Here is some great fun, courtesy of The Tea Party and our own Department of Homeland Decency! (Kids --you'll love this, too!!) We offer this as a courtesy to readers to help them understand what the next few years will be like.
Dear Great Americans Everywhere,
To celebrate our great moral victory in the November election, the newly formed Tea Party in conjunction with The Department of Homeland Decency's Office of Homeland Heresy is sponsoring its first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest!
Look around you. Who are the heretics in your neighborhood? Point them out to us and with your help, we will once again make America safe for the 19th century.
The rules for this contest are simple. Write in 50 words or less why your neighborhood heretic should be sent up the river. Do they stay home on Sunday morning when you go to church? Do they believe in global warming or the death tax? Do they think they are entitled to government riches? Do they want to tax the rich to pay for their sense of entitlement? Worst of all: Do they think we all come from apes?
Heresy can take many different forms, and the deeper you can develop your essay, the easier it will be for our analysts and judges to decide who deserves to go to prison. To help you start out, try to think of things heretics do or say that you don't want your kids to know about, even when they are 30 or 40 years old and have kids and jobs of their own.
To get things rolling, we had several of our good friends write short essays. We hope these give you a clear idea of how we, with your help, can once again make America safe for the 19th century.
Dear Office of Homeland Heresy,
A neighbor said at our neighborhood block party last summer that he thinks Al Franken is funny. Some children heard him talk about the books Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot and Stupid White Men and they cried all night. Nothing I said could make them understand why anyone would say such mean things. Please send Al Franken to prison for his obvious lack of virtue. Thank you.
Virtuously yours, Norm Coleman
Dear Homeland Heresy people,
I was shocked to discover that my girlfriend has to watch CNN at work just because her boss likes it. This is what I mean when I say liberals hate America. Send that boss to a prison where he has to listen to me and Bill and Sean and Oliver North and all the great American ditto-heads and that'll show him how great America is!
Sincerely, R. Limbaugh
Dear Homeland Heresy,
Canadians cook funny foods! And does anyone understand their English accent? I think they speak some French up there, too! I'd like you to investigate our Canadian neighbors and send them all away. Or shoot 'em. Whatever works best for you works for me.
Sincerely, Drudge
Dear Office of Homeland Heresy,
I miss GW Bush! I dream about him at night. I'm tired of peace signs in my neighbor's front yard. If Obama had been around in 1940, we'd all be speaking German. Or maybe Russian. The other day I saw a teenager down the street buy a condom. He'll never be a decent Christian. And let's not even talk about his teachers!
And those Arab-Canadians out there - aren't they just a combination of the worst of the worst?
I just can't make up my mind who to pick. Can we send them all to prison?
Sincerely, Michele Bachmann
PS: I'm going to burn up that peace sign down the street and you better not say anything about it.
Dear Office of Homeland Heresy,
Anita Hill. Get her to apologize!
Thank you.
Sincerely, Ginni Thomas
First prize in our first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest is something special: the winner gets a front row seat when we sentence their neighborhood heretic to that all-expense paid trip up the river.
Second and third prizes are equally special: DVDs of your neighborhood heretic being interrogated. When will they break? How much can they take before sobbing? Will they be a jittery mass of quivering blob within a week? You and your family can spend many nights enjoying these suspenseful views of how we get heretics to talk to us.
We also plan to give away about 100 consolation prizes, including front row seats for you and your whole family to any heresy trials in your neighborhood! The winners will be announced at a special edition of the No Spin Zone on Christmas Eve, hosted by Bill O'Reilly. There will be many surprise guests, including Tea Party favorites, Juan Williams, Norm Coleman, and our favorite: Joe the Plumber.
So send your essay off to us at The Office of Homeland Heresy. Just write that on the envelope and it will get to us, even without a stamp. That's how important it is to get this first annual "Send A Heretic To Prison!" contest out there. With your help, we will make America safe for the 17th century!
The family that has fun together, stays together. Learn more about family fun and how to raise decent children by ordering "Department of Homeland Decency: Decency Rules and Regulations Manual" from amazon.com and bookstores everywhere.
". . . marching proudly back to the future . . . "
Monday, October 25, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
You are what you eat!
The Department of Homeland Decency wants you to know: “Nothing says 'Homeland' better than a sandwich.”
You should also know the corollary to that: “Nothing says terrorist better than a cup of Campbell's new line of 15 halal-certified soups.”
That's the new Muslim-approved soup that complies with the dietary regulations of the two percent of the American population that follows Islam, soup which some real Homelanders may have been ingesting unwittingly.
Scary? You bet. So what can you, a real Homelander, do about this? The Department of Homeland Decency suggests the following: let a sandwich be your weapon.
When your coworkers from foreign lands sit down in the lunchroom with their rice or salsa and chips or even now that bowl of jihadist soup, they are living without hope. That's what that kind of a diet does, and hopelessness means they are more likely to become a terrorist.
This is where your sandwich comes in. Offer them a bite of your Big Mac. You will be surprised at how effective an anti-terrorist blow that can be. A simple sandwich shows them how great our Homeland is.
Plus, now that you have opened a line of communication with your foreign coworker, you can do more to make them love the Homeland. For instance, if they are wearing a scarf over their head and mouth or a turban, show them your ski cap. Let them try it on so they will know how warm it can be and how good it can look on anyone.
That's the kind of culture sharing that shows others how great the Homeland is. It also may very well stop another 9/11 before it begins!
And it all started with a sandwich!
This announcement is a public service. For more information on keeping the Homeland decent, refer to "The Department of Homeland Decency's Decency Rules and Regulations Manual." We are marching proudly back to the future. Join us.
You should also know the corollary to that: “Nothing says terrorist better than a cup of Campbell's new line of 15 halal-certified soups.”
That's the new Muslim-approved soup that complies with the dietary regulations of the two percent of the American population that follows Islam, soup which some real Homelanders may have been ingesting unwittingly.
Scary? You bet. So what can you, a real Homelander, do about this? The Department of Homeland Decency suggests the following: let a sandwich be your weapon.
When your coworkers from foreign lands sit down in the lunchroom with their rice or salsa and chips or even now that bowl of jihadist soup, they are living without hope. That's what that kind of a diet does, and hopelessness means they are more likely to become a terrorist.
This is where your sandwich comes in. Offer them a bite of your Big Mac. You will be surprised at how effective an anti-terrorist blow that can be. A simple sandwich shows them how great our Homeland is.
Plus, now that you have opened a line of communication with your foreign coworker, you can do more to make them love the Homeland. For instance, if they are wearing a scarf over their head and mouth or a turban, show them your ski cap. Let them try it on so they will know how warm it can be and how good it can look on anyone.
That's the kind of culture sharing that shows others how great the Homeland is. It also may very well stop another 9/11 before it begins!
And it all started with a sandwich!
This announcement is a public service. For more information on keeping the Homeland decent, refer to "The Department of Homeland Decency's Decency Rules and Regulations Manual." We are marching proudly back to the future. Join us.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
The Department of Homeland Decency Hero Of The Week
Carl Paladino, the New York candidate for Governor of New York, is this weeks Department of Homeland Decency Hero Of The Week. He represents everything we at the Department of Homeland Decency hold dear and in his short campaign he has taken on gays, Muslims, the media, and who knows what else. He is an inspiration to decent Homelanders everywhere.
We believe he agrees with our efforts to return decency to the bedroom. As we have always maintained, our Intelligent Designer designed “it” to be done by a Mommy and a Daddy, which is why the very intimate and private parts of Mommy and Daddy fit together perfectly when they do “it.” This is why they can finish “it” quickly and quietly without moaning or screaming and then get up and go about daily life as if nothing had happened.
On the other hand, if two Mommies do it together, or two Daddies, the parts don't fit, causing pain and anguish, which leads to moaning and screaming, bed squeaking, sweating, joint pain, falling property values, urban blight, STDs, cancer, and increased vulnerability to terrorist attack.
With people like Mr. Paladino on our side, we believe our vision of a better and more decent Homeland will soon come to pass. So, congratulations, Mr. Paladino. And good luck in New York!
We believe he agrees with our efforts to return decency to the bedroom. As we have always maintained, our Intelligent Designer designed “it” to be done by a Mommy and a Daddy, which is why the very intimate and private parts of Mommy and Daddy fit together perfectly when they do “it.” This is why they can finish “it” quickly and quietly without moaning or screaming and then get up and go about daily life as if nothing had happened.
On the other hand, if two Mommies do it together, or two Daddies, the parts don't fit, causing pain and anguish, which leads to moaning and screaming, bed squeaking, sweating, joint pain, falling property values, urban blight, STDs, cancer, and increased vulnerability to terrorist attack.
With people like Mr. Paladino on our side, we believe our vision of a better and more decent Homeland will soon come to pass. So, congratulations, Mr. Paladino. And good luck in New York!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
FAQ: Raising taxes on rich whiners
We're #1!!!
Well, maybe not in everything. We don't know if we have the smartest people in the world or if we make the best cars anymore. We probably aren't tops in engineering anymore. But we do know where we are #1 and will continue to be #1 for decades to come: we produce the best whiners in the world. It's our really rich people: No one anywhere in the world can beat a good old American billionaire when it comes to whining. We're #1! Our team can't be beat. Let's push for whining to be an Olympic sport. Our billionaires would would easily win the gold! Go USA! We're #1!!
In normal times, you'd think a country we bombed and destroyed like Iraq might lead in this category. Or maybe a country like Mexico that we ruined with our drug habits and gun sales to drug gangs.
But they can't come close to the sophisticated whining of our own home-grown rich whiners. That's why we put together this FAQ. We don't want to lose our competitive edge in this area, but we need money. Should we tax these rich whiners and maybe lose them to some other country? Or should we lower their taxes and keep them around, even if means our roads, schools, etc., will fall apart.
A few points on this important issue follow. We just report, so you can decide.
The Tax-The-Rich Whiner FAQ
I'm sick of listening to them. If we lower taxes on rich whiners, would they stop whining?
No, because it is in their nature to whine. Just as grasshoppers must hop, rich folk must whine about taxes. It's how they let the rest of us know they are rich beyond our wildest dreams. They want the rest of us to know we are just freeloaders since we can't pay anywhere near what they pay. In other words, they want our gratitude.
I don't care – I'm still sick of listening to them. Why not just drive them out to the middle of some desert and leave them there without a GPS or phone or Blackberry or anything? If they can walk out alive, fine. I'll listen to them whine.
No, that would be inhuman. Instead, think about enacting a whine tax: the more they whine, the more they pay. It would solve a lot of problems.
What if the rich decide to go on strike because their taxes go up? You know, not work until we stopped taxing them, just to show us how important they are? Would that destroy life as we know it?
Well, you are assuming they work really hard to start with. But lots of their days are spent golfing or at the club or meeting up with lovers for affairs. So if they went on strike, they would run the risk of having the rest of us find out they really don't produce much. Even worse, if they did go on strike, wouldn't they have to picket something, something their taxes are paying for? Like a daycare center? Or a homeless shelter? And they'd be doing it rain or shine. Could they really do that? Probably not without whining a lot.
But wouldn't higher taxes on the wealthy put us on a slippery slope to becoming more like France or Italy?
Yes, it would. But whatever you might think about rich whiners, they do have pride. And one thing they are proud of is being #1. And if we became more like France or Italy, well, it would make their whining even better, richer, more profound. Their whines might become so profound that they would sound like French philosophers. They would like that, because they do think the French are sophisticated. So, yes, we would be on a slippery slope, but where it would lead, we don't know yet.
One last question: I'd like to try my hand at being a rich whiner. What's a good entry to this field?
