You have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide. You have nothing to hide if you have nothing to fear.
So fear nothing and you need not hide. Hide nothing and you need not fear.

The motto of the Department of Homeland Decency

Friday, March 26, 2010

Are You Smarter Than A Texas 5th Grader?

The Texas 5th grader is the new standard of excellence in Homeland edication now that the Texas Board of Edication has rewritten the curriculum for Texas schools.

Gone are historical figures like Thomas Jefferson. (He apparently irritated Texans by coining the phrase “separation of church and state” so they dumped him.) Instead of larnin' about him, they will larn about other historical figures like Phyllis Schlafly (huh?). And the National Rifle Association. Also out of the curriculum: the word “capitalism.” It's being replaced in Texas with the term “free enterprise system” in all the textbooks. (So take that, all you capitalist pigs out there! Even Texas hates you!)

And, by the way, the Homeland is a Christian nation. And Sen. Joe McCarthy was right; the U.S. Government was filled with Commies and he would've rooted them all out and sent them to Kingdom Come, except that liberals and atheists and all the usual suspects who hate America stopped him. That's what they'll be larnin' down in Texas school houses in the 21st century.

Unfortunately, since Texas purchases so many textbooks, textbook publishers ship the same textbooks with the same larnin' to other states. So we'll all be larnin' that personal responsibility is the only surefire way not to get pregnant. (But you already knew, didn't you? And that condoms can explode for no reason at all?)

So, are you smarter than a Texas 5th grader? Take the following quiz, which is based on our understanding of these new and important curriculum standards, and find out.

(Answers are either True or False and are provided at the bottom of the page.)


Adam and Eve had a pet dinosaur named Princess.
Men who are weak and effeminate had moms who were feminists.
Abstinence education works because the horrors of sex before marriage are fully explained.
The world is too big to run out of oil.


Nowhere in the Second Amendment does the term “Separation of Church and State” appear
The right to bear arms is why the Homeland is the greatest place ever in the world.
The Second Amendment was originally the First Amendment, but the liberal media and Hollywood didn't want guns to come before free speech or the right of assembly because they hate America.


We lost in Vietnam because women in the 60s were all feminists who would only date men who got in touch with their feelings.
Men in touch with their feelings can't shoot straight.
Sen. Joe McCarthy was destroyed by a cabal of liberals and secular humanists who hate America.
The Homeland's founding fathers didn't want a government that taxed their Big Macs, soft drinks or health care plans.
The 40s and 50s were great for the Homeland because everyone worked hard and those who didn't didn't eat.
The 60s was a sad time for the Homeland because God was kicked out of schools.

The answers are below. So are you smarter than a Texas 5th grader? If you aren't, don't worry. You can study, work hard and apply yourself. (Which you should be doing anyway.)

By the way, if you are at work or school reading this, that's why you're not smarter than a Texas 5th grader (and may never be). They're not reading this. They probably don't have computers in Texas, either. They're all at home or school, reading the Bible and larnin' all about science. Then they'll graduate and get your job. Then they'll be your boss. Then they'll fire you for being so ignorant. And then they'll be everywhere!

(Uh oh. we're in trouble, too. Quick, help us out here . . . what's the answer to the first question again?)

Answers: all true.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Decent news for Decent folks! Glen Beck wins Rapture rights!

It's now official: God hates the liberal media, churches that do social justice, progressives, Obama, gays, lesbians, and New York City, LA, San Francisco, Europe, Africa, and much of South and Central America.

We know this now because Beck just won the right to broadcast the Rapture.

In a surprise to everyone (except the decent folk everywhere who listen to Beck all day long and were praying for this), Beck now has exclusive rights to the Rapture, including the name, book rights, movie rights, and product tie-ins. No one else can even use the word Rapture without saying “The Rapture Brought To You By Glen Beck.”

