave your house, find a parking spot, wait in a doctor's office (like a Canadian!), or have to answer embarrassing questions about weight, drinking habits, sexual activities, and who knows what else.
Plus you'll get your questions answered and a clear-cut, no-nonsense plan of action that will get you healthy again and keep Your Health Plan healthy for decades so it will always be there when you need it!
As an added bonus, say you saw this offer here on this website and get a free invitation to Your Health Plan lobbyist's next fundraiser for your favorite local elected officials!
Sign up today and keep your health care costs from bankrupting Your Health Plan.
The following is an example of the excellent medical advice you can get when you have your own personal health plan lobbyist working for you instead of against you.

Dear Health Plan lobbyist:
I'm so thankful for a medical plan I can afford that also won't ruin our great country and lead to socialism, communism, fascism and Nazism. Thank you for your efforts at keeping our country great! But here's my problem: I can't straighten my leg out. My knee is really big, too. And a funny color. And my dog won't come over when I call it, probably because my knee smells really bad.
Thanks for any help you can give me. And keep up your good work on keeping America great and competitive!
Sincerely, Aching in Arkansas

Monday, August 31, 2009

Beat the death panels! or: The Granny Survivalist Guide

They are doing heroic work fighting the granny-killing death panels over at,, among others. It's too early to say if granny killers been defeated, but everyone can be confident that granny is safer today than she was two weeks ago.

But the problem is: can you trust a man who is afraid to show you his birth certificate? If someone asked to see mine, I'd show it. I'm proud of it. I was born in America and I'm not afraid to let folks now. In fact, I plan to tape a copy to my front door so everyone can see it.

Will he do the same on the front door of the White House?

We can't relax yet. That's why all those fine folk at those God-fearing, abortionist-hating, patriotic websites listed above have a Plan B, just in case the death panels get life breathed into them: products, programs, guidelines and exercises you and granny can do to help her beat the death panels.

We've listed some of the ones we like here. To us, these are heart-warming examples of what made America great: real Americans coming together against those liberal atheist baby-killing unreal Americans and beating the living daylights out of them. And, you know, it's inspiring, too. And isn't it just great fun? I'd forgotten how much I enjoy it!

1. Granny's A Warrior! From the folks at comes this program based on the Navy SEAL program that so successfully taught our commandos to withstand brutal torture at the hands of jihadists. And don't think Granny standing in front of a Death Panel won't be torture! They'll make her stand there for hours without shoes or her orthopedic inserts. They might also turn the air conditioner way up, so she'll be cold and tired. It's all set up so they can say she's no longer of much value and can be put down like an old horse and then shipped to the flue factory. But this Granny's A Warrior program will give her the upper hand. So much so that by the time the Death Panel is done with her, they'll be voting to kill themselves!

2. Granny's Guns Talk! How about a little gun rack that will fit on any wheelchair, walker, cane or neck brace? Have Granny appear before that Death Panel with an assault rifle bigger than she is! Those freedom-hating liberals will wet their pants and run back to their Ivory Towers!

3. Grannies Who Cook! Except now it's more than meat and potatoes. will send Granny lots of easy recipes to bring to the Death Panel, including some that require her to shop at her local medical marijuana shop. Give one of those treats to the Death Panels and they won't where they are. Plus they won't remember much about Granny, so she'll be safe at least until the Death Panels call for her again!

4. Surrogates For Granny. Hire a surrogate. We do this to make babies, why not to save Grannies? In this program, an elderly woman will study every detail about granny and go before the death panel in her place. The surrogate is fit, smart, sassy, tireless and charismatic, everything your Granny might not be. But the Death Panel won't know that. And while some people have problems with the morality of surrogacy, when it's to save Granny, it's OK. From

Monday, August 24, 2009

Jon Voight’s new movie fights the good fight

Can the universe be saved? Can America and Christians everywhere be kept from falling under the influence of secular humanists, liberals and all those unreal Americans from big cities and other planets?