Sorry, but there are no openings. First, rich whiners are born, not made. It's in their genes, which they make sure none of the rest of us will ever have by not marrying people like us. And second, the rich whiners are saving any openings for their children. As we said, they are born, not made, and there is a ready supply coming up through their country day school system everywhere.
Well, maybe not in everything. We don't know if we have the smartest people in the world or if we make the best cars anymore. We probably aren't tops in engineering anymore. But we do know where we are #1 and will continue to be #1 for decades to come: we produce the best whiners in the world. It's our really rich people: No one anywhere in the world can beat a good old American billionaire when it comes to whining. We're #1! Our team can't be beat. Let's push for whining to be an Olympic sport. Our billionaires would would easily win the gold! Go USA! We're #1!!
In normal times, you'd think a country we bombed and destroyed like Iraq might lead in this category. Or maybe a country like Mexico that we ruined with our drug habits and gun sales to drug gangs.
But they can't come close to the sophisticated whining of our own home-grown rich whiners. That's why we put together this FAQ. We don't want to lose our competitive edge in this area, but we need money. Should we tax these rich whiners and maybe lose them to some other country? Or should we lower their taxes and keep them around, even if means our roads, schools, etc., will fall apart.
A few points on this important issue follow. We just report, so you can decide.
I'm sick of listening to them. If we lower taxes on rich whiners, would they stop whining?
No, because it is in their nature to whine. Just as grasshoppers must hop, rich folk must whine about taxes. It's how they let the rest of us know they are rich beyond our wildest dreams. They want the rest of us to know we are just freeloaders since we can't pay anywhere near what they pay. In other words, they want our gratitude.
I don't care – I'm still sick of listening to them. Why not just drive them out to the middle of some desert and leave them there without a GPS or phone or Blackberry or anything? If they can walk out alive, fine. I'll listen to them whine.
No, that would be inhuman. Instead, think about enacting a whine tax: the more they whine, the more they pay. It would solve a lot of problems.
What if the rich decide to go on strike because their taxes go up? You know, not work until we stopped taxing them, just to show us how important they are? Would that destroy life as we know it?
Well, you are assuming they work really hard to start with. But lots of their days are spent golfing or at the club or meeting up with lovers for affairs. So if they went on strike, they would run the risk of having the rest of us find out they really don't produce much. Even worse, if they did go on strike, wouldn't they have to picket something, something their taxes are paying for? Like a daycare center? Or a homeless shelter? And they'd be doing it rain or shine. Could they really do that? Probably not without whining a lot.
But wouldn't higher taxes on the wealthy put us on a slippery slope to becoming more like France or Italy?
Yes, it would. But whatever you might think about rich whiners, they do have pride. And one thing they are proud of is being #1. And if we became more like France or Italy, well, it would make their whining even better, richer, more profound. Their whines might become so profound that they would sound like French philosophers. They would like that, because they do think the French are sophisticated. So, yes, we would be on a slippery slope, but where it would lead, we don't know yet.
One last question: I'd like to try my hand at being a rich whiner. What's a good entry to this field?
Sorry, but there are no openings. First, rich whiners are born, not made. It's in their genes, which they make sure none of the rest of us will ever have by not marrying people like us. And second, the rich whiners are saving any openings for their children. As we said, they are born, not made, and there is a ready supply coming up through their country day school system everywhere.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Department of Homeland Decency and Medical Marijuana
Will we see medical marijuana legalized in more states this year or in coming years? Unfortunately, the culture wars are returning and this is but one battle. Plus, The Department of Homeland Decency is opposed to it and its spokesperson, Mrs. Flue, explains why in the following video. We found this video and post it here so voters can make informed choices. View it. Tell your friends. Then do the right thing.
If the Republicans win big, Mrs. Flue will become the norm again. Let's hope that doesn't happen.
And if you wish to know more, please buy The Department of Homeland Decency's Rules and Regulations Manual (information is listed in the right hand column). It will prepare you for the return of the Age of Decency.
If the Republicans win big, Mrs. Flue will become the norm again. Let's hope that doesn't happen.
And if you wish to know more, please buy The Department of Homeland Decency's Rules and Regulations Manual (information is listed in the right hand column). It will prepare you for the return of the Age of Decency.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Safety Tips From The Department of Homeland Decency
In these dangerous days, we all must be prepared for anything. It is our patriotic duty. Evil is out there, waiting to strike, waiting to take your country from you and turn it into something foreign and alien.
For instance, when you buy a candy bar at your local Quick Mart, how do you know those people behind the counter are real capitalists who want to become like us? How do you know that some of the money you give them for that candy bar is not going to some atheist humanist Muslim terrorist organization intent on destroying life as we know and enjoy it? How can you be sure? More importantly, how would you find out?
Or suppose you take your family to a blockbuster movie. What would you think if, in so doing, you were unwittingly funding a porno liberal Homeland-hating cabal of gay hedonists whose goal in life is to make our country into Europe or Canada? Do you want to live in Europe or Canada? Do you want your kids to? So ask yourself before you go to that next blockbuster: What can I do to help ensure the safety of my kids and my Homeland?
Speaking of your kids, what about the school your kids go to? Unions, of course, are OK to an extent. But what happens to your kids when they hear teachers spouting anti-freedom union propaganda that is socialist one-world nonsense? Young minds are not hardened against such indecencies and believe everything they are told. That is how unscrupulous union teachers shape and distort young eager innocent minds. Is that happening to your kids?
These are just a few of the many dangers in the Homeland these difficult days. That is why The Department of Homeland Decency is working to give Homelanders the tools they need to fight these evils. We have commissioned a study group made up of real American patriots that will design study questions to help everyone recognize all the extreme dangers around us. We call this program Problems in Evil, or PIE.
Join us today as we fight back to reclaim our country. Make the study of PIE a family or neighborhood event. Bring your family and friends together to study and discuss these problems.
And then you will be prepared when you are out there alone and evil comes after you. The following is the first phase of of our PIE home-study session. You will be tested on this, so be sure to spend as much time as you need on it.
It's Thanksgiving and one of your young relatives is eating Tofurkey. In simpler times, this might not be a problem, but we do not live in simple times so Tofurkey is a major problem. Here's your dilemma: You like this young relative and want to help and support him but at the same time you know Tofurkey is wrong and shouldn't be served on a holy day like Thanksgiving. But you don't want to embarrass him in front of the whole family. What do you do?
A: Say nothing in the belief that tolerance and diversity are great national virtues and that your young relative will like you more for smiling and supporting veganism.
B: Ask to try it and smile and support your young relative, even though you hate Tofurkey and know it is evil and should be banned.
C: Put it all on the table and point out that real Americans got to be real Americans by eating meat, and it is our great tradition to be able to eat more meat than our ancestors ever dreamed could possibly be eaten in one lifetime. Our continent was tamed by meat-eaters, and if we don't honor that by serving and eating meat, the evil atheist tofu-loving Muslim terrorists will win.
Correct answer: C. If you are going to fight evil, who do you want on your side: a weeny tofu-eating liberal who drives a weeny looking car? Or someone who had a solid meat and potatoes dinner, owns a big pickup, and is ready to fight anytime, anywhere? We think the answer is pretty obvious.
You're in line at the airport and someone ahead of you doesn't want to be searched. It's holding up the line. What would a real American do?
A: Support this stranger by pointing out that they are right in the belief that privacy and individual freedom are great national virtues. Mention that government doesn't get to search people willy nilly. Join in with the person in refusing to be searched.
B: Look annoyed and then look for a shorter line.
C: Read aloud for everyone's sake the DOHD motto: “You have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide. You have nothing to hide if you have nothing to fear. So fear nothing and you need not hide. Hide nothing and you need not fear.” This will help everyone deal with these issues in the future and keep them from getting scared in these situations.
Correct answer: C. Most people have nothing to hide, so they should be happy to show the evildoers out there what goodness and decency looks and acts like. Those who are hiding things are by definition evildoers who take advantage of our freedoms to try to destroy us. One of these people could easily be standing next to you in any airport line. That's why we need to look under everyone's clothes, frisk them, go through their bags just in case something bad is in there, and ask lots of questions.
The last discussion item for this PIE session: You're at work and you notice that there are more and more weird, foreign-looking foods in the lunch room refrigerator. There are so many yogurts and salsas and rice dishes and even tofu that you can barely find room for your sandwich. So what do you do when you sit down at lunch and someone who barely speaks English sits next to you because there is no other space available?
A: Shake your head “No” as if to suggest that someone is going to join you, even though you know that they know this is a lie.
B: Eat your sandwich quickly and silently and look annoyed at their food.
C: Offer them a bit of your sandwich because you know that nothing says Homeland like a good sandwich and once they taste a Homeland sandwich they will give up their evil-doing, learn English and become a regular Sunday morning church-goer.
Correct answer: C. When they are eating friend rice or salsa and chips, they are living without hope. That means they are more likely to become a terrorist. So offering them a bite of your Big Mac is as great an anti-terrorist action that anyone can take. Ever. Plus, if they are wearing a scarf over their head and mouth or a turban, show them your ski cap. Let them try it on so they will know how warm it can be and how good it can look on anyone. That's the kind of culture sharing that shows others how great the Homeland is. It also may very well stop another 9/11 before it begins!
So remember: it's up to you to find evil. We can't be everywhere. In the meantime, always remember our motto, because it will keep you and your family safe:
“You have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide.
You have nothing to hide if you have nothing to fear.
So fear nothing and you need not hide.
Hide nothing and you need not fear.”
For instance, when you buy a candy bar at your local Quick Mart, how do you know those people behind the counter are real capitalists who want to become like us? How do you know that some of the money you give them for that candy bar is not going to some atheist humanist Muslim terrorist organization intent on destroying life as we know and enjoy it? How can you be sure? More importantly, how would you find out?
Or suppose you take your family to a blockbuster movie. What would you think if, in so doing, you were unwittingly funding a porno liberal Homeland-hating cabal of gay hedonists whose goal in life is to make our country into Europe or Canada? Do you want to live in Europe or Canada? Do you want your kids to? So ask yourself before you go to that next blockbuster: What can I do to help ensure the safety of my kids and my Homeland?
Speaking of your kids, what about the school your kids go to? Unions, of course, are OK to an extent. But what happens to your kids when they hear teachers spouting anti-freedom union propaganda that is socialist one-world nonsense? Young minds are not hardened against such indecencies and believe everything they are told. That is how unscrupulous union teachers shape and distort young eager innocent minds. Is that happening to your kids?
These are just a few of the many dangers in the Homeland these difficult days. That is why The Department of Homeland Decency is working to give Homelanders the tools they need to fight these evils. We have commissioned a study group made up of real American patriots that will design study questions to help everyone recognize all the extreme dangers around us. We call this program Problems in Evil, or PIE.
Join us today as we fight back to reclaim our country. Make the study of PIE a family or neighborhood event. Bring your family and friends together to study and discuss these problems.
And then you will be prepared when you are out there alone and evil comes after you. The following is the first phase of of our PIE home-study session. You will be tested on this, so be sure to spend as much time as you need on it.
It's Thanksgiving and one of your young relatives is eating Tofurkey. In simpler times, this might not be a problem, but we do not live in simple times so Tofurkey is a major problem. Here's your dilemma: You like this young relative and want to help and support him but at the same time you know Tofurkey is wrong and shouldn't be served on a holy day like Thanksgiving. But you don't want to embarrass him in front of the whole family. What do you do?
B: Ask to try it and smile and support your young relative, even though you hate Tofurkey and know it is evil and should be banned.
C: Put it all on the table and point out that real Americans got to be real Americans by eating meat, and it is our great tradition to be able to eat more meat than our ancestors ever dreamed could possibly be eaten in one lifetime. Our continent was tamed by meat-eaters, and if we don't honor that by serving and eating meat, the evil atheist tofu-loving Muslim terrorists will win.
