You have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide. You have nothing to hide if you have nothing to fear.
So fear nothing and you need not hide. Hide nothing and you need not fear.

The motto of the Department of Homeland Decency

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Health care reform FAQS

It's hard to keep up with all the issues and facts in the Health Care Reform debates. Will reform kill Granny? Am I going to die while waiting for an MRI the way they do in Canada and Britain? Will we end up a socialist atheist society where soda and potato chips are taxed to pay for Obamacare? And what about those White House deals with PHARMA? Will the pharmaceutical industry go bankrupt and will we all die if we don't PHARMA everything they demand?

These are difficult questions and to be honest, it's all just driving us crazy. So, for those who wish to remain SANE until our representative form of government works its magic, here are the answers to everything you need to know about health care reform.

Why do our insurance companies hate us? Do they really want us to die?
Because there are too many of you and too many people leads to massive traffic jams. And that means that successful Americans like health insurance CEOs can't drive really really fast. It's that simple. Too many people is the problem. So our health insurance industry is working on that. (But don't worry, they don't want you to die. At least not yet. There is still money to collect from all of you.)

It seems that insurance companies giving all that money to our elected representatives is wasteful. Wouldn't it be cheaper for the insurance companies simply to give us that money, sort of a payment not to get sick or make claims? Most of us would be as glad to be bought off as our elected representatives are.
One of the little pleasures insurance folks get in life is denying claims. (Don't knock it until you've tried it!) Would you deny them that? That's probably another reason they hate you. (See above FAQ). You keep them from driving fast. You jam up golf courses because there are so many of you and then you play really slowly because you're a crappy golfer! You smell. You want to tax the rich just like in communist countries. You don't dress well. And now you want to deny them the joys of denying claims. And to bribe you – and you offer nothing in return! 

It seemed like such a simple thing. Fix health care so people don't go broke paying insurance premiums to companies that deny claims and are getting richer and richer as a result. What's so complicated?
Fairness. The fairer something is, the more complicated it is. You don't want your neighbor to pay less than you do and get more, do you? Especially if that neighbor is on welfare or doesn't work as hard as you or is not as white as you or something like that, do you? So making sure that those freeloaders don't get what they don't deserve takes time. Which means Congress has to take lots of time. And time is money. So Congress will get lots more money from insurance companies to make sure everything is fair. So yes, it is complicated, but it's also really simple. You pay insurance companies as much as you can, and they pay your elected representatives to allow them to charge you more. They get richer and richer and somehow everyone gets health insurance. And the French and Canadians can keep their systems!

How long will it take?
Months and months and months more.

Once reform is passed, will my insurance plan listen to my doctor more and let me follow his or her recommendations?
You got to be kidding. The whole point of reform is to get all those loose cannons like doctors out of the system. We don't know why doctors are respected so much, because they are really nothing but a bunch of do-gooders who just lucked into a well-paying job. It's not like they're health plan executives who work hard to figure out new ways to deny claims and make money! And doctors, like do-gooders everywhere, are really naïve and simple-minded. Just because a doctor says a woman needs a mammogram every year doesn't make it so. So don't plan on getting a mammogram every year. And colonoscopies? People did fine without them for hundreds, even thousands of years. Doctors have to be reined in. Who died and put them in charge?

What will be covered after health care reform is signed into law?
Health care reform will primarily cover our bottom line. If we are going to survive these hard times so that future generations of insurance executives can go to work and deny claims and make huge profits, we all have to be tough today. Think of the future. American Indians always considered how their actions would impact the next seven generations, so we will too. In fact, right now, our accountants are going over these issues with your elected representatives at various golf courses and resorts around the world. We will know soon what you can expect. And, of course, as soon as we know, you will know.

But is that really reform? How can you have reform without a public option?

We are calling it reform, so it is reform by definition. That's why it's taking so long. Reform doesn't happen overnight – no important reform ever has. And as far as the public option goes, well, don't get your hopes up. Instead, think about this: DEATH PANELS! KILL GRANNY!! SOCIALISM! That sort of summarizes the public option.

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