"We went after this because we know Beck is a decent, upright, liberal-bashing, true believer, as are his fans, and the other networks aren't," a Beck spokesman said. "We want decency to return to the Homeland and to televisions everywhere. That's why Beck is the one to broadcast the Rapture. Who wants Anderson Cooper or Keith Olbermann to broadcast it? Maybe a secular humanist pinko Homeland hating college professor!"

One problem that has not been ironed out, however, is who would be around to watch a telecast of The Rapture Brought To You By Glen Beck if this event occurs and the world truly ends then. Or who would want to read the books, watch the movies, or buy T-shirts and coffee cups with pictures of Glen Beck on them with a background of The Apocalypse?

Despite that problem, however, Beck producers are very upbeat, as are Fox stockholders. Fox stock went up 50 percent on news of this once-in-a-lifetime telecast.

"We are proud to show this event because we expect it to surpass the combined popularity of the Super Bowl, World Series, Masters Golf Tournament, and Florida 2000 vote count," Beck said. "Viewers should be extremely excited about this. Nothing like this has ever been on TV before. Not even The O'Reilly Factor, as important as that show is, could hope to be this big."

Exactly when this will be on TV is uncertain. Whether this deal is legal is another stumbling block. Regardless of that, however, Fox wants to broadcast at least one more run of American Idol, so if The Rapture comes a little earlier than expected, the the Rapture Brought To You By Glen Beck will not be seen live.

Ask The HMO Accountant

With health care reform on the ropes and everyone sick to death of hearing about it, we decided to once again open our doors to those who need medical help. The clinic is open and the HMO Accountant is in to help you with your medical problems. Remember: this might be the best medical care available to any of us in the very near future future.

Dear HMO Accountant,

I slipped on some ice and ended up buried in a snow drift for three hours before someone walking their dog saw me. If it hadn't been for them, I might have died! As it is, I suffered severe frost bite and am just lucky that nothing had to be amputated. Anyway, you denied my claim and I don't get it. I got hurt, went to the ER and got healthy. Why won't you pay?

Sincerely, Freezing in Fargo

Dear Freezing in Fargo,

It's very important that we work hard to keep the health insurance industry healthy and vibrant so that it will be there when people need it. That means we have to turn down many claims that just don't pass the smell test. In your case, if you stop and think about this, slipping on ice is kind of a pre-existing condition. People in Southern California, for instance, don't slip on ice, whereas people in Fargo tend to. That makes slipping on ice a pre-existing condition that you have. So for us to pay for that pre-existing condition would put us on a slippery slope to financial ruin. Profits would drop. Our stocks would tank. And we'd have to cut the salary of the CEO, which, of course, he won't allow us to do. So, you should probably move to Southern California, where, if you do happen to slip on ice, we'll cover it. But, of course, if you are down there and get bit by a snake, well, that's a pre-existing condition down there, because that probably wouldn't happen in, say, Alaska. It's all in that new booklet we just sent out a couple days ago. Did you get a chance to read it over? Take a look at it, and good luck! Stay healthy!

Dear HMO Accountant,

This health care reform debate is driving me nuts. I've got a nervous twitch in my neck that throws my head back and makes me grit my teeth, which not only hurts a lot but makes it really hard for me to get dates. I look like I'm about to assault someone. On top of that, I'm always angry. I eat and drink too much and am getting really fat. And my digestion is terrible – I keep passing gas and that also makes it really hard to get a date. Why don't you all just get behind reform and let's get on with everything and I'll be healthy and fun to be with again. And maybe someone will date me. I'm really kind of nice and smart. And I want to have kids, hopefully before health insurance stops covering child birth. Please.

Sincerely, Lonely in Louisville,

Dear Lonely in Louisville

Maybe it's a good thing you have these problems. Has that occurred to you? Because if you have good health care, there are devious, manipulative people out there who will date you and then marry you for your health insurance. And is that the kind of relationship you want? I bet not. What will happen to that relationship if you lose your insurance? Or if we deny them coverage for something? Well, they'll blame you, and there you go. So you're actually better off with a nervous twitch, staying home and eating and drinking too much than getting into a relationship like that. Believe me. I've been there. So every time I get a letter like yours, I say: Stick with your own kind. Ask to see someone's health insurance card before you go out and buy them dinner. Ask what if covers. And even if they have health insurance, is it as good as yours? Probably not, because we pride ourselves on satisfying our customers. So stay home. Don't watch the news and you'll be better off. And so will we, because you won't meet someone that you marry who we have to provide coverage for. That's a win-win. So good luck. Stay happy. Stay healthy.

