Get me rewrite! Making the Bible more conservative

The Bible isn't conservative enough. Not only is it not conservative enough, the main reason it isn't is because liberals wrote it. And as you know, liberals have no morals or decency and exist only to destroy all that is good and decent.

This is, however, being corrected. The folks at conservapedia.com are now rewriting the Bible. They plan to bring back the purity and goodness that was supposed to be in it, and would have been, except that the liberals and atheists of yesteryear ruined it. This is going to be a huge effort and will take years.

We here at Last Laugh plan to keep you informed of all the major developments in this effort. Our first post here of the following memo was dropped off on our front doorstep by persons unknown. The memo is only a first draft, a working draft, so things will certainly change and some of the ideas mentioned will be discarded. But it will give you an idea of the scope of this project and what the final effort will look like. We promise to post more of these as we come across them.

MEMO

From: Brother L.

To: Conservative Bible Project Working Group

In re: Initial thoughts and ideas – FOR YOUR EYES ONLY!!!

TOP SECRET! Do not leave notes or other papers around your workplace or home! Return by hand delivery. Do not trust the mails or any package delivery service. Especially do not E-mail!! This is top secret. For your eyes only!!

My initial thoughts about purging liberalism from The Holy Bible follow. I need feedback and input.

Page one: The phrase “day of rest.” Too “union-y”? Sure, God created everything in six days and then the seventh was His day of rest. But doesn't this phrase encourage workers to unionize so they can push for extra vacation, days off, bathroom breaks, longer lunches, etc. Too much idle time only weakens the moral fiber of mankind and leads to perversion, right?

My suggestion: take it out. God can still look out over His creation and do a few things to keep Himself occupied. I mean, He's God. He can do anything. He can rest but who says He needs a whole day to get a good rest! He can get a day's rest in a minute if he wants to - He's God, after all. Maybe that's the way to go: “He rested for a minute.” It's like a coffee break. A coffee break isn't as “union-y” and it won't lead to moral lapses. Thoughts?

Also page one: OK, God created man in His image. That's written clearly, so there is no doubt that God is a man. So why do some people say that God is a woman? How about putting this in bold face! With a couple of exclamation marks: God created man in his image!!! Doesn't that get your attention? We could even try a bigger font size. Or a different color font maybe?

Also page one: It says God made man and gave him dominion over the animals. Now, I'm not a language expert, but if you have dominion over something, don't you need some way to maintain that dominion? Otherwise the animals won't take you seriously. E.g., I wouldn't have dominion over lions and tigers without a weapon. So shouldn't our Bible mention the tools/weapons needed to maintain dominion? I see the hand of liberals in this. I bet there were bleeding-heart do-gooders back then who saw something about “dominion over animals” and “tools” and started screaming about animal rights and how we should all be vegans. “Tools” is good but vague, so let's be specific and mention guns. Something like: “Man has dominion over animals and the better of a shot thou art, the more dominion thou shalt have!” Guns would be a good addition here for our Bible and wouldn't it be fun to cite Biblical verses that mention guns?

Page two: The “tree of knowledge” is a great phrase. But it doesn't go anywhere. We are not supposed to eat of the tree of knowledge, and many of us don't. But the question is, where does this ban on eating “of the tree of knowledge” leave professors and the teachers' unions? I think we need to expand this section so it's obvious that God meant professors and teachers' unions are not good things and should be shunned by all good people. Keep your kids away from them, too.

Also page two: One last point and then I have to leave and go to Bible class. Eve ate the apple and then the Bible says they sewed fig leaves together and made “aprons” and wore them. I'm sure that's not right. Men do not wear aprons. They never have. They wear pants. I am positive this apron thing is part of the homosexual “put a homo in every home” agenda that somehow made it into the Bible thousands of years ago. We have to take this out. They didn't even have aprons back then. Women didn't wear aprons – they just wore whatever they had on when they cooked. Am I right?

That's all I have time for now. Let me know what you think. This is a great project we are working on. I know the world will thank us when we are finished. And remember: don't let anyone else see this. They'll just use it to destroy us.

A Hunter's Journal

Deer hunting season comes but once a year and provides real Americans with the chance to get in touch with their inner hunter-gatherers and bond with those souls everywhere who respond to the call of the wild. Those of us on the liberal fringes of society never experience this, because so many of us are vegans or PETA members or anti-gun or too bookish. Whatever it is, there is a huge chasm separating us. So we provide here a hunter's diary that we believe will bridge this gap by showing how the pursuit of deer with guns has shaped America and made American men the most independent and strong in the world. We liberals should learn much from this so that we, too, can be strong and independent.

