You have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide. You have nothing to hide if you have nothing to fear.
So fear nothing and you need not hide. Hide nothing and you need not fear.

The motto of the Department of Homeland Decency


Friday, December 19, 2008

The secret diaries of a Miss World contestant

Should we as a species be embarrassed if Miss World gets a little chubby? While watching the recent Miss World Scholarship Pageant, it seems obvious we should. In the interest of helping all our readers with this important question, we came across this diary and now publish it. The diarist will remain anonymous.

Dear Diary
My hips grow an inch if I just walk by an ice cream parlor!! Really!! The judges laughed when I mentioned this at our swim suit competition rehearsal this morning. But the other girls knew what I was talking about. After rehearsal five of us went out and had lunch. The waiter seemed mad because we only had water. To make him feel better, I ordered a wedge of lime.

Dear Diary
The girls are all so nice! This is truly the experience of a lifetime. But I am at such a disadvantage!! I, after all, grew up in the Midwest, eating beef until I was 11. I’m sure that’s why girls from Third World countries do so well year after year. Beef must be awfully expensive in some of those countries!! So they get to eat healthy foods like rice and carrots—that gives those girls an edge. I think when I get my communications degree I will do a story on that. If mothers out there want their girls to win beauty pageants, they really should not feed them beef in their formative years.

Dear Diary,
Celebrities stop by to watch our rehearsals. Today Mr. and Mrs. ____ came by. They are so beautiful! And so thin for people their age; they must be at least 30! They walked by me and I got so nervous that I threw up the carrot I had for dinner last night. The other girls all think he is right when he says a beauty queen should stay thin for her whole reign. It’s like a contract she makes with the public everywhere. “If I buy a Mercedes,” Mr. ____ said at one point last night, “is it fair if they deliver a Volkswagen to me?” Not only is he really thin for someone his age, but he’s smart, too!

Dear Diary,
I practiced answering questions with some of the other girls. We make them up and ask one of the others and she has to answer it seriously. It tests your poise and intelligence. I was asked, “If you could do any man’s job, what would you choose?” And I said, “I would want to be in charge of airline safety, because my mother is afraid to fly and could not be here tonight because of her fear. And if I were in charge of airline safety, I could promise her a safe trip here or anywhere else in the world. I owe my mother that!” And I was so excited I wanted to throw up the ice cube I had chewed on earlier, but I didn’t, because there was a line of girls at the bathroom who were all very excited, too.

Dear Diary,
I didn’t do very well, but I made great friends. Friends I will know for life. After the pageant we were talking about how difficult it is to do what we do and how the world just does not really understand. And one girl, very discouraged, said she would never have plastic surgery again. It hurt so much, she said, and the disappointment now hurts even more. But I told her—because she is now my very best friend—that if what we do gives just one of the hundreds of millions of people in our international viewing audience a glimmer of hope, then we should do it. Again and again!!!! Somewhere someone’s life will surely be better for our efforts here tonight. I really believe that!!! (I got so excited from this thought that I threw up my breath mint.) I think I will do a story on that when I get my communications degree!!!

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