Or will a few strong-willed, rugged men — all of whom have great hair, deep voices, and children who love them, by the way — somehow snap the hold these fake Americans have on us?

Those are the themes in this new, still untitled, Jon Voight sci-fi romance thriller. In it, Col. Chuck Williams, played by Voight, is retired and doing what he loves most — trying to convince his neighbors to keep guns around in case a band of “those unreal American, socialist, public-option, atheist, ACORN lovers come to town someday to register poor people to vote!”

“They look like us,” he continually warns anyone in earshot. “They drive cars like ours, listen to music like ours. They read our books, eat in our restaurants, date our women. They are starting to dress like us, too! You probably had some in your homes without realizing it. You might even be emailing or Twittering some of them.”

He looks very sad as he tells his neighbors these things.
It reminds him of the other great failure in his life; his gun giveaway program. They give away condoms in school, he told everyone who would listen. Why don’t we give away guns, too? Then our youth will be ready for whatever these socialist atheist Obama-loving unreal Americans have in mind.

But he could not convince others of the truth of his messages. His neighbors continued to allow secular humanists and ACORN organizers into their homes, where they often discussed loudly, late into the night, things like unions, boycotts, organic foods, and global warming — even in front of children! “It’s part of the master plan,” he realized. “They are going after the young kids, whose minds are not yet strong like mine. When I and those like me die, those youth will be the puppets of the socialists who want government to ration health care and kill our grannies!”

A love interest appears in his life unexpectedly one day when he is digging a bunker somewhere in the middle of his gated community. Far from the inner city, far away from any bus lines carrying low-paid workers to their jobs, a twenty-something blonde wanders in and sits down next to his gas grill. She is near death and isn’t sure how she got there. She thinks she was kidnapped by an ACORN worker from outer space, who transported her to their space ship where they gave her a physical exam and showed her how to use condoms and then gave her a copy of Saul Alinsky's “Rules for Radicals.”

Then they released her and she found her way to Col. Chuck, where she discovered her pockets were full of free condoms and “that Alinsky book”, as Col Chuck calls it. She is traumatized and wants to help him, so she asks what she can do to help save America. He says, “Just don’t tempt me. I can’t be carnal.”

And so begins an intense, but platonic relationship that ends when she decides she does not want to learn how to shoot a gun or even carry a gun to a town hall meeting organized by public-option advocates.

Almost too late, the truth of his message soon becomes apparent. In scattered hot spots around the world, people begin to burn their health insurance cards. They hold sit-ins in the golf courses all over the world that are favored by health insurance CEOs. They also speak loudly against the right of health insurance companies to charge whatever they want. It's becoming bedlam in many areas of the country, but Col. Chuck Williams knows what to do before this great country becomes a formerly great country paralyzed by socialism, atheism, liberalism, ACORNism, and unreal Americanism.

He teams up with a popular talk show host named Sean, both of whom have great hair. That means they are good leaders, because lots of real Americans think anyone with good hair genes probably have lots of other good genes, too. So together Sean and Col Chuck form a movement and an army and fight the good fight against the secular humanists, atheists, liberals, gun control advocates and all those unreal Americans from another planet who all live in big cities because they are afraid of the freedom of the wide open spaces of the American West. It's a long battle that goes on for several days, but they end up fighting to a draw, after which they retreat to their respective encampments.

They didn't win, but “we didn't lose,” Col. Chuck tells everyone. “So that's a victory.”
But then Col. Chuck goes on to greater glory. He finds that his hair and his voice talent bring him great attention, and he becomes the leader of gun lover’s and and tea baggers and real Americans everywhere. They so love him that they want him to become president of the nation. Or Sean. Sean could be president, too. Their team is deep, they now realize, so they know they can take on the unreal Americans from outer space who think it's OK if President Obama isn't a citizen and wants to give our country to ACORN.

Men follow him and women are drawn to him. They want to love him, to help him, but he knows it will be a long, difficult fight. So he still refuses to become carnal. Carnalism will weaken his message, he says, and blur his focus so that he might lose sight of the real enemy of America: the usurper Obama who wants to create Civil War and destroy real Americans so aliens from outer space and other countries can take over and take jobs from everyone. And raise taxes. Not to mention kill granny.

