It's now official: God hates the liberal media, churches that do social justice, progressives, Obama, gays, lesbians, and New York City, LA, San Francisco, Europe, Africa, and much of South and Central America.
We know this now because Beck just won the right to broadcast the Rapture.
In a surprise to everyone (except the decent folk everywhere who listen to Beck all day long and were praying for this), Beck now has exclusive rights to the Rapture, including the name, book rights, movie rights, and product tie-ins. No one else can even use the word Rapture without saying “The Rapture Brought To You By Glen Beck.”
"We went after this because we know Beck is a decent, upright, liberal-bashing, true believer, as are his fans, and the other networks aren't," a Beck spokesman said. "We want decency to return to the Homeland and to televisions everywhere. That's why Beck is the one to broadcast the Rapture. Who wants Anderson Cooper or Keith Olbermann to broadcast it? Maybe a secular humanist pinko Homeland hating college professor!"
One problem that has not been ironed out, however, is who would be around to watch a telecast of The Rapture Brought To You By Glen Beck if this event occurs and the world truly ends then. Or who would want to read the books, watch the movies, or buy T-shirts and coffee cups with pictures of Glen Beck on them with a background of The Apocalypse?
Despite that problem, however, Beck producers are very upbeat, as are Fox stockholders. Fox stock went up 50 percent on news of this once-in-a-lifetime telecast.
"We are proud to show this event because we expect it to surpass the combined popularity of the Super Bowl, World Series, Masters Golf Tournament, and Florida 2000 vote count," Beck said. "Viewers should be extremely excited about this. Nothing like this has ever been on TV before. Not even The O'Reilly Factor, as important as that show is, could hope to be this big."
Exactly when this will be on TV is uncertain. Whether this deal is legal is another stumbling block. Regardless of that, however, Fox wants to broadcast at least one more run of American Idol, so if The Rapture comes a little earlier than expected, the the Rapture Brought To You By Glen Beck will not be seen live.