You have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide. You have nothing to hide if you have nothing to fear.
So fear nothing and you need not hide. Hide nothing and you need not fear.

The motto of the Department of Homeland Decency

Thursday, September 15, 2011

The warm fuzzy feeling of 9/11: How to keep it alive for the next 10 years

The 10th anniversary of 9/11 has come and gone. And while The Department of Homeland Decency is pleased with how much more decent the Homeland became in the years following 9/11, much still has to be done. For instance, we have not yet claimed a complete victory in protecting traditional marriage from those who would make it indecent and perverse; there are still activist judges out there letting anyone marry anyone! Nor can we state that our schools are back to teaching just the facts; they still teach that we come from apes, they don't allow prayer, and some teachers actively recruit kids to gayness! So we still have much to do in our proud march backwards to our future.

No doubt you want to know what you can do to help. There are many things, but here are a few to get you started. Feel free to contact us and let us know anything else you may be doing for the cause of Homeland decency.

Make a 9/11 resolution. We do it on New Years. Why not for 9/11? Are the 10 Commandments in front of your State Capitol? If not, why haven't you done something to put them there? Are you represented in Congress by a liberal? Or by a woman? Or by a (children should read no further) homosexual? You must resolve to help correct these things; that's how we will find our way back to the future.

Eat more meat. Most Homelanders take meat for granted, but it is an important part of our Homeland tradition. It's what the pioneers who tamed this great land ate, and we honor them by eating more meat in one sitting than they ever imagined possible. Meat gave them strength and character. So if you are trying to decide whether to have meat or vegetables for dinner tonight, think about this: If your life or the life or your children depended on a decent, god-fearing Homelander fighting an indecent terrorist to the death in an airplane spiraling out of control because the terrorists shot the pilot, who do you want in that fight? A meat-eating, SUV-driving, Fox News-watching Homelander? Or a vegan who drives a hybrid and quotes NPR? Eat more meat! It's what decent people do.

Report a neighbor. We are always happy when a Homelander reports another Homelander; it tells us you are alert and aware of the dangers of indecency in the Homeland. Does a neighbor subscribe to Mother Jones or belong to Public Television? Do they argue late at night about civil liberties? What's in their recycling bins? We need to know. Report these or any other suspicious activities today and help us march proudly back to our future!

Buy our “Condoms Can Explode” refrigerator magnet and put in on your refrigerator at work. The Department of Homeland Decency has a full line of refrigerator magnets that everyone should have on their refrigerator. Some of our favorites are: “Be wary of folks who visit France too often;” “Aggressive women who initiate 'it' make men nervous;” and “Poets who don't rhyme should go back to where they came from.” These magnets provide a daily reminder of what is important and decent and why so many have gone to war to protect our way of life. So put this magnet up at work and save a young woman from a life ruined by indecency. Someday she will thank you.

Rent a big SUV and tailgate a hybrid. Remember how decent the Homeland was when everyone drove gas guzzlers? The bigger the engine, the better. Homelanders scoffed at electric cars. So tailgate that hybrid. Flash your lights. Rev your engine. Let that indecent hybrid owner know what the score is. And don't walk to the grocery store for that bottle of milk your forgot. Drive a big car there. And then leave it idling while you run into the store.

Finally, write your Congressman and tell them to make the poor pay more in taxes. No one ever became decent by taking handouts. That just makes them want to stay home and watch TV which leads to hedonism, liberalism, atheism and anti-Americanism. On the other hand, if they pay more in taxes, they will have to get a second job (or maybe just a first!). That will keep them busy, too busy to be indecent.

As always, it helps to buy The Department of Homeland Decency's Rules and Regulations Manual for you, your family and your friends. It's the only way you can be sure you truly understand 9/11 and remain a decent and pure Homelander.