You have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide. You have nothing to hide if you have nothing to fear.
So fear nothing and you need not hide. Hide nothing and you need not fear.

The motto of the Department of Homeland Decency

Monday, August 31, 2009

Beat the death panels! or: The Granny Survivalist Guide

They are doing heroic work fighting the granny-killing death panels over at,, among others. It's too early to say if granny killers been defeated, but everyone can be confident that granny is safer today than she was two weeks ago.

But the problem is: can you trust a man who is afraid to show you his birth certificate? If someone asked to see mine, I'd show it. I'm proud of it. I was born in America and I'm not afraid to let folks now. In fact, I plan to tape a copy to my front door so everyone can see it.

Will he do the same on the front door of the White House?

We can't relax yet. That's why all those fine folk at those God-fearing, abortionist-hating, patriotic websites listed above have a Plan B, just in case the death panels get life breathed into them: products, programs, guidelines and exercises you and granny can do to help her beat the death panels.

We've listed some of the ones we like here. To us, these are heart-warming examples of what made America great: real Americans coming together against those liberal atheist baby-killing unreal Americans and beating the living daylights out of them. And, you know, it's inspiring, too. And isn't it just great fun? I'd forgotten how much I enjoy it!

1. Granny's A Warrior! From the folks at comes this program based on the Navy SEAL program that so successfully taught our commandos to withstand brutal torture at the hands of jihadists. And don't think Granny standing in front of a Death Panel won't be torture! They'll make her stand there for hours without shoes or her orthopedic inserts. They might also turn the air conditioner way up, so she'll be cold and tired. It's all set up so they can say she's no longer of much value and can be put down like an old horse and then shipped to the flue factory. But this Granny's A Warrior program will give her the upper hand. So much so that by the time the Death Panel is done with her, they'll be voting to kill themselves!

2. Granny's Guns Talk! How about a little gun rack that will fit on any wheelchair, walker, cane or neck brace? Have Granny appear before that Death Panel with an assault rifle bigger than she is! Those freedom-hating liberals will wet their pants and run back to their Ivory Towers!

3. Grannies Who Cook! Except now it's more than meat and potatoes. will send Granny lots of easy recipes to bring to the Death Panel, including some that require her to shop at her local medical marijuana shop. Give one of those treats to the Death Panels and they won't where they are. Plus they won't remember much about Granny, so she'll be safe at least until the Death Panels call for her again!

4. Surrogates For Granny. Hire a surrogate. We do this to make babies, why not to save Grannies? In this program, an elderly woman will study every detail about granny and go before the death panel in her place. The surrogate is fit, smart, sassy, tireless and charismatic, everything your Granny might not be. But the Death Panel won't know that. And while some people have problems with the morality of surrogacy, when it's to save Granny, it's OK. From

Monday, August 24, 2009

Jon Voight’s new movie fights the good fight

Can the universe be saved? Can America and Christians everywhere be kept from falling under the influence of secular humanists, liberals and all those unreal Americans from big cities and other planets?

Or will a few strong-willed, rugged men — all of whom have great hair, deep voices, and children who love them, by the way — somehow snap the hold these fake Americans have on us?

Those are the themes in this new, still untitled, Jon Voight sci-fi romance thriller. In it, Col. Chuck Williams, played by Voight, is retired and doing what he loves most — trying to convince his neighbors to keep guns around in case a band of “those unreal American, socialist, public-option, atheist, ACORN lovers come to town someday to register poor people to vote!”

“They look like us,” he continually warns anyone in earshot. “They drive cars like ours, listen to music like ours. They read our books, eat in our restaurants, date our women. They are starting to dress like us, too! You probably had some in your homes without realizing it. You might even be emailing or Twittering some of them.”

He looks very sad as he tells his neighbors these things.
It reminds him of the other great failure in his life; his gun giveaway program. They give away condoms in school, he told everyone who would listen. Why don’t we give away guns, too? Then our youth will be ready for whatever these socialist atheist Obama-loving unreal Americans have in mind.

But he could not convince others of the truth of his messages. His neighbors continued to allow secular humanists and ACORN organizers into their homes, where they often discussed loudly, late into the night, things like unions, boycotts, organic foods, and global warming — even in front of children! “It’s part of the master plan,” he realized. “They are going after the young kids, whose minds are not yet strong like mine. When I and those like me die, those youth will be the puppets of the socialists who want government to ration health care and kill our grannies!”

A love interest appears in his life unexpectedly one day when he is digging a bunker somewhere in the middle of his gated community. Far from the inner city, far away from any bus lines carrying low-paid workers to their jobs, a twenty-something blonde wanders in and sits down next to his gas grill. She is near death and isn’t sure how she got there. She thinks she was kidnapped by an ACORN worker from outer space, who transported her to their space ship where they gave her a physical exam and showed her how to use condoms and then gave her a copy of Saul Alinsky's “Rules for Radicals.”

Then they released her and she found her way to Col. Chuck, where she discovered her pockets were full of free condoms and “that Alinsky book”, as Col Chuck calls it. She is traumatized and wants to help him, so she asks what she can do to help save America. He says, “Just don’t tempt me. I can’t be carnal.”

And so begins an intense, but platonic relationship that ends when she decides she does not want to learn how to shoot a gun or even carry a gun to a town hall meeting organized by public-option advocates.