He can't let that happen.

So he stays awake nights, always wary, with his trusty gun within reach, certain that someone will try to slip some Viagra into his drinking water, causing uncontrollable urges that would lead to carnalism and then besmirch his good name and destroy him. “It is truly dangerous out there,” he thinks to himself.

But for now he is contented. He is waiting. Soon, it will all be his for the taking.

Stay tuned for the sequel.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


Sooner or later every family has to face it: Granny's going downhill.

It starts with little things. Maybe she thinks Jimmy Carter is president. Or maybe she sends $50 every week to Jim and Tammy Baker. Or maybe she just passes a lot of gas at family dinners and continues putt-putting as she leaves the room.

Whatever it is, if it is happening in your family, you know what it means: time to call Kill Granny Inc.

We are the only company licensed by all the better health insurance companies in the country. Unlike the government end-of-life plan, you don't have to talk to us. We don't send faceless and nameless government bureaucrats to your house unannounced to take Granny away.

But if you need Kill Granny Inc, we'll be right over. We'll come out to your house, meet with you and Granny, and explain what we can do for you to put your minds at rest.

It's all done in an adult and responsible fashion.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is make that first phone call. But do it. And if you call us today, we'll throw in a talk about what we can do for Grampa at no extra charge. We are approved by health insurance plans nationwide, because we save them money.

Best of all: if Granny has a good supplemental health insurance plan, it will pay for it. So help your Granny now, before her plan cancels her and refuses to pay for anything, including our services!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Birther Manifesto

We the undersigned real red blooded Americans so love our country that we will refuse to pay taxes until it's more to our liking, which means more like it was and was always meant to be. Some of us were lucky enough to have lived in it then but some of us are too young and only hear the great stories of those times, when men worked hard and drank beer made in America and women stayed home and America was for Americans and white wine wasn't invented. We want that back.

But if our simple protest doesn't change things, we will hold our breath until patriot reporters from Fox News come over to us and ask us important questions about these important issues.

We are few in number, but many in importance. That is our strength and why we will win these battles. We wish for a return to the common sense of the US Constitution, which keeps government out of our homes and lets us keep our own money unless we choose to give it to our church instead of an abortionist, which is what made our country great. For over 200 years this common sense was heralded to the world as the best way to live. But then, amendments were made that went against common sense, so we also support unamending those, only once the birth issue is settled, in our favor, for all time.

And while we haven't yet decided on what we will work to unamend, we will look at those issues which took us from our greatness, which was about 60 or 70 years ago. Included unamendments will be the vote for certain people, taxes that don't pay for defense, any gun limits and the rights of atheists, which is an abomination and is nowhere mentioned in the US Constitution.

In addition, we will prove that Hawaii is not a state but actually an island. While we enjoy Hawaii as much as anyone else, those of us who have been blessed with common sense know that there is a big difference between a state and an island. This has not reported in the liberal treasonous media, where it is reported that islands have always been states, for instance Rhode Island. But a close look at a map shows us that Rhode Island is not an island, although part of it is. It is also connected to the rest of the country by land, which Hawaii isn't.

Then we will prove once and for all that the president's birth certificate is a phony. This will prove to everyone the rightness of our quest and the basic treasonability of he who has duped everyone into believing he can be president when we need someone who does not have a name that sounds like our enemies.

So we now call on Americans everywhere to wake up and take back the country that is the greatest of all time. Only in America can anyone grow up to be president, even ones who lie and cheat to become president, but that is only temporary because we are on the case.

In addition, we also believe we should also explore the so-called theories that the world is round. Many of us have pointed out that from where we sit it is not round at all but very flat. But these pointy-headed atheist college professors who we pay with our taxes but not for much longer say it's not flat.

We ask this: who died and left them in charge?

Oh, and that thing about men walking on the moon 40 years ago? Yeah, right. We weren't born yesterday.

Were you? Join us!