You have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide. You have nothing to hide if you have nothing to fear.
So fear nothing and you need not hide. Hide nothing and you need not fear.

The motto of the Department of Homeland Decency

Thursday, October 7, 2010

FAQ: Raising taxes on rich whiners

We're #1!!!

Well, maybe not in everything. We don't know if we have the smartest people in the world or if we make the best cars anymore. We probably aren't tops in engineering anymore. But we do know where we are #1 and will continue to be #1 for decades to come: we produce the best whiners in the world. It's our really rich people: No one anywhere in the world can beat a good old American billionaire when it comes to whining. We're #1! Our team can't be beat. Let's push for whining to be an Olympic sport. Our billionaires would would easily win the gold! Go USA! We're #1!!

In normal times, you'd think a country we bombed and destroyed like Iraq might lead in this category. Or maybe a country like Mexico that we ruined with our drug habits and gun sales to drug gangs.

But they can't come close to the sophisticated whining of our own home-grown rich whiners. That's why we put together this FAQ. We don't want to lose our competitive edge in this area, but we need money. Should we tax these rich whiners and maybe lose them to some other country? Or should we lower their taxes and keep them around, even if means our roads, schools, etc., will fall apart.

A few points on this important issue follow. We just report, so you can decide.

The Tax-The-Rich Whiner FAQ

I'm sick of listening to them. If we lower taxes on rich whiners, would they stop whining?
No, because it is in their nature to whine. Just as grasshoppers must hop, rich folk must whine about taxes. It's how they let the rest of us know they are rich beyond our wildest dreams. They want the rest of us to know we are just freeloaders since we can't pay anywhere near what they pay. In other words, they want our gratitude.

I don't care – I'm still sick of listening to them. Why not just drive them out to the middle of some desert and leave them there without a GPS or phone or Blackberry or anything? If they can walk out alive, fine. I'll listen to them whine.
No, that would be inhuman. Instead, think about enacting a whine tax: the more they whine, the more they pay. It would solve a lot of problems.

What if the rich decide to go on strike because their taxes go up? You know, not work until we stopped taxing them, just to show us how important they are? Would that destroy life as we know it?
Well, you are assuming they work really hard to start with. But lots of their days are spent golfing or at the club or meeting up with lovers for affairs. So if they went on strike, they would run the risk of having the rest of us find out they really don't produce much. Even worse, if they did go on strike, wouldn't they have to picket something, something their taxes are paying for? Like a daycare center? Or a homeless shelter? And they'd be doing it rain or shine. Could they really do that? Probably not without whining a lot.

But wouldn't higher taxes on the wealthy put us on a slippery slope to becoming more like France or Italy?
Yes, it would. But whatever you might think about rich whiners, they do have pride. And one thing they are proud of is being #1. And if we became more like France or Italy, well, it would make their whining even better, richer, more profound. Their whines might become so profound that they would sound like French philosophers. They would like that, because they do think the French are sophisticated. So, yes, we would be on a slippery slope, but where it would lead, we don't know yet.

One last question: I'd like to try my hand at being a rich whiner. What's a good entry to this field?
Sorry, but there are no openings. First, rich whiners are born, not made. It's in their genes, which they make sure none of the rest of us will ever have by not marrying people like us. And second, the rich whiners are saving any openings for their children. As we said, they are born, not made, and there is a ready supply coming up through their country day school system everywhere.

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