Correct answer: C. If you are going to fight evil, who do you want on your side: a weeny tofu-eating liberal who drives a weeny looking car? Or someone who had a solid meat and potatoes dinner, owns a big pickup, and is ready to fight anytime, anywhere? We think the answer is pretty obvious.
You're in line at the airport and someone ahead of you doesn't want to be searched. It's holding up the line. What would a real American do?
B: Look annoyed and then look for a shorter line.
C: Read aloud for everyone's sake the DOHD motto: “You have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide. You have nothing to hide if you have nothing to fear. So fear nothing and you need not hide. Hide nothing and you need not fear.” This will help everyone deal with these issues in the future and keep them from getting scared in these situations.
Correct answer: C. Most people have nothing to hide, so they should be happy to show the evildoers out there what goodness and decency looks and acts like. Those who are hiding things are by definition evildoers who take advantage of our freedoms to try to destroy us. One of these people could easily be standing next to you in any airport line. That's why we need to look under everyone's clothes, frisk them, go through their bags just in case something bad is in there, and ask lots of questions.
The last discussion item for this PIE session: You're at work and you notice that there are more and more weird, foreign-looking foods in the lunch room refrigerator. There are so many yogurts and salsas and rice dishes and even tofu that you can barely find room for your sandwich. So what do you do when you sit down at lunch and someone who barely speaks English sits next to you because there is no other space available?
B: Eat your sandwich quickly and silently and look annoyed at their food.
C: Offer them a bit of your sandwich because you know that nothing says Homeland like a good sandwich and once they taste a Homeland sandwich they will give up their evil-doing, learn English and become a regular Sunday morning church-goer.
Correct answer: C. When they are eating friend rice or salsa and chips, they are living without hope. That means they are more likely to become a terrorist. So offering them a bite of your Big Mac is as great an anti-terrorist action that anyone can take. Ever. Plus, if they are wearing a scarf over their head and mouth or a turban, show them your ski cap. Let them try it on so they will know how warm it can be and how good it can look on anyone. That's the kind of culture sharing that shows others how great the Homeland is. It also may very well stop another 9/11 before it begins!
So remember: it's up to you to find evil. We can't be everywhere. In the meantime, always remember our motto, because it will keep you and your family safe:
You have nothing to hide if you have nothing to fear.
So fear nothing and you need not hide.
Hide nothing and you need not fear.”
Monday, August 23, 2010
HATEFEST 2010! A few more things Republicans could easily hate if they just their minds to it.
Republicans: You're not working hard enough! There are still many hateful things out there you are not foaming at the mouth over. Don't just sit there and expect others to do it! It's up to you to. Accept responsibility. If you work hard, yes, you can teach us all to hate and do it just as well as you do!
You need some examples to get yourself worked up so you can hate as well as other Republicans? Well, pick something, anything. Sidewalk sales, for instance. So far Republicans haven't expressed any strong hatred for Sidewalk Sales, but that doesn't mean they couldn't. Suppose Newt, the guy with the Ph.D. and all the great ideas, got up one day and said: “Who goes to sidewalk sales? What do they buy there? Did you know that Sidewalk Sales have roots in Arab markets? The shoe bomber bought his shoes at Arab markets.” Then Fox News starts investigating: “Terrorists buy phones and wires at Sidewalk Sales that blow up our troops.” Then McCain: “What's wrong with your local mall? Malls are American, run by Americans. Plus they have guards there to keep terrorists and other brown people out. People who go to Sidewalk Sales hate America.”
If you work hard and practice, you can learn to hate just about anything. Here's more stuff you could hate, if you just put in a good honest effort! (And just so everyone knows: there's still plenty of time between now and November to hate a lot more things. You're just going to have to work really really really hard at it. . . .)
Tofu Eaters. Mitt Romney, so afraid of being seen as a cultist Mormon liberal big government type, starts it off: “Tofueaters don't go to my Country Clubs. We eat steaks and chicken and good American foods at my Country Clubs!” Fox News sportscasters point out: “Brett Favre avoids tofu. And he doesn't let his lineman get near the stuff. That's why he's lasted so long. Who do you want defending you from some 350-pound defensive end: Some Ph.D. football player from Harvard who eats tofu? or someone from Oklahoma who eats raw steer meat for breakfast?” And finally Palin chirps in: “Obama loves tofu.”
Men With Cats. Cokie Roberts starts it off by pointing out: “A dog is a man's best friend. Cats are exotic and if you think about it, they are aloof like Obama. They act like they hate America.” Maureen Dowd displays her knowledge of men with cats: “Men with cats don't know how to load a gun. They don't want to know. If a burglar terrorist were breaking into your home to steal your TV and your daughter's honor, what's a man with a cat gonna do? Cook up some tofu for the terrorist burglar and negotiate? Men: Don't let your daughters fall for a man with a cat. I know. I've been there.”
Foreign Countries. Bill Kristol finally says it: “Let's just admit it: Foreign countries have no reason to exist except as another place for the U.S. to invade.” Steve Doocy expresses how poorly he was treated in foreign countries: “Have you ever been to one? First, you have to learn their language. Then you have to deal with their cabbies who are trying to cheat you out of a few pennies and try to get them to give you the right change. Then figure out their currency.” Gretchen Carlson gets really excited at this: “And have you ever eaten dinner in a foreign country? Those foreign chefs look down their noses at hamburgers and such.” David Brooks makes it sound intelligent: “Plus foreign countries are just sitting there taking up space and sitting on who knows how many billions – or even trillions – of dollars worth of resources. Someone should mine or harvest all that and then put to good use here in the Homeland.” Finally, Dick Cheney rises from the dead and says: “Liberals like to travel to foreign countries. That's why we hate all foreign countries. So, we need to invade all the foreign countries that we haven't yet invaded, convert everyone there to capitalism, take their good stuff, and then have a steak for dinner.”
Broccoli. Michele Bachmann, who probably never serves broccoli, says: “It's hard to spell. It's a vegetable. And it just leads to harder socialist stuff. If you serve it to your kids, before you know it they will be eating tofu!”
Old Thin Men. Rush Limbaugh starts this one off: “Who are they trying to impress? Do they think that because they are thin they will get more sex than all of us fat old men? There's nothing worse than getting on a plane, sitting across the aisle from an old thin man, and watching him eat. The bag of peanuts fills him up. Then he has a glass of water.” Mika Brezinski chimes in: “Have you ever noticed how thin old Muslim men are? Just something to think about . . .” And Michele Bachmann brings the hatred home: “And, by the way, have you noticed how thin our Muslim president is? Just thinking out loud here. . . .”
Bike lanes. Talk radio in any town is always on top of this issue: “They take up space that cars could use. They get in the way. Cyclists wear funny clothes. And they don't pay for that space. That's what Communists did. So give all that space to cars and keep bikes off the roads, on sidewalks or elsewhere. (And don't get me started on buses!!!!)”
You go, Republicans! Work on it. The rest of us are feeling left out.
You need some examples to get yourself worked up so you can hate as well as other Republicans? Well, pick something, anything. Sidewalk sales, for instance. So far Republicans haven't expressed any strong hatred for Sidewalk Sales, but that doesn't mean they couldn't. Suppose Newt, the guy with the Ph.D. and all the great ideas, got up one day and said: “Who goes to sidewalk sales? What do they buy there? Did you know that Sidewalk Sales have roots in Arab markets? The shoe bomber bought his shoes at Arab markets.” Then Fox News starts investigating: “Terrorists buy phones and wires at Sidewalk Sales that blow up our troops.” Then McCain: “What's wrong with your local mall? Malls are American, run by Americans. Plus they have guards there to keep terrorists and other brown people out. People who go to Sidewalk Sales hate America.”
If you work hard and practice, you can learn to hate just about anything. Here's more stuff you could hate, if you just put in a good honest effort! (And just so everyone knows: there's still plenty of time between now and November to hate a lot more things. You're just going to have to work really really really hard at it. . . .)
Tofu Eaters. Mitt Romney, so afraid of being seen as a cultist Mormon liberal big government type, starts it off: “Tofueaters don't go to my Country Clubs. We eat steaks and chicken and good American foods at my Country Clubs!” Fox News sportscasters point out: “Brett Favre avoids tofu. And he doesn't let his lineman get near the stuff. That's why he's lasted so long. Who do you want defending you from some 350-pound defensive end: Some Ph.D. football player from Harvard who eats tofu? or someone from Oklahoma who eats raw steer meat for breakfast?” And finally Palin chirps in: “Obama loves tofu.”
Men With Cats. Cokie Roberts starts it off by pointing out: “A dog is a man's best friend. Cats are exotic and if you think about it, they are aloof like Obama. They act like they hate America.” Maureen Dowd displays her knowledge of men with cats: “Men with cats don't know how to load a gun. They don't want to know. If a burglar terrorist were breaking into your home to steal your TV and your daughter's honor, what's a man with a cat gonna do? Cook up some tofu for the terrorist burglar and negotiate? Men: Don't let your daughters fall for a man with a cat. I know. I've been there.”
Foreign Countries. Bill Kristol finally says it: “Let's just admit it: Foreign countries have no reason to exist except as another place for the U.S. to invade.” Steve Doocy expresses how poorly he was treated in foreign countries: “Have you ever been to one? First, you have to learn their language. Then you have to deal with their cabbies who are trying to cheat you out of a few pennies and try to get them to give you the right change. Then figure out their currency.” Gretchen Carlson gets really excited at this: “And have you ever eaten dinner in a foreign country? Those foreign chefs look down their noses at hamburgers and such.” David Brooks makes it sound intelligent: “Plus foreign countries are just sitting there taking up space and sitting on who knows how many billions – or even trillions – of dollars worth of resources. Someone should mine or harvest all that and then put to good use here in the Homeland.” Finally, Dick Cheney rises from the dead and says: “Liberals like to travel to foreign countries. That's why we hate all foreign countries. So, we need to invade all the foreign countries that we haven't yet invaded, convert everyone there to capitalism, take their good stuff, and then have a steak for dinner.”
Broccoli. Michele Bachmann, who probably never serves broccoli, says: “It's hard to spell. It's a vegetable. And it just leads to harder socialist stuff. If you serve it to your kids, before you know it they will be eating tofu!”
Old Thin Men. Rush Limbaugh starts this one off: “Who are they trying to impress? Do they think that because they are thin they will get more sex than all of us fat old men? There's nothing worse than getting on a plane, sitting across the aisle from an old thin man, and watching him eat. The bag of peanuts fills him up. Then he has a glass of water.” Mika Brezinski chimes in: “Have you ever noticed how thin old Muslim men are? Just something to think about . . .” And Michele Bachmann brings the hatred home: “And, by the way, have you noticed how thin our Muslim president is? Just thinking out loud here. . . .”
Bike lanes. Talk radio in any town is always on top of this issue: “They take up space that cars could use. They get in the way. Cyclists wear funny clothes. And they don't pay for that space. That's what Communists did. So give all that space to cars and keep bikes off the roads, on sidewalks or elsewhere. (And don't get me started on buses!!!!)”
You go, Republicans! Work on it. The rest of us are feeling left out.
Monday, August 16, 2010
The NEW IMPROVED U.S. Constitution!
It's been a long, hot summer, made hotter by all the people who don't understand the U.S. Constitution. So to avoid all this strife in future years, The New and Improved U.S. Constitution is now in force. It will guarantee an end to all these pointless discussions on things like religious freedom, torture, and same-sex marriage that just waste our time and keep us from taking our country back from those who have made it into a European, Muslim suburb.
So, coming soon to a courthouse and school near you is:
The New and Improved U.S. Constitution (YAY!!)