It’s cold, it’s wet, and I can’t feel my toes. God, I love hunting. . . . Hope I don’t fall out of my deer stand again this year.

It’s the fresh air, the call of the wild, the guys, the guns, the bad jokes, peeing outdoors. I even like the planning. Where do we stay? Who’s buying the food? The booze? Who will cook and clean up? Women aren’t there to help with these things. Men have to do it all, and that’s what hunting is all about – strong, independent men bonding so the species survives for another generation.

I’m in my deer stand. Nothing can see me. Not any deer. Not any hunters. But bullets whiz by. What are they shooting at? I don’t see anyone, anything. Is there a deer out there? Wait a second . . . is that a deer? I shoot. I listen . . . I hear a moo. . . .

Wow, my feet are cold. Too bad about Joe. I miss him this year. Maybe he’ll be walking without pain next year. I bet Joe could have climbed up into the stand this year. I think he didn’t want to. I miss him. I miss just sitting here with our guns and cold feet. Maybe a little whiskey. Listening to the bullets whiz by. . .

Lunch time! Finally! Warm up my feet and fingers. Nothing like a couple burgers and fries. Comfort food. Whoa - hit the deck! Who’s shooting at this cabin? God, they hit the TV - damn, I wanted to watch some porn tonight. Wonder what they’re shooting at out there.

Back in my stand, still really cold. I see something move - I shoot. What is it? Dunno, but I probably missed. I’m such a bad shot!

Damn, if I don’t get something this year, I’ll never hear the end of it. Not after falling out of my stand last year and pulling Joe down with me. It really wasn’t my fault. Joe brought the whiskey up there and I was just standing up to piss over the edge when a couple of bullets whizzed by awfully close to me. They surprised me - anyone could have lost their balance. So I grabbed Joe.

Anyway, I don’t think the fall is what really hurt Joe so it’s not really my fault. I think that stray bullet that came out of nowhere and hit him in the leg while we were driving to the hospital is why his leg still hurts today. Can you imagine that? Driving down a county road and a bullet hits a passenger in the leg. A big black SUV doesn’t look anything like a deer . . . What are hunters thinking?

I’m feeling my toes again. That’s a good sign - it means I'm really alive! It's not like sitting in the office, falling asleep . . . Wait . . . I see something moving over there. I aim, squeeze the trigger slowly. Then a second shot. Did I hit it? Probably not. Damn! I thought for sure this was my year to get a dear, not a cow like last year. I tell you, if you shoot a cow and then fall out of your blind and break your friend’s leg - well, guys being guys, they won’t let you forget. I’ve heard jokes for a year.

Dinnertime. No one got a deer. Got a few shots off but no one is sure at what. But so what? What is important is that we are men. We are bonding, we are renewed, we are in touch with all the men of generations past who, like us, did what they had to do to ensure the species survived. And on our own, without women . . .

We’re eating steaks and drinking good whiskey. Another day has passed and the species has survived. But too bad about the TV. Plus our truck took a few bullets - one rear window is out and a couple holes in the side panel - nothing major, though.

But next year . . . we have to start planning . . . where should we go . . . where is the best hunting?

Health care reform FAQS

It's hard to keep up with all the issues and facts in the Health Care Reform debates. Will reform kill Granny? Am I going to die while waiting for an MRI the way they do in Canada and Britain? Will we end up a socialist atheist society where soda and potato chips are taxed to pay for Obamacare? And what about those White House deals with PHARMA? Will the pharmaceutical industry go bankrupt and will we all die if we don't PHARMA everything they demand?

These are difficult questions and to be honest, it's all just driving us crazy. So, for those who wish to remain SANE until our representative form of government works its magic, here are the answers to everything you need to know about health care reform.

Why do our insurance companies hate us? Do they really want us to die?
Because there are too many of you and too many people leads to massive traffic jams. And that means that successful Americans like health insurance CEOs can't drive really really fast. It's that simple. Too many people is the problem. So our health insurance industry is working on that. (But don't worry, they don't want you to die. At least not yet. There is still money to collect from all of you.)

It seems that insurance companies giving all that money to our elected representatives is wasteful. Wouldn't it be cheaper for the insurance companies simply to give us that money, sort of a payment not to get sick or make claims? Most of us would be as glad to be bought off as our elected representatives are.
One of the little pleasures insurance folks get in life is denying claims. (Don't knock it until you've tried it!) Would you deny them that? That's probably another reason they hate you. (See above FAQ). You keep them from driving fast. You jam up golf courses because there are so many of you and then you play really slowly because you're a crappy golfer! You smell. You want to tax the rich just like in communist countries. You don't dress well. And now you want to deny them the joys of denying claims. And to bribe you – and you offer nothing in return!