Almost too late, the truth of his message soon becomes apparent. In scattered hot spots around the world, people begin to burn their health insurance cards. They hold sit-ins in the golf courses all over the world that are favored by health insurance CEOs. They also speak loudly against the right of health insurance companies to charge whatever they want. It's becoming bedlam in many areas of the country, but Col. Chuck Williams knows what to do before this great country becomes a formerly great country paralyzed by socialism, atheism, liberalism, ACORNism, and unreal Americanism.

He teams up with a popular talk show host named Sean, both of whom have great hair. That means they are good leaders, because lots of real Americans think anyone with good hair genes probably have lots of other good genes, too. So together Sean and Col Chuck form a movement and an army and fight the good fight against the secular humanists, atheists, liberals, gun control advocates and all those unreal Americans from another planet who all live in big cities because they are afraid of the freedom of the wide open spaces of the American West. It's a long battle that goes on for several days, but they end up fighting to a draw, after which they retreat to their respective encampments.

They didn't win, but “we didn't lose,” Col. Chuck tells everyone. “So that's a victory.”
But then Col. Chuck goes on to greater glory. He finds that his hair and his voice talent bring him great attention, and he becomes the leader of gun lover’s and and tea baggers and real Americans everywhere. They so love him that they want him to become president of the nation. Or Sean. Sean could be president, too. Their team is deep, they now realize, so they know they can take on the unreal Americans from outer space who think it's OK if President Obama isn't a citizen and wants to give our country to ACORN.

Men follow him and women are drawn to him. They want to love him, to help him, but he knows it will be a long, difficult fight. So he still refuses to become carnal. Carnalism will weaken his message, he says, and blur his focus so that he might lose sight of the real enemy of America: the usurper Obama who wants to create Civil War and destroy real Americans so aliens from outer space and other countries can take over and take jobs from everyone. And raise taxes. Not to mention kill granny.

He can't let that happen.

So he stays awake nights, always wary, with his trusty gun within reach, certain that someone will try to slip some Viagra into his drinking water, causing uncontrollable urges that would lead to carnalism and then besmirch his good name and destroy him. “It is truly dangerous out there,” he thinks to himself.

But for now he is contented. He is waiting. Soon, it will all be his for the taking.

Stay tuned for the sequel.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


Sooner or later every family has to face it: Granny's going downhill.

It starts with little things. Maybe she thinks Jimmy Carter is president. Or maybe she sends $50 every week to Jim and Tammy Baker. Or maybe she just passes a lot of gas at family dinners and continues putt-putting as she leaves the room.

Whatever it is, if it is happening in your family, you know what it means: time to call Kill Granny Inc.

We are the only company licensed by all the better health insurance companies in the country. Unlike the government end-of-life plan, you don't have to talk to us. We don't send faceless and nameless government bureaucrats to your house unannounced to take Granny away.

But if you need Kill Granny Inc, we'll be right over. We'll come out to your house, meet with you and Granny, and explain what we can do for you to put your minds at rest.

It's all done in an adult and responsible fashion.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is make that first phone call. But do it. And if you call us today, we'll throw in a talk about what we can do for Grampa at no extra charge. We are approved by health insurance plans nationwide, because we save them money.

Best of all: if Granny has a good supplemental health insurance plan, it will pay for it. So help your Granny now, before her plan cancels her and refuses to pay for anything, including our services!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Birther Manifesto

We the undersigned real red blooded Americans so love our country that we will refuse to pay taxes until it's more to our liking, which means more like it was and was always meant to be. Some of us were lucky enough to have lived in it then but some of us are too young and only hear the great stories of those times, when men worked hard and drank beer made in America and women stayed home and America was for Americans and white wine wasn't invented. We want that back.

But if our simple protest doesn't change things, we will hold our breath until patriot reporters from Fox News come over to us and ask us important questions about these important issues.

We are few in number, but many in importance. That is our strength and why we will win these battles. We wish for a return to the common sense of the US Constitution, which keeps government out of our homes and lets us keep our own money unless we choose to give it to our church instead of an abortionist, which is what made our country great. For over 200 years this common sense was heralded to the world as the best way to live. But then, amendments were made that went against common sense, so we also support unamending those, only once the birth issue is settled, in our favor, for all time.

And while we haven't yet decided on what we will work to unamend, we will look at those issues which took us from our greatness, which was about 60 or 70 years ago. Included unamendments will be the vote for certain people, taxes that don't pay for defense, any gun limits and the rights of atheists, which is an abomination and is nowhere mentioned in the US Constitution.

In addition, we will prove that Hawaii is not a state but actually an island. While we enjoy Hawaii as much as anyone else, those of us who have been blessed with common sense know that there is a big difference between a state and an island. This has not reported in the liberal treasonous media, where it is reported that islands have always been states, for instance Rhode Island. But a close look at a map shows us that Rhode Island is not an island, although part of it is. It is also connected to the rest of the country by land, which Hawaii isn't.

Then we will prove once and for all that the president's birth certificate is a phony. This will prove to everyone the rightness of our quest and the basic treasonability of he who has duped everyone into believing he can be president when we need someone who does not have a name that sounds like our enemies.

So we now call on Americans everywhere to wake up and take back the country that is the greatest of all time. Only in America can anyone grow up to be president, even ones who lie and cheat to become president, but that is only temporary because we are on the case.

In addition, we also believe we should also explore the so-called theories that the world is round. Many of us have pointed out that from where we sit it is not round at all but very flat. But these pointy-headed atheist college professors who we pay with our taxes but not for much longer say it's not flat.

We ask this: who died and left them in charge?

Oh, and that thing about men walking on the moon 40 years ago? Yeah, right. We weren't born yesterday.

Were you? Join us!