We the REAL Americans, in order to form a more perfect union (“Perfect Union” by definition outlaws labor, teachers', government employees', or same-sex unions under this new and improved constitution) establish justice for all REAL Americans, promote the welfare for those who truly DESERVE it (and can prove they deserve it by showing pay stubs, tax forms and a bona fide birth certificate), and secure the blessings of liberty for us, our kids and neighbors (who were born in the U.S. of A. of REAL America mothers, not some foreign woman here on vacation or here working illegally).
Section 1: Congress can only pass laws that meet common sense, which is a law that is no more than two pages in length and comprised of words no longer than six letters. That means: no Cap and Trade, no Health Insurance Reform, no Bank Reform, no Campaign Finance Reform, and no Helmet Laws!
Section 2: If any law passes that isn't common sensical and a REAL American (which by definition is someone born herein the U.S. of A. of a REAL American mother) doesn't like it, immediate elections will be held for all those who voted for it. If not enough bums are thrown out in said election, new representatives shall be appointed by a board of respected Tea Partiers who are appointed to one year terms annually at the annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention.
Section 3: Taxes can only be cut, never increased.
Section 4: Corporations are people, too, and have one vote per each million dollars in profits.
Section 5: Only REAL Americans can run for president. No Kenyan can be president. If one is elected accidentally, a new election will be immediately held with all Kenyans removed from the ballot.
Section 6: The judicial branch shall consist of non-activist judges who have displayed in their writings and lives a keen interest and understanding in taking the country back from those who have made it unrecognizable. Judges with more than six children shall be given preference in appointments and salaries.
Section 7: Praying loudly is allowed in schools.
Section 8: Evolution and sex education aren't.
Section 9: In the interests of maintaining a well-regulated and well-prepared militia, everyone will be required to own three guns and two boxes of ammo for each.
Section 10: Only those born in the U.S. of REAL Americans can be citizens. All others will need to go to the closest immigration office and apply and learn all about how great we are.
Section 11: Tofurkey cannot be served on Thanksgiving, Christmas or Indepence Day but it can be served on lesser holidays.
Section 12: This document can be changed only at the annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention and only by a majority vote. The Annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention will be held each year on the weekend after Independence Day and lots of fireworks will be lit.
So, coming soon to a courthouse and school near you is:
We the REAL Americans, in order to form a more perfect union (“Perfect Union” by definition outlaws labor, teachers', government employees', or same-sex unions under this new and improved constitution) establish justice for all REAL Americans, promote the welfare for those who truly DESERVE it (and can prove they deserve it by showing pay stubs, tax forms and a bona fide birth certificate), and secure the blessings of liberty for us, our kids and neighbors (who were born in the U.S. of A. of REAL America mothers, not some foreign woman here on vacation or here working illegally).
Section 1: Congress can only pass laws that meet common sense, which is a law that is no more than two pages in length and comprised of words no longer than six letters. That means: no Cap and Trade, no Health Insurance Reform, no Bank Reform, no Campaign Finance Reform, and no Helmet Laws!
Section 2: If any law passes that isn't common sensical and a REAL American (which by definition is someone born herein the U.S. of A. of a REAL American mother) doesn't like it, immediate elections will be held for all those who voted for it. If not enough bums are thrown out in said election, new representatives shall be appointed by a board of respected Tea Partiers who are appointed to one year terms annually at the annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention.
Section 3: Taxes can only be cut, never increased.
Section 4: Corporations are people, too, and have one vote per each million dollars in profits.
Section 5: Only REAL Americans can run for president. No Kenyan can be president. If one is elected accidentally, a new election will be immediately held with all Kenyans removed from the ballot.
Section 6: The judicial branch shall consist of non-activist judges who have displayed in their writings and lives a keen interest and understanding in taking the country back from those who have made it unrecognizable. Judges with more than six children shall be given preference in appointments and salaries.
Section 7: Praying loudly is allowed in schools.
Section 8: Evolution and sex education aren't.
Section 9: In the interests of maintaining a well-regulated and well-prepared militia, everyone will be required to own three guns and two boxes of ammo for each.
Section 10: Only those born in the U.S. of REAL Americans can be citizens. All others will need to go to the closest immigration office and apply and learn all about how great we are.
Section 11: Tofurkey cannot be served on Thanksgiving, Christmas or Indepence Day but it can be served on lesser holidays.
Section 12: This document can be changed only at the annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention and only by a majority vote. The Annual Tea Party and Constitutional Convention will be held each year on the weekend after Independence Day and lots of fireworks will be lit.
Monday, May 24, 2010
GUNS GOD AND BOOZE: what's the problem?
We found this in a local Tea Party newsletter. We reprint it here without any comment.
Hi everyone. Just wanted to shoot off (ha ha) a few rounds here to update you on what we're dong to bring freedom, guns and god to everyone, even those who say they don't want them.
ROUND ONE: We've told you last time about our new gun-giveaway program for schools; they give away condoms in schools, so why not guns? We liked the idea, because, well, guns are safe when used right, and condoms when used right are sinful and disgusting. Well, that one didn't go over so good, thanks to the usual secular socialist liberals who hate our freedoms and thought maybe it would be a better idea if we just donated some computers to the schools.
And then there was the guns-for-babies program that really excited us, where every legally married couple would get a nice pink little gun, the kind that gals love and want to carry with them to protect them when they are walking alone at night. But, again, commie socialist atheist pinkos said this was extremely politically incorrect and maybe it would be better if we just gave every couple a nice gift certificate to Baby Gap instead.
This just shows how hard it can be to be a good patriotic citizen. Our liberties are being taken from us and nobody seems to care and every time we come up with something to make things better, the PC police show up and tell us to go back to the drawing board and come up with something else. Idiots, all of them!
ROUND TWO: And what are our liberal commie activist judges doing? Well, they are hard to work giving every jihadist Tom Dick and Hussein their Miranda rights, a lawyer and probably a map to all our nuclear generators. And they force the rest of us real Americans to buy health insurance or pay big fines! When they kill your granny, they are going to send you the bill?
ROUND THREE: If God didn't want us to shoot each other, he would not have made some of us such good shots. God doesn't want you to waste what he gives you. He gives it to you for a reason. So he made some of us expert marksmen so the herd can be culled to celebrate his glory.
What that means is: those who can, do. Those who can't, well, they miss the target and then everyone sees that they are no good at much of anything. Then no one wants to marry them and have kids with them. So they get depressed and feel sorry for themselves. Then go do something dumb like vote for Democrats and Commies. It happens all the time.
But here's the good news: their chances of having kids and passing those anti-gun genes on to the next generation are next to nothing. I figure that in a couple more generations, all those genes will be gone and we'll have guns everywhere, even in pre-schoolers' backpacks. I just wish I could be there to see it!
ROUND FOUR: God likes guns and he wants all of us to own a few and carry them wherever we go.
We know this because up where they found Noah's Ark up there in Turkey, they found some other important things. (There haven't been too many reports about this because of the atheists who run the media in our country.) What they left out, because it scares them: there was a draft of the 10 Commandments that mentioned guns up there! Of course, there were no guns way back then then, which makes you wonder why this was in the 10 Commandments and if it is real. But think of it this way: God likes guns so much that he was dropping hints way back then about them so that when they were around, we would know they came from God, just like freedom.
In fact, guns are freedom. They are a part of liberty and freedom and justice that God wanted us to have. That's why this commandment almost ended up as one of the 10. It read: “Thou shalt not have any trigger locks or any other impediments on thy guns, lest the intruders who fall upon your house and home in the darkness have time to draw upon thee and harm thee and thine before thou can gettest thy gun and shoot the aforesaid perpetrators of thuggery.” It's kind of a long commandment, too, so it's probably better that it was left out. But, still, doesn't that mean that government should keep its hands off our guns?
It just goes to show you, God really likes guns.
PAYOFF ROUND: What's wrong with carrying guns into bars? I know, I know, it's a touchy-feely thing with the above mentioned commies and liberals that real Americans can't handle guns when we've had a few. Well, I just want to say that I have been shooting guns my whole life, and I've been drinking my whole life, too. And I have all my toes, fingers, ears, legs, arms, etc., except for one thumb, but that was a gun-cleaning accident, not a booze and guns accident. And I have all my family members, except for my favorite dog that ran off into the woods where we were shooting at shadows and, well, maybe that old hound was one of the shadows. But we know we aren't angels. We like our booze and we like our guns. And we like the two of them together even more.
That's it for now. I gotta go reload and I'll shoot off a few more rounds when I'm ready.
Hi everyone. Just wanted to shoot off (ha ha) a few rounds here to update you on what we're dong to bring freedom, guns and god to everyone, even those who say they don't want them.
ROUND ONE: We've told you last time about our new gun-giveaway program for schools; they give away condoms in schools, so why not guns? We liked the idea, because, well, guns are safe when used right, and condoms when used right are sinful and disgusting. Well, that one didn't go over so good, thanks to the usual secular socialist liberals who hate our freedoms and thought maybe it would be a better idea if we just donated some computers to the schools.
And then there was the guns-for-babies program that really excited us, where every legally married couple would get a nice pink little gun, the kind that gals love and want to carry with them to protect them when they are walking alone at night. But, again, commie socialist atheist pinkos said this was extremely politically incorrect and maybe it would be better if we just gave every couple a nice gift certificate to Baby Gap instead.
This just shows how hard it can be to be a good patriotic citizen. Our liberties are being taken from us and nobody seems to care and every time we come up with something to make things better, the PC police show up and tell us to go back to the drawing board and come up with something else. Idiots, all of them!
ROUND TWO: And what are our liberal commie activist judges doing? Well, they are hard to work giving every jihadist Tom Dick and Hussein their Miranda rights, a lawyer and probably a map to all our nuclear generators. And they force the rest of us real Americans to buy health insurance or pay big fines! When they kill your granny, they are going to send you the bill?
ROUND THREE: If God didn't want us to shoot each other, he would not have made some of us such good shots. God doesn't want you to waste what he gives you. He gives it to you for a reason. So he made some of us expert marksmen so the herd can be culled to celebrate his glory.
What that means is: those who can, do. Those who can't, well, they miss the target and then everyone sees that they are no good at much of anything. Then no one wants to marry them and have kids with them. So they get depressed and feel sorry for themselves. Then go do something dumb like vote for Democrats and Commies. It happens all the time.
But here's the good news: their chances of having kids and passing those anti-gun genes on to the next generation are next to nothing. I figure that in a couple more generations, all those genes will be gone and we'll have guns everywhere, even in pre-schoolers' backpacks. I just wish I could be there to see it!
ROUND FOUR: God likes guns and he wants all of us to own a few and carry them wherever we go.
We know this because up where they found Noah's Ark up there in Turkey, they found some other important things. (There haven't been too many reports about this because of the atheists who run the media in our country.) What they left out, because it scares them: there was a draft of the 10 Commandments that mentioned guns up there! Of course, there were no guns way back then then, which makes you wonder why this was in the 10 Commandments and if it is real. But think of it this way: God likes guns so much that he was dropping hints way back then about them so that when they were around, we would know they came from God, just like freedom.
In fact, guns are freedom. They are a part of liberty and freedom and justice that God wanted us to have. That's why this commandment almost ended up as one of the 10. It read: “Thou shalt not have any trigger locks or any other impediments on thy guns, lest the intruders who fall upon your house and home in the darkness have time to draw upon thee and harm thee and thine before thou can gettest thy gun and shoot the aforesaid perpetrators of thuggery.” It's kind of a long commandment, too, so it's probably better that it was left out. But, still, doesn't that mean that government should keep its hands off our guns?
It just goes to show you, God really likes guns.
