The Department of Homeland Decency wants you to know: “Nothing says 'Homeland' better than a sandwich.”
You should also know the corollary to that: “Nothing says terrorist better than a cup of Campbell's new line of 15 halal-certified soups.”
That's the new Muslim-approved soup that complies with the dietary regulations of the two percent of the American population that follows Islam, soup which some real Homelanders may have been ingesting unwittingly.
Scary? You bet. So what can you, a real Homelander, do about this? The Department of Homeland Decency suggests the following: let a sandwich be your weapon.
When your coworkers from foreign lands sit down in the lunchroom with their rice or salsa and chips or even now that bowl of jihadist soup, they are living without hope. That's what that kind of a diet does, and hopelessness means they are more likely to become a terrorist.
This is where your sandwich comes in. Offer them a bite of your Big Mac. You will be surprised at how effective an anti-terrorist blow that can be. A simple sandwich shows them how great our Homeland is.
Plus, now that you have opened a line of communication with your foreign coworker, you can do more to make them love the Homeland. For instance, if they are wearing a scarf over their head and mouth or a turban, show them your ski cap. Let them try it on so they will know how warm it can be and how good it can look on anyone.
That's the kind of culture sharing that shows others how great the Homeland is. It also may very well stop another 9/11 before it begins!
And it all started with a sandwich!
This announcement is a public service. For more information on keeping the Homeland decent, refer to "The Department of Homeland Decency's Decency Rules and Regulations Manual." We are marching proudly back to the future. Join us.