You have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide. You have nothing to hide if you have nothing to fear.
So fear nothing and you need not hide. Hide nothing and you need not fear.

The motto of the Department of Homeland Decency

Friday, March 26, 2010

Are You Smarter Than A Texas 5th Grader?

The Texas 5th grader is the new standard of excellence in Homeland edication now that the Texas Board of Edication has rewritten the curriculum for Texas schools.

Gone are historical figures like Thomas Jefferson. (He apparently irritated Texans by coining the phrase “separation of church and state” so they dumped him.) Instead of larnin' about him, they will larn about other historical figures like Phyllis Schlafly (huh?). And the National Rifle Association. Also out of the curriculum: the word “capitalism.” It's being replaced in Texas with the term “free enterprise system” in all the textbooks. (So take that, all you capitalist pigs out there! Even Texas hates you!)

And, by the way, the Homeland is a Christian nation. And Sen. Joe McCarthy was right; the U.S. Government was filled with Commies and he would've rooted them all out and sent them to Kingdom Come, except that liberals and atheists and all the usual suspects who hate America stopped him. That's what they'll be larnin' down in Texas school houses in the 21st century.

Unfortunately, since Texas purchases so many textbooks, textbook publishers ship the same textbooks with the same larnin' to other states. So we'll all be larnin' that personal responsibility is the only surefire way not to get pregnant. (But you already knew, didn't you? And that condoms can explode for no reason at all?)

So, are you smarter than a Texas 5th grader? Take the following quiz, which is based on our understanding of these new and important curriculum standards, and find out.

(Answers are either True or False and are provided at the bottom of the page.)


Adam and Eve had a pet dinosaur named Princess.
Men who are weak and effeminate had moms who were feminists.
Abstinence education works because the horrors of sex before marriage are fully explained.
The world is too big to run out of oil.


Nowhere in the Second Amendment does the term “Separation of Church and State” appear
The right to bear arms is why the Homeland is the greatest place ever in the world.
The Second Amendment was originally the First Amendment, but the liberal media and Hollywood didn't want guns to come before free speech or the right of assembly because they hate America.


We lost in Vietnam because women in the 60s were all feminists who would only date men who got in touch with their feelings.
Men in touch with their feelings can't shoot straight.
Sen. Joe McCarthy was destroyed by a cabal of liberals and secular humanists who hate America.
The Homeland's founding fathers didn't want a government that taxed their Big Macs, soft drinks or health care plans.
The 40s and 50s were great for the Homeland because everyone worked hard and those who didn't didn't eat.
The 60s was a sad time for the Homeland because God was kicked out of schools.

The answers are below. So are you smarter than a Texas 5th grader? If you aren't, don't worry. You can study, work hard and apply yourself. (Which you should be doing anyway.)

By the way, if you are at work or school reading this, that's why you're not smarter than a Texas 5th grader (and may never be). They're not reading this. They probably don't have computers in Texas, either. They're all at home or school, reading the Bible and larnin' all about science. Then they'll graduate and get your job. Then they'll be your boss. Then they'll fire you for being so ignorant. And then they'll be everywhere!

(Uh oh. we're in trouble, too. Quick, help us out here . . . what's the answer to the first question again?)

Answers: all true.


Anonymous said...

I fail to see how any of this is funny at all. Nobody in Texas does anything that you mentioned in this post at all. If I knew anybody in Texas who had the views that you portrayed here then maybe I would have laughed but truth is nobody is like that. I find it insulting that you have portrayed Texans as something that is nowhere near the truth. I can handle people who think we all ride horses everywhere, but what you have written doesn't fit anybody here.

Maybe if you had the decency to go to the place you were making fun of and pick up on and stereotypes then you would be funny. Until then, you just sound stupid.

Cheyanne (Shy Ann) said...

I love your post and have blogged about the selfsame topic today on Blogs Against Theocracy.

I have lived there, in Texas. "Their Kind"... The Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader Kind are there. They exist. If the rest of the country gets the impression that Texas has been hijacked by Jeff Foxworthy "Git 'er Done" Types, who think country western music is the greatest cultural achievement of one group of people, it's only because somebody let 'em. We did not hijack Texas, the Texas School Board and the Neo Con Republicans hijacked Texas. How we think about "their kind" is their fault not ours.

I think you'll like my blog titled: The Tea Party...Texas Tea..Texas Textbook Writers and All Their Texas Connections: How They Plan To Exclude Certain Individuals From American History !!!

Seeing as how we done chose the same topic to blog about ya'll.
Anonymous" is the one who sounds stupid because she/he refuses to see how the rest of the country gets this stupid impression of Texas and Texans. They did it to themselves. Might as well be West Virginia.

mark hoback said...

Damn! I flunked...

BTOC Matt said...

I do believe that Texans are responsible for this politically driven misinformation landing in textbooks.
These decisions were made by representatives elected by the people.
I have many friends in Texas and they are well educated beyond this blatant political crap. I know that not all Texans are ignorant or uneducated. The author may suggest the idiot yahoos who fit a stereotype or prejudice actually want this to happen.
Yes- these stereotypes do very much exist all over the South in various iterations. Ignorance is not limited to Texas.
They just really like their beef BBQ over pork. I will never understand.

Batocchio said...

Entertaining. They didn't completely cut out Jefferson, though, just out of an essay assignment on the Enlightenment - although that was still awfully dumb, and politically motivated.

ZombieJesusWino said...

Doesn't Texas excecute more people than any other state? Ah, yes they do. But on the plus side that means less Texans.