PAYOFF ROUND: What's wrong with carrying guns into bars? I know, I know, it's a touchy-feely thing with the above mentioned commies and liberals that real Americans can't handle guns when we've had a few. Well, I just want to say that I have been shooting guns my whole life, and I've been drinking my whole life, too. And I have all my toes, fingers, ears, legs, arms, etc., except for one thumb, but that was a gun-cleaning accident, not a booze and guns accident. And I have all my family members, except for my favorite dog that ran off into the woods where we were shooting at shadows and, well, maybe that old hound was one of the shadows. But we know we aren't angels. We like our booze and we like our guns. And we like the two of them together even more.
That's it for now. I gotta go reload and I'll shoot off a few more rounds when I'm ready.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Are You Smarter Than A Texas 5th Grader?
The Texas 5th grader is the new standard of excellence in Homeland edication now that the Texas Board of Edication has rewritten the curriculum for Texas schools.
Gone are historical figures like Thomas Jefferson. (He apparently irritated Texans by coining the phrase “separation of church and state” so they dumped him.) Instead of larnin' about him, they will larn about other historical figures like Phyllis Schlafly (huh?). And the National Rifle Association. Also out of the curriculum: the word “capitalism.” It's being replaced in Texas with the term “free enterprise system” in all the textbooks. (So take that, all you capitalist pigs out there! Even Texas hates you!)
And, by the way, the Homeland is a Christian nation. And Sen. Joe McCarthy was right; the U.S. Government was filled with Commies and he would've rooted them all out and sent them to Kingdom Come, except that liberals and atheists and all the usual suspects who hate America stopped him. That's what they'll be larnin' down in Texas school houses in the 21st century.
Unfortunately, since Texas purchases so many textbooks, textbook publishers ship the same textbooks with the same larnin' to other states. So we'll all be larnin' that personal responsibility is the only surefire way not to get pregnant. (But you already knew, didn't you? And that condoms can explode for no reason at all?)
So, are you smarter than a Texas 5th grader? Take the following quiz, which is based on our understanding of these new and important curriculum standards, and find out.
(Answers are either True or False and are provided at the bottom of the page.)
SCIENCE
Adam and Eve had a pet dinosaur named Princess.
Men who are weak and effeminate had moms who were feminists.
Abstinence education works because the horrors of sex before marriage are fully explained.
The world is too big to run out of oil.
GUNS
Nowhere in the Second Amendment does the term “Separation of Church and State” appear
The right to bear arms is why the Homeland is the greatest place ever in the world.
The Second Amendment was originally the First Amendment, but the liberal media and Hollywood didn't want guns to come before free speech or the right of assembly because they hate America.
HISTORY
We lost in Vietnam because women in the 60s were all feminists who would only date men who got in touch with their feelings.
Men in touch with their feelings can't shoot straight.
Sen. Joe McCarthy was destroyed by a cabal of liberals and secular humanists who hate America.
The Homeland's founding fathers didn't want a government that taxed their Big Macs, soft drinks or health care plans.
The 40s and 50s were great for the Homeland because everyone worked hard and those who didn't didn't eat.
The 60s was a sad time for the Homeland because God was kicked out of schools.
The answers are below. So are you smarter than a Texas 5th grader? If you aren't, don't worry. You can study, work hard and apply yourself. (Which you should be doing anyway.)
By the way, if you are at work or school reading this, that's why you're not smarter than a Texas 5th grader (and may never be). They're not reading this. They probably don't have computers in Texas, either. They're all at home or school, reading the Bible and larnin' all about science. Then they'll graduate and get your job. Then they'll be your boss. Then they'll fire you for being so ignorant. And then they'll be everywhere!
(Uh oh. we're in trouble, too. Quick, help us out here . . . what's the answer to the first question again?)
Answers: all true.
Gone are historical figures like Thomas Jefferson. (He apparently irritated Texans by coining the phrase “separation of church and state” so they dumped him.) Instead of larnin' about him, they will larn about other historical figures like Phyllis Schlafly (huh?). And the National Rifle Association. Also out of the curriculum: the word “capitalism.” It's being replaced in Texas with the term “free enterprise system” in all the textbooks. (So take that, all you capitalist pigs out there! Even Texas hates you!)
And, by the way, the Homeland is a Christian nation. And Sen. Joe McCarthy was right; the U.S. Government was filled with Commies and he would've rooted them all out and sent them to Kingdom Come, except that liberals and atheists and all the usual suspects who hate America stopped him. That's what they'll be larnin' down in Texas school houses in the 21st century.
Unfortunately, since Texas purchases so many textbooks, textbook publishers ship the same textbooks with the same larnin' to other states. So we'll all be larnin' that personal responsibility is the only surefire way not to get pregnant. (But you already knew, didn't you? And that condoms can explode for no reason at all?)
So, are you smarter than a Texas 5th grader? Take the following quiz, which is based on our understanding of these new and important curriculum standards, and find out.
(Answers are either True or False and are provided at the bottom of the page.)
Adam and Eve had a pet dinosaur named Princess.
Men who are weak and effeminate had moms who were feminists.
Abstinence education works because the horrors of sex before marriage are fully explained.
The world is too big to run out of oil.
Nowhere in the Second Amendment does the term “Separation of Church and State” appear
The right to bear arms is why the Homeland is the greatest place ever in the world.
The Second Amendment was originally the First Amendment, but the liberal media and Hollywood didn't want guns to come before free speech or the right of assembly because they hate America.
We lost in Vietnam because women in the 60s were all feminists who would only date men who got in touch with their feelings.
Men in touch with their feelings can't shoot straight.
Sen. Joe McCarthy was destroyed by a cabal of liberals and secular humanists who hate America.
The Homeland's founding fathers didn't want a government that taxed their Big Macs, soft drinks or health care plans.
The 40s and 50s were great for the Homeland because everyone worked hard and those who didn't didn't eat.
The 60s was a sad time for the Homeland because God was kicked out of schools.
The answers are below. So are you smarter than a Texas 5th grader? If you aren't, don't worry. You can study, work hard and apply yourself. (Which you should be doing anyway.)
By the way, if you are at work or school reading this, that's why you're not smarter than a Texas 5th grader (and may never be). They're not reading this. They probably don't have computers in Texas, either. They're all at home or school, reading the Bible and larnin' all about science. Then they'll graduate and get your job. Then they'll be your boss. Then they'll fire you for being so ignorant. And then they'll be everywhere!
(Uh oh. we're in trouble, too. Quick, help us out here . . . what's the answer to the first question again?)
Answers: all true.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Decent news for Decent folks! Glen Beck wins Rapture rights!
It's now official: God hates the liberal media, churches that do social justice, progressives, Obama, gays, lesbians, and New York City, LA, San Francisco, Europe, Africa, and much of South and Central America.
We know this now because Beck just won the right to broadcast the Rapture.
In a surprise to everyone (except the decent folk everywhere who listen to Beck all day long and were praying for this), Beck now has exclusive rights to the Rapture, including the name, book rights, movie rights, and product tie-ins. No one else can even use the word Rapture without saying “The Rapture Brought To You By Glen Beck.”
"We went after this because we know Beck is a decent, upright, liberal-bashing, true believer, as are his fans, and the other networks aren't," a Beck spokesman said. "We want decency to return to the Homeland and to televisions everywhere. That's why Beck is the one to broadcast the Rapture. Who wants Anderson Cooper or Keith Olbermann to broadcast it? Maybe a secular humanist pinko Homeland hating college professor!"
One problem that has not been ironed out, however, is who would be around to watch a telecast of The Rapture Brought To You By Glen Beck if this event occurs and the world truly ends then. Or who would want to read the books, watch the movies, or buy T-shirts and coffee cups with pictures of Glen Beck on them with a background of The Apocalypse?
Despite that problem, however, Beck producers are very upbeat, as are Fox stockholders. Fox stock went up 50 percent on news of this once-in-a-lifetime telecast.
"We are proud to show this event because we expect it to surpass the combined popularity of the Super Bowl, World Series, Masters Golf Tournament, and Florida 2000 vote count," Beck said. "Viewers should be extremely excited about this. Nothing like this has ever been on TV before. Not even The O'Reilly Factor, as important as that show is, could hope to be this big."
Exactly when this will be on TV is uncertain. Whether this deal is legal is another stumbling block. Regardless of that, however, Fox wants to broadcast at least one more run of American Idol, so if The Rapture comes a little earlier than expected, the the Rapture Brought To You By Glen Beck will not be seen live.
We know this now because Beck just won the right to broadcast the Rapture.
In a surprise to everyone (except the decent folk everywhere who listen to Beck all day long and were praying for this), Beck now has exclusive rights to the Rapture, including the name, book rights, movie rights, and product tie-ins. No one else can even use the word Rapture without saying “The Rapture Brought To You By Glen Beck.”
"We went after this because we know Beck is a decent, upright, liberal-bashing, true believer, as are his fans, and the other networks aren't," a Beck spokesman said. "We want decency to return to the Homeland and to televisions everywhere. That's why Beck is the one to broadcast the Rapture. Who wants Anderson Cooper or Keith Olbermann to broadcast it? Maybe a secular humanist pinko Homeland hating college professor!"
One problem that has not been ironed out, however, is who would be around to watch a telecast of The Rapture Brought To You By Glen Beck if this event occurs and the world truly ends then. Or who would want to read the books, watch the movies, or buy T-shirts and coffee cups with pictures of Glen Beck on them with a background of The Apocalypse?
Despite that problem, however, Beck producers are very upbeat, as are Fox stockholders. Fox stock went up 50 percent on news of this once-in-a-lifetime telecast.
"We are proud to show this event because we expect it to surpass the combined popularity of the Super Bowl, World Series, Masters Golf Tournament, and Florida 2000 vote count," Beck said. "Viewers should be extremely excited about this. Nothing like this has ever been on TV before. Not even The O'Reilly Factor, as important as that show is, could hope to be this big."
Exactly when this will be on TV is uncertain. Whether this deal is legal is another stumbling block. Regardless of that, however, Fox wants to broadcast at least one more run of American Idol, so if The Rapture comes a little earlier than expected, the the Rapture Brought To You By Glen Beck will not be seen live.
Ask The HMO Accountant
With health care reform on the ropes and everyone sick to death of hearing about it, we decided to once again open our doors to those who need medical help. The clinic is open and the HMO Accountant is in to help you with your medical problems. Remember: this might be the best medical care available to any of us in the very near future future.
Dear HMO Accountant,
I slipped on some ice and ended up buried in a snow drift for three hours before someone walking their dog saw me. If it hadn't been for them, I might have died! As it is, I suffered severe frost bite and am just lucky that nothing had to be amputated. Anyway, you denied my claim and I don't get it. I got hurt, went to the ER and got healthy. Why won't you pay?
Sincerely, Freezing in Fargo
Dear Freezing in Fargo,
It's very important that we work hard to keep the health insurance industry healthy and vibrant so that it will be there when people need it. That means we have to turn down many claims that just don't pass the smell test. In your case, if you stop and think about this, slipping on ice is kind of a pre-existing condition. People in Southern California, for instance, don't slip on ice, whereas people in Fargo tend to. That makes slipping on ice a pre-existing condition that you have. So for us to pay for that pre-existing condition would put us on a slippery slope to financial ruin. Profits would drop. Our stocks would tank. And we'd have to cut the salary of the CEO, which, of course, he won't allow us to do. So, you should probably move to Southern California, where, if you do happen to slip on ice, we'll cover it. But, of course, if you are down there and get bit by a snake, well, that's a pre-existing condition down there, because that probably wouldn't happen in, say, Alaska. It's all in that new booklet we just sent out a couple days ago. Did you get a chance to read it over? Take a look at it, and good luck! Stay healthy!