Death HMO Accountant,

Can I make an appointment to see a shrink? I have terrible headaches and am nervous all the time and sometimes hear voices telling me to eat Big Macs until I throw up. I think I really need to talk to someone. Will you cover this?

Sincerely, Tired of burgers in Buffalo

Dear Tired of Burgers in Buffalo,

If you go the shrink route, you might get better for a little while, but you'd soon run up against the lifetime limit on your policy. So we don't think you should do that, although you could. Instead, what has worked for others with similar problems, is for you to just talk back to those voices. If you think that would embarrass you, put a cell phone to your ear when you hear them and talk into it. Loudly. No one will suspect anything, and you'd be empowering yourself at no cost to us. That way, we will always be there for you and others when you need us.

Goodluck! Stay healthy! We're all in this together, so let's all row in the same direction!!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Milestones in curling

During the 2010 Winter Olympics in Canada, you couldn't throw a broom without hitting a television channel beaming curling into every living room in the world. What was that about? Since when did pushing a disk with a handle down a sheet of ice with two guys or gals with brooms helping it along qualify as must-see TV? Never mind the questions of how it qualifies as an Olympic sport.

For people who don't know the first or last thing about curling but who watched anyway, we asked someone who would know. Sore Bender. Sore, sidelined by a curling injury and now retired, was a seasoned 30-year veteran of the curling circuit. After his final end, he was instrumental in getting the funding for the first (and only) Museum of Curling and Its History, where he is curator and occasional lecturer on the sport.

Q. Mr. Bender, we don't want to say all – but for most people curling is big mystery. Can you give a brief history of the sport? I think most people would wonder how anyone in their right mind would think a rock and a couple of brooms might mean a fun time.

A. Well, you're not far from the truth when you put it like that. He wasn't in his right mind, the guy that thought it up. Curling started in the north where the winters never ended it seemed. And there was no television and people got bored and depressed and stir-crazy and sometimes downright murderous and drunk at the same time. The first rock that led to curling was thrown in a rage, outdoors on a really cold night. One guy throwing a rock at another guy, a guy so fed up that he just picked up a rock and threw at the first guy that came along. And he felt better.

Q. You mean the guy that threw it felt better.

A. Well, yeah. The other guy who didn't. He fell down and he slid on the ice and he didn't get up. And that was that. But it started kind of a bad trend and all these crazy cooped-up men would come out of bars at closing time, grab rocks and start throwing them at each other because the first guy felt so good after he did it. And they did feel good, but they had to tone it down because too many guys weren't getting up after they got hit. And they toned it down by drawing a bullseye in the middle of a lake and started aiming at that instead and then you know when you get a bunch of guys together, there's going to be some “I throw it better than you,” or I can hit the bullseye in three tries.” And some betting. And then there were teams and the rest is history.

Q. What about the brooms? Were they used to sweep up the bodies that didn't get up?

A. Yeah, I get the joke. No. There were no brooms at first. But, see, after a game, some teams were so sore – there was a lot of drinking so that didn't help – they threw there beer bottles or whiskey bottles or what have you right at each other and there was broken glass and somebody had to sweep it up before the next game. And, course, before you knew it, someone figured out that made the ice slicker when they threw the rock – well, you take it from there. And then the sweeping helped them stay warm, too, because it was so damn cold when they were out rock-throwing.

Q. There are two schools of thought on sweeping: The “Yes, Sweeping Makes a Huge Difference” school, and the “No, Sweeping Is Stupid” school. Curlers generally fall into the first school, while everyone else in the world falls into the second. What about you?

