You have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide. You have nothing to hide if you have nothing to fear.
So fear nothing and you need not hide. Hide nothing and you need not fear.

The motto of the Department of Homeland Decency

Monday, October 12, 2009

Get me rewrite! Making the Bible more conservative

The Bible isn't conservative enough. Not only is it not conservative enough, the main reason it isn't is because liberals wrote it. And as you know, liberals have no morals or decency and exist only to destroy all that is good and decent.

This is, however, being corrected. The folks at are now rewriting the Bible. They plan to bring back the purity and goodness that was supposed to be in it, and would have been, except that the liberals and atheists of yesteryear ruined it. This is going to be a huge effort and will take years.

We here at Last Laugh plan to keep you informed of all the major developments in this effort. Our first post here of the following memo was dropped off on our front doorstep by persons unknown. The memo is only a first draft, a working draft, so things will certainly change and some of the ideas mentioned will be discarded. But it will give you an idea of the scope of this project and what the final effort will look like. We promise to post more of these as we come across them.

From: Brother L.
To: Conservative Bible Project Working Group
In re: Initial thoughts and ideas – FOR YOUR EYES ONLY!!!

TOP SECRET! Do not leave notes or other papers around your workplace or home! Return by hand delivery. Do not trust the mails or any package delivery service. Especially do not E-mail!! This is top secret. For your eyes only!!

My initial thoughts about purging liberalism from The Holy Bible follow. I need feedback and input.

Page one: The phrase “day of rest.” Too “union-y”? Sure, God created everything in six days and then the seventh was His day of rest. But doesn't this phrase encourage workers to unionize so they can push for extra vacation, days off, bathroom breaks, longer lunches, etc. Too much idle time only weakens the moral fiber of mankind and leads to perversion, right?

My suggestion: take it out. God can still look out over His creation and do a few things to keep Himself occupied. I mean, He's God. He can do anything. He can rest but who says He needs a whole day to get a good rest! He can get a day's rest in a minute if he wants to - He's God, after all. Maybe that's the way to go: “He rested for a minute.” It's like a coffee break. A coffee break isn't as “union-y” and it won't lead to moral lapses. Thoughts?

Also page one: OK, God created man in His image. That's written clearly, so there is no doubt that God is a man. So why do some people say that God is a woman? How about putting this in bold face! With a couple of exclamation marks: God created man in his image!!! Doesn't that get your attention? We could even try a bigger font size. Or a different color font maybe?

Also page one: It says God made man and gave him dominion over the animals. Now, I'm not a language expert, but if you have dominion over something, don't you need some way to maintain that dominion? Otherwise the animals won't take you seriously. E.g., I wouldn't have dominion over lions and tigers without a weapon. So shouldn't our Bible mention the tools/weapons needed to maintain dominion? I see the hand of liberals in this. I bet there were bleeding-heart do-gooders back then who saw something about “dominion over animals” and “tools” and started screaming about animal rights and how we should all be vegans. “Tools” is good but vague, so let's be specific and mention guns. Something like: “Man has dominion over animals and the better of a shot thou art, the more dominion thou shalt have!” Guns would be a good addition here for our Bible and wouldn't it be fun to cite Biblical verses that mention guns?

Page two: The “tree of knowledge” is a great phrase. But it doesn't go anywhere. We are not supposed to eat of the tree of knowledge, and many of us don't. But the question is, where does this ban on eating “of the tree of knowledge” leave professors and the teachers' unions? I think we need to expand this section so it's obvious that God meant professors and teachers' unions are not good things and should be shunned by all good people. Keep your kids away from them, too.

Also page two: One last point and then I have to leave and go to Bible class. Eve ate the apple and then the Bible says they sewed fig leaves together and made “aprons” and wore them. I'm sure that's not right. Men do not wear aprons. They never have. They wear pants. I am positive this apron thing is part of the homosexual “put a homo in every home” agenda that somehow made it into the Bible thousands of years ago. We have to take this out. They didn't even have aprons back then. Women didn't wear aprons – they just wore whatever they had on when they cooked. Am I right?

That's all I have time for now. Let me know what you think. This is a great project we are working on. I know the world will thank us when we are finished. And remember: don't let anyone else see this. They'll just use it to destroy us.

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