Dear HMO Accountant,
This health care reform debate is driving me nuts. I've got a nervous twitch in my neck that throws my head back and makes me grit my teeth, which not only hurts a lot but makes it really hard for me to get dates. I look like I'm about to assault someone. On top of that, I'm always angry. I eat and drink too much and am getting really fat. And my digestion is terrible – I keep passing gas and that also makes it really hard to get a date. Why don't you all just get behind reform and let's get on with everything and I'll be healthy and fun to be with again. And maybe someone will date me. I'm really kind of nice and smart. And I want to have kids, hopefully before health insurance stops covering child birth. Please.
Sincerely, Lonely in Louisville,
Dear Lonely in Louisville
Maybe it's a good thing you have these problems. Has that occurred to you? Because if you have good health care, there are devious, manipulative people out there who will date you and then marry you for your health insurance. And is that the kind of relationship you want? I bet not. What will happen to that relationship if you lose your insurance? Or if we deny them coverage for something? Well, they'll blame you, and there you go. So you're actually better off with a nervous twitch, staying home and eating and drinking too much than getting into a relationship like that. Believe me. I've been there. So every time I get a letter like yours, I say: Stick with your own kind. Ask to see someone's health insurance card before you go out and buy them dinner. Ask what if covers. And even if they have health insurance, is it as good as yours? Probably not, because we pride ourselves on satisfying our customers. So stay home. Don't watch the news and you'll be better off. And so will we, because you won't meet someone that you marry who we have to provide coverage for. That's a win-win. So good luck. Stay happy. Stay healthy.
Death HMO Accountant,
Can I make an appointment to see a shrink? I have terrible headaches and am nervous all the time and sometimes hear voices telling me to eat Big Macs until I throw up. I think I really need to talk to someone. Will you cover this?
Sincerely, Tired of burgers in Buffalo
Dear Tired of Burgers in Buffalo,
If you go the shrink route, you might get better for a little while, but you'd soon run up against the lifetime limit on your policy. So we don't think you should do that, although you could. Instead, what has worked for others with similar problems, is for you to just talk back to those voices. If you think that would embarrass you, put a cell phone to your ear when you hear them and talk into it. Loudly. No one will suspect anything, and you'd be empowering yourself at no cost to us. That way, we will always be there for you and others when you need us.
Goodluck! Stay healthy! We're all in this together, so let's all row in the same direction!!
Dear HMO Accountant,
I slipped on some ice and ended up buried in a snow drift for three hours before someone walking their dog saw me. If it hadn't been for them, I might have died! As it is, I suffered severe frost bite and am just lucky that nothing had to be amputated. Anyway, you denied my claim and I don't get it. I got hurt, went to the ER and got healthy. Why won't you pay?
Sincerely, Freezing in Fargo
Dear Freezing in Fargo,
It's very important that we work hard to keep the health insurance industry healthy and vibrant so that it will be there when people need it. That means we have to turn down many claims that just don't pass the smell test. In your case, if you stop and think about this, slipping on ice is kind of a pre-existing condition. People in Southern California, for instance, don't slip on ice, whereas people in Fargo tend to. That makes slipping on ice a pre-existing condition that you have. So for us to pay for that pre-existing condition would put us on a slippery slope to financial ruin. Profits would drop. Our stocks would tank. And we'd have to cut the salary of the CEO, which, of course, he won't allow us to do. So, you should probably move to Southern California, where, if you do happen to slip on ice, we'll cover it. But, of course, if you are down there and get bit by a snake, well, that's a pre-existing condition down there, because that probably wouldn't happen in, say, Alaska. It's all in that new booklet we just sent out a couple days ago. Did you get a chance to read it over? Take a look at it, and good luck! Stay healthy!
Dear HMO Accountant,
This health care reform debate is driving me nuts. I've got a nervous twitch in my neck that throws my head back and makes me grit my teeth, which not only hurts a lot but makes it really hard for me to get dates. I look like I'm about to assault someone. On top of that, I'm always angry. I eat and drink too much and am getting really fat. And my digestion is terrible – I keep passing gas and that also makes it really hard to get a date. Why don't you all just get behind reform and let's get on with everything and I'll be healthy and fun to be with again. And maybe someone will date me. I'm really kind of nice and smart. And I want to have kids, hopefully before health insurance stops covering child birth. Please.
Sincerely, Lonely in Louisville,
Dear Lonely in Louisville
Maybe it's a good thing you have these problems. Has that occurred to you? Because if you have good health care, there are devious, manipulative people out there who will date you and then marry you for your health insurance. And is that the kind of relationship you want? I bet not. What will happen to that relationship if you lose your insurance? Or if we deny them coverage for something? Well, they'll blame you, and there you go. So you're actually better off with a nervous twitch, staying home and eating and drinking too much than getting into a relationship like that. Believe me. I've been there. So every time I get a letter like yours, I say: Stick with your own kind. Ask to see someone's health insurance card before you go out and buy them dinner. Ask what if covers. And even if they have health insurance, is it as good as yours? Probably not, because we pride ourselves on satisfying our customers. So stay home. Don't watch the news and you'll be better off. And so will we, because you won't meet someone that you marry who we have to provide coverage for. That's a win-win. So good luck. Stay happy. Stay healthy.
Death HMO Accountant,
Can I make an appointment to see a shrink? I have terrible headaches and am nervous all the time and sometimes hear voices telling me to eat Big Macs until I throw up. I think I really need to talk to someone. Will you cover this?
Sincerely, Tired of burgers in Buffalo
Dear Tired of Burgers in Buffalo,
If you go the shrink route, you might get better for a little while, but you'd soon run up against the lifetime limit on your policy. So we don't think you should do that, although you could. Instead, what has worked for others with similar problems, is for you to just talk back to those voices. If you think that would embarrass you, put a cell phone to your ear when you hear them and talk into it. Loudly. No one will suspect anything, and you'd be empowering yourself at no cost to us. That way, we will always be there for you and others when you need us.
Goodluck! Stay healthy! We're all in this together, so let's all row in the same direction!!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Milestones in curling
During the 2010 Winter Olympics in Canada, you couldn't throw a broom without hitting a television channel beaming curling into every living room in the world. What was that about? Since when did pushing a disk with a handle down a sheet of ice with two guys or gals with brooms helping it along qualify as must-see TV? Never mind the questions of how it qualifies as an Olympic sport.
For people who don't know the first or last thing about curling but who watched anyway, we asked someone who would know. Sore Bender. Sore, sidelined by a curling injury and now retired, was a seasoned 30-year veteran of the curling circuit. After his final end, he was instrumental in getting the funding for the first (and only) Museum of Curling and Its History, where he is curator and occasional lecturer on the sport.
Q. Mr. Bender, we don't want to say all – but for most people curling is big mystery. Can you give a brief history of the sport? I think most people would wonder how anyone in their right mind would think a rock and a couple of brooms might mean a fun time.
A. Well, you're not far from the truth when you put it like that. He wasn't in his right mind, the guy that thought it up. Curling started in the north where the winters never ended it seemed. And there was no television and people got bored and depressed and stir-crazy and sometimes downright murderous and drunk at the same time. The first rock that led to curling was thrown in a rage, outdoors on a really cold night. One guy throwing a rock at another guy, a guy so fed up that he just picked up a rock and threw at the first guy that came along. And he felt better.
Q. You mean the guy that threw it felt better.
A. Well, yeah. The other guy who didn't. He fell down and he slid on the ice and he didn't get up. And that was that. But it started kind of a bad trend and all these crazy cooped-up men would come out of bars at closing time, grab rocks and start throwing them at each other because the first guy felt so good after he did it. And they did feel good, but they had to tone it down because too many guys weren't getting up after they got hit. And they toned it down by drawing a bullseye in the middle of a lake and started aiming at that instead and then you know when you get a bunch of guys together, there's going to be some “I throw it better than you,” or I can hit the bullseye in three tries.” And some betting. And then there were teams and the rest is history.
Q. What about the brooms? Were they used to sweep up the bodies that didn't get up?
A. Yeah, I get the joke. No. There were no brooms at first. But, see, after a game, some teams were so sore – there was a lot of drinking so that didn't help – they threw there beer bottles or whiskey bottles or what have you right at each other and there was broken glass and somebody had to sweep it up before the next game. And, course, before you knew it, someone figured out that made the ice slicker when they threw the rock – well, you take it from there. And then the sweeping helped them stay warm, too, because it was so damn cold when they were out rock-throwing.
Q. There are two schools of thought on sweeping: The “Yes, Sweeping Makes a Huge Difference” school, and the “No, Sweeping Is Stupid” school. Curlers generally fall into the first school, while everyone else in the world falls into the second. What about you?
A. I don't know. You'd look pretty stupid just walking the rock down to the bullseye and not doing anything to help it. You might as well be walking along and having a chat or a drink with your team mates.
Q. What is a skip?
A. There was a guy named Skip. Skip Rollie. Skip Rollie was the first player to make the nearly impossible Triple Strike Crossover Block Roll Switch. It scored seven points on one stone. When he did this, he and his teammates jumped up and down because they just beaten Canada for the very first time. They jumped so hard, they wen right through the ice. Everybody survived OK, except Skip, who got bad frostbite and it just went from there until he couldn't grip the stone or a broom and he just went off and died the way a dog goes off when he knows there's no use anymore.
Q. That's sad.
A. Course it was. But good things came of it. They moved curling off the lakes and into the indoors where you have bathrooms and a place to get drinks and it's a place the whole family might want to go after church on Sunday. And Skip got honored, too, because the head of every team is named after him.
Q. Does curling use coaches? Who are those middle-aged guys that come down to the curling sheet once in awhile and talk to the players? Is he talking strategy?
A. Sort of. He's someone who heads up things and gives advice. I guess you could call him the coach. Usually, he just comes down and tells us a joke or takes our drink orders. But he really doesn't know anything more than we do. He's kind of an honorary barkeep coach. A guy who can listen to your problems, pick up your spirits.
Q. I don't know anyone who knows the rules of curling. Is that because they are so difficult?
A. Well, it used to be they made them up as they went along, just to keep things relaxed since, remember, this was something to do blow off steam instead of throwing a bottle or shooting off your gun. But now there are two rules: get it down there and hit the other guy's rock while you're getting it down there. Nothing fancy.
Q. Are curlers like other athletes? Do they have to train? Is there a diet regimen?
A. No, that's how we're better than most athletes. Training is almost like cheating to a curler, almost like taking those steroid drugs. If you can't get yourself up and curl anytime, anywhere, no matter what shape you're in, there's something wrong with you. We don't take vitamins and we eat whatever we want. Most curlers like a big pot roast before a big game and they like to have a drink before they get on the ice. There's no rules about drinking during the game either. But it's not a good idea because you can get wild with the stone or your broom and, more likely than not, someone gets hurt.
Q. Have there been a lot of curling accidents?
A. Not that many. Like I said, people tend to keep their drinking to before and after the games. There are some wrist injuries from over-sweeping, or sweeping the wrong way. Mostly the injuries come from bus accidents. Bus sliding off the road on our way to a game. Bus tipping over. Bus rolling into a lake. Bus jumping lane into incoming traffic. Bus spinning out and hitting a billboard. That kind of thing. We always used to worry about our away games. Icy roads are a problem for curling teams.
Q. Are you married?
A. I was, but curling kind of got in the way. You gotta be married to curler if you're a curler. It's too hard to explain to someone who doesn't curl. She thought it was a joke. She used to hide my broom when she was mad. And you meet women on the road.
Q. You mean, like curling groupies?
A. There were some. A guy with his own broom and who knows how to use it attracts a lot of women.
Q. So, there are star curlers just like there are star football players and soccer players?
A. Why not?
Q. Now that you are retired, do you miss it?
A. The women? Nah, not that much. And I was getting clumsy. I got bifocals and those lenses - you see double – and I dropped a stone on my foot about ten years ago and it never really healed up. And, of course, when you get older, you don't like being on ice so much. You're already cold all the time. And I've got the museum to keep up.