A. I don't know. You'd look pretty stupid just walking the rock down to the bullseye and not doing anything to help it. You might as well be walking along and having a chat or a drink with your team mates.

Q. What is a skip?

A. There was a guy named Skip. Skip Rollie. Skip Rollie was the first player to make the nearly impossible Triple Strike Crossover Block Roll Switch. It scored seven points on one stone. When he did this, he and his teammates jumped up and down because they just beaten Canada for the very first time. They jumped so hard, they wen right through the ice. Everybody survived OK, except Skip, who got bad frostbite and it just went from there until he couldn't grip the stone or a broom and he just went off and died the way a dog goes off when he knows there's no use anymore.

Q. That's sad.

A. Course it was. But good things came of it. They moved curling off the lakes and into the indoors where you have bathrooms and a place to get drinks and it's a place the whole family might want to go after church on Sunday. And Skip got honored, too, because the head of every team is named after him.

Q. Does curling use coaches? Who are those middle-aged guys that come down to the curling sheet once in awhile and talk to the players? Is he talking strategy?

A. Sort of. He's someone who heads up things and gives advice. I guess you could call him the coach. Usually, he just comes down and tells us a joke or takes our drink orders. But he really doesn't know anything more than we do. He's kind of an honorary barkeep coach. A guy who can listen to your problems, pick up your spirits.

Q. I don't know anyone who knows the rules of curling. Is that because they are so difficult?

A. Well, it used to be they made them up as they went along, just to keep things relaxed since, remember, this was something to do blow off steam instead of throwing a bottle or shooting off your gun. But now there are two rules: get it down there and hit the other guy's rock while you're getting it down there. Nothing fancy.

Q. Are curlers like other athletes? Do they have to train? Is there a diet regimen?

A. No, that's how we're better than most athletes. Training is almost like cheating to a curler, almost like taking those steroid drugs. If you can't get yourself up and curl anytime, anywhere, no matter what shape you're in, there's something wrong with you. We don't take vitamins and we eat whatever we want. Most curlers like a big pot roast before a big game and they like to have a drink before they get on the ice. There's no rules about drinking during the game either. But it's not a good idea because you can get wild with the stone or your broom and, more likely than not, someone gets hurt.

Q. Have there been a lot of curling accidents?

A. Not that many. Like I said, people tend to keep their drinking to before and after the games. There are some wrist injuries from over-sweeping, or sweeping the wrong way. Mostly the injuries come from bus accidents. Bus sliding off the road on our way to a game. Bus tipping over. Bus rolling into a lake. Bus jumping lane into incoming traffic. Bus spinning out and hitting a billboard. That kind of thing. We always used to worry about our away games. Icy roads are a problem for curling teams.

Q. Are you married?

A. I was, but curling kind of got in the way. You gotta be married to curler if you're a curler. It's too hard to explain to someone who doesn't curl. She thought it was a joke. She used to hide my broom when she was mad. And you meet women on the road.

Q. You mean, like curling groupies?

A. There were some. A guy with his own broom and who knows how to use it attracts a lot of women.

Q. So, there are star curlers just like there are star football players and soccer players?

A. Why not?

Q. Now that you are retired, do you miss it?

A. The women? Nah, not that much. And I was getting clumsy. I got bifocals and those lenses - you see double – and I dropped a stone on my foot about ten years ago and it never really healed up. And, of course, when you get older, you don't like being on ice so much. You're already cold all the time. And I've got the museum to keep up.

Q. What can people see if they go to the Curling Museum?

A. Well, it's pretty small, but it's good. There's trophies and different curling rocks and brooms and their history. There are wax figures of famous curlers they might recognize. Big charts showing the important dates in curling history and descriptions of curling milestones. Like the Brawl of '37 and how that changed curling. And there are oral histories, stories told by the old-timers, that you can listen to.

Q. Well, thanks, Sore Bender. I'm just relieved I didn't make one crack about shuffleboard.

A. You're welcome. Me, too.