Q. What can people see if they go to the Curling Museum?
A. Well, it's pretty small, but it's good. There's trophies and different curling rocks and brooms and their history. There are wax figures of famous curlers they might recognize. Big charts showing the important dates in curling history and descriptions of curling milestones. Like the Brawl of '37 and how that changed curling. And there are oral histories, stories told by the old-timers, that you can listen to.
Q. Well, thanks, Sore Bender. I'm just relieved I didn't make one crack about shuffleboard.
A. You're welcome. Me, too.
For people who don't know the first or last thing about curling but who watched anyway, we asked someone who would know. Sore Bender. Sore, sidelined by a curling injury and now retired, was a seasoned 30-year veteran of the curling circuit. After his final end, he was instrumental in getting the funding for the first (and only) Museum of Curling and Its History, where he is curator and occasional lecturer on the sport.
Q. Mr. Bender, we don't want to say all – but for most people curling is big mystery. Can you give a brief history of the sport? I think most people would wonder how anyone in their right mind would think a rock and a couple of brooms might mean a fun time.
A. Well, you're not far from the truth when you put it like that. He wasn't in his right mind, the guy that thought it up. Curling started in the north where the winters never ended it seemed. And there was no television and people got bored and depressed and stir-crazy and sometimes downright murderous and drunk at the same time. The first rock that led to curling was thrown in a rage, outdoors on a really cold night. One guy throwing a rock at another guy, a guy so fed up that he just picked up a rock and threw at the first guy that came along. And he felt better.
Q. You mean the guy that threw it felt better.
A. Well, yeah. The other guy who didn't. He fell down and he slid on the ice and he didn't get up. And that was that. But it started kind of a bad trend and all these crazy cooped-up men would come out of bars at closing time, grab rocks and start throwing them at each other because the first guy felt so good after he did it. And they did feel good, but they had to tone it down because too many guys weren't getting up after they got hit. And they toned it down by drawing a bullseye in the middle of a lake and started aiming at that instead and then you know when you get a bunch of guys together, there's going to be some “I throw it better than you,” or I can hit the bullseye in three tries.” And some betting. And then there were teams and the rest is history.
Q. What about the brooms? Were they used to sweep up the bodies that didn't get up?
A. Yeah, I get the joke. No. There were no brooms at first. But, see, after a game, some teams were so sore – there was a lot of drinking so that didn't help – they threw there beer bottles or whiskey bottles or what have you right at each other and there was broken glass and somebody had to sweep it up before the next game. And, course, before you knew it, someone figured out that made the ice slicker when they threw the rock – well, you take it from there. And then the sweeping helped them stay warm, too, because it was so damn cold when they were out rock-throwing.
Q. There are two schools of thought on sweeping: The “Yes, Sweeping Makes a Huge Difference” school, and the “No, Sweeping Is Stupid” school. Curlers generally fall into the first school, while everyone else in the world falls into the second. What about you?
A. I don't know. You'd look pretty stupid just walking the rock down to the bullseye and not doing anything to help it. You might as well be walking along and having a chat or a drink with your team mates.
Q. What is a skip?
A. There was a guy named Skip. Skip Rollie. Skip Rollie was the first player to make the nearly impossible Triple Strike Crossover Block Roll Switch. It scored seven points on one stone. When he did this, he and his teammates jumped up and down because they just beaten Canada for the very first time. They jumped so hard, they wen right through the ice. Everybody survived OK, except Skip, who got bad frostbite and it just went from there until he couldn't grip the stone or a broom and he just went off and died the way a dog goes off when he knows there's no use anymore.
Q. That's sad.
A. Course it was. But good things came of it. They moved curling off the lakes and into the indoors where you have bathrooms and a place to get drinks and it's a place the whole family might want to go after church on Sunday. And Skip got honored, too, because the head of every team is named after him.
Q. Does curling use coaches? Who are those middle-aged guys that come down to the curling sheet once in awhile and talk to the players? Is he talking strategy?
A. Sort of. He's someone who heads up things and gives advice. I guess you could call him the coach. Usually, he just comes down and tells us a joke or takes our drink orders. But he really doesn't know anything more than we do. He's kind of an honorary barkeep coach. A guy who can listen to your problems, pick up your spirits.
Q. I don't know anyone who knows the rules of curling. Is that because they are so difficult?
A. Well, it used to be they made them up as they went along, just to keep things relaxed since, remember, this was something to do blow off steam instead of throwing a bottle or shooting off your gun. But now there are two rules: get it down there and hit the other guy's rock while you're getting it down there. Nothing fancy.
Q. Are curlers like other athletes? Do they have to train? Is there a diet regimen?
A. No, that's how we're better than most athletes. Training is almost like cheating to a curler, almost like taking those steroid drugs. If you can't get yourself up and curl anytime, anywhere, no matter what shape you're in, there's something wrong with you. We don't take vitamins and we eat whatever we want. Most curlers like a big pot roast before a big game and they like to have a drink before they get on the ice. There's no rules about drinking during the game either. But it's not a good idea because you can get wild with the stone or your broom and, more likely than not, someone gets hurt.
Q. Have there been a lot of curling accidents?
A. Not that many. Like I said, people tend to keep their drinking to before and after the games. There are some wrist injuries from over-sweeping, or sweeping the wrong way. Mostly the injuries come from bus accidents. Bus sliding off the road on our way to a game. Bus tipping over. Bus rolling into a lake. Bus jumping lane into incoming traffic. Bus spinning out and hitting a billboard. That kind of thing. We always used to worry about our away games. Icy roads are a problem for curling teams.
Q. Are you married?
A. I was, but curling kind of got in the way. You gotta be married to curler if you're a curler. It's too hard to explain to someone who doesn't curl. She thought it was a joke. She used to hide my broom when she was mad. And you meet women on the road.
Q. You mean, like curling groupies?
A. There were some. A guy with his own broom and who knows how to use it attracts a lot of women.
Q. So, there are star curlers just like there are star football players and soccer players?
A. Why not?
Q. Now that you are retired, do you miss it?
A. The women? Nah, not that much. And I was getting clumsy. I got bifocals and those lenses - you see double – and I dropped a stone on my foot about ten years ago and it never really healed up. And, of course, when you get older, you don't like being on ice so much. You're already cold all the time. And I've got the museum to keep up.
Q. What can people see if they go to the Curling Museum?
A. Well, it's pretty small, but it's good. There's trophies and different curling rocks and brooms and their history. There are wax figures of famous curlers they might recognize. Big charts showing the important dates in curling history and descriptions of curling milestones. Like the Brawl of '37 and how that changed curling. And there are oral histories, stories told by the old-timers, that you can listen to.
Q. Well, thanks, Sore Bender. I'm just relieved I didn't make one crack about shuffleboard.
A. You're welcome. Me, too.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Ask the HMO Accountant
Good news, America! Health care reform is not dead!!!
The famed Group of Six, the six senators led by Sen. Baucus who delayed things so long that everyone thought nothing would be done, felt so bad about that that they came up with a plan everyone can get behind. It won't cost much or add to the deficit. Unemployed people can afford it. It's not complicated. And it will allow insurance companies to stay in business and do what they want to do: help people get well.
The plan is very simple: just Ask the HMO Accountant! It's cheap. It's effective. It's quick. And it's reform that is American, not French or Canadian or, even worse, French Canadian! Sign up today and you'll soon be asking yourself: Why didn't we think of this before?
The following shows you how it works.
Dear HMO Accountant,
I've lived a very healthy life but I can't get health insurance. The plans I called said I was a little nutty because I never drank or smoked, I exercise regularly and always go to bed early. I also eat only locally-produced organic foods. And I am slim and mentally sharp. All these plans said that means I'm just going to get depressed in a few years when I figure out that everyone dies eventually – even healthy people. Then they said that I will cost them lots of money because I have a pre-existing condition. This doesn't seem right. I've never been sick a day in my life. What kind of pre-existing condition are they talking about? Why can't a health person like me get a good insurance policy?
Sincerely, Uninsured in Utica
Dear Uninsured in Utica
You are more than a little nutty. Do you know what the essence of insurance is?Not nuttiness, that's for sure. The essence of insurance is rationality. And rationality means rationing. No one likes to use the world “ration” when discussing health care, but it's a good word. In fact, it's the root of the word “rational.” So to ration is actually very rational, which means that it makes perfect sense not to give you health insurance at this point. Maybe we can do it some day in the future, but only if we are convinced that your pre-existing condition -- that massive depression that is awaiting you if you continue being more than a little nutty – won't cost us money. Rationing now will mean lots more people can get help in the future, possibly. Including you. Call us again in a few years, and if you're still healthy and not down in the dumps, there might be enough resources left to get you covered without causing the whole system to collapse. In the meantime, relax, have a burger, watch some trashy TV, and lighten up.
Dear HMO Accountant,
I had a bad accident the other day. I was doing some post-surgical physical therapy at home because my health plan is really bad and won't pay for any rehab. So I did some research on the Internet and found a simple machine that could help me. I ordered it and put it together myself. But I'm not much of a handyman, so a heavy piece of metal fell off and hit me on the head. I went to the emergency room, but my health plan won't pay for that either. And now I hear nothing but ringing in my ears and my health plan doesn't cover ears. They say I was in essence practicing medicine without a license with my home therapy so they aren't going to pay, and that nothing warrants an emergency room visit except . . . well, they couldn't think of anything that warrants one. And ear coverage is only for really, really old people who only need to go the ear doctor one time so the doctor can tell them they are going deaf because they are old. This is nuts. What should I do? And what the hell am I paying these high rates for?
Sincerely, Ringing off in Reno
Dear Ringing Off In Reno,
We have the best health care in the history of the world, at least we think so. Occasionally, some will have to pay more, but that will help keep our system as great as it is. Isn't that a small price for you to pay? I think others will thank you someday for your sacrifice. And have you tried dropping that piece on your head again? I've read somewhere on the Internet that sometimes doing the same thing over can reverse some of the unwanted consequences of our actions. Try Googling that and good luck!
Dear HMO Accountant,
We just sit around the house all day. We don't see well or hear well. Our joints hurt. We're tired all the time. And none of our kids have offered to help us out around the house. In fact, they don't call or visit us at all anymore. We did what you suggested from the last time we contacted you. We got some exercise equipment, but unfortunately we can't read the directions because the print is so small. And we eat lots of oatmeal like you told us to, but sometimes we forget and leave the stove burner on and so there have been a couple of small fires. And we tried to cheer up like you suggested – that fact you told us about how it takes more muscles to frown than to smile was really interesting! But nothing helps. We're still tired and our joints still hurt and we still can't hear anything. What should we do?
Sincerely, Mom and Dad in Miami.
P.S. Will you be able to get home for mom's birthday?
Dear Mom and Dad in Miami,
It's really important for the elderly to continue with their walks and workouts (even if they can't see where they are going) or they will end up using way more than their share of our precious health resources. And if that happens, we have to raise the rates on all the seniors, even the ones who don't see doctors anymore either because they don't have the money to or they forgot where their doctor's office is. So please stay in shape and stay healthy. Which I am really tired of telling you. And I'm sorry I can't make mom's birthday. But I will be needed in Washington, where politicians are trying to gain popularity by attacking us. They want to take our business away from us, if you can believe that. If that happens, I'd have to move in with you guys and no one wants that less than I do. So, good luck! And happy birthday, mom!! And have you thought about not using the stove and just using the microwave? Maybe there would be less fires.
Dear HMO Accountant,
I called my health plan the other day just to ask a simple question and was put on hold for an hour listening to Celine Dion music! I got to the point where I thought I might kill myself if I had to be on hold any longer. When someone finally came on, I accidentally - in anger, but I think with justification - uttered a profanity. So they hung up on me. They stopped taking my calls. And then they terminated me! I was so desperate I bought a plane ticket and flew all the way to my insurance company's headquarters where some insurance honcho told to wait in the waiting room while they looked up my records. The music they pipe into the waiting room is Celine Dion! So, just as I was about to go postal (can a person go “insurance-al”, cause I almost did! - the insurance guy comes back out and says that I was terminated because I didn't list everything on my application that was wrong with me. As far as I know, there's nothing wrong with me. Except now I'm so anxious and stressed that I can't go to work and my wife thinks I am insane and is thinking about leaving me. Help me, please! Shouldn't I be able to get my insurance back?
Sincerely, Freaked out in Florida
Dear Freaked out in Florida,
I was able to find your application and the reason you were terminated was that you are getting older and you didn't specifically state that on your application. Having said that, I'm sure you will understand that we are trying to conduct a business here. Growing older is a pre-existing condition that must be stated clearly on your application. And before you say that's ridiculous, believe me we know it's ridiculous. But then, again, maybe not! We can't insure every single person in the whole world, can we? We couldn't stay in business if we did that. We had to figure out some way to turn down people and dump others. That way, we stay in business and help a few people, which is better than going out of business and helping no one at all! We do this by using a very complicated mathematical random quantitative forumula thingie which is too complicated to explain here. So now you have every reason to take care of your health because we certainly can't do it for you.
PS. I just wanted you to know that I made a few calls and we will be changing our hold and waiting room music to Kenny G. So know that all of your anxiety has turned into something good. Say hello to your wife! And good luck!
The famed Group of Six, the six senators led by Sen. Baucus who delayed things so long that everyone thought nothing would be done, felt so bad about that that they came up with a plan everyone can get behind. It won't cost much or add to the deficit. Unemployed people can afford it. It's not complicated. And it will allow insurance companies to stay in business and do what they want to do: help people get well.
The plan is very simple: just Ask the HMO Accountant! It's cheap. It's effective. It's quick. And it's reform that is American, not French or Canadian or, even worse, French Canadian! Sign up today and you'll soon be asking yourself: Why didn't we think of this before?
The following shows you how it works.
Dear HMO Accountant,
I've lived a very healthy life but I can't get health insurance. The plans I called said I was a little nutty because I never drank or smoked, I exercise regularly and always go to bed early. I also eat only locally-produced organic foods. And I am slim and mentally sharp. All these plans said that means I'm just going to get depressed in a few years when I figure out that everyone dies eventually – even healthy people. Then they said that I will cost them lots of money because I have a pre-existing condition. This doesn't seem right. I've never been sick a day in my life. What kind of pre-existing condition are they talking about? Why can't a health person like me get a good insurance policy?
Sincerely, Uninsured in Utica
Dear Uninsured in Utica
You are more than a little nutty. Do you know what the essence of insurance is?Not nuttiness, that's for sure. The essence of insurance is rationality. And rationality means rationing. No one likes to use the world “ration” when discussing health care, but it's a good word. In fact, it's the root of the word “rational.” So to ration is actually very rational, which means that it makes perfect sense not to give you health insurance at this point. Maybe we can do it some day in the future, but only if we are convinced that your pre-existing condition -- that massive depression that is awaiting you if you continue being more than a little nutty – won't cost us money. Rationing now will mean lots more people can get help in the future, possibly. Including you. Call us again in a few years, and if you're still healthy and not down in the dumps, there might be enough resources left to get you covered without causing the whole system to collapse. In the meantime, relax, have a burger, watch some trashy TV, and lighten up.
Dear HMO Accountant,
I had a bad accident the other day. I was doing some post-surgical physical therapy at home because my health plan is really bad and won't pay for any rehab. So I did some research on the Internet and found a simple machine that could help me. I ordered it and put it together myself. But I'm not much of a handyman, so a heavy piece of metal fell off and hit me on the head. I went to the emergency room, but my health plan won't pay for that either. And now I hear nothing but ringing in my ears and my health plan doesn't cover ears. They say I was in essence practicing medicine without a license with my home therapy so they aren't going to pay, and that nothing warrants an emergency room visit except . . . well, they couldn't think of anything that warrants one. And ear coverage is only for really, really old people who only need to go the ear doctor one time so the doctor can tell them they are going deaf because they are old. This is nuts. What should I do? And what the hell am I paying these high rates for?
Sincerely, Ringing off in Reno
Dear Ringing Off In Reno,
We have the best health care in the history of the world, at least we think so. Occasionally, some will have to pay more, but that will help keep our system as great as it is. Isn't that a small price for you to pay? I think others will thank you someday for your sacrifice. And have you tried dropping that piece on your head again? I've read somewhere on the Internet that sometimes doing the same thing over can reverse some of the unwanted consequences of our actions. Try Googling that and good luck!
Dear HMO Accountant,
We just sit around the house all day. We don't see well or hear well. Our joints hurt. We're tired all the time. And none of our kids have offered to help us out around the house. In fact, they don't call or visit us at all anymore. We did what you suggested from the last time we contacted you. We got some exercise equipment, but unfortunately we can't read the directions because the print is so small. And we eat lots of oatmeal like you told us to, but sometimes we forget and leave the stove burner on and so there have been a couple of small fires. And we tried to cheer up like you suggested – that fact you told us about how it takes more muscles to frown than to smile was really interesting! But nothing helps. We're still tired and our joints still hurt and we still can't hear anything. What should we do?
Sincerely, Mom and Dad in Miami.
P.S. Will you be able to get home for mom's birthday?
Dear Mom and Dad in Miami,
It's really important for the elderly to continue with their walks and workouts (even if they can't see where they are going) or they will end up using way more than their share of our precious health resources. And if that happens, we have to raise the rates on all the seniors, even the ones who don't see doctors anymore either because they don't have the money to or they forgot where their doctor's office is. So please stay in shape and stay healthy. Which I am really tired of telling you. And I'm sorry I can't make mom's birthday. But I will be needed in Washington, where politicians are trying to gain popularity by attacking us. They want to take our business away from us, if you can believe that. If that happens, I'd have to move in with you guys and no one wants that less than I do. So, good luck! And happy birthday, mom!! And have you thought about not using the stove and just using the microwave? Maybe there would be less fires.
Dear HMO Accountant,
I called my health plan the other day just to ask a simple question and was put on hold for an hour listening to Celine Dion music! I got to the point where I thought I might kill myself if I had to be on hold any longer. When someone finally came on, I accidentally - in anger, but I think with justification - uttered a profanity. So they hung up on me. They stopped taking my calls. And then they terminated me! I was so desperate I bought a plane ticket and flew all the way to my insurance company's headquarters where some insurance honcho told to wait in the waiting room while they looked up my records. The music they pipe into the waiting room is Celine Dion! So, just as I was about to go postal (can a person go “insurance-al”, cause I almost did! - the insurance guy comes back out and says that I was terminated because I didn't list everything on my application that was wrong with me. As far as I know, there's nothing wrong with me. Except now I'm so anxious and stressed that I can't go to work and my wife thinks I am insane and is thinking about leaving me. Help me, please! Shouldn't I be able to get my insurance back?
Sincerely, Freaked out in Florida
Dear Freaked out in Florida,
I was able to find your application and the reason you were terminated was that you are getting older and you didn't specifically state that on your application. Having said that, I'm sure you will understand that we are trying to conduct a business here. Growing older is a pre-existing condition that must be stated clearly on your application. And before you say that's ridiculous, believe me we know it's ridiculous. But then, again, maybe not! We can't insure every single person in the whole world, can we? We couldn't stay in business if we did that. We had to figure out some way to turn down people and dump others. That way, we stay in business and help a few people, which is better than going out of business and helping no one at all! We do this by using a very complicated mathematical random quantitative forumula thingie which is too complicated to explain here. So now you have every reason to take care of your health because we certainly can't do it for you.
PS. I just wanted you to know that I made a few calls and we will be changing our hold and waiting room music to Kenny G. So know that all of your anxiety has turned into something good. Say hello to your wife! And good luck!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
What if everyone were like our current Democratic leaders?
It's easy to imagine what would happen.
Life and commerce in big cities would come to a standstill, because drivers would stop at green lights everywhere and motion the drivers stopped for the red light to go through. “Go on through. I don't want to slow you down!” they'd shout. “We'll all get along better this way!”
And can you imagine what reality shows would be like? Dullsville. Everyone would be nice. They'd share food and help each other in the competitions and wouldn't say nasty things about other competitors. “No reason we have to be that way,“ these new contestants would say. “We can all win! And have lots of fun, too! Let's just get along here!”
And juries would have to acquit all defendants. How could a jury member who is like Harry Reid believe that anyone could do anything as horrible as whatever the defendant was charged with? And, of course, if someone did happen to do something as heinous as whatever it was they were charged with, everyone would believe that they have learned their lesson. So why punish them further? “Let's get along here! To judge and punish them is to look backwards, not forwards.”
That would mean prosecutors wouldn't have much to do, either. But they wouldn't want to do much, if they were like Harry Reid, because they just would be totally unable to believe that anyone would lie to them. “Why would anyone lie to me? We're just trying to get along here and help each other build a better life for everyone!” is what they would say. So after asking their suspect a few questions about some double homicide or a bank robbery or embezzlement and listening to the suspect say over and over, “I don't know anything about that!” they'd let them go.
Lots of other things would change, too. News shows would be filled with even more stories about miracle weight-loss treatments. Major league pitchers would make sure every batter they faced got a good pitch to hit – “We'll get along so much better if we all hit the ball hard and far!” Bosses would give everyone raises. Meteorologists would never predict rain or hail or even cold weather. And scientists would side with food companies and chemical corporations and say it's all good for you, eat what you want, no reason to be moderate in anything.
All in all, it would be a good life. Even the Republicans would be fun to talk to, except, of course, they'd still be insane.
Life and commerce in big cities would come to a standstill, because drivers would stop at green lights everywhere and motion the drivers stopped for the red light to go through. “Go on through. I don't want to slow you down!” they'd shout. “We'll all get along better this way!”
And can you imagine what reality shows would be like? Dullsville. Everyone would be nice. They'd share food and help each other in the competitions and wouldn't say nasty things about other competitors. “No reason we have to be that way,“ these new contestants would say. “We can all win! And have lots of fun, too! Let's just get along here!”
And juries would have to acquit all defendants. How could a jury member who is like Harry Reid believe that anyone could do anything as horrible as whatever the defendant was charged with? And, of course, if someone did happen to do something as heinous as whatever it was they were charged with, everyone would believe that they have learned their lesson. So why punish them further? “Let's get along here! To judge and punish them is to look backwards, not forwards.”
That would mean prosecutors wouldn't have much to do, either. But they wouldn't want to do much, if they were like Harry Reid, because they just would be totally unable to believe that anyone would lie to them. “Why would anyone lie to me? We're just trying to get along here and help each other build a better life for everyone!” is what they would say. So after asking their suspect a few questions about some double homicide or a bank robbery or embezzlement and listening to the suspect say over and over, “I don't know anything about that!” they'd let them go.
Lots of other things would change, too. News shows would be filled with even more stories about miracle weight-loss treatments. Major league pitchers would make sure every batter they faced got a good pitch to hit – “We'll get along so much better if we all hit the ball hard and far!” Bosses would give everyone raises. Meteorologists would never predict rain or hail or even cold weather. And scientists would side with food companies and chemical corporations and say it's all good for you, eat what you want, no reason to be moderate in anything.
All in all, it would be a good life. Even the Republicans would be fun to talk to, except, of course, they'd still be insane.
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